This line rose from my belly — truly speaking — as energy first. I was in bed, in pain, and I was clutching onto James Baldwin.
Before, I finished my draft, and I ended on my current family, what happened there. I called someone — “don’t you think you were scared?” I said, “what?” “Suddenly being at someone else’s house…you were four…” I never had a single thought that I was scared back there. What I seemed to go through next was a fear spell, some release of traumatic experiences, which lasted a moment. My ovaries flared up, very painful. I sent whatever this trauma was to the core of the Earth. This is an experience that defied possibility. This is the least unbelievable part.
That’s what kicked off this section of being infuriated with the talk of the apocalypse…my friend telling me this was going to happen, “for real,” some future point, and evidently, his plot to assassinate a politician had terrified me as well, but I can’t speak as to what connects us or what was even connecting but I went through feelings also in other areas of my body, so that was the fall.
Amazingly, I was moving from South Park Brooklyn back to the Chelsea, and I went over to my friend’s house. I call her my psychic sister; we seem to have a funny connection, where we amplify one another, we can’t always hang out, too, because we might feel more sensitive.
On the way over in a car, ayahuasca — what? — reactivated herself in my gut. This is the one and only time this ever happened. I texted someone — to let them know, probably so I could pin it, “yeah,” she did that. I was like — what the hell is this?
From what I’ve read, ayahuasca is a potent, powerful medicine, I’ve done it only three times, too, it’s not like I’ve done a bunch of ceremonies. Research, even, indicates that the spirit of the plant stays with you which makes it a long-lasting therapeutic substance since “drug,” in that case, doesn’t feel like an appropriate word. Downright magical; that brew. It’s intense, it can be, but one time, all ayahuasca did was lull me to sleep, and I felt gentle waves upon my shores…I had read about this, in other words, so why was this medicine reactivating itself in my gut — now?
By the time I walked into my friend’s house I was in a slightly altered state of consciousness, buoyant, held, and I got the sense that I was supposed to be aware…I felt moved over to a painting, a small drawing, “identical twin.” It’s hard to describe what this was so “alright,” that seemed to be part of the message.
I sat in this chair in front of this woman and I swear, the next part, I couldn’t believe it myself. I don’t know the exact order of this but vines reached, crawled, and moved into the room as energy with a psychic picture of where she was calling from — a map. It was clear. The way this energy entered the room and of course, this is my experience, perspective, all that, but still, the energy started ricocheting around the room in such a way, astonishing, to snap and a phone rang but it directed my attention to the phone first, snap! Ring. Joking. It was the tone, it was amazing.
I worked for this company and this designer ended up making a graphic about ayahuasca literally calling your cell phone. That’s the first thing that came to mind.
In front of my friend, who is talking to me, I feel a bead in my head that’s connected to my ovary. We’re similar. I feel a connection with her in this balance— seriously speaking. And this isn’t the type of experience that one interrupts a person to communicate about. So images, moving pictures begin to fly up on psychic screens. More than one.
It was one of the most incredible psychic experiences I ever had.
How do I describe the difference between a hallucination and what this is — the Ukrainian refugee is not really seeing the devil, which I told him, in that, the devil doesn’t even exist in every belief system, so it’s okay, it’s real though, it’s a symbol. It’s a form. I’m not going to tell someone who goes through something as unreal as war “good vs evil.” These ideas get cataclysmic. Besides, a hallucination does not make you crazy. You might be going through something you cannot process. Yes, it sort of could have been a real man, which was, I thought, a good question, even if he’s meeting something in the state he was in, but do people ask what the quality of the image is? Is it…see-through? Are you seeing screens?
In general, I think, I just wanted to take care of someone who had their mind blown, lost their brothers, on the run. I could see he had a passage somewhere else, and I didn’t mean to scare him — wait, what? Oh. Nevermind. All I saw was the view from a train window — did you have a passage somewhere else? It wasn’t a thought. An image can communicate different things…like what is this window? But it was new.
In this case, I’m feeling ayahuasca get reactivated in my gut, I’m walking into someone’s apartment, and I started to have an experience with something that is considered to be a medicine that is spiritual, also. Psychic screens. More than one, hovering, with a light spin, as if there were wheels underneath them with a light breeze, real. Neurology is real, sure.
I see moving pictures…a red truck, I remember the most, but I was sitting in front of this person, and she begins to tell me about her ovaries. I was taken aback! Since this was what I was dealing with! She can’t have kids, she had problems, and she opened up to me about it — twenty years older than me — and I got the feeling: pay attention. We’re chemically similar? Did I want kids, even, you know, I used to get very defensive about this subject. She, too, seems to have questions as to what happened to her…I’m nodding. “Maybe you try ayahuasca.” I’m seeing psychic screens.
It felt like, to be honest, it was meant to impress me. This map— across the nation, down South. Not an exact location. But very clear messaging.
So ayahuasca stays with me for this night.
I went into some deep pain, ovaries, and fear — even — it’s a primal feeling. From what I understand, that’s in the hips, right, the root chakra, in that, if I never felt fear over any of this, I mean, now, an image came to mind. Me standing in the master bedroom — no — as a four year old looking at this situation. My mother is dying in this single bed I asked for, just terrifying, and my father is slipping into bed — no worries. I’m all alone by this door, no one is going “time to go to bed, sweetie.” I couldn’t even deal with this memory. Now, yes, I understand I felt terrified but that didn’t occur to me yet, I wasn’t there. So fear is primal. One wants to have a healthy relationship to fear. Even if you’re fearless, I think, the idea that I wasn’t afraid, at all, my whole life…I don’t know where traumas or repressed feelings are stored but this was the ovary section. Ovaries are ovaries so these are just body parts. I suppose that ovaries also hold meaning, too, reproductive system, womanhood.
