Alright, I can't do it

I woke up this morning, at 8:30, because it doesn’t matter when I go to bed, I’m going to wake up always around this time. I can’t help that. So, I tried working at a bar for a couple of days, and I just can’t do it. I love them, I love the bar, but I’m feeling pretty wrecked this morning, and their other location is much easier on me. I can’t work until 4 AM. I don’t want to be around alcohol, I can’t totally take the high energy, my nerves. I feel exhausted today and I have to work this evening. I have an audition tomorrow too. I don’t know what to say, but that’s a no, and I wish I listened to my body actually because I had such a strong reaction — like, no. But I tried it, I told myself to be a little open here, and I came out of the test run extremely clear about it. It’s a no. It’s going to take a second to figure out my life, for sure, not to say that “things can’t click magically” — remembering the stupid guru, like my mindset is driving everything and everything, but I don’t have a problem with that, however that thinking made me feel utterly crazy, and it was NOT my problem. I truly hate the guru, I do, I still do — I want to take a bat and smash his windows. I couldn’t even believe how that man treated me. I don’t give a shit, not in his case.

And look, right now, I have to take care of myself, so I have to keep finding better jobs, so I don’t have any real loyalty right now to anyone, especially when it comes to restaurants. I don’t actually want to be here, personally, working in a restaurant, but I have to, right now, and in the spirit of making as much money as I can, I need to work somewhere that’s going to allow me to get a full-time job. I’m going to have to make as much money as I can, it doesn’t matter if MILLIONS of dollars can fall from the sky, normally, all that takes some time. Julia Roberts made, 50k? On Mystic Pizza? I hated this guru, he was the worst thing that ever happened to me. And let him now become the BEST, I don’t know why. That’s how I’m supposed to approach adverse experiences. It’s not the EASIEST, necessarily, making a bunch of money? If you really think about it. And this man who invested my money in crypto, he utterly failed. He made me nothing. In fact, I don’t even know why he did what he did, like investing my money in the way he did was stupid. I get my stupid ex got lucky, and he made an extra 200k which to me, that’s a lot of money. If I had 200k right now in the bank, I would be feeling much better about myself. I have nothing. I’m not 20, either, I’m 40. I made absolutely stupid decisions, and the people I got involved with got their panties, yeah, the guru, he most certainly got his panties in a twist over a stupid childhood, which only makes him look — retarded. I was NOT “that person.”

Degrading. Sure I was Lady Gaga, I don’t understand this man, I was capable of making it, he wanted to jack off, basically. That wasn’t my problem. He only made my life worse. He didn’t bring me anything positive, nothing.

Anyway, another rant about that jerk. I’m going to have to borrow a bit of money this week, just to get through the end of the month, I think, I’ll see tomorrow when I get paid, but I’m a little nervous with the auditions I had to pay for. For the moment, maybe something else will pop up, that I’ll feel it necessary to jump into, but I think I’m going to take a step back and get into a rehearsal room and work the material for my open mics, think about a show, and catch up on this “get an agent” class, as I have to get scenes together, tape myself, and research who would be a good agent for me. But more so than anything else, I have to figure out my finances, fast. I don’t want to work for peanuts, and that’s what I make, as a writer. I don’t feel like I have a beat, and no, who gives a shit about my family? I don’t even care to talk about my journey — I mean my relationship with that guru was — horrific. It was 100% terrible. Why would I want to spend time with that man? He wasn’t exactly warm, he wasn’t exactly talkative, and I don’t trust him, I do not trust that man, at all. He was a superior, deranged, yeah, man. If he thinks that was a nice move he made, he’s not in tune with reality, at all, and he should stop meditating so much. It’s not helping.

Anyway, I wonder what his reputation is. I wonder how people feel about him.

So I lost everything. I lost my money. Over time, too, that was so stupid. I have no idea why these people encouraged me to spend that money AT ALL. These money hungry plant people, these psychedelic people, they were so money hungry, sure, they gave discounts, even let people do it for free, but again, if I was the “poorest one” there, why was I there? And why was I always paying? I absolutely hate these people. I think they’re full of shit. I don’t even care about writing that much, to be frank, and okay, so I could be famous? That’s the feedback I got, vaguely speaking? Okay, that was stupid and unnecessary. I keep working on books, on a book, but I don’t find this exercise straight forward, at all, so I wish that people would shut the fuck up, and not project all over a person the second they appear. WHO wants to be treated like that? I’ll keep figuring that out, and I don’t even think that my mindset is bad, poor, I was shocked — I still am — that my life unfolded like it did.

And if it turns out to be true about my parents, I don’t even know how to remotely talk about that, and these men were totally idiots again, as they didn’t even HEAR what I was saying. Putting that story “out there,” stupid guru, caused me more problems than it was worth. I’ve been trying to use social media, and I’ll continue to, I don’t know, see how it might help me? But the guru telling me to get on social media — I hate this man. Even when I got out of the hospital, that man, it seemed, ONLY wanted to mess with my life. Why would you tell someone who just got out of the hospital, after spending months mentoring this person to the point of death, quite frankly, to get on social media, now. Why would you encourage that person to travel? I’m telling you, that man was mentally ill. Like sometimes, I get — I don’t know how this man could have taken advantage of me, sexually, except we had a drink, typically, after our meals. I just went through so much, and when you’re already wondering if your own parents took advantage of you, who’s someone else?

