I guess it took a couple of days for something to settle, maybe the road comes with bumps or something, but I dug deep into my unconscious belief system, tried to, yesterday, with this oldest storyteller idea in mind, looking at that amazing room in Reggia di Portici with the optical illusions on the walls…hard stuff, I felt like I wrote all day with nothing, so I ended up deleting it in the end, because who gives a SHIT how I got here? So I just let that go, but I think it did something, since I moved through some blocked emotions, thoughts, all that, because this manifestation workshop just encouraged us to get raw and real with where we’re at. So I did that.
And last night, I had a dream about a plan I could start to have about my return — to the United States of America. I saw kids, even, hilarious. Some plan began to present itself with Kim Rose Rosen there, hilarious, who is into BDSM, Barbara Harris coming through me to include the dirty invented detail. She encouraged me, she did, through all this by laughing through me. Isn’t that pretty? I went through hell, but I was thinking so much at that time about what I could do with the material that I had, more so in the direction of comedy. Some transformational process was happening, and Barbara Harris would appear in my mind laughing just laughing at what I said in my mind, and it was healing, it really was: her laughter through me. She, I mean, I don’t know, really gave me the confidence to develop my ideas, so that might be the time I spent with her, the work I absorbed. I’m not exactly in need of defining this in a particular direction, only that…Chariots of Fire soundtrack in my ears…it really happened. It happened just like that.
And so did this.
Seriously, listen to this.
Only because Barbara Harris seemed to embody quite a lot of mystery, and like, people told me that I was psychic as if you couldn’t NOT see it, you cannot not see it, when I have never had this experience outside of ONE person, so doesn’t that mean THEY are psychic? So, is that true? No offense. Or is someone inspiring a character? I’m not saying I’m not, I’m just saying as a direction to send someone down…And Barbara Harris played a psychic and then a fake psychic later. So I don’t know what to say about what I have experienced around her, that’s not my issue, but this is what happened…without any interpretation.
I was about to finish my first draft, and I was about to go through a large experience.
All of a sudden, my mind’s eye opened long and black. Two pieces of mirrors were floating and reflecting off one another, truly. It was as if a movie was playing. This wasn’t exactly thought. I’m watching this moving picture, like what is this? Are we reflecting through time and space? I don’t understand. I saw me — start to come into focus — on this mirror on TV, something. Someone asked me why I didn’t do the Barbara Harris project or why I waited so long, something like this, and I swear to God. I watched myself say: “because I would do nothing without her permission…”
To me, standing there, so what? And? Sounds like something I would say, but by the feeling I got, this was shocking? Well, good, I thought. You do not disrespect the dead, it’s ancient basic stuff. Good. Why am I even thinking about this??? Whatever this is. I dismissed it…nothing surprising here. What am I supposed to do with that? I had put this away. I wasn’t doing it. Didn’t think about it again. It was also a touch mysterious. I didn’t know what this was.
And then, I went through some fear spell, some event, around my early childhood, since I went through a series of experiences around it that apparently sounded “normal,” like sure, you were probably scared…when that never occurred to me. I went through it, got to the other side, okay, maybe I was scared.
I took a walk, softly crying, because I didn’t know…and truly, this movie started to REPLAY. My mind’s eye opened long and black, the mirrors…I was now watching like what is this? Truly. And I promise you, okay? When I said “I would do nothing without her permission,” I saw in front of me a way to perceive someone walking up behind me. I’d never seen anything like it in my life. In the park. I just stood there, I mean. I saw someone come out of energy swirls, something like this, and begin to walk up behind me through space illogically, or the distance was actually longer, condensed, hard to explain, but not close, it was really something. I had no idea who it was until I felt a presence on my shoulder, like what is this?
“YOU SAID THAT?!”
I heard.
“Barbara Harris?”
“YOU SAID THAT?!!”
What do you do in this situation?
“Of course I did,” I don’t care what this is, “of course I did…”
“BUT I’M DEAD!”
This was what I heard.
“It doesn’t matter to me…”
First, you do not disrespect the dead, regardless, I could check that off, no matter what this was. The energy of her still exists, since energy cannot be destroyed only transformed, but then, the energy of you might still exist, too, that’s a deep question as to what people believe, but the dead, conceptually, is an idea that we can all agree on. If I were to hand you a hammer at a gravestone, I doubt that you would strike it. Because you’re supposed to respect the dead, this line, even, oooh, Maria is spooking with out with that idea, me too. I would prefer to leave it at that. That’s an ancient everlasting idea. I do not suggest it. Now, in war, right? That’s when we enter unsacred territory, where such things can happen, but generally speaking, you don’t cross that line.