I’m not listening. I’m in pain, again. I’m just writing, I’m just trying to finish some book, today, not even close. This night. Type of deal. I get nauseated, it’s the only way that I can go down. I grab James Baldwin on the way down and I’m in so much pain and I’m like, okay, I understand that I’m going through a medicinal experience so I’m not calling anyone…besides, what am I going to say? This? No. Not anyone I know. This was really something. She was definitely helping me — that was the message. And unlike other experiences I had — you’re definitely talking about this.
I have to express gratitude off the bat. Thank you ayahuasca. This was an amazing character, even, a medicinal experience I hope to never experience but then if I didn’t go through this, maybe, I could have maybe gotten sick. Or, maybe I would have not been able to have children. Put her in a gold head space with wings…even, or vines, but it was utterly amazing.
I seemed to have passed out or gone into a soft focus — in that, I don’t have a concept of time. And I promise you, from a place so deep in my belly, my gut, it was impossible, sensationally impossible, nothing comes from that deep, there’s no way this is happening, but it was. Something began to RISE. Energy began to rise from the depths of the depths of I do not even know where — with spatial dimension — it was the power of one man’s voice…that lifted a whole crowd with it and me out of bed because this was sensationally speaking very weird. I could feel this moment as energy first, even a moment in time, even outside, eternal, and on my feet, this line resonated through my body, booming: “I have seen Gods die to become ordinary men and I have seen ordinary men die to become extraordinary men…” Very clear delivery, not rushed, completely true. And the crowd went wild…celebrating…and the feeling had reality, I don’t even know how to describe it, sort of a light presence of something, a wind, but not quite. Feathery.
I was still clutching onto James Baldwin. And one thing at a time but this was mind blowing.
Who knows, you know, with my ovaries, but the pain was gone. I had to go outside. I had to leave and settled with this. I have seen Gods die…I mean, I didn’t even think of this line.
I sat in my kitchen, feeling a difference in my body.
It was dusk, the sky midnight blue, which against the golden yellow on the walls, the old wood, what else could I do except express gratitude?
I kicked my legs, felt that area of my body in a new way, and just took that in.
That’s it.
I didn’t go to a doctor, you know, I didn’t have a reason to, even before, but then, I don’t know how repression was affecting my body and how far in advance I might have prevented a problem. Knock on wood. The first time I did ayahuasca, that medicine went there first, and I cannot explain if I had a little fear around that area of the body but I saw flowers blossom. It’s a body part so I don’t care. There’s no shame in my ovaries, no? Saying ovaries. OVARY. I’ll say it. I have them.
That happened.
I take a deep breath. All I can do is express gratitude.
Just the way this medicine reactivated herself on the way…this woman’s house.
I thought that it was kind, even, in preparing me. I just happened to be going over her house. But I cannot explain these things. Please don’t ask me to. Trying to distract myself, feeling something take me down…stop! Stop doing this! I’m not even really clocking that I am in pain.
I have seen Gods die to become ordinary men and I have seen ordinary men die to become extraordinary men…this line, seriously speaking, rose from my belly as one full line. I did not think about this line. I was working on “Extraordinary Men,” that was the next title I was trying out, and now, I might do something with that. Like Hannah Arendt’s Men in Dark Times. Martin Luther King Jr. might be one of them since I see him in this line. I thought about him, in that, he seemed to have had a Jesus Path. If you think about it, that man is eternal, he’s still present, he’s on the calendar. The power of this man’s voice, you still feel it, I have chills just thinking about it. You killed him.
So even thinking about my friend, you know, there’s just different ways you can observe that, in that, political assassinations, too, they can occur by political powers. This man was beyond political. He knew, I suppose, that he had a life beyond this, because his impact is almost divine. If I’m seeing this man without any clouds, no obstruction, in this line.
I can’t explain that. I couldn’t really tell since this was — beyond — also a future thought, that maybe a man like him in the future might say these words…I mean, did Martin Luther King Jr. say these words? I didn’t look it up. I figured not. My body felt like a speaker after this. I had to remain inside, quiet, for a day, two, because the clarity I felt inside was stunning. It’s the only thing you can say. Thank you. Like I care to discuss it in any other way. I cannot even believe it myself!
Did I want kids? I mean, I don’t know why that brings emotion to the surface but I felt like maybe, in my case, I might still be able to…I never thought about that. If that means I had even a thought of negativity around my motherhood, even in being a mother of books, stories, you understand, this goes beyond that, I felt that. I really did. That began to heal. Nurture, motherly care, even fertility, whatever, produce. Leave something. I don’t know if someone might suggest other traumas were involved but people develop illnesses or might not be able to reproduce. And like, if I met someone, and look, ayahuasca is sitting in this room in my mind, currently, the Chelsea, talking to me with sass, I could, I could have children…if you wanted to.
I had to rebuild my gut so I got food, probiotics — oh, this was the fall. I did a little of that.
That’s the thing, maybe I do, I mean, that floored me.
I have to tell you this part first.
Right before quarantine, February maybe, I hadn’t done yoga in a long stretch, so I decided on this Saturday, even if we were still working, to head over. I stepped outside the Chelsea and a Black homeless man passed me — as there are many homeless men and women in that area — and he started showing me his veteran card, he was a veteran, needed something to eat. Christopher. I said, and other expressed to me, “what do you do?” This is a systemic issue.
I always say the same thing which is true, I don’t have any money on me, and he pointed to the diner across the street. I hate this response. Bye. I had interviewed a veteran who started an Iboga organization for veterans just because this medicine saved his life. Sure, I thought, let’s go to the diner, you know, I was quite lonely, too, at that time, February, quarantine happened rather quickly, so a light murmur was around at that time.