I was not ASKING for his career advice, and no one should take it.

So I had to go through a fair amount of heartache and pain. WHY? You know? I look around, and I think, there are very attractive people out there in the world, very successful, so I don’t understand why these men felt like what THEY did was going to help me at all or I’m just astounded at these gross men. Why me? Because I came from a background and I was too nice? If you have a problem with my personality, that’s not my problem. I’m just sad, these days, because I have to admit, I feel at a loss — I don’t want to write, exactly, though I’m working on writing, I don’t want it to be my job, and I haven’t built anything. That was hard to realize. All the same, I was trying to think last night, at the bar, with music blasting, what do I want to do? What I can do writing wise. What I can do work wise that has any kind of mobility, any kind of growth potential. No offense, but I will be fifty in ten years. I don’t want to be poor, I am poor — now. I wasn’t POOR ten years ago, my ex was such an asshole. Nothing but — people wanting to strip me of my power, nothing. I mean, just the stupidest decade. Not fun at all. What a retard, this guru, “spend your IRA money” to complete a book? What kind of lunacy? Money is pretty real, isn’t it? If it weren’t, why would the GURU keep such a strong hold on it? Why not just spend it? If it’s so easy to make? He’s not acting like that. So why did he act that way with me?

I couldn’t believe these older friends of mine — they were stupid. There was literally no point in spending the money I had. I feel so stupid, it’s hard, sometimes, it really is, I feel so dumb. Now I have to figure out how I’m going to make money, for real. I look at my friends, too, the people I chose to be friends with, and they just look pretty stupid to me, I’m sorry to say that, where my friend has no money at 40, too, and her parents still support her, and I’m just shocked, not everyone is interested in money, I understand, but when I think about my friends, some of them, I go, “yeah I’m not that big of a fan.” One of my friends has done really well for himself, so. I still can, I know that, I know I can make money, I just don’t know how. I’m going to try a couple of avenues, I’ll work on a digital product, right now, I’m thinking “how to write a memoir” mostly just learning from my own mistakes. “Do not take the book out of your head,” this was soooooooo stupid. STUPID. Just read. “A book is a psychological object,” this Hollywood guru was deranged. I don’t know how he writes his scripts. I just look back and go, why are you so obsessed with manifesting? Bending reality? I just don’t understand it. It was a bit too much there, like it’s time to stop playing Zelda. I’m going to see if I can make money online, somehow, and I think I’m going to prioritize that, over books, or my creative projects right now as that’s, I don’t know, that didn’t help that much, I mean I’m still working on them, but I do not want to be broke, I do not want to work in a restaurant, I do not want to be here. I don’t have a family of my own, like who gives a shit, I don’t have kids, and I have no money, like no money, so my life feels pretty much like failure right now. This is NOT how I wanted to feel. And when I look back on some of these relationships, I only want to hug myself, that’s it, like I’m so sorry, because I got involved with weirdos, truly, true weirdos.

So I gotta make money, I gotta prioritize money, and I have to keep figuring out how I’m going to turn this decade around, but for the moment, I do not want to work in that bar, that was a no. I thought if it was a real club, or something, somewhere where I could make real money, that would be a different story. I got a job offer to be a financial advisor, hilariously enough, and I decided not to go through this training, and commit, because I needed to evaluate how I wanted to move forward, and they would pay for my certification process, it’s a career change, most definitely, but they all seemed so so nice. Nice people, talkative, warm. Their door is always open, they said, and now I’m wondering if I should take the interview and see how I feel. I get sad, though, because I didn’t want to live my life like this. I had a lot to offer, I felt, actually, now I don’t know. I just mean, I don’t know what to do. I’m still kinda shocked at how I feel, generally.

I need a day job, even, because I have to network, I have to meet people, I need to go out, more, actually, I think. I have to figure out — I don’t want to settle, I don’t want my life to feel that way, and so, I’m trying to just keep moving. I’m almost 40. If I simply didn’t touch the money I had, I could have bought a house, at all, even one to flip, I probably could have done that way back there. It’s like, who cares about supporting a writing career like that? I wish I had had a different attitude towards that money, and I’m still grieving it, because I feel so terrible, I really do, I feel so terrible, so I’m going to try my best to figure out my finances.

So I’m done today, I’m trying not to do this too much, but I have to figure out what I’m doing, and I gotta look for jobs, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even have a house. And so I totally failed, I really did, and I got involved with destructive forces, and it’s hard for me to accept, basically. I have to get a coffee and go for a walk, actually, and try not to get too sad. I need to keep carving a way, I have to keep trying to think smart, as a smart person, how do I flip this situation? To my advantage. In a sense, I feel that potential, like, something could switch, actually, and I might be able to find myself where I’d like to be. Maybe I should think that way, and see what might come up. Like, my EPIC piece, that makes sense, as I’d theoretically like to go into film, you know? Things to think about.

