I’ve been recounting my miraculous year — the year I opened up my childhood to write about it. In the end, Mother’s Day, I went through hell. First, I had some strange friend who scared me, quite simply, first, and I couldn’t handle that. Happens. Next, I asked for an investment back and ended up getting a message through my website the next day at 5 AM that my actual bank would be shut down. Perfect timing. I received this message physically in my gut…and that gut has been a real process to resolve. I went into the hospital. What that message kicked off, that’s what I don’t know. What that means about my early childhood, I just don’t know, that’s just the thing. I started feeling some things I didn’t understand before and I wish I had been capable of vocalizing what was happening but that was my whole life…I came from a bizarre background that would support me in questioning what I did.
I was able to lead myself through that, psychology was a subject I was born into. My actual experience was also fascinating and on that level, I’m sharing all this because I could probably write a dissertation for real. I did indeed use symbols as one can do if they understand that they are doing it — of course, I believe I heard an actor say your mind shapes reality. Yup, you’re doing it, a useful thing to know even in guiding someone through something like that but then maybe something was done to them…also that.
I was asked to speak to a Ukrainian refugee about his hallucination he had on the run from war and I believe that these sorts experience could be handled with more care using storytelling techniques since we’re telling ourselves stories all the time, no, very human, and he evidently had an experience he could not process. It’s just to say. Someone might not be able to speak right away about what they are going through so a hospital or health care professional might want to be able to penetrate that kind of content to be able to provide better care.
“A hallucination is a strictly sensational form of consciousness,” William James, a thought-provoking perspective that I would apply. Hallucinations? As a question? Or, sensations. Are you experiencing sensations? Again, the body doesn’t really exist in this type of health care and it should. I couldn’t wrap my mind around what I was experiencing, this was a lie, no? About me being abused…And what I went through around my parents was rather excruciating. But also that 5 AM message, yes.
In terms how we speak about trauma or how traumas can repeat themselves, what happens to an individual if they begin to shift, change on the profound level that I did…will the system, in a sense, defend itself? These are larger questions. I also seemed to experience a miracle, which I did, a line rose from my belly from a point so deep, it was impossible, while I was going through pain.
“I have seen Gods die to become ordinary men and I have seen ordinary men die to become extraordinary men.”
I added “and you are one of them,” for Hades, just an idea now, a super cool exit idea. I was experimenting with Jung, his bizarre experiment to whip up rencontres with the collective to evaluate their therapeutic potential. I have experimented in my dreams…I was a child Jung…I used mythology, that’s it, it’s not that Hades is really real, let’s not be silly.
This spiritual question is another…confusing area…maybe for some, yes. And as someone who was raised Catholic, at four years old I was confused. What do you believe in? Are you being serious?
Mythology works. It’s a guide. Amazing how the myth came back to impart a lesson at the end…with the symbol of Hades reappearing as I was closing my cousin’s door “gently.” He left me with a gentle lesson, which I needed after all that.
Reality if not our experience of it is one of the most fascinating subjects. Not everyone understands, in some senses, what this is, and that’s basically it, no spiritual talk. For many, this is…too hot a subject. Not really Hades, backing away from you, exactly. But if people say “think positive” or you’re shaping your reality in some way…these are just psychological tools. For some, maybe their mother is a soothing idea that might come to mind…the thing is, I don’t know enough about certain problems, and they evidently weren’t mine, but I do believe there’s better care options than currently exists.
That’s basically it. When you experience a miracle like that, the rest…I’m putting it over there. Anything is possible. I am amazing, even, someone suggested that I meditate on this phrase and so I did since I had some trouble believing in myself for a long time, it turned out. And? Something wrong with believing I am amazing? Have so much to offer?
Not walking into a room in the same way I used to.
But this 5 AM message, right? The experiences that I’ve had since that, at times, I’ve wondered — did someone send that to me? Is this related to the plant medicine therapy I did for some years as well, a world I totally left. But this 5 AM message hit straight in the gut. So, I’ve been writing about that extraordinary year of healing, in that, I left the hospital without a diagnosis besides psychosis and they are supposed to inform you of your diagnosis which I was not, it was just marked on the exit papers and someone who apparently worked for an hospital said that they just do that when they don’t know. Alright. Is that true?