Whatever, on some level, I ain’t disrespecting the dead, okay? So regardless of what is ACTUALLY happening, that’s just true. I’m sure people could interpret that in different directions, you see, I don’t have a belief problem, so interpreting is not my problem. Sure, sure, it’s the work, the energy of the thing, sure sure, I do not care. This is what happened, that’s it.
Then, we had an exchange basically, in feeling, and I had her permission, going, okay, oooh, how do I explain this? She hated this sort of thing, I put this away. I said she had time to change her mind. I mean, I didn’t know what this was, like I couldn’t even write a BOOK, for the LOVE of GOD, so there was time. She could still change her mind, whatever that means. She said that I had her for life, which meant more to me than some project, so we’ll see…. and it was amazing to feel how true that was…her support, spiritually, which many people seem to be able to relate to. I feel my mother around, my father, whatever. She really blew my mind on that level, even if she inspired these sorts of characters, I don’t know, but I definitely felt her presence. It started making me laugh, even seeing people out there laughing, not that surprised, or finding that…believable somehow. It was funny.
About a year ago, I had some terrible dreams, hard moments around what happened in my childhood, and I had really strong sensations and reservations with putting myself out there, especially putting the time we spent together out there, because it’s a person, so I’m sensitive to that. I had to — before that — during all this — go through really really heavy feelings…working through some of this shame? Stuff like that. But then, I watched Lady Gaga talking to Oprah about her mental health issues, I suppose, thinking about emotion, obviously, but this would be the goal, no? On some level, feeling someone who might not have wanted to sign up for that? Talking to Oprah since it’s Barbara Harris about her “struggles,” but that’s…what we’re trying to make room for…Paul Sand said “HORSESHIT,” which was funny, when I said that people don’t want me to talk about her struggles, all of which I wasn’t expecting, and he said “that’s what made her brave,” that’s what people are going to relate to. So, I held his words, as well as his — giving me his address, unknowingly, laughing, putting the phone away from my ear, and him suddenly going “I feel I can trust you, IS THIS TRUE?” I just loved his honesty. "Yeah,” I said, “you can, I take that quite seriously.” I really do.
I mean I think that makes sense based on my past. I’m not that convinced or seduced by whatever this darker expectation is? I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not interested. I’m not talking to anyone about what was said. I hate gossip 100% — Kim Rose Rosen knows, don’t even ask her. Mar Moch is NOT going there, she’s not your audience. It’s true, it’s really true. Someone was talking to ME about Kim Kardashian like do I LOOK like this person? I finally said, breathing, “I DO NOT CARE about Kim Kardashian,” then, I went to her Instagram page, blessed her and her successes, and left it at that. About the time I spent with her though, I thought it was funny because I was “making unusual choices” in real life, not knowing that this would be the piece, but maybe I would write a paragraph about it? I don’t know actually since I was writing a profile? Then, thankfully, I did mention to my friend, as I was testing it out, that she…then called her bank…
”Did you listen in to how much money she had…?”
Cocking my head, this was what I expected, “no.” Like that.
“Why?”
Exactly. That’s why I did it.
I spoke to a couple of people about that time, but very selectively, just because I didn’t know what it was, and thinking about Frank Sinatra Has a Cold, it was successful because of its unusual set-up. I was reflecting more so on the public or my position as “the interviewer.” LA LA LA! My fingers in my ears. LA LA LA. DOO DOO DOO. I just wanted to know if she was alright. She was. That’s it. “Time to do the shopping,” and here we go. Boundaries go both ways.
She might want to think about that. I get it. I’m not entering her house before she does. That’s another conversation that was happening. I hardly even looked at her house. I know, but this was not — in my mind — the last time we would meet, so who gives a shit? Maybe I’m overboard, I don’t know, but that’s the truth. That’s who I am.
Then, sitting on used furniture, she began to open up about fame, I don’t know anything about that which I don’t.
Some of the choices I made were just the choices I would make, you see, not trying to be “different,” not knowing if THAT was shocking. You see? This is me, and I just showed up. We had a couple of moments like that. Where I’m not crossing the personal line. That’s just not my business. I can’t help who I am. Unbelievable? I got a 1000 clowns in one car, in this article I have to edit, ready to come out — boom, in your FACE hero.
I feel, on some level, some basic disbelief like something is inherently human about disrespecting one another? I couldn’t really explain it, because what the hell do I know? You know, moving through all these feelings, but I think boundary issues are pretty commonplace, and we’re learning that, I think, more and more, and we might be surprised in what circumstances we might cross certain lines because “she’s famous,” but she’s also…ill, no? I thought about boundaries a lot, in her case, so maybe she meant —? — it, when she apologized for not inviting me to stay at her house…no, I would never do that. I can get my own place. Not, “don’t worry about it,” or next time, whatever. Just no, I wouldn’t do that, I’m going to respect you since I can’t totally explain my feelings around that. I tried my best.