Tossing and turning this evening

It’s hard for me to go to sleep this evening after that first shift. I’m up, I’m drinking hot milk, I don’t want to be here. I actually wish I just said no, I don’t want to work at this location. I would rather stay in the original spot I was working. All that to say, I’m figuring out life right now, as the panelist suggested that we do, first, before anything else. Figure out what’s going to support your efforts. I hate everyone, right now, not the people I work for, not at all, but the people I got involved with. But it’s temporary. That I know. I established. I made that super clear. I’m just filling in until he finds a permanent replacement. And I just have to keep moving fast. I need to calm down and go to sleep. It was so unnecessary — I think back on these men I ended up spending time with, and I just do not understand it. I suppose it looked shiny, in some capacity, like these men thought THEY could teach ME a thing or two? Absurd. I got caught up in power plays — stupid ones. So I’m having a rough evening, tonight, but I’m going to wake up and apply for some new jobs — just to keep the momentum moving forward — I hate this screenwriter I met with a passion. A total lunatic. Not safe. That was not a safe man. Anyway, I wish I had something I could take to help me sleep. I have to sleep so I can close tomorrow. I really don’t want to. So, again, I’ll plough through, I’ll keep looking, I’ll keep trying to think about this moment, this moment in my journey as a bridge, I’m getting some assistance from the universe, in stirring me up, I don’t want to be here, I need to change my priorities momentarily. I need to find another job. So that’s it, let me rest a while. I just need to find another job. I hate anxiety, it’s just, the other job is so much calmer. I can’t do this. I wish I had someone right now, a boyfriend, I just hate this past decade, I keep saying that, and everyone I met. Even today, my friend Jo and I both expressed how much we hate my ex, like, the psychedelic thing, why? Why did I have to go down that road? We both hate that guy. I hate that guy. It’s momentary. And worse comes to worse, I say, look, I tried it, and I really don’t like it, what can I do? I’m just being honest, because, you know, I’m so positive, and I reached out about working there again, and the other place is much calmer and much more my speed. However, it’s temporary, I keep repeating, I just hope that I will make more money there, if I’m going to stay up later, and work a machine. I’m going to try and go to bed now. There’s a happy ending, version, I know, of this story. Mine. There is a happy ending, and that’s what I seek the most. I did not deserve these men. I did not deserve these people. Users. After this tight weekend, I’m going to prioritize my basics, which I am, but I need to prioritze whatever’s going to make me money. Real money. The guru was the worst thing that ever happened to me. These older men who came into my life the past decade, I just didn’t any of them.

I just need to keep taking deep deep breaths, because I have no idea how I got here. And I’m going to stick to my plan, because in the end, in reflecting back on it, I need to be in my own space a minute. I didn’t need to walk for hours and then work for hours on my feet. Thinking back to my friend. I just didn’t need that. I need to look forward, and keep figuring out this immediate moment. So off to try and calm down and sleep. I want to fall in love, I really do. I didn’t want men who wanted to help me, what woman would?

First shift

Alright, I just completed another shift at another restaurant bar as the restaurant I work for in a part of a small group in New York. They’re a group that’s under the radar, though they are known in their industry. But they thought, my bosses, that if I split my time between these two locations, I would make more money that way, and for the moment, who cares? I’m in need of it, and they genuinely like me and respect me, and the second location would be temporary. That’s the way I want to keep it. So I laid down a boundary around it, and so, I’ll only be there short term. It’s just until they find a more permanent replacement, as someone unexpectedly left, and people typically work with this company for years, which reflects positively on them, so an opening suddenly opened before I even started at this other restaurant, you see, and with that location, I thought, “no,” I’m going to keep that at bay, actually, so I might be there a couple of weeks, a month, but I imagine they’ll cover their bases quickly, and I’m extremely transparent, I can’t even help it, I’m so honest, and tonight, I wondered, I need to take a breath, I’m a touch too honest. I don’t need to prepare and plan, and consider the other, strangely, lol, I realized. My boss, a very attractive guy, sort of otherworldly looking, actually, like he could appear in a fantasy flick, he’s sort of unmoveable, not sensitive at all, so his chill groundness stirred me up a little, as there’s no problem with that guy, zero, that guy has zero problems, and that’s a little goal, right there. This guy. So the spot is just a touch too intense, I prefer the other location, and I have to be able to keep my objectives in mind. I don’t want to get roped in, essentially. I have to get out of the situation I’m in, not stay, I have to keep moving. And that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m going to keep looking for jobs, too, even other restaurant jobs, not because I don’t like them, but if I have to do it, I have to keep my horizons open for places where I could make more money, even. I don’t know what that means, but I want to make real money. So I’m going to have to — build. And that happens over time, which is the piece of advice I had received through all the spiritual bullshit I heard. We build over time. Doesn’t matter, how much you make. And I was blown away, just blown away by these so-called geniuses and their so-called wisdom. Like if all you have to say about me is that, I’m psychic, like this is what I amounted to, no offense, but I thought — wow, of all the…

