What do I care about?

Once upon a time, I would have never worn the shirt, the glasses, but they made me laugh more so than anything else. I sold all my clothes a couple of years ago and took off. I had become known for my style and a variety of ingredients combined, I had to start over. I don’t even own a purse right now. I have a couple of fanny packs, small, I can sling just given what I’m doing.

I’ve been traveling without a home so why would I lug a bunch of clothes? Still, no matter, I always have too many things. I’m going to try and pick up some clothes this weekend, white-button down, a jacket, another pair of glasses, just to freshen up. Not pink. I’m just having a bit of a laugh with myself. I don’t really know what I want to wear though…I’m figuring that out.

I don’t have a home, that’s been a thought.

I’m trying to envision where I am in a year. Talk to it as if it’s already happened. Publishing deal, thanks. Articles published, I see that, in my wheelhouse. Direction. Keep exercising it. Job, I don’t know what to say.

It’s part of the reason I’ve been dragging my feet, looking at these remote jobs, just because being a writer is one thing. The real journey I went through that inspired The Oldest Storyteller changed my outlook. What do I care about?

That changes my approach.

Again, writing is one thing.

I went through a lot a couple of years ago…cleared some deep stuff…drew some lines.

I’m in Istanbul.

I feel much better.

Had to clear my head.

Like, do I want to go into TV or film even due to the ideas I have…? I have no qualms saying that it brings me, I think, great joy envisioning my stories being made for stage and screen…this is what I studied…but I want to feel that my gifts are generating the reality.

This is what I’m trying to get very clear about.

From a results standpoint, I feel like I’m in a better place now. My thinking and approach feel more aligned with my inner tuning, the wheel that I am turning. Now, what can I say about traumatic or unresolved issues — like I can’t help that. People do remarkable things regardless.

I’m in a new place of understanding.

In the Barbara Harris story, so refreshing I think, so real and true, she wanted me to contemplate the stuffed baby elephant and so, I did. At AJs, a supermarket.

I came across a term in psychology called “learned helplessness.” I didn’t get that impression of her but this “everyone wanted to take care of her…” this vibe. You “cared.” I have to look more into this. Maybe I had a touch of that. I corrected it. I adjusted my relationship to power. Independent, very, all the same, but in some of my closest relationships might have had a couple of kinks to work out.

The journey home, you know, it was central, traveling far to foreign countries. And the labor, the labor (Hades) is the return. Where even is it? I just don’t have an attachment to place anymore so I’m trying to connect with what I’d like to be doing.

What I like about being here, besides the city, the ferry, the beauty products, the mosques, is that, it’s so cost-effective and lively, I can concentrate on all this: my writing, building that. I don’t have to grind in order to live. Don’t need a car. Just thinking about where I’m at. Thinking about the type of person I’d like to meet…he has a car. I’m pretty sure. Talking to me like this.

It seems from the images that are coming to mind…I might be headed for LA…this is what I mean. I can go anywhere but not everyone can. I used this line, just tried it out, home is wherever you are. Depends. I feel more at home with myself, where I came from, even all the families, but this is the least of my concerns now. I have such rich material to draw from with a diverse set of characters…and that’s sort of where I feel the majority of my experience spinning…maturing…

Now, the idea of creating community, that’s a new idea. Where I am surrounded by friends. A personal goal of mine is to have a fortieth birthday where I have a group. Strong ties. The past, me, blah blah blah, I learned from it not bound to it. Madonna, I learned my lessons well. This is the point.

I hardly ever threw a birthday party for myself, you know. And a couple of friends this year contacted me before my birthday. “I know this day is hard for you…” and the other “call me on your birthday.” I didn’t want to take either one of these intros into this new life.

One of the phrases I appreciated from Seth which would lend itself well to fiction since there’s a little bit of that in The Oldest Storyteller. If you want people to change, start with yourself. Let’s take that basic concept. The Oldest Storyteller depending on form since Death is everybody, every living thing, every moment, an inspiring idea. Might take a different position.

Since someone might grain away — not me.

The system, as a baseline, can take a hit, admit to basic ideas that lie at its foundation and then implement long-term strategies to correct inhuman ideology, basically. Like, in my Oracle of Cuma dream, they reflect my old neighborhood, and I put a man in, because if you don’t change the narrative, like if you don’t make conscious choices then who will? So here’s a man as an oracle, classically seen as female, I think, probably not in every culture too. They became a dual image.