I went through such a deep world-shift myself that it made me think about her. What I didn’t know, what I did know, all the stuff that was buried. I thought about family dynamics, all sorts of things, and her example really gave me a lot to think about. I felt her support overall, going, she probably would have had to go through a world shift, not like people don’t, and that, healing is available to everyone, which is a good idea. Just because she was “sick” all her life, or had problems, and then, she’s some genius? Imagine. To me, it was somewhat obvious, that, regardless if she’s totally aware of all it because I could use my example to make some room to think about her, she might have had some difficulty juggling these two ideas. She was difficult, okay? People are? Some people are? I don’t want to necessarily smooth out her edges, whatever was “really” there, just bringing some thoughts to the surface, like — what did she have? People are misdiagnosed all the time…if she was that young. I got some information once I reopened this idea, over time, which was interesting, some insights? As to how real some of her struggles might have been. That’s a space to create safety around, so I did. Thought about it. Just thinking about whether things had to become problems, thinking about her energy, couldn’t sit still, agitation, stuff like that. As a youngster. My father was from the Great Depression era, older than she was, which is funny, so I had direct contact with this generation. Tough. There’s always always food. 8 people, at least, one bathroom? So, where did everyone sleep? Without being TOO basic, some of these boundary things might have been young. And kids are so sensitive, she might have been really sensitive. And maybe she picked up on things that she didn’t understand. I can’t totally explain that, but some of these “scary” states needed safety, like, maybe, I thought, seeing this as a young place, can’t explain any of this, we learn in meditation to let the thoughts pass, do not get attached to them. So could we learn to do that. I didn’t get what “it” was, but that made sense.
I receive information visually sometimes. I know that. Sometimes, if I stay up late, and I’m particularly tired, I can start to get imagery as I go to sleep. A car drove by in the street and made the most horrendous sound, screeching, and I got an influx of SCARY images, but I know it’s just the reception of the sound, not a problem, I’m not creating a problem out of some imagery…that’s it. Okay. I mean, sure, you feel scary sounds, and for me, rarely, I might get an image. So? I wish I was a visual artist, next. If you get to know what your experience is, without shame, fear, too, on behalf of the system, I think a lot of times, probably, “problems” can be avoided. By the rules of reality, you have a choice, it might not feel that way, but you technically do. So healing is a good suggestion.
Lineage seems to run rather deep, so I can relate to that.
One afternoon in Vico Equense, I spent a few afternoons — needing to walk, working out a plan. I put on Rainman, because I had some feeling about it, so I did, and I thought, oh, 6 days, okay, this was 4 days, and I thought that she might have been a prodigy, no? Genius. People said she was, a type of person that tends to fascinate us, who we generally believe comes with problems, “and why?” A fascinating question because what does that mean? A genius and prodigy, it turns out, are not exactly the same thing. I thought maybe she was a prodigy. And vulnerability being some extraordinary gift was remarkable. “Thanks for the connection.
“THIS IS ABOUT CONNECTION,” the wise screenwriter said on the phone.
“It’s about connection.”
He didn’t understand why I was so terrified. Share scenes. Just please.
She taught me how to dance, a little, “he got it,” he got it, already, and it was sweet, he discovers he has “A cousin 4th removed,” as she said to the pharmacist. I don’t know if I made the script reference to him, but it’s obvious. I told everyone that it was basically a piece in itself, and everyone said, “yeah,” as if that was not surprising, so that’s Barbara Harris. I don’t know what to say about shame and the pressure that it put on her heart, but sometimes I get feelings around that area. Just her lungs. I know she smoked, but you know, we’re just starting to look at the emotional body and its role in illness, so I thought, regardless, I might read into that. You see, the four days can be taken in a variety of directions, as is — it can stand on its own. I can tell you about my family, no problem.
So, if it goes well, I thought in the mountains, or whatever, I don’t know, no money, you see? No money for me. We’ll start a fund, we’ll make sure everyone is paid, appropriately, but I’ll put my money, cracking up, into a fund, so that’s nice, a foundation, that’s its own business. I couldn’t explain the feeling, the fear, something, that I would do ANYTHING to make a buck off of Barbara Harris, so I eliminated it far far away. There are things called LAWYERS. She wasn’t a money person, I understood, I’m really not either, and I had my issues because of it, in a sense, and I felt that being received, so let’s do that. I don’t know what that is yet, but that’s on my dream board since I made one for the first time in my whole life, that’s the plan. Hopefully, I won’t NEED the money! For the love of GOD, sure, maybe I’ll take some money to develop it, depending on where I’m at, I might just take it and put it in something that’s already set-up. Me? The idea that I would bullshit is hilarious.