It’s hard to explain. As a psychic, supposedly, one of the most psychic people on Planet Earth, this is what these people, MEN, told me, you’re afforded one life. That’s it. There’s wisdom there, even from the perspective of the soul, meaning, you’re in it for the long-run, you’re going on a journey, but you have one. And to me, your life is s series of choices, so just remember, you’re making them. It doesn’t have to be that way, most of the time, no one is making you do anything, so take caution, as to who you let in, especially if you come from a complicated debut, because, if my experience taught me anything, it’s that, you might not even get it, what it is you’re doing, not at all, like your whole life id designed to hold you back, your whole life is not good enough, literally. The relationships you’re choosing aren’t helping you.

t can’t change where I am, but I can move fast, that’s what I keep telling myself. I walked down 8th Avenue in the West Village, I felt like I was a smart person, and there are a lot of people out there who aren’t, smart, and I really wasn’t, not in my opinion, smart, and I still struggle with anger, because I met false wisemen, truly, just people with problems, even if they had money or whatever, other people have money out there… who aren’t interested in “mentoring” me or whatever this strange shadow was… why? I’m special? Look, I haven’t done anything yet, and are you attracted to me? Then why are you treating like this? So what was this? I didn’t understand these men. You believed I was a genius artist? Why not just say that? Make a phone call. Why was he giving me drugs? I mean, why was I doing psychedelics with him? Like I didn’t, um, I’m not this person. I’m not going to do drugs with you. I’ll meet you for tea. And I’M actually AWARE that drugs affect you, beyond when you take them, so it was obvious that it wasn’t working for me. Again, I got the picture, they had STRONG feelings about me, and I don’t know what to say about that because that’s the weirdest response. It’s like the guy who whipped out his dick at me on Instagram messenger when I asked about a sublet, like, why can’t a guy just ask me out on a date, something normal?

So I feel like I’m still unprogramming myself a little bit, where I can’t quite trust anyone or anything, and I don’t really want to be here, at this time of my life, so I have to keep moving. I have to overwork a moment to recuperate financially. Sure, everything’s going to work out, I can bend reality, with my mind, but I hated these men, I really did. I was angry at myself, I really was, I still am — angry at myself. I don’t care about accolades, in a sense, I’m not Dr. J. And yet this women haunted me, sometimes, in men, too, these men — these crazy dudes. Get over yourself. That was the major note, the major piece of feedback I’m giving back to these men…. these older men…. and it wasn’t even sexual. Why am I here? Truly speaking. Like sure, my childhood was crazy, but relax. Relax, generally.

So I’m taking a deep breath, because I need money, it’s immediate, and I need to spend a month landing, making money somewhere, and keep looking for work, keeping hustling, there’s nothing I can do about where I’m at, and I’ll probably be saying that for a moment, because I have to build, I have to expand my mind, obviously, I have to keep reaching, that’s a basic point. I’m a structuralist, I see how as an architecture, it’s not a design, it’s physical, and I believe in responses, I do, like you keep building, and magic can happen, in a sense, but action is what makes that happen, thought, yes, I think your thoughs play into your sense of focus, how you’re moving through the world, what you notice. I have to keep going, I have to finish the work I’m writing, and I think the chapter I posted from Xmas in Naples is a Sport is good, that was closer to my vision for it.

So I feel as though I’m moving along, and yes, anything can happen, sure, theoretically, a job could burst into existence, that’s just a strange way to live, but I’m holding a space for that too, I’m trying to think creatively as to how I can make real money, but that’s the basic goal. I don’t know how else to put that. So think about that. Because, if you’re around people who want you to deplete your resources — beware. These people might not be so aware, as they think they are. I met false wisemen. The wisemen I met did not aide me, this was a false chapter, I don’t even know HOW I ended up there, to be frank. I was not an aesthetic person, exactly, it’s hard to describe, in the higher realm of thinking, the psychedelic group I was in, that was a strange detour. WHY are you even letting me do this? It was strange.

I keep moving forward. For the moment, I’m going to finish this EPIC piece, because I’d love to get into film, and I’m going to get back into performing step by step. I have to get basically settled, I have to keep myself on my toes, so I have three auditions coming up, and I have to jump in, not hesitate, not be totally prepared, even, but next step is — signing up for an acting class so I can work a little bit, and I’ll be in a rehearsal space, speaking out loud, working on material, just shifting focus a moment, taking a second to consider what I’ve learned and work on material, prioritize that, and continue putting myself out there as much as I can.

Keep myself on my toes. Keep getting OUT of the situation I’m in. Don’t stay. Just keep my focus beyond this step. It’s a plateau, if that makes sense, a point of stability, which was something I needed, and it wasn’t that hard, it was even essential, to FIND stability. It wasn’t that hard. You are where you are, but you don’t have to stay there, so I feel like I’m in the place I wish I was when I was young. It helps to write during this time, to digest my experiences as I’m seeking to make big changes in my life, so I can continue to navigate and negotiate what it is that I have to do, and what it is I want to do, how I want my life to look, so I don’t get too comfortable. So hopefully this other job will speed my efforts up, like I have to priortize finding the job I want, another kind of plateau, so my night work becomes something else. I need to make extra money, I need to save money. I can’t change that I wasn’t POOR, do you understand? Again, the choices i made over the past fifteen years, I just, found these wisemen I met to be stupid, they weren’t that invested in me, no one is, though they put on a show, hard to explain, I didn’t need their guidance, I needed something else entirely. Basic.