Christopher was thin, I was so taken by his eyes, his sweet, gentle disposition. He was a veteran of the Korean War. He had a big stitch in his forehead. I carried his eyes and he carried mine as we crossed the street and we struck up a conversation. I didn’t overly share, if you would, but we headed to the diner…we sat at the counter and we proceeded to have a conversation about him, the Veteran’s Hospital he just spent some weeks at, no one having stopped, I was the first, and community, basically, what that is. That’s what we talked about. He ordered the Hungry Man’s breakfast. Food was medicine, he didn’t believe in drugs, but I told him about this organization I had heard about. He had lost his partner somewhere back there. The war, well, that seemed to be obvious. I don’t know. We had a seriously genuine exchange, very present, and it made his day, and it made mine.
I didn’t realize what he looked like, what we looked like, that anyone was moved by this conversation…until I asked for a refill of coffee. The manager said “we don’t do that,” and the server looked at him like “are you joking?” It was then, I started to take in who we were, I never thought that his appearance might alert people since he was tattered, thin. I figured he might have bumped his head.
He needed twelve dollars. He was a barber. He needed clippers. Maybe he can get a job. Get on his feet. He had to take a bus to get to the Vet Hospital — was this true? They can’t provide transportation? I would give him this money. I paid for breakfast, evidently. I didn’t eat, I wasn’t hungry. I take him to the bank and I didn’t have that much money at the time but I gave him a little extra but like forty dollars. I blessed this cash. Please…may it help him get to some next step. He hugged me — went back to the YMCA. I watched him and I just hoped.
So, the fall, I go through this experience. I walked to the Hudson and that obviously impacted me, I wasn’t worse, better, and we just went through quarantine. Still in it. Was it morning, afternoon, I don’t know, a chill in the air, a first golden shaft of light of autumn. I was on my way to print this draft, Extraordinary Men, just a mess and I’m not just saying that, God knows what I was doing, how I was approaching all this, but the title. I was walking on the other side of the street, passing the Chelsea, and up ahead a man was approaching me in camo pants. Christopher looked so much better he was unrecognizable, I did not recognize him. I felt out of time, unable to totally compute, I saw the veteran card, did he say can I take you out for pizza or did he say did you want to get a pizza…but I couldn’t speak, I had to go, and maybe I would have stopped, like, did he even recognize me?
I stopped and called to him.
“You look great!”
He waved.
I mean, when I say this man looked so much better, I did not recognize him. Though our situations do not compare, I was better. I didn’t even know what to do. I just turned around and kept walking because I had to do my thing. I know that the journey can be bumpy, like that’s not an easy place to be, to move out of and I just hoped that he would keep going and keep on getting better.
I have to share that experience because I held this person in my thoughts…through quarantine. Like, I wonder how he is. Maybe he did the same thing.
I was heading into a tough moment but at that point, I still think about him as an extraordinary man because I did not recognize him.
So not quite yet, but my friend decided to mentor my draft, a little, and I hope Christmas in Naples is a Sport will be a great book but I wish I approached that a little differently since this process of writing a story about my life, something, had opened me up like this and I also have to assess what I learned, looking back. I suppose if this was just a year, then that’s the least of my concerns, truly, even if it came with loss. Extraordinary Men — great title — and over time, some of these titles settled into project ideas. So, extraordinary men, I could write profiles, a collection. He might have gone, not my idea, but who cares? That’s not his problem. He just threw out titles at me, an interesting exercise:
“Holy Idiot.”
“Not bad.” He said.
What about “Everything Flows?”
Now I see a story based on my current family from Ladera Heights. Not so much my Italian family. The Mexicans, Marymount High School. Even just a suburban dream. Sure. Moving on. One neighborhood. Then came “what about Extraordinary Men?” But first, you have to become the extraordinary man. This.
Finally, he thought Christmas in Naples is a Sport. So, just the Italian section, because I wrote different sections to get his feedback on the story idea. Not so much anything else. Maybe because it felt more organized, lively, his taste, too. What is he supposed to do? Especially when someone isn’t geared to drive themselves, quite yet, not like I was asking him to do anything but he’s a successful writer so I figured maybe he could direct or just offer me some things to think about. What do you think is a good idea. Now, I would go — what do I think is a good idea based on what I’m looking at, reading, and feeling, but I appreciate that, too.
There’s no working plumbing at the Chelsea and quarantine had sent me to all these houses and I couldn’t stay here. It’s such a beautiful setting though but I’m living in a particular way…it’s not even that I didn’t appreciate psychedelics but now, I’m like didn’t need to necessarily drive so hard in this direction…nothing against it. It’s just ultimately not the direction I wanted to take and I had to go— practice writing? What are you doing, how many ways can you practice writing? But then, that sector, which is medicine, though that comes along with drugs, which is such a hot subject, I would rather not remain. No, no, no. You go. Tackle this one.
“How are you ever going to do better than this?”
My friend asked.
I mean, I hope so. I thought about that too.
Totally extraordinary. I thought the Oldest Storyteller, setting a story in that space was something I could do…that was sort of the point. Why else am I here? It’s a particular journey…but this is The Oldest Storyteller. It begins here, more or less. And it’s enchanted.
My friend, an older writer, decides he’ll mentor my draft a little, and this is someone who — what can I say — this is a strict person. Someone believing in me really opened me up and maybe moved me too deeply, even, in that, I don't know why, but no one — not true — supported my artistry or this was such a…confused area in my life. Now, I could go in — here, Dr. J. But that took me some time. I didn’t understand this idea in my world that someone was only interested in me because they wanted to sleep with me…that hurt me. I didn’t even see that as totally true. In that, go to Brazil, man. “That’s right,” he would say. “Absolutely right.” He believed in me. Then, I began to feel — oh, I could do this, that. I am not an agenda person, in that, no. I do not have to use words with this person. He knows how I despise agenda. I have to draw a clear distinction between me and my friend. I might be overboard no agenda in that…my feeling had only to do with what I felt I could do. That’s all I needed to know. “Keep going…” That’s what I wanted to hear, know, so I could continue writing because I figured the rest would take care of itself.
