This line. That’s what my father told this mother who took me home for one day that turned into four years…once he heard, FOUR years into this, that his wife had accused him of being a child molester which is why his daughter has been living with her, why this mother has been playing games with him if he CALLS or requests visitation rights…without anything being said directly, so she had every reason to believe it was true, you see. A child molester is scary, it’s a scary figure. Everyone is scared. Parents, I think can understand how that idea might twist one’s faculties, there’s all sorts of hero complexes that exist, fangs, real fangs, like I will kill you. That’s a very real thing, and one of the — these fictional parents might have a wise moment with my character — thing that truly struck me was just how unreal this figure could be. You can’t believe it. That would make sense no? It’s hard to believe?
So, the issues aside, the ISSUES the SCRIPT brings to the surface aside, today, I’ve given myself a little downtime to work on my belief system and refocus my manifestation objectives — get ANY and ALL limitations and obstructions OUT of my way, life. I CHOOSE to believe, period. This is my choice. I’m reaching beyond this moment in time for support out there from people who really succeeded in their lives, who have no problem imagining such a truth or manifestation is possible. That’s who I’m reaching for. “Did it.” Still doing it. That’s basically it. Luckily, there are many many people out there who have. No conversation necessary. No need to bother these people with phone calls. I only seek to make these people laugh. That’s basically it. On some TV program…my intentions are clear and pure.
Anyway, I’m trying to move out of the idea that one has to contract once when they experience expansion. Luckily, this manifestation workshop has supported me on this journey. I’m expanding my capacity to receive. With a name like Dr. J — how could I not go far? It’s impossible not to. I’m joking around, but it helps, really, in having fun and imagining the possibilities. I do believe, and I choose to, in the possibilities of the comic dimension. I keep reaching and expanding internally to be able to become who I want to become. I appreciated that reflection. It’s true.
You have to become who you want to become.
I woke up this morning feeling a bit of a contraction after I sent in this synopsis. I thought, well, it’s not exactly what he asked for, maybe I was wrong, maybe I can — instead— download Song’s screenplay and read how she begins her film at some restaurant with a conversation, it’s not an action-packed moment, and she is up for an award. I have to read more scripts. I got thrown around a bit, just a bit, but I can navigate — the spaceship that turns sideways so it’s skinnier — through that tight space. OUT. Seeing the lasers — trying to bring me down of my own making — NO.
Every day this week, during this manifestation workshop, I have to stretch, keep stretching, as if I were doing yoga every morning. I have to trust myself, I don’t give a shit about what is NORMAL or HUMAN, in a sense, keep stretching. Look man, what is NORMAL and HUMAN, as someone who ended up in this Miracle Mile situation at FOUR and consequently learned things about what is NORMAL and human, I thought about that this morning. Technically, child molestation is normal, you see, 1 out of 5 girls, 1 out of 9 boys. So, no, I choose to align myself differently. That question of what is human and normal can sometimes feel funky in itself.
I don’t know what to say about people who struggle with confidence and themselves who manifest large visions. I’m sure on some level that’s what they want.
In the case of Barbara Harris, I imagine it’s the same. In that, she wanted to express herself, wanted to get there, on some level. But then, she might have not wanted that, I don’t know, or that was complicated. I myself am moving past all sorts of complicated beliefs, and she believed in me. She hardly knew me. That validation wasn’t small. Just cause she did it. I appreciated that. I mean, it goes to show, that you gotta believe in yourself on some level. And then, I don’t know what makes her characterizations affecting, relatable, in that, she could play characters that don’t know what they're capable of…almost supernatural transformations.
Nothing is happening in Portici, you see. I’ll go for a walk. I gotta check out these abandoned palazzos on the beach. I have to start working on my Bibles, maybe, are at least start that process, so I get to read Stranger Things, and I’ll keep getting out of my own way to produce something that’s going to get me to the next step. That’s the vision. The next step. I have more to gain in believing I have already achieved that step. In the field of probability, it already exists. I’ll keep existing there.
I don’t always understand the feeling that something wants to bring me down, you see, that people don’t actually want me to get there, that’s what I don’t understand sometimes. Only because I had to unlearn so much. I had to clear voices from my head that presented themselves as authorities in some capacity. That’s taken a fair amount of work to clear, people who want to possess my wisdom, success, in a way. Like, someone telling me that my PSYCHINESS, for real, is the reason why I cannot MANIFEST. Can you imagine? Not true. I have difficulty manifesting because I am so psychic—ridiculous and dangerous as a suggestion. Like I needed more problems.
I have the power of CHOICE. That’s a good one to be in touch with. Meaning what YOU choose to believe — I do not have to exist there. So I had to separate. I had to let go, break up, and permanently separate, meaning it’s over, you are not welcome anymore. I do not have to fix this relationship. I do not have to assume blame. I can just leave. And never speak to you again…these beliefs. That my psychic abilities prevent me from achieving in the real world.