And then, who knows, maybe these scenes are good, maybe people might want to use them, so I pictured them being in some drama bookshop, you know, B + M — like she gives a shit about that, which is true, she didn’t, she was more of a process-oriented person. I’m not here to judge her. She knew who she was. But still, I organized a plan around that in some capacity in advance that felt good. Solid. Her spirit, at least, in a sense supported me through the worst time, so if I just talk about her, if that doesn’t feel right, then, that’s basically it. But that’s what I had to do. That felt right. So in taking that time back out, she believed in me, she said that toward the end. I didn’t want to hear it either. I couldn’t receive that for a long time. It helped, it did.
I thought oh, maybe this is out of order, but I started reading what happened in those four days— maybe this is pretty good for many reasons. Since “the intellectual article,” the profile on her, I don’t know, that one took years as an idea, so…besides, a profile, what can I write? I ended up staying on the University of Chicago campus for a while due to the change that occurred in education since the turn of the century saw the break from religion. Most higher educational institutions were founded by Christian sects, so I read Harold Bloom’s The American Religion, all that, wondering about the changes that occurred in psychiatry, the drugs that were developed, since, as far as I remember, Harris was on medications quite early…so maybe I would look into that for her, since I ended up writing about them a little, I mean, psychedelics, but she was on drugs for a long time. I have no idea what those were…so I started to laugh, is Barbara Harris even more relevant? Even more relevant for today? Since mental health is the topic…and she had…an illness, apparently, literally, that translated to genius? You know what I mean? What am I supposed to do ethically, with everyone talking about THAT almost exclusively?
That kind of erasure, even if she herself, obviously, had a hard time with it, I can’t totally support that as an approach. And my family comes with mental health issues, major ones. So I’m not just some chick, not in this case.
I was typing it out one day— this is funny. I got to the first night. We’re standing outside Houston’s Steakhouse, and she asks “how long was your flight?” Right before we cross this abysmal expanse called the shopping center in Scottsdale, Arizona… I deleted it, my line, “an hour…” and I heard, “don’t delete that.” I sat back, “why?” Oh, and I got it, “oh, because it’s gonna take an hour to cross this parking lot,” I laughed. I learned a lot when I started putting it together.
And it began…in a series of flashes…seeing the darkness in these shopping centers, on the edge, the night having a real material, the presence of the universe with the stars, the whole thing. I felt like it was…appreciated as if I were getting feedback. Again, I am not interpreting, that’s really not my interest, no offense, but I’m just speaking about the mysterious nature of the experience that I had around her and this time. Hannah Arendt, her work, came to support me in this — totally fearless.
So that’s how that went down.
I’m not sure if it’s a book, or I might end up writing something about psychiatry as it relates, but I felt quite a lot of potential for healing, for generating compassion around having mental health issues at that time, or having a particular way of being and maybe things have changed or should in terms of how one approaches someone who might be coming through a door, like evaluating the family, first. “What? What do you mean? Well, are you a family no?” Yeah, an addiction expert told me that you normally have to treat the whole family because of how dynamics work. Oftentimes, with young people, their parents are the ones that really need therapy. So, there you go. A very nice man.
Nothing but compassion here.
Our conversation didn’t really end, in a sense, but then, Hannah Arendt even said that Rahel Varnhagen was her best friend for a couple of years. She’s not making a big “to-do” about it, so I’m not, but some of these experiences were really mind-blowing, but then, people have a fun time imagining things, too, like Barbara Harris in-spiritu — could be rather funny only because what she was doing…seemed to be somewhat mysterious. I’m not exactly getting caught up, like for real, that’s what it was, let someone else say that.
I had to move through quite a lot, thinking about her, the things I heard. It’s really no secret, Craig Lucas came out of the gate with her personality, there was literally no secret about it, so why would I pretend, even if it took some years to feel clear, that it wasn’t, at least, there, when her last remaining relative even said, “you can’t really talk about her without mentioning it,” which just felt like an extraordinary amount of pressure. Oftentimes, look, I could relate in some capacity, is reality not frightening, at times? I mean, come on. My mother was Dr. J. I was scared, I didn’t know, but I was. I saw things that scared me. Wasn’t quite sure what she was seeing, but I came from a rather complicated family, so on that end, I wasn’t just anyone…
So I hope that goes extraordinarily well. She’s commercial, so I was sitting with that because it’s true, and I think I mentioned this, but Paul Sand said her “struggles” are what made her brave. That’s what people are going to relate to. It does not negate who she was, and if there’s an opportunity to create room for acceptance around certain issues, even better, I don’t even have to mention her. I can talk about my family, the struggles I had in coming forward with people who had problems such as these. No problem, that was extremely hard, before anything happened.
