I was just a nice girl with a funny haircut. I mean, truly. This goddamn shrink of mine, who did nothing for me except take my money, she made some comment that I was always attractive? Or beautiful. Okay, not exactly the vibe. I wish I could just reconnect with my New Jersey family, like, “oh my God,” I have no idea what the fuck even happened. I can imagine, my cousin’s wife, the one who got a bit too wrapped up here, not even knowing what to do with the guru, really. I picture my financial liasion of sorts, right? From Jersey, the one who said, “you wanna live with us a second?” I can’t even believe she said that, (lol), with her mic-mansion in Hamilton, she has hens and shit. She picks up eggs. They have tractors, boy cars. They hunt. She cares about me, actually, and I can’t quite face her yet, but I’ll reach out to her soon and go hang out with her. I’m not going to live with her, I have to figure this out, but Jesus Christ, what the fuck was I doing? My investment person, Art, he like washed his hands of me some years ago. It’s just this guru, this douchebag who came into my life too — who encouraged a dysfunction. I had — imagine? My financial advisor, nodding at me, he would be so annoyed — I HAD MONEY IN THE BANK. “Meditate on your reality,” just ridiculous. “You can make,” picturing his brother’s caring voice, on top of it, “money fall from the sky.” That’s basically what they were saying. And I was just a chick, in a cafe, working on a book. Be real. Cynthia, my point person at Northwestern, she would say, “yeah when Maria came into the office, she could cause a bit of a stir?” I don’t know how to comment on that, because I wasn’t geared to notice, but it might have been more of my style, my vibe. I just look back and I go, I don’t even know who that is. I don’t know how I became that… both my parents were, I mean, if they heard the story of what happened to when I was four, they’d been shocked. If they had known that, they would have suggested — psychological help. I’m almost positive of it. “Okay, first, let’s just get you some help, because you don’t get what you’re doing…”
I thought everything, here comes WONDROUS Maria, was going to work out. It’s not to say that it can’t work out, that I can’t drop a digital product that makes me real money, that I can’t, I don’t know, start a platform like this woman did serving freelance writers, she made 700k one year. It’s not to say I can’t make money now. I’m having a hard time right now because I acted like an idiot, and this Hollywood screenwriter was — tapping the baton on his music stand, his elegant genius fingers flaring up towards the orchestra — the APEX. So were the plant people, this psychedelic group I regretfully got involved with. Where ALL these people saw me for MY LACK, what I did not have, which was the case… throughout my life… senitmental attachments to my lack of a mother, blah blah blah. And in the end, in nice clothes, I guess, I’m going to meet this Hollywood screenwriter who’s going to not be able to hold himself BACK. He’s going to hear that story, “oh I’m writing a story about how my mother gave me away to a total stranger because she lied about him being a child molester…” I can picture Art Blick, senior advisor at Northwestern going, “okay, we gotta get you a shrink.” That’s it, all good, let’s just make a plan. “Nope, nope,” clicking his mouse. “Nope nope, you don’t make sense, Maria.” And it’s so true, WHY would you spend the MONEY you have, that you don’t REALLY have? I didn’t come from a trust fund, I had a nest egg. You see, even if I have a million dollars right now, I would not exactly change my operation. Currently, I’m scared, and they are scared for me.
Again, I hope I sell a book, I hope I reach success, I hope I can empower others, women, even, to not fall prey to a system that might be designed to disempower them in the name of empowerment — it was amazing to me. I had MONEY in the bank. Resources. I didn’t need HELP. This Hollywood screenwriter got a WHIFF of that story, imagine? And he got triggered where he’s going to lift his arm with a deep deep breath in — here comes the movie SPECIES — and he’s going to POINT at me across a living room: knooowwwwwww, what do you wanna knoooooooooowww, life is not about what you wanna dooooo, it’s about what you wanna knoooooooooowwwww… and then, I’m going to go down a track. In the end, “who cares how much the rent is? Totally, spend your IRA…” a rich guy from Beverly Hills. Who lives in a universe? I really didn’t understand it in which money magically falls from his sister’s tree in Bel Air. Like, I’m happy for you… you come from the kind of wealth that can act that way, I guess. But in my case, that was a destructive force, and at times, I thought he had major problems with women, he doesn’t understand. As he confessed his love to me as my father, sort of, as he was role playing? What??????? Over a lost I TANYA DVD.
