I took the longer walk to the nicer spot and had a couple of sangrias and heavier foods and stirred this straw and recalled…whoosh, whoosh.
What a year that was…quarantine. Just thinking about what happened in my life that year as the protests were happening. I didn’t have to leave the house that was not my house. Even talking to my sister for the first time in a couple of years. Just to see the degree to which racism is. Did not have to leave my house that was not my house.
And then with a mirror, it’s not hard to look at what governments have done, the only way to enact change is to kill a politician, bringing drugs into neighborhoods in New York, painting false pictures, and again with this mirror…elections, people have been assassinated by governments.
Just my…watching Trump taking a photo op with the Bible — blasphemy. If you think about the phrase, “do not take the Lord’s name in vain,” I have to look it up but did any church speak out against this? What on Earth are you doing?
The call to prayer. A perfect night in Istanbul. I have to make life a higher priority than it is right now.
Went for a walk, looked at some clothing. Time to bring that back in.
I sold my closet after I got out of the hospital. I kept a few things but they’re not here.
Someone suggested figuring out social media so I bought clothing around my theme if I was going to make videos, had some fun. Didn’t think — where am I? All the same, it was very freeing. Moving. Acting stupid at Al Tennis. I pictured myself in the background of a Christmas sports shot…espressos and Pandoro in the foreground…running along the net, miming swinging a racket in soft focus…nothing to take notice of. Just that Neapolitan. Which seemed to be true.
No irony, no comment, just a wave.
It made me laugh. How could it not? So sweet that they let me play around.
Obviously, I thought, oh, if I were giving myself advice — just pitch. Produce work. What are you doing? Who cares about this right now? I have all this footage, cool, and I’m always looking on the goddamn bright side. Just get that going. Pitch. Publish online. Maybe I needed to open myself up to more than writing…I enjoyed that. I really did. I’d like to keep working on movement.
Spent the mornings in Fes, on a deck that sits high above the property, tiles, tiles, a terrace with wooden beams…not pristine. I moved…took the space…this Brazilian woman who took me home…it was dance 24/7, the lambada, and I moved through that recovery at the palace in Fes, the first location to have electricity. That was fun, finding movement again.
My blocks ended up being very real though, speaking about my approach, a bit surprised at how hard it was for me to lead with that story…share work…and simultaneously, I’m the type that takes a tripod, camera, and goes out and does something.
I started singing again…what a joy that’s been. This week, I didn’t sing because I had this Mother’s Day event to process, at least those pieces, but I found my spot for the moment to just unleash, get back into shape, and just have fun.
I’m using warm-up albums, karaoke tracks. What else do I need to start…? Tomorrow I’ll go, back to my schedule. I’ve been listening to Dionne Warwick, Dolly Parton, moving around style just working on getting out sound, figuring out my range. So much fun to get that back. I receded by the time I got to college.
Barbara Harris…thanks. She really opened that back up, drama. The Second City, that original group.
Feeling like I have lots of choices now, like I just got here, like I have time — I can relax, in a sense, just a tad. I got so much out of my way so I sometimes feel, oh I could work on scenes, monologues, incorporate drama back into my life. There’s a lot I can work on…I’m so young.
Nothing wrong with where I am at…and…okay…okay. Not exactly where I’d like to be, but it’s not bad, just have to move forward now having corrected some basic problems. I don’t know what else to call them.
I guess it might have been an “iceberg! Right ahead!” moment, whatever that was and I turned the ship…but I was thirty-two, three…the Titanic was a big ship. I was able to work through that quickly, actually, I mean, a few years, and I did experience a miracle — it seems. “I have seen Gods die to become ordinary men and I have seen ordinary men die to become extraordinary men.” That line rising from my belly with spatial dimension. And like, the person I told, all they said was “good line.”
I want to see results in my life — that’s my objective.
I have one year…if I look at time that way…what do I seek to accomplish in a year? Where do I want to be at forty? Three years. Book. That’s easy. I’m going to spend some time thinking about that, maybe meditate on it, so I can set specific goals to help myself think about what’s next. I’m not going to stay here. Community building would be another. Meet someone, I mean, Jesus.
If lines such as these can rise from impossible depths…I should be able to accomplish a couple of concrete goals…I should be able to whip up a little Jodorowsky magic of some kind, seriously. I appreciate Tina Turner so much, so much, just what she did. She’s extraordinary for having gone through what she did and shining because of it. And she was in her forties…this is what I mean…I’m here. I’m young.
I imagine the states.
Anyway, headed to sleep.
Thanks for reading…