Personally, I do not want to see anti-marijuana ads teaching boys that they are predators and girls that they are prey. I dislike this. True, true, yes, I understand that, but what do we want to be true? Then, you can make conscious decisions. Where do we want to go — here’s the refugee camp manager — focus the future. On that end, that makes sense.

Like, in my religion education. In my theology book, I turned a page and got to a graph, and the children at St. Jerome’s School probably remember this: Who is Closer to God? Even rings circularly turning and moving away from God can still be hierarchal. So, the Catholics were in the closest ring and then came everybody else. You cannot separate a person from God. No one is further away from God, that doesn’t make sense, but you teach it. Fundamentally untrue, I said, later, since this was my undercover investigation. Can’t do that. Everyone is closest to God.

So now, I have Dr. J. A liar. Lies can be true. They can be. They aren’t true. But they are.

This was what fueled my investigation into my parents.

Let’s not forget a dozen red roses I received from my Sunday school teacher, superior, since I ended up becoming a teacher’s assistant. Not hard. Just asked. Studying this. Then, in the end, I have a lunch date which to me, sure, I hang out with older people, but then, I got a dozen red roses and a note thanking me for lunch with adults going “oh, how strange…” confused. I ghosted the guy. I did not step foot into Sunday school — didn’t get a call, where are you? By the way. This marked the end no, seen enough. Some Sunday school teacher sending my child red roses. Excuse me? WTF is this?

My investigation.

No?

Red roses aside, this is what I mean about systemic ideas. You can take the hit and implement these changes. This is a power move. This sort of ideology is not true. Simply. I understand that people — Galileo — can change our world view and he was killed. People who speak out, who simply suggest that it might not be that way, have to be that way, might be targeted. Martin Luther King Jr.

You create your own reality, absolutely, but some of these ideas are engrained, since years, centuries, are real. Not to say people subscribe but still. I suppose, you see, I can keep creating, um, he became eternal. Here’s another man who reached eternal life. He’s an example. Still.

We hold the idea that you can’t change anyone, you can only change yourself. That seems to be true. The people in your reality will either be able to meet you in the new place or they won’t. They’ll go. And people do come and go. Just wait, right? When you implement changes, obviously, it might change. So, that’s where I’ve been sitting just because I made some deep adjustments. But then, I want to embrace that from a position of abundance. It could get so much better than this. Truly.

My friend saying “how can you do better than this…”

So much better.

My friend who said "I know this day,” my birthday, “is hard for you,” you see, that hardly even exists as a memory. I might have said to her that it’s not actually the easiest day for me, sure, whatever that was. I can’t even remember it, feeling-wise. And I don’t really have a problem with saying, you know, I know what I am doing, so if I’m not getting what I want, it’s my life.

A life, we build it, we’re, on some level, wanting to do this, I think. You want to feel fulfilled. And what that means for one might not mean the same thing to another. You’re creating it, shaping it, based on history too, and maybe you, too, might exemplify something. It’s just not the biggest dreams, either, that stirred me…thinking about my relationship to myself. Getting that in check.

I did dinner parties in Paris, which I really liked, so I would like to create an environment that allows me to do that sometimes. That’s what I mean. I don’t want to feel alone. This setup doesn’t really help me to achieve these goals though I could go out, make friends, and have dinner parties, if I wanted to, it’s just I’m in another place where I have to rebuild…that thing. I guess, technically, if you’re clear as to what it is that you want…it just happens…? You kinda have to go out and make it happen no? But then, things come out of nowhere. Someone starts a blog, someone sees it, and she’s 23 books in.

Does your mind really shape reality to this degree? Like all I have to do is see that person coming to this blog and going — there. “Wow, she’s so magical, lucky, experienced a miracle…” That’s where I remain. I’m sort of like, that happened so anything is possible, on some level.

So, my head is a little —

I could feasibly try acting…not again…for real. I have to shake my head just because I started out that way and now that I got so much out of the way, I wonder if I would enjoy that. I’m sitting with that. Sitting with where I’d like to put myself.

I’d like a home. Mine. Stuff. I’ve gone through phases, sure, I lived in an apartment in Paris for six years. I gave that all away. Maybe it doesn’t matter. I wasn’t ever that big of a possessions person, in fact.

So that’s it, just shaping a clear vision for myself, trying to engage with this idea of probability, again, since I felt time bend. Seeing a point a time — a year for now since I have to be real with what I learned — and what images come to mind that really fill me up. Then, I will Hopkins it, condense it, bring it into the present. That’s my activation process.

Gotta get to my draft, gotta publish something, send out a pitch.

Thanks for reading.