I know how to look up agents. I know how to stumble, fall, try some roads, figure it out. So when I started to hear “oh I’d play” one of your characters from this friend and as your manager…and felt attachments I didn’t understand…He came over with a mutual friend and I couldn’t explain all this — even his plot, I mean, I have to think of President Biden. If the government freaked out every time someone said something suspicious, that would be borderline — let’s make a movie about Cruise talking to psychic creatures in tanks and predicting crime before it happens. It’s alright. It seemed like he had a dark road. But it’s true, I mean, when someone expresses that this is thought out, even if maybe he’s a gifted storyteller, it doesn’t matter, but I wasn’t aware of how scared I was. How his attitude rattled me and it infuriated me.
Can’t really express anger yet. Not wanting to see this. Maybe it was…small? But he would have flipped out on me and maybe stopped talking to me. And he would have told people too.
I’m someone who considers their friends, I’m starting to see characters, I’m starting to look at shows, on my own, because I had to get over my fear of the TV. That was my decision. Watch some goddamn TV. Watch a movie. So I started to. I just closed the door on my friend, just like, it will work itself out. I can’t compute what this is.
I’m just getting a lot back. I studied this. Like I’m going to bother this man with my ideas…even.
He said, on the phone, like he didn’t understand my tone; I started probably acting a little strangely and after the first few pages, basically, in December, or February, I haven’t given him anything else other than my book proposal just for some feedback. He had nothing to say, really.
And on that note, sometimes I felt like people projected onto me, like — I get travel, I’m doing this, but this is really not my interest. I ended up talking to my psychic sister, I didn’t tell her this; she helped me get back in touch with my inner guidance. I kept on saying what I wanted to do and I kept getting “this is what I would do” though I was not asking him. I just went through all that.
So I had to take a step back. I need a second. To assess what I want. People said so many things to me around this year, sort of ended up with people who wanted to help me…but I’m just listening to myself. This thing. If you want to, if this is the goal, then you might want to not go in this direction. But it’s all beneficial, so who cares? But if something doesn’t feel right…it just doesn’t.
If I would costume your Instagram page, not to say — like — someone super fashionable says, oh, you should do this, but at least, right now, I can assess what this means to me…because the clothes alone, I could have started a business. With this guy. Do you see? Go get shit. Here’s the budget. Just like, who cares about this closet? Move up. NO? Truly. I could have made money.
Anyway, I had to lay down some of these facts that affected me, like that message that came through my website after this email exchange. I get “I did it,” I get that" “I’m doing it,” but some of that affected my ability to see what other people were doing. People have an agenda…like am I supposed to just go inside and contend with my idea set? Quite frankly?
Well, that’s sort of what I was doing, too.
In my opinion, you do create your own reality, sure, but there’s no such thing as an ultimate framework. I felt time bend…”you pierced through the fabric of reality” is just as farfetched as “did he give you drugs…?” I don’t think so but I heard that question which was terrifying. I got scared because my mother was an addict and I didn’t know about the pills, but I knew, very well, about the alcohol. Got sassy at four with this burger patty…wreaking of alcohol. In my opinion, do I have a sensitive nose? I am a baby. I didn’t trust this lone burger patty. It was like the only thing she ever made me but she got me sitters, at one point, I just can’t confirm — at four — what was happening.
This was a truly miraculous year.
I can’t make this up, ayahuasca reactivating itself and healing me…?
That message totally shut me away. I wasn’t bringing this anywhere near my life. My family, either. Couldn’t even talk about that message since it felt crazy. Me being crazy — sorry — I don’t even care what I did, I’m not doing this. Can you hear the line — maybe you gotta be a little crazy to stay sane, like assume, ask questions, say no. Not wonder what’s going on?
Couldn’t talk about my friend either. These real things that happened around me…
I had thought about that with the Seth books, which I like, you know, as a fiction, even, it’s thrilling material. The Oldest Storyteller has some of that in there because some of that really spoke to me. Just the create your own reality, all that, but then, if I were to look at some people who have built a life that they want, I’m not sure if they are operating their lives like that? “Talk to it as if it’s already happened,” and “Feel lucky,” someone else said, which is a great suggestion. And people said I was lucky. For what? For being beautiful and skinny? Go to Brazil. Truly speaking. You’ve never seen legs like this, my Brazilian caretaker said.
No offense.
For not going to foster care.
I was lucky, too, in that, I did interesting things? I don’t know how to engage with this. I want to be luckier, I want to be able to point at someone and say yup—lucky. I’ll take it. Plus I’m someone who spreads that around or I like that. I am lucky so hopefully I’ll be luckier so I can pay it forward.
I’ll even take this year being some kind of shamanic, even, event process, some girl with a crazy past who might make an argument for past lives, karma, or I do not know…miraculous events? I guess so. And the thing is, if I present this as a fiction, you see, it doesn’t matter to me that much. It’s just that, that really happened.
I’m not really a Christian imagery person. Sorry, but the Christians freak me out.
Excuse me.
“A Man and His Symbols.”
Luckily, on that level, there’s no problem, it’s the concept of power that disturbs me. I felt nothing but support, also, from this field of dreams, to be frank with you. It’s fine. This faith in particular comes with a lot of attached, especially the Catholics. That’s personal. For me. I’m not concerned with the reality of these things. I’m concerned about the line that rose from my belly…
I had major issues with the church, which I just think is funny, to the point of launching undercover investigations, very seriously. Very seriously becoming an altar server to watch the congregation. Study this ritual from within. That’s the only reason why I became an altar server, I investigated from all angles. I said “undercover investigation” more times than I could count. It was about my parents but to examine their psychologies…I felt like I had to include this religion.