It’s already a script, and the thing is, I feel pretty lucky because that’s one of the best of all time, so I learned — ah, the action is driving toward the end, right right, good to note, going over here to Miracle Mile. She was just particularly talented, it might not have been that easy for her either, but we spoke about everything that we needed to, not her struggles, she mentioned it, and I didn’t intrude beyond that. Just a little. I’m sure that was a lot, in other words. So “it’s mentioned.” She couldn’t really avoid it, and what do you do with that? Then don’t. It’s a bit cruel to oneself.
I don’t know why I went here today, but Barbara Harris is Barbara Harris, and she’s a woman in comedy, you know, so I believe, excuse me, she’s important for these reasons as well. She had her own style, which in going through this time, there’s something I, at least, recognized as being familiar? I don’t know, the problem with being vulnerable? Impenetrable? This was the dichotomy, it’s not that crazy to me. She doesn’t want to talk to the press. Probably today, I don’t know, but who was her agent? I was wondering, you know, but maybe there weren’t teams…where people don’t talk about certain things, you know what I mean? Don’t actors have “processes,” like they might have after-show, movie, processes to clear the character in some capacity? Do you need to eat? If you’re becoming someone else? You see? It’s okay, it’s just a large statement to make…Jim Carrey became the mask itself, he became the mask itself. That’s the name of the movie. I watched some of his stand up. What he’s doing is extraordinary, he’s becoming in some capacity, it’s amazing, sure, he’s able to contort his body is all sorts of unnatural ways, but it’s damn near unbelievable. The Mask.
I can’t wait for this line, “this isn’t Daniel-Day Lewis,” Kopit said, “she’s not becoming the role…she’s becoming someone else…” now, please, will someone understand how striking that is? I can’t just throw that out there, like, I’m sorry, what are you talking about? Do you think Oprah isn’t going to catch it? She is, Gail did first. But then, if I were to talk to some actors, what would they say? She’s a character actor, and the type of character actor that she is — I think, she had a quality that was uniquely her own. She wasn’t a standup, she wasn’t comedian, though she was, but there’s, I can’t really explain it, a subtlety to what she does…though it’s not. The first thing I saw was her performance at the ‘67 Tonys. Amazing. Is this news? No. Everyone knows that.
She had a unique “blend” of qualities as one journalist put it, so she had a womanly intuitiveness almost like Marilyn Monroe, the great Austin Pendleton said, okay, since he was the nicest, most generous man ever, and a real friend of hers, who also was honest. Anyway, she’s like Marilyn Monroe because of how she also commented on her sex appeal, which she has, and she’s a teenager, a cute baby, so she’s got some fluid surface where different ages might surface, and she’s just super good, a really extraordinary physical performer. Maybe she’s just making these choices intuitively, but I don’t know what to say, but she’s unreal, doesn’t adhere to realism, per se, even the way she throws her hand up over her in the Naked City TV episode, is rather suggestive at her father, right? So she’s responding to the thing. She scratches some tiny tiny spot, I’m not asking for much! And I remembered my teacher at Lecoq doing the EXACT same thing. Scratching some tiny spot, like this could become BIG. So physical theater doesn’t necessarily mean BIG, in the way we might think. Which is a compliment to her. She was doing her own thing. Not small.
Like in the Hitchcock TV show, her body in that is quite interesting, almost as if she’s reflecting the element of drinking, somehow. Like she’s a bit goofy, since this is goofy, and then she gets so dark. I enjoy looking at her as a physical comedian, because if you’re an actor, that’s what you are, also, so you can learn from her, no? She was one of the best, that’s what I kept hearing. I’m trying to describe this because she’s a founder of improv. Important. Will Ferrell knows who she is, he might slap me. So, at least, in her field, everyone knows who she is. Which made me a touch nervous, because who the fuck is this? Me. I was relieved and happy that something really great came out of that. The desert, the stars, the way I approached it even if it was “I don’t know,” I knew I was meeting someone who was a real genius, so. Even me with a Jean Baudrillard book, added, is good, I did think about that, though, the desert, but I’m not sure how intellectual I am, I’m not sure if that’s my skillset. Hannah Arendt comes to my mind now, like who cares? On that end, I would just begin, as she did, with the life statement.