I’m just that funny looking girl in that photo up above. Someone Dave Chappelle would have adopted, I’m pretty sure. “I got a white baby now… “ shrugging, “probably a good idea…” look, “her mother’s name is Dr. J if you can catch my drift, not a peachy story.” He’s just seeing a cute baby. That’s basically it. Nothing to get crazy about. Just a person. So I woke up terrified, again, and I’m not exactly stagnating, I need to figure out a step I can take… so I can at least get to the next step which is… a regular job. It might take a second, because I wasn’t THINKING straight, people. I wasn’t THINKING straight. I got close to a professor in college, right? Now, I snap, grain away, in terror — why are you getting close to this person, Maria? Sure, weeeeee, what the fuck did that man care for me? Move to Paris, BE, live, when now, as I had to become a parent here, Art Blick would be on my side — I’m on the CONCORDE as a mother — I’m flying in fast and using my psychic gifts to track you down fast. What the fuck are you doing? Ohhhh, you can’t GO ON VACATION? You see what I mean? Dave Chappelle, my husband on a dream TV SHOW, in the seat next to me, as I am fuming… “she’s lost her MIND.” You’re acting a little DISNEY, Maria, you’re getting a touch too DISNEY on my ass. “Little town…it’s a quiet village…” I totally put myself down, you know? This guy thought I could marry a Duke? I mean, I’m picturing my family in New Jersey, taking that in.
I became…someone I do not understand… I have no idea… but it was a dreamworld, man, it really was. Where I was HELPED my people who didn’t see what I was really dealing with. I needed a bowling ball — Art Blick, I think — who would CRASH this shit — no no no no no no. Did you say you were given away to Brazilians? Looking at my father? No, no, no. If he’s gotta call social services, he’s calling social services. If my father can’t respond properly, you understand? There’s something wrong with him, that was pretty obvious to me. So I got here, basically, and I don’t know what to do with how I feel most days. Where I regard — ghost of Hamlet’s father in a META TV show Ben Stiller could make better — the Hollywood screenwriter guru… on the outskirts of this movie theater… nodding with my friend LIZ, a very very special person, like, horrified. I don’t feel so special anymore, not for the moment at least… and let me tell you, Art Blick would be the first person in line to see me on the goddamn screen, if I managed to get there, “unbelievable.” I don’t know what to say, because there are attractive women in the world, it was more like, I had no idea why I attracted THAT.
Personally, I don’t know, as I’m trying to WATCH screenplays, and think, how would I get up there? I’m mostly reading a second, trying to picture WHERE my story would go, and how I should tell that story… Art Blick? Senior financial advisor at Northwestern mutual with a cool house in Miami, which was the point here, MARIA, he’s on my side: think BIGGER DECK, not artistic greatness necessarily. Oh man, oh man oh man, “and then I got adopted into this other family…” just a mess. Anyway, I’ve taken my space. I can’t deal with, the idea, which Art Blick is going to understand, Blick is going to hear what happened to me when I was four — and not give me some speech. He’s going to go, “oh my God.”
But I’m looking at my notecards, reading, just so I can begin to establish steps that I can take to get a job I’m proud of. Simply. I want to go into entertainment, I keep coming back to that, like that’s where I wanted to go, originally. So I don’t know what to say, there’s a girl, Stranger Things? A young girl investigating the sex scandal she was in, is that the story? I just want this to be done. I didn’t want to be here. I was JUST a chick, okay? Not to say I can’t rise to greatness, but had money in the bank. SORRY if it wasn’t A CRAZY AMOUNT OF CASH LIKE THE GURU HAS but his approach was ridiculous, and he looks terrible, as a character in all this. It’s a psychological thriller for sure with funny music. Wow, she’s going to die? That’s what you would think… towards the end… oh no, why doesn’t she see this? I came from a background. My mother left me for dead. She wouldn’t have cared if I died. You shouldn’t get involved. That guru had no idea what it means to CARE about someone.
Anyway, I don’t know what to do, look, I made my choices, but I’m just saying, you shouldn’t play psychologist or guru if you have no idea what you’re doing. And why would you do that to begin with? Saying “I’m HERE,” as if you were training a dog. It’s twisted, man, that guy was twisted. He took advantage of my vulnerability. So, that aside, now, I look around and I go, um, you guys, I think I was just young and pretty. Sure, looking at a room full of cool, nice, interesting people — Diane Kruger included, who doesn’t give a SHIT about personality — um, is that RARE? I’m holding onto the ghost of Barbara Harris, because…I had a quality? A vulnerable quality? Okay okay okay. My mother really fucking made my life a living hell, her PROBLEMS, she really made my life harder. That wasn’t a “take the good and leave the bad,” because THE WHOLE PICTURE was bad. That was a “bye bye…” I am not a part of you, in a Aragon from Lord of the Rings type of bow. I want nothing to do with you, your personality, your mechanisms. I reject you, madwoman. My father too. I don’t know what to do with this man. I’m just not the type of person who would TAKE ON THE AIRS OF A FUCKING GURU because I learned a thing or two. Arrogant prick. An arrogant prick.