I am Catholic, still. I left the church at twelve but I got confirmed because I heard “The Crusades.” I paused at the door. I turned, I felt instantaneous rage. Listening…this book is dangerous, uh huh, we could be persecuted, uh huh, and I hated the Crusades! I decided to get confirmed. If I spoke out against the church, one day, this was not the time…they would probably try and disqualify me. No, they would not. I made a vow, truly speaking, to automatically switch whatever side — vaguely others — when I signed this book since this seemed to be a motivation, even— fear. I didn’t even need to know, but I smelled “responsible” — Catholics.
And then, it turns out, that maybe my father’s family fought in the Crusades.
I had this kind of passion, even, for the church. On a matter of principle, even, this was the subject of God? Truly speaking. A power that goes beyond our human understanding. This is the spiritual sector. I just got here, no, like I get it, but what was this world? I came with no prior blueprint. As to what it means. What this is…what I heard during my religious education. Why aren’t we studying the text, to be frank, I did that more in Sunday school so this was a secularized idea, in my theology book, why was masturbation a vocabulary word?
I was appalled.
So let’s talk about the concept of brotherhood…do you know what I mean? There’s plenty in scriptures that might lend itself to interesting discussions and I came out of a family story that the church helped me grapple with, as well. Blame, forgiveness, guilt, to look on the bright side. Gave me much to think about in terms of the importance of religion in unconscious beliefs. At this point, I could no longer stay, I had to make my separations, shrugging, to protect my psychology.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t discuss my Catholic upbringing in any way shape or form. I had this kind of silence. Thank you. So, I mean, again, the one true religion thing, this competition between the faiths, it’s exhausting. Like, a Man and his Symbols, in that, the divine question is not my problem. Go ahead, you win, even. I used mythology — and I’m not seeing stuff like that, I went through a particular event, and I don’t think any faith would argue — like Gandhi — that Martin Luther King Jr was not a holy man. Do you know what I mean?
There are figures that cross over. No one is going to disrespect Martin Luther King Jr., though you killed Jesus, basically, again. Everyone sort of knows that. His death, even, became symbolic.
But Christian imagery…I don’t know what to say…because I prefer to be formless, even if I dealt with forms. My roommate, however, really had this imagery. So, it came into the Mother’s Day experience…truly…it entered my space. I decided since it was there — Uriel comes down to have a life, sure. This is not where I go. But it’s fine.
People come up with characters in their head, all sorts of stuff. There is an imagination. There’s a reality to spirituality, the existence of. Carmine is seeing pictures with his imagination, just some guy in Italy, “when people talk to you, do you not see pictures?” Sometimes. He, too, can use his imagination to better understand someone. I don’t know what that all means…I’m not that concerned.
Not every religion is super symbolic. Evidently, Luther did not agree with saints, all these additional symbols. Perfectly acceptable. That was a major schism, the Protestant Reformation. Michelangelo was torn apart inside, painting on the walls of the Sistine Chapel.
The Russian thief, the second I met him, which would make him respect me, “thief” came to my senses — couldn’t not see it — in braided cursive. That’s what I mean. It doesn’t happen all the time. Then it was confirmed. And it turned out to be the type of person you might really root for, an extraordinary person even stopping gang violence. The type of person that the government might notice…you know? Who are you? How are you doing this? Where his skills supersede his minor crimes, here. This is another thing…the mirroring.
It’s an amazing story that came out of the first quarter of my life. His. He’s not writing the story of his life. A book publisher might go — are you sure? But his story, once I get here, might inspire others, even this leg of his journey, when Sonya and I came into his life. More so Sonya. I was a real friend, I would never betray him. Someone could have turned him in, which, in his case, I’m not sure what that would do, but he trusted me…so there goes that little problem…and he’s helping refugees…so that’s the kind of story, in my opinion, that one might go — is that even believable — well, yes it is, some of these ideas that might be in the architecture of our belief system might impede one’s ability to go on that type of journey.
Is it true? Well, doesn’t have to be true. Not to shake the religion tree, because I don’t care about the structure, keep it, everyone knows that there are different spaces around in the same city, even in Rome. There’s a synagogue. I’m not getting wrapped up in this. I’m surrounded by mosques right now. But at least, there’s room to shift, but the church is not my concern. I ain’t touching religion. I’m staying far far away. Keep going. Sure, nodding. Afraid of you. I’m just thinking about change, basic approaches.
I get punishment….I just don’t see real results.
Anyway, I’ll continue talking about this amazing year that changed my life.
It seems like I experienced a miracle of some kind.
I cannot believe this line.
“I have seen Gods die to become ordinary men and I have seen ordinary men die to become extraordinary men…” orator. James Baldwin was a gifted orator, too, so I held his book in my hand. He, too, spoke out against the church. And I thought about what he said very deeply about white people having enough to do to love themselves…I understand that. The graining back, like no, that’s on you. I support that 100% percent. White was not always capitalized so I don’t know what that means. Obviously, people such as James Baldwin picked up his bag and found another way, you know what I mean? 30 dollars in his pocket arriving in Paris. All the same, what he said is true. It might be an energy, different from Luther King, but it’s still love. That’s the idea. As the solution.
That’s why, with me, in Istanbul, with some thousands saved away, I feel completely fine. It’s a breather, it’s not expensive like other places. Thank you. I wish I had the attitude I do now but I got here. If something, basically speaking, just driving my operation ended up presented an opportunity in advance as well as problems I had to resolve — I did it.
