The guru infected my heart. I can’t even think sometimes without this guru flooding my mental processes, though it’s related to my heart, when I’m trying to speak from there or drawing conclusions about things. He will flood me. I was manipulated by him, most definitely. He had psychic senses. He FELT everything, he — and this activates my heart — he manipulated me emotionally. “THEY FEED YOU,” he kept saying to me, about my cousins in my draft. Just saying they feed you with — emotion, he spoke like a manipulator, I think. What the hell was he thinking? He got it in his head that I wasn’t fed as a child…what a gross man. But he didn’t tell me that directly… he suggested it, implied it, over and over again.
I keep trying to work this person out, which works, but it has taken years— and it’s horrible. My heart hates the guru, hates him. I hate this person. I think what he did was childish and stupid. Acting like a guru. I absorbed this person. He acted like he knew what my story was. That’s why you don’t act like a psychologist, you don’t impose your belief system onto someone. Congratulations — you have one. So he plagues my heart. There’s nothing that hating this person is going to do, I know, but I want to confront him, I want to. I can’t let it go. I want to show up at his sister’s house. I do. I don’t want to let it go. It helps to state that. “The psychic period,”as I call it, as even he believed that I was psychic, it still messes with my head. This is what I mean. All this talk of telepathically communciating, like I did not need to absorb that, and that’s for his brother, too. I keep relinquishing this idea that I am psychic, but this idea clutched onto my body like claws, partially because different men, strangely, told me this. I don’t totally know what to say, because the degree to which this man in in my body, now I’m better, but it startles me, as I am working with a specialist over whether or not I was taken advantage of…
Looking back on our initial exchanges in person, they were disturbing.
I hate my life right now, just to get it out. I cannot believe that I’m here, as a person. I was not unfortunate, but I made stupid decisions. Like, getting involved with the guru. That relationship royally messed me up. Now, I’m struggling because I don’t know if I can even get a waitressing job, as I figure the next part of my life out, because I’m having hip problems. I greive, a lot, because these men came into my life, presenting themselves as experts who had psychic senses, when I was better off on my own. I didn’t have any problems “manifesting my reality” ten years ago, and now, I’m angry, because what I needed to do was really really simple. I struggle, stiil, on some days.
I don’t know what to do, I’m still sore, and I have to work today on this floor again that made this weird pain flare up again. Ugh, I know I will make it through this terrible episode, I just feel like I wasted my young years, meditating like who gives a shit? I had a positive outlook, so I don’t understand why this guru wrapped up me in nothing but problems and then put that on me. That person should be kept far away from any women he might find attractive. He did confess his love… in the most bizarre fashion. He gestured to himself, “you have my love, you can’t disappointment me,” which was wrapped up in some I-TANYA dvd he let me borrow and my roommate lost, by accident, and that’s what he says. He called it a psychological set up — manipulation — and then proceeded to tell me that he loved me, ???, role playing some version of my father he had in his head, as he had identified (and I’m like, why am I here) that disappointment was the feeling between my father and me… when I was never disappointed in life, ever. Imagine? NOW, yes, I’m beyond disappointment, I’m devastated. Why was this necessary?
So I have my moments of feeling wronged, yes, taken advantage of, yes because I came from… a tough couple of parents, mentally ill parents. So whatever, I have to move on regardless, for the moment at least, I don’t know HOW I’m going to contact his sister, Leslie, because what does she care? But I will. That was crazy. Does she believe in their new age stuff? I can’t believe that. Does she know what they believe in? Apparently, my friend who introduced me to these people told me she said NOT to, don’t introduce her to them, not even one of them, but them, her brothers. So why was I? So, maybe it will make me feel better to say, I will be heard one day, I will reach out to them, I will be treated with respect. Yeah, I think he does owe me some money, in fact. I could have died, practically, with him telling me that a fictional character in my head was a “really good psychological device.”
“FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.”
I mean, malpractice.
That’s my true feeling, just to state it. That he engaged unethically with me. He crossed a line. And line. And I came from the background that I did, so that’s my reason, so what’s his? He disturbed me. My parents were disturbed. Anyway, another day, just continuing to let it go, and keep on envisioning where I’d like to be, as I never expected — I don’t know how to put that — that I would have taken that turn that would have robbed me of my joy, robbed me of sanity, I mean, this man, and his brother, telling me that in the fiftteenth ccentury, I would have been the one to speak to animals? That I was psychic within twenty minutes of meeting me??? Giving me channeler tapes? And then he thinks he’s the person I should talk to…after I get out of the hospital? That guru didn’t call me once. After all that stupid talk, speaking to me like a dog, commanding me “I’m HERE,” over and over again. What on earth was this man doing? He manipulated me. That’s probably why I feel messed up in my heart. It helps to speak to this way, it does.
That’s it. I hate this man. He was worse than my own parents.