So I saw my friend, feel great about it

I saw my friend, and it went really well, I expressed that I was angry, actually. I didn’t exactly put it on her either, only that this time has been particularly difficult in bridging real gaps, which we did. I felt she never — at Riverside — ever reached out to me as a friend, and that I was trying to allow change to happen, positive. She felt like I’ve never been in town, that she actually has, and what are you supposed to do? She understands, at least, that a relationship goes two ways. She needed to talk about her relationship, which she did, and she wanted to connect with me — and we did. She even apologized if she failed me in some capacity back there, which was touching, though that language, but no one I know considers me like that, if that makes sense, so I appreciated it. So we reunited, reconnected, and I think it meant a lot to the both of us, and look, I don’t know what to say, because if that’s true in some capacity, like, no, I don’t want to always talk. And it’s been frustrating with a couple of friends, and listening to her girlfriend’s side, as a Black woman, I could nod and sort of understand actually, in that, what I’m saying isn’t being understood even if IT’S IMPLIED, but of course, she was on the phone with her ALL DAY, and I had to laugh. But she and her girlfriend got to more solid ground, so I was happy to hear that, but they’re finding their footing too, and she wants to see me more consistently, and I really wanted to as well, even if I gotta keep finding my basic set up. I just felt good abou it, I felt good even that she pushed me into presence, it’s fine, actually. As she was saying, she believes in dynamics, which sometimes her girlfriend has trouble with, because there’s you and me, too, so I had to admit that some of my edginess is me, for sure, but feeling like someone isn’t HEARING what I’m saying, around the reality of what I am processing, was a bit of a headtrip. So, that’s fine. It felt really good to see her, actually, and I need to feel like I have a real friend, you know?

All’s well.

We’ll keep rebuilding, and it feels really fortifying to see the potential for growth and even a deeper intimacy between us, as friends, so that’s a solid response from the universe, or structurally, in that, my relationship circle has felt out of whack, and I landed with someone solid. I said, like, I hate that I’m leaning into the sex scandal, as I’m pretty clear as to what that was, now, but what am I supposed to do? It’s not easy putting myself out there in that way when I feel like I’ve only been shut down. But I’ve had to accept that it’s just not easy for people to respond to… so our relationship is very equal, in a sense, where we both exist, and there isn’t any hierarachy of needs or problem with the two of us being there, if that makes sense. I’m fine admitting that, I’m having a tough moment reconnecting, because no one treated me like I went through something real — like I’m going to a physician, and I’m just trying to make sure I’m alright, and I’m angry at Bellevue, because I’m reading that there’s overlap between psychosis and repressed trauma, and if they actually EVALUATED me like DOCTORS would, they could have come to SOME diagnosis, shit like this. It was maddening. People acting like I went through some court dance, routine, in some novel, it was maddening. She says, she feels like she tried, so I have to make room for that, but I was defensive, but I mean, “what DID you go through?” No one knows. People acted like they KNEW when the hospital didn’t even ASK me anything. Maddening. And I feel so different and CLEAR as a person and I don’t know what that means. My friend is on medication, I’m not. She feels a lot better, as she’s needed mental health support, whereas I needed to get to an OPEN MIC. That was — the 80s high tech Star Wars buttons lighting up — recaliberating.

I needed some response from my friend circle. Some recognition. Someone who I could truly talk to, who I could be there for, too, as — WHO wants to be the ONLY one there? I do not understand these people. WHO wants to be ALONE in their relationships?! So — I feel really happy, I felt so happy about my audition, and I keep wanting to be happier. Now, I need to meet someone, romantically, I gotta keep settling, stabilizing, structurally, it’s not exactly mental, it’s structural, so I can put down another block. That’s basically where I’m at, but I’ve been prickly, sure, I’ve been smoothing out some of these meeting points. I need to leave and get to work, and I have to keep going. It’s just looking back, I don’t even know who that was, you understand, who that person was, so it’s a little strange for me sometimes, so I’m still adjusting, trying to lean into my hottness as my inner Scorpio is supporting me in doing right now… I’m trying to get out of a messy mode, and trying to embrace where I am now. Happy—real friends, and to mention Obama again, on the psycho spiritual plane, you have to be open to things getting better, right? In terms of relationships, that you start to change, you change your operation a little, and it might actually change your life, it’s more being able to allow for people to show up for you, change, and sometimes these naturally happen… which is what you want, in most cases. Calling my mother a bitch, I fucking told JO — I sent this bitch SUBJECT ONLY EMAILS to hopefully yeah— PUNCH HER IN THE FACE — was that true bitch?! You know? The world wants to see a mother daughter SHOWDOWN. This I know — this bitch wrapping me up in a sex scandal.