Someone was also sedated without reason…from what I saw. We were just talking about how she got there. She was opening up. She didn’t want it, so I read number two on the Bill of Rights, having gotten to know this list rather well, which stated: we won’t do that. I obviously didn’t know her case but still. I’ll talk about her too, Lisa, because our conversation was interesting in even trying to honestly assess what her case was…I was doing this…while I was going through all that.
Sure, if I’m there, I’m there.
I said in an earlier post that my dreams have been a journey — I had to recover from that experience and I had some terrible dreams that required that I take a sick day…that made me further wonder about my parents due to what the dreams were since I was given away to a total stranger at four — a completely insane situation and my mother accused my father of being a child molester and this woman who took me home for four years not expecting to…would later state that my mother handled me in a way that was inappropriate.
Just please.
But my dreams seemed to have therapeutic potency which isn’t un-supported. Even if healing from a psychological event. Maybe for others, too, in other situations, I do not know. I never had a history of mental health issues, either, but that doesn’t mean that can’t be true. And coming out of that experience, I didn’t have any, just to add, though yes, of course, I had to recover. I thought about dreams…I’ll talk about the ones I remember. I wish that someone would have suggested, actually, that I record these past couple of years…if it was really, seriously, Carl Jung’s The Red Book.
I don’t know what to say about that — since I was dealing with…? I initiated a therapeutic direction, regardless.
So, now, I’m back to me regularly schedule program.
I’m having the type of dreams that I would like to have — my book coming together, how wonderful. That sort of thing.
Talking about what happened seems to have helped especially about that miracle because that’s a mic drop. I understand it’s hard to believe, I do not know, but I do not care, because that really happened and I’m amazed myself. I don’t know what the point would be, if you have a miraculous experience…you’re supposed to say that, no? I mean, seriously.
I seemed to go through a series of experiences that cleansed my body of past traumas or perhaps potential problems? Since in the case, the line rose from my belly that “I have seen Gods die to become ordinary men and I have seen ordinary men die to become extraordinary men…” I was feeling pain in my ovaries. And it seemed to be fear, to start, that brought that area into a new state of sensation. I never knew I was afraid.
In any case, I had a past to resolve. That’s fine. It’s more just…what happened this year…amazed me.
My friend latching on, a little, who knows, having an agenda — he’s playing my character, he’s my manager…I’m paying him money to borrow his furniture. It’s just, after that, I had to go — okay, what sense does this make? To try and support his design, his artistry. I had to seriously consider that.
Last night, after this rejuvenated feeling, having moved through several sections of that experience, I had a series of dreams. I suppose I can speak about them only in relation to myself since I had these dreams and they might speak to an old framework of thinking or some thinking I became aware of, since I also just successfully moved through it. I was repressed for a long time, someone reflected to me. But whatever this is — no longer applies to me.
This has been a disappearing thread…of this experience…if not one of the worst part. Again, I had to conclude that this was related to my parents in some way…on that level, sure, I have some questions about trauma and our perspective on it…
I was in some grand apartment, sort of, on the border of Marymount. One of the money men was there with some guests…it didn’t seem to be his house. In the end, he said something about staying in touch like I found myself in some headspace that I wanted to be in — no, no. This is not that. Waking up from that one — no. Had to clear it up, regardless. Things…didn’t end that well with the money men, one of them, and I’m graining away…since I don’t totally understand that. Again, farting on the phone after I got out of the hospital, is like a no. After saying you’re a really good friend.
That’s an automatic gross. I’m fine with saying that. No, I do not deserve that. If I farted, I would apologize. So, just saying.
I had a series of dreams…that was one of them. I don’t understand this energy dynamic, sure, inside of me but this would never happen again. And sometimes, people might have to make decisions for themselves.
I saw “argument” as a word show up on vague hospital papers with some version of me getting their ears pierced at the hospital — no, no, no. That was hell. Not some ear piercing. Don’t know if I was abused, you see, someone reflecting “yes, neglect” back at me…what argument?
There was no argument.
And why am I having this dream? I moved through these feelings…easy, at this point. Like, no, I’m not allowing some small-minded thinking, which is what this was, to overpower the growth and expansion that I feel. Regardless of who sent that message, regardless of what I went through as a child, etc. etc. etc., in this moment, this is small-minded thinking.