“Confidence comes with belonging,” and you take it from there. That one is pretty clear to me.
Maybe a trip around some amazing pieces of work, try my best to assemble that, but if there’s room to explore psychiatry at that time, maybe that would be interesting too…separately, I don’t know. It depends, to me, it’s about the four days with some flashbacks or something as a script, maybe some interviews, I don’t know, but the four days interest me more than writing about psychiatry though it might spawn something in that direction.
It interests me, personally, to conceive of a TV show around the University of Chicago professors, so that we might be relieved and humored by the delivery of this line: “Abolish it! He’s summoning imaginary entities! The spirit of the times? The spirit of the times?! Have you lost your mind?!”
How funny is that? It might not be the line. But outrage. Real and true. From these professors.
Just picturing that professor…coming down the hall…you might not know…quite yet…what the problem is…he can’t concentrate on his class…this new class structure…since he did away with lecture…but this one, this one really takes the cake, right? It really does, barging into the professor’s room, now, with allies, a thing that this world depends on, to give it to Hutchins. The show is about that room, right? Everything hinges around it.
The whole campus was in a constant state of debate, which is so much fun, but the professors being the stars of the show, at least, a season, since those years saw some pretty radical experiments including the Manhattan Project as we know and the beginnings of The Second City, another fun product of sorts that came at the end of his tenure. And why now? In an elevator, “you can’t say spiritual,” not to the spiritual community, because of its association with religion, that’s it, and this time is a direct reflection of it, nothing — the spirit of the times — remotely religious in connotation could be stomached.
So we’re seeing, with questions to be asked, a whole shift in thought, how education across subjects was approached, and what is Hutchins supposed to do? It’s a rich world, even the neighborhood around the school, the overpass that the governor built to segregate the city? It’s a universe, a TV show. “The spirit of the times” or maybe “nation” is stronger. I guess Hutchins University, though the spirit was the main conflict. Religion was. That’s the point. That was the spirit of the times at least in Higher Education. And if people go, spirit is not necessarily religious, then good, let’s hope so, write in a character in the psychology department…okay? Who can debate these things? I don’t know. You would have to open up that department up, find out who was there, I don’t know. I believe Sociology was particularly upset. There’s nothing but possibilities there. That’s really funny — “the spirit of the times?” Just this professor. Hearing this. Someone dipping tea, I don’t know, math…? I had so so much fun watching that room come to a volatile life. Fertile.
Fermi was there…imagining…Hutchins… getting word…that the first demonstration for nuclear fusion happened on the unused squash courts since Hutchins hated sports. Even that. Like college football was invented to fund colleges, it was the previous president’s idea, but without a religious affiliate…where were they supposed to get money, the University of Chicago is interesting for all sorts of reasons, enter the Rockefellers. Harris and I had a fun time, lol, on this campus, we did not want to leave. I’m just joking.
And, this professor has to keep saying it at least more than once: “the spirit of the times…” in a variety of ways even perplexed, when that was, in fact, the spirit of the times. Professors aren’t “looking at one another” like what? Though he had supporters, there was a tremendous amount of volatility around him, which makes his character extremely interesting as someone who didn’t back down from debates, whatever that energy was. I think he too understood that the system was adversarial. That was an extremely smart man. Just picturing him holding “the rule book for higher education,” something stupid, and throwing it out. That’s what he did. I was riveted and amazed. “Stupid,” he thought it was stupid, literally. Makes no sense. This professor's room.
That interests me.
Hutchins’ University was so radical, and why not? Make education cool. He was a real star, even according to YALE, their standards, like “what were you doing at 29?” There he is, writing something down. But he’s an academic, a lawyer, originally, at least, became department head of Yale Law in his twenties, what are you doing, man? So those stars exist too. That’s a fun TV show with an end date, more or less. You think, when you look at organizations like colleges, “oh that’s just the way it is,” when it doesn’t have to be that way, so that was Hutchins, the mind that he had, which is a person with a particular scope, and as an example of the times, he fits the bill. His father is a star himself, a star minister — Presbyterian — he’s a respected theologian on college campus. That’s where Hutchins grew up, but he can’t take this path. He has to find his own way to Truth. That meant law. Reason. Because, well, it was the spirit of the times, the break from religion was a very real moment. He was born right at the turn of the century. And guess what? My grandma too, haha, and my grandfather was born at the end of the 19th century, my cousin Chris did call me the Ghost of Christmas Past or Future, wasn’t sure. It’s a no-brainer, in the words of the wise screenwriter. It’s a no-brainer.
Anyway, I’m so obsessed with this man, I must stop. As you can see.