Regardless, I went through a break down — SWAPPING AWAY THE TALK OF AWAKENINGS BELONGING CARL JUNG’S THE RED BOOK. Even if I woke up to trauma in some capacity, even if I was waking up, I went through a structural collapse, my whole world came tumbling down, but if YOU LOOK BACK, which I did, that happened OVER TIME. And she’s doing well, she seems very solid and present in her relationship, she feels as if she’s grown up, quite a bit, and she’s contending with embracing her adulthood, basically. There you go.

Got out of my first audition like ever

I took a deep breath, looking myself in the mirror at 39. Just like that, all that past — terminated. And here I am, in the field of possibilities. This was my dream. I decided it wasn’t and my cousins felt like it was, and they were so angry and disturbed that I didn’t pursue acting, but I lost the thread between me and other people — because people really projected on me, someone who thought that no one could, would.

This was my little dream. I mean, in the waiting room of One on One, GIGGINO fired, “who gives a shit about writing?” He made fast little keys, “what the fuck is this going to DO FOR ME??” He fired. Day ONE. My cousin in Naples — he was so confused by me. “You’re a goddamn singer!” He doesn’t curse, but he’s so forceful, it sort of feels like that. What can I do? I’m older now but that doesn’t mean I can’t succeed in some capacity, Oprah would never tell me it’s impossible… a fairy godmother.

So I chose a monologue, one that was raw and angry because that’s what I feel right now, and I so appreciated hearing Reese Witherspoon’s words of her abusive relationship because holy shit I felt like I had to work out my mind, really, from the past decade and the bizarre relationships I got into — no. No Maria. And there’s no turning back, not in the mirror.

I wore a bright acid green suede coat. I had thought it’s too loud, it’s just too distracting, so I let that be. I got a rehearsal room at National Opera — even, so appropriate, as my mother was a fan, if you would, and a member of the genre: a walking buffoon opera. And so, must I rise, to meet her, who was larger than life. That was my mother, Joy. As I exploded, I wanted to do something BIG, and a little voice inside of me said, pay attention. Pay attention to what happens today…

Sure, there are no limitations to the self, rolling my eyes at the stupid GURU, this Hollywood screenwriter, but it was the first time I was auditioning, like, ever.

I never gave myself a chance, and by God I didn’t want to regret my life so I’m deciding to give it a real go — I’m older so I had to peace make with that— eyes out the window of the opera rehearsal studio — and JO, my friend, and wants to talk, now, the first time in the history of our friendship, she needs a friend and she’s reaching out to me…when I explicitly stated that I had no interest. Not now. How do I put this? I’m saying that I don’t know if I was abused, meaning I went through a lot in that area or my body and you don’t get it. So im pissed. Because all YOU had to text was: I need a friend…and that second, that day, I called you. The next day, tomorrow, as I write this post my first audition, I have a coffee date with you, okay???? I say, I don’t know if I was abused — that’s how I would have responded to my friend REGARDLESS. Been there. Not acted like she didn’t SAY that, you see, this friend of mine like all my friends acted as if I didn’t say that.

So I’m negotiating new territory, as I’m not the same, though I’m built to assume blame, and people are tricky, so — it’s a sign of a change, in any case, but I’m pretty annoyed. I have literally no interest in hanging out, chatting, nothing, I work every day this week practically at a stupid restaurant, and I don’t want to hear Instagram advice, I want to — put up my HOOD — and just — get through this moment.

Meanwhile, a sexual trauma specialist told me, “yeah, maybe something did happen…” based on what I am saying. Meanwhile, my physician is wants to do an ultrasound to make sure I don’t have cysts, fibroids, so regardless I went through a lot in that area of my body, and YOU don’t GET IT. I’m so angry at this person. I’m angry in general. But she said she needed a friend… so I’m here. This isn’t about me.

Anyway, I looked out this window still wanting to shake off anything and everything that makes me feel small and unreal, if you catch my drift. But I’m supposed to deal with the BETWEEN, “reality happens BETWEEN US,” so I’m moving through this next chapter of my life with caution, and here’s the thing, I’m not interested in being easy necessarily, smoothing out my edges, I’m seeking to be — me. So we’ll see how that goes today, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, I shut down. Am I supposed to express my feelings? Am I supposed to smile, nod, and just — move on?

I exploded in this text, no? That’s why I picked it, a woman who’s blowing up at her father for getting ANGRY at her because she wants to use a SURROGATE to be able to have a child… because she can’t have a child, and he’s giving HER grief about it?

Style is everything isn’t it? HOW are you doing it, and look, it’s a craft and art, and I literally recited the first monologue I ever have in 20 years??? How did that happen? I knew that I was just cracking open a shell. But I signed up for a panel of NY theater maker at One on One, which feels clinical, I have to say, but I don’t know anyone, and if you don’t want to be in the room with giants, you’ll never get there. You gotta want to get into that room. And I do. I knew it wasn’t going to be the best work I ever did in my life, but shoot that arrow high. Make a reach. So I paid for this audition with One on One — and there I was. In the room, I would say, “again,” except I hardly even GOT into a ROOM, ever.