I wish that the relationship with the person who set this up at the Chelsea hadn’t gone sour, you know, that disappointed me. And that person brought Barbara Harris into my life as well so I appreciate that. That space treated me well, during quarantine, that provoked a change, like time to move on. Time to get your own place. Spend. Not be afraid that this was the only money you’d ever have.
Gifted, in a sense, lucky, sure, great setting for a story, even in trying to protect that space…what that hotel represents. I know it reopened. So, maybe that’s done. Maybe that apartment rests secure. I really infused that space with that prayer, feeling. So I got to live in Virgil Thomson’s apartment rent free for a few years, it’s just that person who set this up…obviously believed in me…and that went wrong. From my perspective, that suffocated me. Where people even reflected — it was lousy for you. That was lousy. But, honestly, I wish I never did what I did either. There was no reason. Bizarre.
I deeply regretted the entire event. Not wishing to go back. Not wishing to resume communication. I left that community of people indefinitely. And who cares? Everyone has the right to leave. Not like I don’t have a couple of people but that’s it.
Even that, I didn’t think about what nerve it hit, and I wish that someone had…suggested that I consider this — do you know your parents? Maria? What is your story? Now, it’s over.
It’s helped to go through what that was. Not just project. Cast a line, hook it on some not so distant star…but then, maybe that got me to the point even faster where I could talk about it, I do see the hypnotherapist as someone who supports me. Even in coming up with my own ideas. He didn’t know that, I don’t know, about the line…maybe I told him. This was a touch…wow. In moving through this period with the details involved.
The thing is, when it comes to my life, I don’t blame. Unfortunately, I did that to myself too often, so I suppose I reopened my past but specifically I dealt with my parents — one year — and I got all this. In terms of that final blow, I mean, I can just forgive myself. That’s easier. At least, I got some remarkable story ideas so I can frame that positively in moving on…in even caring about hard subjects…that is difficult for me to stomach.
You know, a cop, right, she was outside the 7/11 and she told me about child prostitution rings. In NY. Busts. You wouldn’t believe it. I just, I could not believe that. I do. It’s known. It’s very hard.
But again, I can’t speak to my parents, how I might have felt, all that…but that was that year.
Now, I’m settled. I just needed to write like this, a little. Remember the line…
As a line…
When something like that happens to you, it’s not the same world. I couldn’t talk about that. I don’t know what someone else would have said since I spoke to one friend about all of this. “And then, I heard…this line,” I’m picturing President Joe Biden reading what I’m writing. Ayahuasca, psychic screens, what is your neurology? And that I seemed to go through pain to never have pain in that area again…I would even go to a doctor, you know, it’s just I took off after that, and I haven’t had a reason to. And from what I understand, it’s fine.
I figured I would go the regenerative medicine clinic, eventually, to talk of these things — discuss the British doctors innovating medicine in Silicon Valley idea, if we get there. I just want someone to ask me what my TV show idea is. Maybe it’s not bad.
Just picturing a British actor, someone, you pick, listening to a start-up pitch thing. Going to google. Interacting with this new world. It says something, you know, I got this job as a copywriter and then a cast of British doctors came to life…they were wonderful…Emma Thompson as the Chinese medicine survivor…I don’t particularly have attachments to who…but that’s what I saw…after I got this problem even with reality itself out of the way…even villains, the bad guys, or the antagonists were all on my side…here’s the government, right, just due to how medicine functions…advancements, stem cell, it’s just another area. President Joe Biden, sure, he’s there.
I had so much fun. I thought that it was a really funny idea. I could conceive of villains, all sorts of stories now that my past was resolved. Like, it’s not real, which is true, but I battled with imagining even on that scale. So, why would I remain small? That’s what I mean.
And the thing is, sometimes, I still have some negative thoughts around me maybe having ideas that I believe in, and even going in that direction, which quite frankly, makes much more sense. How one starts, fine, but if there’s a way that brings out creativity, I’m going in that direction. So, I’m 37, I never needed to be the star of the show, if you would, in that sense. But a star in my own right? Sure.
I’m want to feel appreciated, like something really takes off in my life…that sort of feeling. Plus people really do so much and I’m trying to put myself in that head space. Am I the one to write a TV show about British people? Doctors in this situation? I don’t know. But it’s sweet to imagine innovation…in an experiment like that. The head of the cabinet is a basketball fan? He holds a basketball, a little basketball, lol. So maybe he, they, also treat San Francisco athletes, too, since it’s an advanced medicine clinic, entrepreneurs…all sorts of people. I think of dreams.
I don't know what to say about how I think but that alone gives an actor something to do. Also, a particular dream, since basketball is more American. I don’t know if that’s true, I don’t know about England, but David made me watch This is England, and it’s how he did it.
In that, it’s his dream, no, her dream, too, in starting this cabinet. Why here…well, it’s the center of innovation. That might not be totally true, I don’t know, but these people opened this clinic for a reason. And they would be totally down, too, I got that impression in my feeling, and I was thinking of being able to put some money aside so that they could service a different crowd. I think like that.
They position themselves as being educators, leaders, again, it’s a show that has reach…and medical shows classically work, no? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud. And today, from what I understand people want, from this Silicon Valley world, a giving back mentality seems to be the idea. I think that’s a smart design. I just love how these characters sprung to life. And they brought out the best in me too…I saw the show…his voice over…when I was writing this internal email about them opening up a new location…new character entering, saw the actor type, American. Haha.
I don’t think there’s any risk in speaking about my ideas, also, in that, blogs have been picked up and Hollywood seems to respect that, actually. So thanks.
But that’s what I’ve been thinking about now.