I got so many ideas driving through Barbara Harris’ era that I’m more grateful to her than anything else. There are some pretty extraordinary people out there. Hutchins was. A true genius. No one is going to pooh-pooh that, a funny phrase. “He was mediocre.” James Earl Jones? James Earl Jones was James Earl Jones at the time that Barbara Harris was coming up. James Earl Jones. A full-name person. Just in terms of her being a total star, total genius, unique, no problem there, but so is James Earl Jones. No one is going to say James Earl Jones is not. I don’t know what to say about her qualities and all that. I would ask him, what he thought about her as a performer who was around at that time, mostly because he’s James Earl Jones, and I imagine he might have seen her perform? Again, I would try my best to get a picture of the world she’s in, even if I edit most of it, I don’t know. I don’t know what I plan to do yet, but “becoming someone else” is such a remarkable statement, not that she becomes the mask, but she’s becoming someone else. I wonder, I suppose her resistance to the press had its own effect, but there was quite a lot of buzz around her, and one can extend some understanding that she might have not known what to do with that?
What am I supposed to say? She seemed to have real struggles. There’s nothing “wrong” with that? And sure, I see an iteration of her in my head maybe emoting, “that’s what you think,” but then, give her some room. I don’t know anything about the behind-the-scenes, except her friends knew, and also times have changed, they have, around that subject, it’s very true, even if stigma still exists, and we’re trying to move past that. I’m not even trying to correct her.
I’ll probably put together some book proposal sooner rather than later. I’ll get to the script, too, since I’m learning how to do that, beginning to. Hopefully, I’ll get this movie idea to the next step about Miracle Mile, so we can all look at one another, “whoa, that was crazy town,” and I can write some pages and try to get an agent. No? This was my plan to begin with, totally achievable, and I’m happy that’s looking more and more achievable.
Also, if putting yourself in the shoes of a family who finds themselves with some baby (which I didn’t know) with these parents, if that clarifies the real situation, good, I’m glad. If there’s something correct about my instincts that some courtroom drama ending around the fate of this child might be timely…also good. I know someone who is a lawyer for foster care kids, so perfect. I don’t need to tell him what the power of fiction is, even if the family court situation is more of a dream. You see, once you get into the system, you don’t know, like would my character, a minor, even be able to ride with these people over to my house in that rising climax? You see? They might not understand. Most people might not. You're not her parents. And here we go, the plot thickens. The state enters into the equation.
Sometimes, on that level, there’s so much possible, there’s a way of navigating outside of these constructs, and then, there’s a real system. It’s true. I see a rich night scene. Where we might get a peek into that world. Not to say, I started looking stuff up, movies don’t exist, but the story is true, and it’s dramatic, comedic, with this meeting of cultures, the dance parties, the love songs, it’s a strong narrative. Maybe this family fights to keep her…she’s just eight years old. What does the system do when these sorts of abuses might be involved? Make it real. Makes sense, no? We’ll learn something, I’m sure, I have a feeling, which is why, she didn’t want to do that to me, also. I don’t envy her position.
More or less, people told me that I was lucky — truly lucky that I didn’t go to foster care. That was it. Can you imagine? It’s not that unique. And people find themselves there for all sorts of reasons, and look, I might not know the details, but I’m pretty sure that my father would have been diagnosed with something? By nature of his approach? Are you there?
Anyway, Jesus, the whole thing creeped me out, okay? Thinking about me with baby this morning, ready to tackle “THE PTA MEETING,” I ain’t missing ONE. I’m going to BE — Barbara Harris really laughed at this one — in my mind — in aviators, inspecting everybody. “I ain’t a cool Mom.” I ain’t disturbing my babies, they will not detect me, the adults will. I’m sorry I’m just laughing. An assassin. No, no, no, I’ll tell you about the RED roses I received at twelve by my Sunday school teacher, for I was his assistant, investigating the Catholic Church at the time. Looking at these red roses coming to my house after “a lunch,” sure, I said, not trying to project anything onto this man…I’m sure it was innocent, you understand, this word isn’t the point, you see. Red roses — that’s a sign. Now, what I learned? Adults might not be able to grasp that. “What is this strange object,” how strange…
Innocence isn’t the point. That was the last straw in my investigation, truly. If someone sent my kid RED roses thanking them for LUNCH, also, what??? I know. I went through this lunch like whatever, I have older friends lol, and I was dropped off. It makes you uncomfortable. To then receive red roses. I’d be — excuse me? Red roses? I had to pull the plug there, sure, “it’s probably nothing,” maybe he’s just stupid and inappropriate, I don’t give a shit. You don’t do that. Sure, the problem might be innocent since I heard someone refer to someone with this problem as being “not malicious,” which made me want to kick down his door — bring your kid. Don’t give me that bullshit. How to heal these things, deal with these things is another question. People having been victimized themselves, sure, is another valid question. No one on earth is as supportive of a healing apparatus as I am. But red roses? You see. I was alarmed, at least. Stay away. Innocent, I got that vibe. In terms of where these problems come from, that’s another question, but I assure you, innocence is a complex word.