I even messaged someone to ensure the replacement vacuum cleaner I left sufficed since her vacuum broke, just to be sure, since I got an image of that…isn’t that funny? This was all related to this person. Again, that 5 AM message, whatever they are doing here… I do not know why. Who cares?
The image, we tend to say, in hallucinations is not the point, it’s the feeling-states they contain. Now, if it turns out that they did…can you imagine? I suppose, regardless, you can still work with the sensations and imagery to continue transforming…moving on…changing your relationship to it. Probably, for me, on some level, that insane situation I was in at four…wasn’t ever dealt with properly…I came to reframe a whole childhood that seriously affected my life.
In my case, I still don’t know what to say about that. And I suppose I can study the impact of that message as well, talk to people. It changed my life. But that year…changed my life.
I couldn’t really assess what these dreams were — no excuses, no reasons, that was just wrong.
That’s a simple response.
I did not deserve that.
What does it matter at this point who sent it, it’s more just the pop ups of these dreams…yeah. Something I’ve had to continue to reject on principle. My childhood sort of becomes more interesting to me…I intend to continue talking about my experience which has been compared to Carl Jung’s The Red Book, you see.
None of this, regardless of what it is, applies anymore. This framework of thinking. So, one in a therapist position would continue to uplift…empower…these sorts of words. I’m moving way beyond these sort of feelings…not the same girl who got there. All of that still holds truth regardless of the facts— that was very real. And I’m out, I’m fine, all I have to do is…deal with minor dreams…also get comfortable with new dreams —like yesterday — that leave me so enthused and excited, it’s still not that comfortable, not that I wasn’t always. I’m just singing…you see…getting my book together…seeing it come together…I imagine I could reach for more than that. That’s what I mean.
If this was a contradiction, a little feedback dream from an old framework of thinking, understanding, again, I’ve seem to be able to work with them to keep opening, growing, and feeling more well…
Thank you to the symbol of Tina Turner. Just put Tina Turner over there…worked very well.
Radiate, no? Power, grace, sensuality. Amazing. Be amazing. I didn’t hear anything else from Tina Turner the symbol. At any age.
So, here I am, saying “confess” in my mind, if this applies, taking symbolic scissors slicing up that word because God knows…give me money, basically, if someone I knew sent me that message. Give me money regardless. Was able to take responsibility for the feelings I had and go — no, no, no. Quite simply. Again, small-minded thinking. I’m strict with myself. But strictness is not tight, mean, sometimes, we have to make decisions.
Look, if it turned out that I placed myself — even thinking about my friend — in lower positions in some way, yes, and that belief system showed itself when I simply started to change, yeah, then that’s not what I wanted to do. I had some power balance issues, perhaps, that I was un-aware of. I am a powerful person, again Tina Turner the symbol wants me to be. That symbol over there…she stays.
Tina Turner, she’s there, going “look at what I did…”
Yes, exactly.
I experienced a miracle and isn’t that something? This is what I mean about these dreams, this little house, these dreams could be interpreted in a variety of ways. I find dreams fascinating for that reason. Is this me playing out whatever this lingering attachment is…I don’t know…not so much to this person…but I guess how this person made me feel…or let’s even be more positive, how this person helped me establish differences…I feel a release of tension in my gut.
Not that girl anymore…whatever that means.
It’s just like, I guess I’m going to just have to put away that someone did…someone I know did send me that message. You know, I prayed to God, at one point, some higher intelligence, that if someone did send me this that I know…I would appreciate knowing. Again, I couldn’t resume normal eating until I admitted that it felt intended…it obviously was…and who was that person?
I didn’t doubt for a minute it was them, that’s the other thing, so I can’t help that, sometimes. And just how that suite went down…yes, it’s not to say one expects one to do that, it was the physical sensation that came with it, so if I was confused, who cares? It’s just no one spoke to me…like my response was abnormal. Which is not fair.
I leave that be. And I keep doing that. Cannot do anything about it. Have no clue. But I can deal with the sensations…the feelings…and empower myself. Moving beyond that…we have a whole life to lead, many books to write, songs to sing, who knows? I feel like I just got here, in many ways. Things are possible, can do anything, that’s basically the lens.
