Picturing Will Hunting once again — he becomes a psychiatrist, like Robin Williams, though I don’t know if he was just a psychologist. I don’t know. But, let’s say, Will Hunting does what he has to.
Read this, and picture Will Hunting’s response. We’re laughing at this GURU — telling me I’m Alexander the Great, the next American writer. I could be! But this is who I am, you see, like I can’t help that — lol:
https://realitysandwich.com/fungi-bacon/
I pictured Hannah Arendt following the course of my life, and reading THIS, as well. It made me laugh so hard, it truly did. I can get there, people challenge themselves, try new things. I could picture Joyce Carol Oates saying, generously, “I don’t know if I could write that,” lol.
You know what I mean? These men told me it didn’t matter WHERE I started, type deal, like “you need to practice writing…” and it’s not necessarily that I don’t take myself seriously, I had a point of view.
“LET’S GET LOUD,” remember, I was wrapped up in a sex scandal with Jennifer Lopez singing this song. That’s who this woman was. I can’t help that. “LET’S GET LOUD.” The Brazilian Jews and I were dancing ALL DAY LONG.
Anyway, I’m just laughing, because I’m searching for “portfolio pieces.” Again, I’m not a bad writer at all, actually, like, it’s just, now I’m going to read what I LIKE. And hopefully, this will translate well onstage… “let’s take a look at some of my writing…”
It’s not that BIG of a deal, guru, this guy. Do you laugh? Can you crack up? Whoosh! He’s seeing my laughter as some PURGE, which, yes, sort of, and also, have you ever tried to connect with someone and it’s impossible? That guru doesn’t know how to connect. Not with me. He isn’t the type who gives himself. It isn’t even a critique, it’s a BE REAL with yourself. And I didn’t know — you’re trying to get something from him that he’s not going to give… it’s not working. But I could, I mean, again, it’s JLO LET’S GET LOUD, he just has no fucking idea what BRAZIL is. Not this woman.
That’s the sex scandal, hunny. “Wow,” that’s me, a little girl at her. Was it monstrous? Yeah, at times. I guess. I don’t quite know how to approach this because I was a FOUR YEAR OLD. I just got here. There’s NOT THAT MUCH happening. I had deep thoughts, I did, I was full of wonder too, of course I was… but I’m not an adult processing the situation. I’m not necessarily SCARED in this house. Not the right perspective. My HOME was frightening. My mother was. I wasn’t exactly ASKING to go home. I wasn’t exactly happy either, sure, but I wasn’t thinking about “mommy and daddy” like that.
Not as far as I remember.
Jennifer LOPEZ, please. “LET’S GET LOUD.” And soon, as we all adapt, you know, we’re designed to do that, I’m throwing my FISTS down on this living room dance floor… becoming lord of the dance. She’s laughing at me from beginning to end. Because, there you go, there she goes, the wonder of children, she’s going to soak this all up. I don’t know if I needed to get CRUSHED, if you would.
I picture my face, appearing, I had a nice smile, too, you know, in the Stanford hall, I know who he is. Will Hunting returns. So maybe I’ll end up thinking about something like that, I just don’t know what that would entail… would I have gone through a kind of break down? I don’t know. But when a MAN is telling you THEY FEED YOU THEY FEED YOU THEY FEED YOU, I mean. I don’t know if it’s true, or not, anymore, right? And I can’t make sense of what I went through. But my mother was most certainly SEXUALLY off the charts. And because of how we deal with sex psychologically, you see, this caused me nothing but problems. People don’t hear it. When it was a lie, “was it true?” They asked me, and when I asked that question, “no no no, can’t be.” A story like that, too, like it wasn’t a fiction on TV, you guys. Drove me nuts, these fucking people.
If anyone cared to know — that was a, to me, looking back, as a “Carl Jung??” according to this Hollywood screenwriter? I had a lot of stuff around me… like it was going to take a second. That was a piece by piece thing. That wasn’t a “that’s what it is,” or “that’s how you feel,” or “that’s not it.” I think a psychologist wouldn’t KNOW what they were looking AT, in all honesty. But holy shit, my facade, that caused me problems. Even in thinking about this psychologist I worked with, like, “no no no…”
Will Hunting? If I’m coming over in outfits? “What are you doing?” Showing her my clothes on the sly… oh, look at this one, because she liked clothes. All I see, honestly, is someone without any focus. “Are you a fairytale?” Nothing wrong with clothes. “But if you can’t wear them outside, WHY do you have them?” And one of my former friends was all wrapped up in my sense of style, which, coming out of that experience, I have NO idea what to wear. And I’m not LOOKING for help, either.