Okay, I think sometimes, let me set up my room exactly how I want it, right? But I don’t have much money right now. I would GO OUT, sure, but I hardly have clothes, imagine? I am on Facebook marketplace, and these places trying to assemble a few outfits, just so I feel better about myself. So I’m feeling rocky this morning, because it’s like, should I not do that? I’m 40, not like I couldn’t meet my guy, my friend LIZ did, she did, in her forties, she’s in her fifties now, but I’m looking at myself in the mirror going — okay, look, I get that some people found me attractive, what I’m SAYING, is that I wasn’t exactly the type where everyone in the room was looking at me? I don’t know what to say! Because these people in my life would SHUT ME DOWN, oh yes, they do. NO! No they don’t! I’m looking at the celebrities on the psycho spiritual plane for support here, please. Please, please, tell these people. I have been through enough! Diane Kruger, giving her face for a selfie. Cool, bye.
I was not that person. Not exactly. But let’s see. Let’s see what I LOOK like on camera, which is a different exercise, depending. Diane Kruger looks different when she’s the actress than when she’s actually acting in that role. So, I think I’m going to take a deep breath and keep setting up my room so I feel together, and I’m going to just keep doing what I’m doing, a moment, even if I’m stressed and sad right now. I can’t help that. It’s not the time to fluff me up, or whatever, like who gives a shit if I’m going to SAG screenings? I’m not going to premieres, as my friend texted me, “OHHHH things are looking up?!” Artifice, my friend. Artifice. I’m just going to events with a sag member who happens to be on the nominating committee this year. But it ATTRACTS attention. ME up on that screen? Yup, things are looking up for sure. Until then, it’s a bit of a — uh oh— gotta steer in my spaceship, now my financial advisors in it with Joyce Carol Oates as we — sail through shooting laser beams as the guru believed I was Luke Skywalker. Destined to be a writer. Joyce Carol Oates is LAILA. She would be arms crossed, sort of pinched about that, I imagine. So she’s eternally JCO. And we’re — battling the forces of darkness…
Oh man, I’m feeling better, though, generally, even if I had to start over. I put that screenwriter in this theater, for real, Liz and I BOTH regarding him on the psycho spiritual plane… okay, and we’re just watching a TV show, eating milk duds, and going, “wow, that was a lot of fantasy around me…” um, I guess I inspired him? But like, he SAW me as a very weird person, like, I really didn’t understand his perspective, like he saw SUITORS — picturing Diane Kruger, confused — RUNNING IN, to date me, because I wrote a story about a sex scandal? Because I was SO AMAZING despite these circumstances? Or would it be my humor, Dave Chappelle, which would touch people? Wasn’t too sure there. But there I was, in his meditation, in a suit, in the back of a limo? Looking at Joyce Carol Oates… playing the field… my eyes SHIFT to Diane Kruger once again. Okay, cool, I’m just trying to readjust to life on Earth. “Your suitors came to me during a meditation…” ????????? Instead of, “hey yo, Maria, wanna PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE? FIND A MAN?” You know? You see the difference? ONE DAY versus there is ONLY TODAY MARIA! So let’s hope, let’s hope my BEAUTY, not knowing what to say, will HOLD one more decade… let’s hope I knock something out of the park — where the audience of SAG will rise to their feet — WOOOOO, she did it! YAY! “MORE MILK DUDS FOR ALL!” I would CRY because I can. (Sorrentino laughing, because, by God, I am a Neapolitan, able to rally the people in numbers…politically, yes). Let’s hope. I just have to figure this one out.
So I don’t know HOW to package this so I can help or support others to avoid false help, like if this were Hero’s Journey, what would I say? I didn’t get HELP, exactly, along the way, I got enabled… and you might have to INSIST — pointing to the GURU like he pointed to me, as if we were in Lord of the Rings, and in my case, FRODO, step aside, as I climb onto a ROCK and take a stance in a FUR and POINT — to the ghostly walkers, whoever, and simply knock them down with a beam of electricity shooting out of my finger. “NO.” That was bullshit. Do not come to me acting like what YOU DID WAS KOSHER, hunny. Your psychic senses, I can’t stand this shit, aren’t SUPREME. I think JLo, you know, just thinking about Jlo, truly, like, who gives a shit if Angelica Leibowitz becomes Puerto Rican, the sag audience cheering — YEAH! “Who gives a SHIT!”
“YEAH!”
Whatever, anyway, I’m going to figure out how to pick up my dresser. Bye. I’m back to myself, I don’t know WHERE I went, but I disappeared somewhere back there, and I’ve sort of accepted where I am at, right? And I’ll see what happens. Let’s see, Diane Kruger behind me, somehow, if I can be one of these people who — “wow,” Oprah goes, “wow, you really came THROUGH there, victorious…” right? Let’s hope. I just feel like going through my childhood photos, let’s all, just check in… with who Alexander the Great is. I get that ANYONE CAN BE OBAMA, not knowing what to do with that, I GET ANYONE CAN BE THE ONE. I still don’t know why I had to get this, when I had just arrived in LA, and I didn’t have a problem, except I did, and he reflects that. That story ATTRACTED problems. I’m reading this editor’s story — and he had a tragedy befall upon his family— he’s not talking about it. Nope. A smarter man than I was. Not with his friends, nope. Nope nope nope. So, he was not vulnerable. Not with shit like that.