Goals are good. I suggest having those. Let someone else — when goals are achieved — tell you to give that a little slack, you know? Not before. Matt Damon, I do not hear this man going no no no I cannot make a trillion dollars from Avatar, though he couldn’t do it, I do not HEAR Matt Damon saying he cannot make MORE money or achieve greater things… Cameron, it seems, he wanted to work with this man. And guess what? So do I. So, in terms of what is possible, you can make more money than you ever thought possible, conceptually. Some offer can be made. Me? My manifestations currently are down here in comparison to Matt Damon. So I believe it’s possible to achieve them. This is the man, the focus: Matt Damon. He doesn’t give a crap, has nothing but the best feelings to impart to anybody wanting to achieve anything. I do not threaten this man with my presence. Same goes with Dave Chappelle. He won like five Grammys. So when it comes to people who have manifested real wealth and abundance and success in their lives — go ahead, they say, in the collective. Celebrities are safe for this reason. Tom Cruise has achieved, he knows, so me getting a book deal, a movie deal, thumbs up. You know? There’s no problem, no impossibility routine. He made a career, also, by achieving Mission Impossible conceptually. He is Mission Impossible.
So this is cleansing and clearing —
I’m laughing.
Sometimes, I just need to keep certain people in mind—Tina Turner, even. She’s really been such a radiant symbol. I even looked up actors who made it later in life…this sort of thing…and I’ve found it to be true, that the real effort as of late is becoming who I want to become. Adopting a new belief system. Re-programing myself. And the thing is, I welcome help, like concrete help, like that Turkish producer. That’s the help that I want.
If one can imagine, personally, the situation on Miracle Mile that I was in made the field of help complicated. The Oldest Storyteller as a story will be grand because of it, just going through the architecture of my life as a field of ideas, why did I hang out with this person, why did I have a system that reflected these fears that I had, well, I took on so much, I took on the — not a compliment — role of someone “crazy” even because I simply disliked them: my parents. No offense. I had plenty of friends who did not treat me in that way, do you know what I mean? Now, I’m clear, if this isn’t someone to get close to, it doesn’t even mean I can’t enjoy them, but I’m a bit more aware— ah, maybe not my person, the idea that I get along with everyone, true, but I don’t have to. I’m listening. I’m clear.
Like why this Brazilian mother didn’t show my father the amount of vitriol that she showed me, truly, I do not know. That was complicated. That story produced — a wealth of opportunities to think about what is normal and human. Like, for example, the Brazilian mother told me at the tennis club that I was jealous of this disgusting display my mother put on, of her daughter being totally horrified, because normally, a daughter desires her parents’ attention and maybe jealousy — terrifying to me at four — is normal with small kids and their parents. That’s my mommy, daddy, but in my case, I’m graining away due to what’s really happening. That sort of normalizing atrocious behavior might also be normal in these circumstances. Freaked me out. There are many many roads in fact as we can see in the physical world. So “what is normal and human” turns out to be complex.
My perspective, my way of being could bring in complications because boundaries were a primary problem. I trusted everyone and no one, and I loved learning from most people, I loved uplifting people and supporting them, because I didn’t need to be the lead, I hated ultimate frameworks as an idea, everyone KNOWS, so I’ll take the other way, but someone might not know even if they act like they do. My “I don’t know” approach, in other words, could bring me big egos. So now, I will assume the big ego. In a way. It’s just to shift the paradigm. I know, you see, I ain’t acting like I don’t know a thing or two. I’m getting in touch with my power which helps the expansion.
Someone might not be totally right, I might not be totally wrong, and now, I’d like my relationships to align more around that concept. Not to make it adversarial, but Obama is right, it’s an adversarial system, at least, the political system. I’ll make room for people who actually want to be in a relationship and and I’ll determine who I would like to be in a relationship with. I just let go of so so much and it feels so wonderful to keep letting it go. To make room. To not be subjected to the whims of others, Oprah said that. If your boundaries aren’t in check, you’ll be a subject of the whims of others, something to that effect. On some fundamental level, I couldn’t trust myself, I couldn’t go — this is what’s going on because if people start getting SNEAKY, which we can, it could crush me, don’t tell me that what I’m seeing isn’t true, and when you come from such delusional people — it can feel so messed up. It’s a big big world.
I couldn’t NOT believe, also, what someone said, I had to take on their perspective, make room for it, which is good, and I won’t give that up, but I have one, basically.
So anyway, that’s it today. I felt like “I know” to be a big problem, and it’s funny in which direction that mindset can be directed: I know how it works. I know who you are. I know…so I’m directing “I know” toward manifesting my dreams. I know I can. I’m even just discovering what those dreams are. Oprah also said, you have to know what you want. Sophia Loren said it.
But then, there are so many stories. Loren was discovered, too, at a beauty pageant I think, and people stumble into their professions, in a sense, or they show up somewhere and that’s the start — so I can’t make blanket statements about how things are done or produce themselves…but, for me, I’m starting to have clearer and clearer visions as to what I’d like to manifest and it took work to get here. Just here.
Okay, time to write a Bible, you know, and get to the next step.
Keep believing, stretching, and I hope to see you there. In your own space. Not trying to latch onto mine.