So at least, there are perhaps better ways to accompany or care for someone who might be misunderstood in a mental hospital — could be going through traumas or experiences they don’t understand or anything, quite frankly. The focus. The future is a point of focus. You can do anything. It’s a good baseline. Moving through a real world, exactly.
So, pinning it. Whether that is my parents, this bizarre person who sends threatening messages to people at 5 AM that their actual bank is going to be shut down with no ask, and remember, I had never received a message, seriously, through my website before. Just pinning it.
These images, reasons, if I’m trying to find them myself — no. Not a single reason. Not a single excuse. This is what I mean. No reason. Unacceptable. Not invited into my space, I have every right to be a success in the world. These types of statements. I saw a few things — no. An old friend, too, like you offended me. I am not the same person.
People do all sorts of things for one another, think about a marriage, and getting to a point of separation. Relationships have their journies, no? The Roots and Badu said it, “relationships get ill, no doubt,” it can happen. Listen to the song. I don’t hold grudges.
That’s me moving through whatever these feelings are.
So, to conclude, I’ll talk about that experience since every time I went to eat…right? I had physical challenges. Being told by I something about II — and is this my parents? That I wanted the other. And it’s like, no, I don’t. I did not know how this related to my parents. Only pain. Why would I want this to begin with, someone forcing me to want someone? Sensations. Plus everything else I went through.
So, right, that person who sent that message, whoever they were, that seemed to be sent with hate. Maybe I had to go through some past stuff…you know what I mean? I went through something. I got to the other side, was able to recover.
Overall, if you can think about this thematically, meaning the stories take care of themselves but the underlining themes, decision making process, all that, still applies. I don’t know what to say about my family, my parents, and that’s really what it is but just given what the story always has been — always always — I might have reason to suspect that, I don’t know, maybe there was more going on there. I would have to continue to talk and learn.
Sometimes, I had to spend a day after one of these dreams — not anymore — when they were painful. I had to spend a night, a day, rejecting it. I did not deserve this, I do not deserve harm. That helps me gut…this is on such a low simmer now…it doesn’t matter.
So, overall, you can engage with what someone is saying…transform whatever this story is, try to understand the body of it, it comes from somewhere. In this case, it’s no. I might suggest that they might have experienced some abuse, though that would be an area I would have to learn more about, if you have to admit to yourself that it felt real and true not random in order to resume eating without pain.
Maybe they did send it. Someone did. The answer is still no. I’m sure there was hate in it, in that, someone has to be in an off state to send that to someone and people do send the craziest shit to people.
Thank you for the miracle. That’s what I’m leaning on. I experienced a miracle.
That’s the point.
That turned out to be quite a year. I learned some lessons myself.
Thanks for reading…yes, singing, feeling vulnerable, too, maybe that opened some more stuff up. Again, these dreams felt therapeutic. I can see my life…nothing wrong with it…there are bigger dreams…that might have had a fair amount of shadow in it that I wasn’t aware of…doesn’t matter…on a certain level who sent it…since our psychologies, our realities, what we expect, we’d be astounded to discover how powerful we are…in bringing some stuff in. Since someone did send that message. Oh, of course they did, they really hate me. I hated that situation, just would never in a thousand years ever find myself in that again. In general. I’m chill to be friends, friendly, a really good word for me to adopt. Friendly. But who I become close to…is another subject now.
The feelings, I can deal with. They’re real. That’s just a no. Mistakes. What mistakes?
That felt good. “I forgive myself for all mistakes real and imagined,” I liked that phrase from the hypnotherapist. I forgive that person for all mistakes real and imagined. Also good.
Personally, what I know, is that miracles can happen.
“I have seen Gods die to become ordinary men and I have seen ordinary men die to become extraordinary men.”
I do not want any more lines rising from impossible places…but that’s the one, the one that did.
Thank you.
Uplift. Empower. Never lose sight of “healing” as a true positioning for justice.
You can move through a story…again…plenty of people want to change their lives in some way. You can do that.
I’ll learn more later about the specifics, what a gut might mean, all that, but I’m deeply proud of myself…I worked through a complicated childhood, framework of thinking that wasn’t changing…and I was able to deal with a wholer perspective on myself…ready to turn that experience into gold…you see. That’s the master plan. Because I can. Transformation.
And I experienced a miracle.