I wish I had met an older women back there, I really do. Why did I have to meet older men? You know. I really struggle with why these men felt like they knew anything about women. I am so sad, on some mornings, though I’m moving through it, because I could have had a house, I could have just adjusted my focus slightly and gone out there and tried to meet a real man. One I could build something with…not some aging screenwriter with too much time on his hands. What about that relationship was going to help me? It’s just, he pushed deep buttons, you know? My past. When, why would you do that to begin with? So, just a day, where I grieve the decisions I made. And I get so scared. I was a gentle person. I can’t help that. Am I to meditate money into existence? Because money was a joke to that guy? I just had to meet an enabler. Just had to. And that guy had nothing to lose. I had everything to lose. So, that’s it. I got that out. I was destined to be ALEXANDER the GREAT to this man, when LOOK at the person sitting in front of you. Not that I am not GREAT but that was a lot of pressure to put on someone you don’t even know. And now I still find this man insufferable. On some mornings.
This person believed, this screenwriter, that I was repressed for reasons that I don’t understand. Repressing what? Maybe I wasn’t a good writer? Maybe I wasn’t getting it? I don’t know what to say because all I had to do was READ around. Now I might have been stupid, but this guy wasn’t supposed to be stupid, right? There are all sorts of writers out there. Just, this self-proclaimed guru royally messed up my life. That relationship did. Feeling your feelings — feelings create reality — I just didn’t understand why this was happening. Was there anything wrong or that indicated that I had fucked up my life previously to meeting you? I couldn’t even TRY something without this guy getting involved and misinterpreting the situation. Now, I don’t know left from right. That seriously was detrimental to my personhood. The Seth Books. The psychic period, the whole thing. It was just everything I didn’t need. I needed a normal person. I guess? You see, I don’t understand why I needed HELP. I wish I went to a psychologist, and wrestled with what life was, for me, and worked out my priorities. If I didn’t touch my money, I would have been a millionaire by now. Like one mill, but that’s not nothing. But these MEN saw me for my lack, wanted to play GREATNESS games. But who cares right? I can meditate a mill into existence. I hate that man. I keep working through that.
How much I hate myself for ever getting involved with that man.
It’s like, he believed in my as an artist after doing a number on me over a lost I TANYA DVD? I really look back and go, I have no idea why this man is doing what he’s doing. And now, not to say I can’t reach greatness, but what was the point of that? I can’t change, I really didn’t see what a weirdo this guy was. He acted like a total weirdo. I just had money back then. And, now, you know, that story sounds so different to me. I didn’t really want to capitalize on it, exactly. That was a heartbreaking move, on his end. I keep trying to separate myself from him, I mean, he got all emeshed, in a situation he can’t relate to at all. He has no idea how “someone” like me would be like. Was I repressed? Or just simple and sweet? I just couldn’t believe him, trying to turn a weekly lunch date into “a feeding you” routine? “I’m always feeding you?”
I regret the day I decided, hey, I know, I’ll write a book about this. I regret that day. Just because I wish I had been able to take responsibility for myself and get psychological help. Just because the way I was living my life was so complicated, unnecessary, and I feel like I became a character. I can’t quite explain that. But I left that story aside. I was fine, living abroad, that’s why I really don’t understand why this screenwriter started acting as if I hadn’t had a life up until that point. Repressed? And I struggle to move on, I do, I am — but I have mornings or days where I only want to cry. Just cry this person out of my system. As my worst mirror. The most disgusting reflection of myself I have ever seen. Why I had to become that? Why I had to go wrapped up in this man who had no idea what he was doing, I don’t know. But my life was ruined. And he’s not someone who understands what a relationship is. He would let someone abuse themselves on him… because he just doesn’t care about anyone. Like I was clearly disturbed. So, that person reminded me so much of my mother, it wounded me, more so than she did. She was severely mentally ill. I mean, what am I supposed to do? FEEL EVERY FEELING ABOUT SOMETHING I have no control over?
You know? I just, I’m angry this morning. I want so badly to fall in love. At the end of the day, after meeting him, and meeting some of these other types I did… that’s like the only thing that matters to me. Sure, I can get lucky or I’ll figure out how to make a MILL back, but as of right now, I have no way of retiring. I didn’t work a conventional job. And I don’t KNOW if I’m a super talented writer. And I was JUST a NICE pretty woman. That’s it. I could have found a MAN who just loved me AS IS. I just get so scared, sometimes, because I was SET UP well. Actually. But I wasn’t seeing straight. Like, at 26 I was 500k. So, that hurts, because just by the general rules of money, it appreciates value over time. I could have been a receptionist, it didn’t matter. I didn’t even realize that in reality… I wasn’t exactly direction focused. And here comes this guy, with the Seth Books, talking to me about creativity. He just represents how stupid I was. And I can’t quite shake it, because I don’t have anyone. I don’t have a family with money to rely on. That was all I had. And sure, I can make more money, but I grieve, I do, I grieve the loss of that money. “It doesn’t matter what the rent is,” he said. “That takes care of itself.” I was so deeply wounded. I can’t HELP that I had the issues that I had. Forgiving myself in facing him, has been a difficult chapter. I can’t quite forgive myself for getting involved with him. He was someone who utterly broke my heart worse than my own parents. And my father, I don’t know what to say, but he would be so heartbroken with me, I think. I don’t know if I was abused, fed, this man was the worst. When I was FINE. I was FINE. Sure, get a shrink. That’s not what this guy was. He really really overstepped. His knowledge set. I’m just meditating, he says, or he’s not interested in a relationship — honestly, I don’t understand.
I always feel like I make progress on what I’m working on, to then, not feel that way at all. So I am still just trying to let go of “this can make me famous” or “bring me success” as this man impacted me so severely… in that way. And just figuring out how to move forward. I keep finding this to be a very unsatisfying road. But I’m working through it. I have to. I have to try to meet someone. I wish I wish I could just reach back to myself. I can’t. “You deserve so much better than this man.” I really did. People who love you, for real. People who want to be friends with you. People who want to — I wish I could just run away from help as far as I can, which I have, but now, I’m older, so I feel double terrible because I wasted my youth on this guy’s ideas. Wouldn’t you want to see your daughter, or a nice young woman get married? You know? Fall in love. For real. And yet, no one thought of it. I didn’t need energy graphs, you know what I mean? I didn’t need channeler tapes. I was a thirty year old woman, not a sixty year old man with time on his hands. So, so. I’ll leave it at that, today. I needed to just get out these emotions. I didn’t want to feel like I went against myself — I can’t help how my minds works. Like, I’m just not sure if I chose the best profession for myself. I was someone who loved people, who was very bright and warm. I don’t really think that was very fair, what he did. Said. So I have my moments where, I just think, why couldn’t I have just seen that this man was such a bad idea? Just the worst idea. Anyway, I still don’t know what I want to write about. So, I’ll get back to reading.
I need to find a job. Don’t spend the money that you have. that’s the best piece of advice I could give to someone.