Will someone say — what? British doctors? Innovating medicine in Silicon Valley? Just picturing some of these actors in some coffee shops, evaluating whether or not it’s more expensive than London. I promise you, I’ve spent little time in London, England, even, some. But picturing these doctors in San Francisco…cracked me up. And it’s a touching environment.
I thought, oh, are there jobs where you come up with show ideas? Story ideas? Do you know what I mean? That sounds really fun to me. I might go to LA. I think that might be the final answer. And no, I’m not telling my friend. This is what I mean.
I hope that everything keeps going…I’m just moving forward…I’m working on that book but needed to unplug, a second, just settle this inexplicable year. Not like people going, “Well you can do anything,” because that turned out to also result in this year. I just needed a moment to settle that, to share what that was, and to feel understood.
I’m sure I’ll be able to talk to people…about the true nature of that event. Even cracking up — me bringing in Hades, the symbol, not because I believe I’m really talking to Hades, but using it as a symbol to help me through this experience rather than talking to these doctors. And then the myth comes back to remind me that gentle exits are full of feeling, in the end, that’s it, not the majestic one, which was also so epic, but this was too. Gently. And a shaman would say, “Exactly.”
Myth. Mythic architecture.
I’m not arguing with a shaman over the validity of symbols, theirs, others, etc. I do not see belief problems typically speaking with shamans. I really don’t.
Basically, I went into a mental hospital, I had a personal crisis, and this is what I did.
So if that put me in touch with my potential — then I wouldn’t mind being someone who went through a personal crisis to then discover something that took off, that I was better off, that I felt like I had a feeling like I could go in the direction that felt right.
I ended up finding a new beginning and maybe that made me brave on some level. I would talk to these doctors —I laughed — these British doctors…about what happened?
“So then, I brought Hades in. As a symbol.”
And this is what happened.
What would they say? Maybe we should check your wires? Your gut/brain connection?
Did you say…a line rose from your belly…so deep?
The hypnotherapist, apparently, is saying “yes.” Sure.
The therapist is laughing at me.
“Are you okay?”
Just this year. Recounting it to them.
“Time bends. I felt time bend.”
I saw a hypnotherapist and a therapist in the same clinic to even duke it out, which I thought was fun, and one encouraged me to also consider that approach, too, the emotional body, which the real hypnotherapist might even say —beautiful. A special gifted therapist…in his own way…and then, notecards, the hypnotherapist. They can argue. The hypnotherapist is…probably going to predict that he’s going to blow over the use of the English language. He can’t take it either. “Yeah.”
Every time I got a note, wrote something, just — I was recovering, truly, but that might not be what I’m good at so I don’t want to do this. Like I care. A team of British doctors flourishing all around me. What else do you want? I like thinking about them.
Partially because I get the real sense that this medical clinic has helped people with some difficult if not impossible situations. So there’s that. Sorry if I’m feeling around, but sports medicine, too, this is what I mean, I only saw more directions. So much fun because it’s Silicon Valley through the lens of medicine. Innovating that. I thought that was quite smart, maybe not the only ones, but biohacking…they serve that community as well. “Community.”
The voice over, the speech, “what does it mean to advance medicine…” it’s looking forward and back and across disciplines. I believe they believe that. Lots of speeches. Fascinating that they have some metacognitive treatment like a mindset treatment, no? I mean, I thought this was particularly innovative on a variety of levels. That’s cool. And then, there’s everything else that comes along with a show like that. “NOOOOO not love, PLEASE!” I do not WANT THIS! Just great. My character makes TikTok videos and they catch her. Someone does. They must. Talking about branding. This conversation. I only see — perfecting pairing. British doctors + Silicon Valley.
The hypnotherapist kept me focused on moving beyond, not going back, you’re becoming more, um, don’t know what to say, dreams = emotional attachment, and yes, you’re psychic, so he was more dealing with me like that kind of person. Who might have had some energetic problems. In that, adopted kids, even, I’m inventing, might have a particular bonding pattern and he sees that as energy. I came with “those issues” as well, which he said right away, first day, as if…that’s obvious? My main problems, if you would, I’m psychic and I have the adopted issues. We could start there. My parents, and he was the first one to say it, “they were fucked up.” That, that we know.
That approach seemed to work. I had to do some separating — wait, not me, and maybe that’s another way of coming into awareness of what you’re doing and choosing differently. The energy graphs are fun, cool, in thinking about that exchange as well, so “how you know,” he said, “is by the difference,” that’s how you can tell what’s red, yellow, since what we’re seeing is orange…a mix…and for me, really, I felt that in my stomach. Just because my mother was a liar, or I don’t know, but someone else’s truth or perspective or even disbelief could destabilize me…no, that’s what happened. I have to hold on to what I know. Not get too caught up…it’s a complex. My father’s had Alzheimer’s that he denied. So that was really interesting. It’s good to know. As a reminder. On an energetic level.
So, I am like that, no, I’m feeling more like that. I was always an individual…but I felt the value in that approach so now, I can discern, okay, I hear you, and I’m staying in my own space. I don’t know how to quite explain it but it’s cool. Throw in some sort of weirdly psychic person. Telling them about this hospital journey.
I saw that message 5 AM as a blow from the old system, you know, where “don’t change…” aren’t you meant to go down? For doing well or wanting to? Or, maybe you gotta just deal with what happened…this is what I mean…where I don’t quite know where to go with that, not to be overly analytical. To the hypnotherapist, doesn’t matter. “You’re the author of the future.” Channel wise, just what I went through, I can’t totally speak to that.
I’m looking around like, I have the opposite of a problem, the only thing I’m dealing with is “now what…” I’m doing what I’m doing. I almost feel like I’m taking a break. I could go out there and travel or write travel related articles but I don’t even want to write articles right now. But I will.