That was a —
“Is it?” Hunting.
“Is that how you feel?”
“How do you feel?” I could probably change my mind 14 times. Time. “What do you like to DO? With your time?” A funny question. I did not know. In reality. “Right?” Because you’re supposed to guide yourself that way. “Figure out what you like to DO for fun…”
Because, I got a bit, again, you could probably see it, I think, looking back at myself, which took time, you know, that was confusing, because my family was ill, and in my mother’s case, especially, she was so mentally ill. I don’t know what to say about FAMILY problems, only that, they are real. I don’t have a mental illness, even if I went through a crisis, that’s the thing. However, I disappeared…
Who knows, but it was a place I thought I could play around with one of these journies. Just because, I could agree with people, when that was so far off… to the point that the years before… in the place I am now… I shrug. I have NO idea what happened to me. That wasn’t me. I don’t know why I was hanging out with that guru, oh my God!
This guy said, disappointment was the base feeling with my father, whatever, as he believes feeling drives reality, when look dude, unless you have EVIDENCE of your beliefs in PRACTICE, why don’t you exercise some HUMILITY?
MEANING, have you EVER WORKED WITH SOMEONE before? No. That’s the FIRST point. So I had to go AROUND the fucking world, like I got attached to this person. UGH!
In time, this specialist said, hopefully, you’ll keep unpacking it, and you might come to a conclusion… that’s basically it. You don’t tell me, someone like me. “You might never know…” or “nooo, it can’t be,” don’t be ridiculous.
So whatever, I’m going to chill today, and keep updating my content portfolio. This bacon piece…I heard, in a silent room, Amal Clooney start to laugh in my dreams. I was charming, right? Funny. I can’t help that. I mean, I think so, I hope so, at least. So I’m going to say “no,” right? I’m not putting this in my content portfolio, the ghost of Barbara Harris and I — wearing glasses and picking out “the good ones.”
“What about…”
“This one?”
You know that Instagram trend with “I unfortunately like?” No clue.
Pop music. I know that. I’m listening to pop. Not classical, though I do too. FILM soundtracks. I like film soundtracks. “Do you even like to go shopping?” Picture Will Hunting. He would see my funny four year old — flipping out at tennis instructors for singing me love songs, because Dr. J taught me — SASSILY — that you would be RAPED at my age. I made Angelica laugh constantly. I’m throwing fists around her, dancing morning noon and night. I’m watching her, “wow.” I’m growling at people, striking fear into their hearts, and this family is in a chassee (Angelica) jumping along the perimeter as I go running and JOSE Leibowitz has to deal with my fits. I BITE.
I’m going to write this piece about fungi bacon. Will Hunting comes from the tradition of — who gives a SHIT if you’re special? You see what I mean? WHO CARES? That’s Robin Williams character. So I went through a breakdown, but that was a “piece by piece…” thing, with someone who doesn’t GIVE a shit about my personality, who isn’t affected, truly. And now, I can barely put together an outfit. So I’m taking it step by step. I’m thinking color scheme…basics. And I do really love pop music. My version. I like all types of music, but I might have been more of a dancer, you know, something…
So I’m going to go out and see if I like to do that, “like go have a good time…” which is what I’m trying to do now. And Will Hunting? But this is my learning, obviously, he’s going, “go out…and try to meet someone Maria…” and there, honestly, since I’m just concluding this epic decade and wanting to really pursue a life, this decade, because in the end, that’s what feels good. I had a hard time there.
Look, I had to be SO deeply honest with myself that I don’t have time for people who don’t understand what that means. Don’t come up to me with superiority, because if YOU HAVE truly faced yourself, I promise you, you are only humbled. It’s not like that. If you’re not getting what you want, if you’re disappointed, I don’t know if MANIFESTING is going to help you, but getting acquainted with yourself… for real, you’ll see just how deeply unconsciously we operate and you will be humbled…not approaching some CHICK you met at a CAFE like you have a big dick because you meditate and you made a few films. So here’s to the “divinity” in us all, Angelica Leibowitz turning with a snake.
JLo, “Let’s Get Loud.”