And what can I say? Deer in headlights. It’s just the way it goes with me. For the moment, I have to go through the freeze, but just like the open mics, after that, it only gets easier. It’s the attitude to have. I’m so happy because I turned to this panel afterward— and they were complimentary. Just be bigger, bolder, listen to all the instincts I had back in the rehearsal room…

It’s fine, I could feel myself shutting down, a little, hard to explain. Now, I don’t have nerves, not how I used to, I need to work through apathy, now, unfortunately, as I came out of a difficult period that made me want to shut down. I picked this monologue because I could express largely.

I’m glad I paid attention, that there was a little voice inside of me that said, just observe, because I went through a confusing psychological experience, so for example, I had to shake off an old friend who ended up not being supportive, he was holding me back. I gave him way too much credit, like he never pursued theater either. I might be mask forward, but I am Italian you understand. But he came around me, his character, telling me how to do it, what to wear, and I went through this day, wondering why? No, my instincts were right. It’s not that he, the real person, was there, but I had to get this person out of my system — I do not care what you think. How great of an actor, direction you think you are. So that person wasn’t actually supportive. But all the same, I heard — good choice in monologue, personality, love your headshot, great choices made, now it’s time to unleash. Got it. My instincts were correct. It wasn’t like they gave me a perfect score, it was the first time I acted in 20 years sort of ever? And I thought maybe next time I will wear the acid green coat because I am the Jokers Daughter —

That’s who I am.

I was supposed to talk to them afterwards, but I had no idea what this was, meaning, they spoke to me, gave me feedback, I just wasn’t expecting it. I have no idea how to sell myself, but I’ll get better at that.

They wondered why I chose the monologue and they appreciated that I was evidently aware that they are theater people, because so many people come in and act like they’re filmmakers — so I was in the space, great body, but again, the note was take it further — and who are you talking to? Where are you? I thought, yes, good point. Great adjustments. Again, I have all these instincts inside of me, they laid dormant. So I will be exactly where I am, who I AM, not a VERSION of myself, as I got caught up in THAT one, and I’ll wear exactly what I’m wearing. Who gives a fucking shit what I’m wearing, in a sense, like this former friend of mine was a bit too tight there, so my style became what I was known for? He’s an enabler.

How clarifying.

I left that audition — thrilled — I took a breath, I can’t get too attached to the first audition I ever did, I ripped off a bandaid, and I’m so glad I did it with theater makers, and a casting director was there, too. Again, if you can’t stand in front of people in the business, then I’m not sure how that’s going to go, right? I laugh. So I got it over with.

I have another audition Friday for NYU GRAD, so it’s only going to get better. The general note: I’m set up well. I got positive feedback as to the CHOICES I was making, even my headshot. Now, I just have to work on the monologue. In fact I wasn’t thinking far enough ahead in advance. I have to work on a monologue — I only spent a few hours on it. So, I learned something. I’m conscious if you would, I’m aware…but I understood that the reader was sitting — but I didn’t have to use him. We could be in a living room, you know? As one of the panelist said, “where are you?” But I wasn’t clear about it. I was fixated on the reader, lol, but essentially keeping that in mind, I need to deliver it to someone specific, he could be sitting in a couch. He could get up… you know what I mean? I could follow him across the room. So I’m going to keep working on it, and I’m going to learn what I need to learn, and I’m going to trust myself completely. I can’t abandon my instincts. It’s just, no offense, after the past decade, trusting myself at all, again, has taken some time.

I don’t know I hope it’s a good sign that I feel so happy - I don’t care about writing, in a sense, you see. Im working on it because I am where I am, and I hope it will all align.

I am having a curious psychological experience — in that my friend, the closest, was in my THOUGHTS, and so he is banishèd, and it’s ANNOYING, truly, at times, like this stupid GURU, like GO AWAY, I’m not THERE yet, as his obsession with the future writing the past — sent me nowhere. I want to tell people to GO AWAY right now because I do not feel like the same person. I need to see a physician, sexual trauma specialist, and everyone’s IDIOTIC understanding of mental health — did not help me TALK, COMMUNICATE that I had a physical experience, DUH.

So I’m needing TIME — I’m starting over, so I’m not in the BEST mood, and who gives a shit? I’ll get THROUGH IT, I don’t need WISDOM, ADVICE, type deal.

Walking through the streets of New York, I walked home, from 27th to 104th street — easy. But as to a show to do, as I’m doing the open mic circuit, mostly out of necessity, in that, I can go to an open mic and just talk to people, so I’m exploring different avenues, but the headspace of theater would be the right place to exist in, in thinking about a show. I like the Joker’s Daughter, I don’t know, as I’m not married to any idea — but the sex scandal on Miracle Mile, I wanted to do something.

