I had to retire my pineapple water bottle a moment because it’s hard to clean so it’s awaiting the next dishwasher cycle. I got a big purple bottle that has lines for where I need to be hydration wise at different times of the day. Emma always makes fun of Americans and how thirsty they are. “Tutto dry,” she calls us, because we can’t stop drinking water. “Tutto dry.”
I don’t know what to say. My skin looks nice.
I had great dreams. I just had great dreams.
I woke up thinking about Franco Franzese lol because he came after me which poses a bit of a problem because he’s a father. Usually, a mother tends to bring me in, in a way, and the father keeps his distance. Not in this case. I don’t know how she’s going to react. I don’t want to put something like that onto anyone. Yeah, like is it a good idea for me to do this? Get involved, open up? Have them get closer to me…parental with me…when I’m not exactly looking for that.
He keeps saying that I need to talk about it. SPEAK!
In Naples, a cousin is a cousin, part of the family, and they remembered me when I was a kid. All of this is…unexpected. But the family talk is coming. Just their questions out of the gate, their reactions — who the fuck is this? It’s not a soft…introduction. Originally, I ended with piano piane, which is hilarious, the beginning of a musical composition, this is Naples. That’s just how it happened — at the end — but it might be funnier where it is, at the beginning due to where we are, so breaking up this one conversation into different rounds gives me more room to just create a mini play. That’s just one conversation, not two.
The rounds are a good way to go, I can play with that.
Form, Jesus, that took me some time to figure out. It’s how you do it. If it’s called Christmas in Naples is a Sport, you’re going to want…something that merits that title. And they don’t get it. They don’t get why it’s a sport, not even the style of conversation. It’s a play, too, and I studied at Lecoq and he started in physical education so this family really gelled with my theatrical background which was obviously fun. Anyway, form. In general, that was a challenge for me, but how I approached being a writer makes me laugh now.
At least, I can say, settling my past or my blocks seemed to give me access to my background. I’m a little more on track. That’s why I’ve been thinking about where I’m turning my wheel. Evidently people write different things and based on what I have…even Barbara Harris…I might want to go into film and tv. I thought about that too this morning…just because I sort of designed that in advance.
I think like that for one but that’s a special piece, I could even see that doing really well, for it being Barbara Harris, improv, a girlfriend piece, if you would, two strong female leads, which is another thing, you don’t want to say that…when you’re involved…if it’s not true. I had to get comfortable with that, just make sure that my instincts were correct. Those four days ended up being a piece. No one was surprised which speaks to her gifts.
It just might make more sense to at least be around that industry. It didn’t seem to be easy for her. I can’t — me inside of this — always tell what my feeling is when I state something. Like, my friend seemed to reflect “oh sure, she didn’t want to be famous” when I don’t hold those types of assumptions. So I’m moving through these feelings…not everyone ends up liking film and tv? “The industry.”
LA is my hometown so that’s…a mixed bag but LA has also changed a lot. It seems like I’m picturing myself there. Besides, if that’s true, which is a nice feeling, I could maybe be around that, I would go. I’m definitely going. Barbara Harris, right, just funny — she’s back. And someone such as myself who comes from that kind of background, I can talk about some of her “struggles” based on what I learned. Since surfacing is one of the words that applies to me, having to de-program myself from things I learned young.
So, this morning, I thought, that was particular. I’m just talking about my parents. My upbringing. I was a very real person. I am. This is just the foundation in one’s life. I’m glad I’m resolved that though by nature of what that implies, of course it affected my overall approach. I suppose I can bring myself back to that state — electric, on an edge, quick — but that was an effort. Not easy. I don’t have the same relationship with that story anymore. Buttons, probably not, not like that, I can simply say, stop. I’m done. It’s not that, you are doing anything, I know you’re there for me, but I don’t need to talk about my mother’s addictions, you see. It was one of the the challenges of this story…people sort of giving me the floor…with…what it was.
Nodding, right, kids come from backgrounds, I cannot speak to my father…yes, when it all comes out like that, you do look over there.
After Mother’s Day 2021, I had limits at that time.
Insert the wise screenwriter: panic attacks might be par for the course. Uh, that’s it. I mean, just think about what the real story was.
Speaking about character, story, their psychologies, these sorts of things, no problem. But I did care, you have to care to be able to say no, enough. "The bait.” Keep talking, it’s okay, you don’t have to stop. People can’t necessarily know what your limits are…trying to provide a safe space for you. No, the idea that “no” means I am not resolved is not true. I wasn’t going to say it can induce a bit of a panic, you understand, at that time, with people who don’t understand what early childhood trauma means. Now, that seems to have passed.
I can’t speak to people who have problems that require medication, that extend beyond a specific period of time. Right. I don’t know what else to say. That wasn’t my case even if I had to go through a period of time, and yes, since I know people who had break-downs and mental health issues, I do think there are better options or more healing tracks available. For some, that seems to be relinquishing shame itself…you don’t want to go into shame. That’s a mental health no no. And there’s a lot of it.
It bothers me because I had a four year old body…I got in touch, integrated experiences. I was four, the wise screenwriter believed this to be central, I wasn’t getting it, and so, he had to keep telling me. Funny. “You are four.” A four year old is a baby. I didn’t know. Yeah, he had to repeat it. “A four year old is a BABY.” He knew these basics. The wise screenwriter.
Anyway, I’m going to get to work.
I’m excited about this new chapter in my life more and more as I go and more and more as this book comes alive…again, I just have to keep working the ensemble of it with some low voice beginning to take hold of me: Bukowski. I’ll continue to publish stuff now that I can exercise a style…social media…I dunno…I’ll still do it, I guess, but I feel much better that I’m not…too. I would rather dedicate time publishing as much as I can. Exercising craft, voice, structure, UGH, you know, social media most definitely has a kind of hook, no? People are addicted to it? Legitimately speaking, an addiction expert said that the internet might be the biggest addiction that we face. It’s just to say.
Thanks for reading. I’ll be back at the end of the day.