Wow, I could hardly get through this movie — truly. I could hardly get through Legends of the Fall too. I had to get up, when Tristan’s wife was accidently killed. I hated this movie. I squirm, in my seat, I have to look down… and in this case, I felt particularly tense because of the religious storyline. It was, at times, too much. The psychedelic group I was in, was nothing like this, but anything remotely in that vein caused me to almost melt down. I thought about the emotional body, for sure, as I saw a young man with pent up rage, for example, who had to go into a room and unleash. And in the end, he was rinsed, and he spoke calmly about his life, basically. But it’s very contained, normally, it’s just, it’s not my thing. So this movie triggered me, even her prophetic states, this is a state. However, it was gorgeous, full of movement and song, I loved how daring it was, how they showcased a female leader of a known religion, the Shakers. I did not know her story. The shots were practically a painting, the lighting exquisite, and Seyfried did an extraordinary job. One of the actors described her acting as “to the bones,” so she didn’t fall prey to over doing it. I don’t know if one would call that logic over emotion, in the field of acting, but it was one of these movies that can make me uncomfortable because of the time period and the flashes of brutality. But, I made it through it, you guys, I made it through this picture. I had to laugh a couple of times because — it’s just a movie, Maria. I had to slap myself around a little bit, relax. Please. But the state of ectacsy…the being overcome by spirit… I just tried to concentrate on the choreography. I would have loved to have been in the movie. Not watching it. But I really really enjoyed it as a picture. Seyfried was outstanding.
And my running joke now, right? The God of film, to bring in my Neapolitan roots, now sent me to see this picture. Now, we’re upping the ante, we’re getting deep into my wounds here, as people, men, spoke about me as if I could SPEAK to animals at that time, basically, for real. I could download information from other times as well. I was so psychic… I could not really exist normally in the world. I “saw things,” stuff like this. I had some mysterious moments, but there’s something to say about going OUT of the psychic architecture, I don’t know how to describe that, but whipping oneself OUT. Not my thing. The guru, he scared me, the way he changed states and lifted his arm at me as if we were in the movie SPECIES, truly. I felt my nerves spike, my stomach clench, but it wasn’t that bad. My nerves, in places, but I kept breathing. I enjoyed the movie, aesthetically, the music, the art in it. Could hardly get through it though. I deep breathed as Seyfried was so lovely, cool, generous, I enjoyed her presence. She’s my age, 40, she looks fantastic, and I just connected with where I was—40. And then, the beating, I can’t handle that, but what a gorgeous shot in the end, wow, just wow. I was blown away by the locations… they were upstate, Budapest. I thought, at one point, I probably could use my mother to play this devotion, in the sense, that she was so mad, so ill, so cruel that I could probably access — pure love, type deal, a real passion. I mean, the “state.”
That’s that, I think I felt, standing there, fear. Mostly. Like, where am I going? I still have some residue from that god awful period, of channeling the future, all this stuff. I thought, intellectually, about emotional purges, as people would go through emotional purges sometimes during these psychedelic journies… I had some moments of intense crying, that’s about it, and of course, I was told I could be a shaman, that’s the joke, but the shaman told me I could “do this work,” so I had moments where I connected with people, though not often, but I had a moment where I saw this woman’s grandmother, it was remarkable, actually, because I ended up approaching her, like, “okay, so I saw something…” and she looked at me. "Are you okay?” I said. And she looked at me, “yeah.” Okay, the shaman told me to explore what I saw, a little bit, so I did. I told her of the eyes that flashed open on her forehead, a very specific personality, and I began to describe her eyes, and she went, “oh that’s my grandmother.”
“Oh,” I said. “Really?”
She ended up opening up that — she’s supposed to be there. Her grandmother is in the hospital. Instead of going there, she came here, instead, because she needed to do this for herself. She needed to…prepare. She described her, impersonated her, and by God, that’s who I saw. “You have to go…” I said. She nodded. “You have to go, now.” She went the next day, by the way. We had a whole exchange about it, her wrestling, how much of a tough bitch she was, and I could SEE that, wow. I was blown away that I — saw her across the room. “I’m sorry, can I tell you?” And she made it for the end of her life. She did it. She crossed the country. She’s one of the people, not the only one, who would always remember me because I — saw something or did something that struck a true cord.
I followed this one woman…during the journey, because she had a strange ability to disappear. She would disappear, reappear, type deal. I went up to her, and I said, “you can disappear?” She nodded, one of these moments, “yeah yeah, people have said that to me before…” oh, okay, you can — disappear, really, in a room, and then you reappear, that’s interesting.
I’m a bit like who cares? To be honest, because I just didn’t need to do that, but I had my experiences, I suppose. A few. I’m making peace with them. I can’t even discuss it, honestly, and when it comes to emotional purges, I have no idea what to say, but sometimes, it seems, there might be a therapeutic value in people emoting.
But the entire thing freaked me out, a little, but I thought, hey, I could even use some of that…that exists too. You know, the mystere, as we said at Lecoq, prophets, classical. I feel rinsed, after that film, like I was brought to a pitch, it was even more extreme, the film, I mean, so I felt that experience surface… and I admired how brave her performance was. I left, and I didn’t carry that movie with me, and I thought, once again, I can’t change… I cannot change…that I didn’t go this way…this wasn’t my life. But I’m going to give it the best I got… I’m going to keep going… the guru said ANYTHING ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN’T DO. LITERALLY NONE. He freaked me out a little with his Seth Books, actually. Is that true? Anything? We’ll see.
So now I’m going to get into a Zipcar, and I’m going to pick up my bedside tables.