All because I became an assistant to the teacher, and I liked him, it wasn’t that, I mean, as a teacher, but when these sorts of lines are crossed, it’s just to say. If it was a woman, that would be one thing, but still, The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, this woman was crazy. This is the power of cinema. I have to watch that one, again, I didn't like it. Leave this family alone, crazy bitch. Ding dong, seriously, ding dong, red roses were delivered to my house. Just please, can’t you see…? An actor is coming to mind. No, no, I can’t. You know when people go, what? Signs? What do you mean? Meaning the SIGNS. You fool. Since I got that one just a touch too much.
Sometimes I get scared since this producer seems to be a truly real person, but I think my instincts are correct about what to do with those four years, so I hope he agrees, and I never doubted him, I mean, I really trusted him, off the bat, which is why I felt somewhat bad about deviating from his structure proposition, but he just offered that as an option. You sort of want a couple of actors to fight the system in some capacity to keep her. We’ll see. I’m excited about it. At least I have someone I can directly contact about it as a reference point…as a lawyer for foster care kids.
I think, what annoyed me? Kids end up in foster care for all sorts of reasons, I think? And the idea of…giving a child over to one of their family members…isn’t that complicated? I have lots of questions. I have no idea what happens, what avenues they pursue, if the kid has a say, at all, nothing. They’re a minor. Imagine, just put yourself in my shoes, even, at four years old…and eight years old…being handed over to the state.
I had problems, for sure, in a sense, kicking this goddamn mental health word — fuck you— fat chance —Barbara Harris supporting me, sorry I’m laughing, she appeared in my mind. She does that. Isn’t that funny? At least that time did, you know, having someone spiritually speaking that supported me too? Does that make sense? Laughing.
Nothing wrong, but I struggled in a particular way that I was unaware of, and I was fine, also, but part of what was frustrating was how people could look at me like some sort of unique creature, when I was lucky, you see, now I can communicate more clearly around all that understanding it better myself. And my producer — high five — at least I hope, told me that “this a unique story,” he said, so yes, I can take that, also thank you, since I received the WEIRDEST responses to my story, too, on the other end. That’s fine. It is, in a sense.
You’re just…stopping by someone’s house…not expecting to get wrapped up in a family problem. Not asking for any sympathy, I assure you, though I felt like people could get attracted to my problems, if you would. A strange line. Do I trust you? Or is this some sentimental ride? Dee dee dee, twinkling my curls, lol.
The story as is, I tried my best, wasn’t even readily believed, you know? As if belief isn’t a real thing, if you want to talk about mental health: believing someone. In someone. Reality is a connective tissue, people. Disconnecting from reality, what the hell does that even mean? Right? Belief is not nothing even as a strategy in bringing someone BACK. Thank you. These are my theories.
Anyway, I gotta get dressed, get groceries, watch another movie, read Christmas in Naples is a Sport, and keep visualizing, keep going, right? I didn’t go to foster care. I’m not trying to go there, but I could have. Gross right? Who wants to go there? All these questions even around me, it’s been one heck of a ride. I can’t do anything. I can’t say anything. All I can do is keep going, and maybe eventually, I’ll talk to some experts in this area, and I’ll take it from there. Is it true? Really? Even if this was around me? I could have processed this as real? Someone told me that. I’ll talk to someone eventually.
Someone “had a feeling” which he could have expressed directly, earlier, that he didn’t think I was cared for properly, meaning, neglect, and can someone help me understand what that means? Psychologically? Since it’s rather common, I read that one, and I promise you, not one friend, not ONE, asked me a single question. So a major lesson here. When real words are used such as neglect, sexual abuse, not ONE. And look, maybe I have higher standards, but I would most definitely be that friend. You wouldn’t have to float.
And, on a final note, the oldest storyteller comes to mind, the fictional context through which I will express these things — there was some feeling I’m beginning to have about this whole ordeal I went through, like there’s something to learn, something to learn, okay? We’re all going to learn. Some pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. We will discuss characterization in psychology as well as myth, mythology as a valid guide.
I gotta edit my clown article, so I hope that angle sounds good about a healer dialoguing with the hero.
In the words of an English photographer, “bless you.”