Somewhere around the NY Public library, Bryant Park, I thought, this guru’s obsession with the future writing the past, which is already too unstable, as a premise, to be frank, but I suppose I would say, maybe there’s a FUTURE that wants you BACK, looking at HIM, as he didn’t WANT ME, he wanted to ADMIRE himself. And in thinking about some of these people in general, NO, dude, you didn’t WANT ME, you wanted some PROJECTION of me. Be real. This is the brand. And if Dave Chappelle says, “look, sometimes, you can get a little heavy handed…” I’ll listen to HIM, NOT YOU. “BE REAL.” To Dave Chappelle.

So I’m elated, walking the streets of NY, just leaning into my real character —thinking about how to present myself, all that, but for the most part, everyone thought my choice of material was spot on, that I had personality, lots of it, “okay,” one person even said “I was so alive,” which is good, so the potential was there, even if I felt — taking in this note — like the energy lagged, I had to sustain, of course.

I had a great great time, and it’s onto the next audition. I have one for NYU grad on Friday, which I just jumped on, but that audition in front of this panel, was just fantastic. It was good prep. I have to keep driving forward, I can’t help where I am in life, and I was trying to keep Elizabeth Gilbert’s thought in mind to Oprah about how people are addicted to drama. I’m really not. I really am not addicted to drama. I want no drama. I’m just taking a breath, because my life was unnecessarily dramatic, more so because of just the patterns of my past… so I went through this day, like it’s not that big of a deal, money is a sore spot right now, because I feel SO STUPID in front of really rich MEN, people, basically, of the past thirty years —

But — I’ll charge forward, exercising creative thinking, what can I do to make money, and I have to accept where I’m at, which is — I have to work in a restaurant, because the writing jobs I have don’t pay enough, and I’m looking for a day job on top of it, as I just need time to get in a room and rehearse once a week, sign up for auditioning, take OFF, you know what I mean? Set aside an evening a week to write? This guru, I truly.

Before we auditioned for this panel, someone asked them to give their advice as she had just gotten to NYC. The director said, “figure out your life first,” before your career, and a woman said, “build community, volunteer places, get IN with who’s there,” and I was nodding, so annoyed, because I wasn’t ASKING FOR HELP and I was better on my own. That’s the piece of ADVICE to take. I was NOT a trust fund baby. I could slap the guru across the face, out of EVERYONE, that guy — I could slap the VIDEO GAME out of his fucking hands — here I go, anger — and throw a chair. “Neapolitan,” GIGGINO is calling it.

“You don’t want to piss off a Neapolitan, it’s not a good idea,” he’d say, an authoritarian/doctor in a Christmas play, pivoting his torso, shrugging. It’s just the way it is, his sincere brow (Clooney) leading the way. I was pissed, and he would support me in my right of being PISSED — Angela was like, WHY are you hanging out with OLDER MEN, Maria? In her garden. YES, GIGGINO fired, “don’t you have FRIENDS your own age?” He wanted me to GO OUT, actually, with Carmine’s musician friends, empty plates though they may have been, to him, because he was like, you need to TALK TO PEOPLE, SOCIALIZE, hmmmmmmm?????

HMMMMMM????

“WHAT DID YOU SAY?”

“I socialize.”

“OH?”

“DO NOT TELL ME, with a story like this, that you like to socialize! HOW COULD YOU? Just please.” I was an anamoly to him! “How could it be EASY for you to CONNECT WITH PEOPLE?” And to my friends, and he could FEEL THEM IN ME AROUND ME, AND WHY? NO, he disagreed with them already, NO NO NO it’s not EASY for MARIA to socialize, not with a story like this, BE REAL, THIS PERSON is in fact FAR FAR AWAY. He, and my cousins, “si si,” Flora moving about the kitchen with greens, Giggino pointing to her, thank you, staring at me, as he LOVES playing FATHER, wow. “Si si,” Flora would say, “also true.” But in this case, it passed, in her opinion. Okay — I wouldn’t be here today, but sure, I could stick around for a fight, “CHILD MOLESTER,” next?

In any case, I suppose it wasn’t that easy, in a way, now it’s easier, but I’m not interested in interacting as I did in the past, like if someone were to call me MARZIPAN, that would confuse GIGGINO. “Marizpan?” Yeah, no diminuitive cutesy language. So — you know, people change, I integrated something, I guess, so I’m not interested in hanging out with people who make me feel like my DESTINY in life is to MOVE to France, like, I was worth more than that. My DESTINY was to marry a Duke? Looking at this other older man I got involved with — like I am not a character in a fucking novel. And he thinks I WANT to hear from him? Yeah no.

Anyway, I have to get ready to meet my friend, and I’m trying to leave a space — that’s it. First time in the history of our friendship that she ever reached out to me as a friend. I’m hoping it wasn’t a way to make me DO something that I did not want to do, if that makes sense. I have to work later, I don’t feel like getting INTO a discussion, beforehand, about why I’m upset. Anyway, in a couple of months, I’ll be a bit stable, but if YOU, anyone, was talking to a sexual trauma specialist, would YOU want to CHIT CHAT? Is that not understandable? Especially after being SHUT DOWN. And I really shut down, it’s a goddamn SWISS BANK — there is THICK metal, bars, codes, personnel, a gate, a door, another door, guns, you see? SHUT DOWN.