I don’t feel the lack of a family, I don’t feel like I have the same needs. I’m not doing some of that ever again. Not happening. I respect the family I have, and that’s basically it. I’m on my own; that’s the feeling. People have it regardless of where they come from. I mean, really, when you decide where you’re going to college and where you will live because you feel time bend, I had to think about it. Totally fine with having decided on some level to guide myself the way that I did…it’s just funny to me. Oh, why did you decide…because I felt time bend. This has always been the explanation.
If my mother hated me that much, in the sense that she concocts some spectacle…to hurt me…she doesn’t care about money…people, you, your feelings…because I don’t know what else to say. The point was to ignore me. She might not be operating on normal levels or aware of what is driving her decision making process but that’s what it felt like to me. She’s calling some woman every day to not talk to me, to keep her close, and there’s an insane design that continues to unfold. So maybe some the images that come to mind have to do with that. The feeling that she really didn’t like me.
And her storytelling only proves my point.
I do not know how energy rose from my belly like that. “Ooo, ooo,” the hypnotherapist said, “you should read this.” Sure, a line can totally rise from your belly, yeah, heal on deep levels, basically, but that’s me. It’s not to say there isn’t God. It’s just, I don’t know what to do with that. But then, to this cabinet, they believe that the body does have an amazing ability to heal itself so that’s fine, in that, medicine has seen miracles as well. I don’t know…what…but that was quite a line, quite an experience, and I just wanted to share that.
I don’t want to go into a spiritual direction. I think I want to go into stories…that’s what I’m doing…so that’s it. I’m even more in touch in what I did.
If there’s — this is what I mean about this belly feeling — a problem with me being big, reaching big, I don’t understand that. Negative thoughts, doable, workable, almost gone, um, negative energy, this is my space, my reality, my choice, not someone else’s life, choice, etc.
When I was on that cover, of a magazine, the hypnotherapist said “uh oh.” Yeah, that might have bothered my mother. Yeah. Sort of nodding like…really? Well, if you’re four, and she’s jealous of you, sorry, that’s totally wild. She’s spinning up jealousy which was so gross to me. She was obsessed with herself, too, no? That was a scary person.
I don’t know understand these feelings but I guess I had them which I didn’t understand until later. Not that I am jealous but that it held me back. I want nothing to do with this. I do not care if you want to rule the world, if you want to prove a point, I would like to continue feeling abundant, fertile, and to allow that to create the path. That event might be seen as my big break rather than a break down. In terms of how one can frame that.
I did that too. I directed that with conscious phrasing. Let it go in the best possible way it can. It’s sort of amazing to me sometimes — mental health, this idea today, being such a dominant narrative. Wellness. That’s the thing about a cabinet like that…in terms of it being topical, fun. I don’t know how people in the recent past spoke about this, because no one was speaking about this, from my understanding, as a child. That was where I was.
I gotta get a sandwich. I’m trying to eat more…I guess about to take off. I have to think about that. This is such a cool city and I’m not leaving tomorrow but I want to have a slightly more grounded — this is what I’m doing. I’m putting down bricks digitally because I can. I would go to NYC, since that’s the immediate landing point, so I have to think about that. I need a little direction so I can steer.
I let go of some last dynamics that I felt I had to and that made me feel better but I just had to take a moment and go through this time a little bit. With a team of British doctors springing to life and thriving…even picturing telling them this. But then, the real doctors seem to be rather open to psychics, too, or people who are like that. It’s not that I haven’t had mysterious experiences with — what’s seen as classical psychic phenomenon. It’s more my life, time bends, and being sensitive in a particular way? But to be frank, up until this point, I mean, I guess I might have seen my death coming, in a sense, but the end, the end, you can’t avoid death. It’s there. One day.
Maybe if I dealt with my past I could find another way. I don’t know if something was going to break down, regardless, but I decided to go through that, to be done with it. I could go through an evolutionary step even if some my thinking and drive was part of the problem. Like, you don’t have to listen to everything…who gives a shit if I was like that.
Stop needing help, stop working on yourself even.
I was shocked in looking back my friend and this apartment. Even this conversation exchange with the money men. I can’t totally speak about it as a “it was this” and “it was that.”
I really got in touch with how much pressure I was under. I take more deep breaths than anything else. I thought I was healthy. It’s like I had to stop working out. Just stop. For a second. This is too complicated. Who cares if people do not understand currently?
If people go through releases of emotion, you see, I don’t understand what that body is. Feeling unzipped. Feeling primal feelings. So someone who could be awakening basically could totally not even understand that. Or know where to go. For someone looking to evolve out of a diagnosis, I think that’s totally possible, which is maybe what makes that cabinet interesting, I feel that they believe that, so hope or attitude isn’t nothing. I would imagine that’s a process.
I probably could have developed a mental illness or something, no? Someone said that — look, okay, it was a shaman, your mind is totally fine. It’s your complex or the fear, which is really the problem, which I saw too, I really did. Even looking at some of the people around me, like no, go away. I’m aware that I’m the one looking at life, no, these are my eyes so is it really happening…outside of yourself, well, I guess that would depend in other phenomena. Not sure. Lots of ideas got released in my case…but I understand that this is my experience.
I had questions, problems, uh, not able to respond. I mean, when someone even attaches, like that. I barely did a goddamn thing. It’s fine, I understand that situation better.
So now you know about the ayahuasca thread…in helping me with my ovaries? I mean. Thank you. No? Thank you.
I imagine that we speak to ourselves, actually, looking around like this isn’t sustainable. Seeing something. Something coming. I might have to take action in a particular way now. I might not be able to avoid…in a sense…or change overnight…but I can start something now. Very mysterious time in my life. Maybe I had an interest in that, as well, what’s possible, what this world is…
After Christmas…what am I doing? That’s my thought.
Thanks for reading.
