And there’s a book deal. That’s my next goal. You just have to keep going… that’s just how it works. I’m not supposed to use words like “hopefully,” since that’s an unassured state of mind. Rather, I’m supposed to just know… to generate a feeling of deep knowing. “I knew you were going to sell that movie,” from day one. That’s the attitude I needed to surround myself with — hers. “I knew you were going to do that.” The odds, talk like this, are “impossible to begin with,” you know, I have to reflect on my inability to pursue theater…though I started when I was 9, 10. Even singing. You know, my cousins were so shocked — from Naples — that I stopped singing… the second I returned. It was as if I were lost, um, I did? But it’s true, I was quite driven as a kid even if I didn’t know where to turn my wheels…I had a coach a couple of times a week. And they just looked at me as if…someone else came back… visibly, which was funny. “YOU? You do not SING?” Franco Franzese. He was flabbergasted. “That’s all you did,” and that’s all I did, that’s how they all looked at me, especially when I said “I did?” But then, I don’t know what to say because they hardly remember anything I said.
Truly, ten years later, that was an Arnesic and Old Lace moment once again when they totally forgot that I walked through the door with “he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s when I was ten,” and I found out about that ten years later…when it was Alzheimer’s. They wondered why we disappeared. What happened? That was a warped moment…because Vico asked me that question when I came back for this hilarious and heartbreaking display of them not believing me which pushes me past the point of conscious behavior. “What do you mean…?” Ten years later. I couldn’t speak Italian well enough to blow up…I was totally shocked. It was a truly terrible, harrowing night for me where I felt like I was splitting.
Again, I’m excited about my psychological fiction with Death, lol. I needed wisdom. What would “the oldest storyteller” say to me…? With the perspective of “every story every told,” right? Since I was just thinking about that, and I suppose already, I thought, well, God, I’m sure families can drive you crazy.
So, good scene, I could appreciate it like that, taking deep breaths. I think, the first thing, I had to come to terms with — I had to separate myself from some of the things I had learned, some of the people who had too large of an influence on me. On the one hand, I thought there can be change without rupture, someone told me that. However, now, I wondered, why would I talk to people who would treat me like that? It’s not okay, actually. But this lingering thread in my life… of not being able to disrupt the fabric of whatever family group I have because it’s actually not strong, I feel like I had to let go of that. It’s fine, again, change without rupture, but I put some real distance there.
Just walk away. That was that section. Just walk away. From this whole thing. I had to work out “the adopted narrative thing,” the “adopted” problem since a couple of people told me that. I had “these problems” like I needed “psychic problems” on top of that. What does “the adopted thing,” even mean? I suppose it’s a way of relating? Externally? You’re not from this group of people? Something like that? I don’t really know, but if it was that obvious, I wish someone worked on that bit with me specifically, asked me questions about how I relate…people made all sorts of assumptions about me. Not to discredit one’s feeling sense or what it appeared like — me. But I found myself totally lost. It seems like something on that end needed to be adjusted, but I’m not entirely sure if that observation ended up helping me solve whatever this “problem” was. I think, for me, problem is a tricky word.
Me and the oldest storyteller…I went searching for a beautiful location in Naples…where I could write a scene… with me flipping out…and the oldest storyteller dealing with adopted issues or people claiming I would lie about such things, you see? Just because my mother was such a liar, I mean, she was, too, I don’t know quite what to do with her anymore, but this hurt me very deeply, which was something I was getting used to. Hurt. You’re HURT. Nice location. I sipped my coffee. It’s true though, on the one hand, there can be change without rupture, I think that’s true, and also, hilariously, am I unforgiving? That was funny. My second surrogate mother is very unforgiving. In the past, you couldn’t hurt me, but now that I was aware of that, I guess I’m going to have to work on that…but then, I don’t know, being called a liar like that, I didn’t appreciate it, but then, would people tell me that family members do that? You liar! I don’t know what this is. But some things just don’t fly, anymore.
I had panic attacks. Just because I had to walk back into the house…and then, I came out he had Alzheimer’s the second I got there, because I mean, that’s what it was, and they asked me what happened. I didn’t understand what was so unbelievable about a man getting sick, it’s so common. Except now, I would say, they’re both dead, they got sick, it’s just that dinner threw me — because he got sick — no. Then, once I got to my mother, that was a wrestle. Just to be believed.
But, I had the adopted issues, um, whatever they were, I corrected them, or I adjusted them…boundaries were a step one. Who gives a crap about the label? That’s what I came to find. Right, so when, this is what worked, you first meet someone, they are called “a stranger.” I do not know them. This is natural. There’s a nice boundary. And people have crossed it…so now, that I am aware of just that simple thing, it’s a whole new world. Now, I know, just because people ACT like they know, it doesn’t mean that they do, there were moments I said goodbye, no? Before it even begun. Gotta go. That was the oldest storyteller. WHAT? “You don’t know this person.” That’s step one.
I don’t relate anymore like I used to. Not at all. Just because someone says “you’re really going to get along…” which always puzzled me, like how do you know? I never know that… I’ve never had that experience with someone. I also never had the experience of looking at someone and going — they are psychic. And I am apparently psychic. Nope. One person. Yeah… anyway, I’ve got the stranger boundary in check. I have the “water under the bridge” button. And I have — um, okay, both my parents were sick, you see, so I’m just not going to get into weird dynamics…nor am I going toward relationships in which I don’t actually exist. Not everyone wants to be in a relationship. But there’s no way I would ever interact with certain people ever again. I would never put myself in an inferior position, I didn’t quite realize I was in one, that too, so power, in particular, was a tense subject. I hated power, I almost rejected it, and I thought, I don’t need to be the lead…I don’t need to have lofty ambitions this time around…again, no no no no no, who gives a shit about a past life? You only have this one. You understand? I wanted to uplift others, since I saw others as being wounded, you know, who isn’t, in a way? But THAT, my relationship to POWER had to adjusted more so than the adopted issues. Meaning, why are you in the relationships that you’re in? I always wonder about how people approach working with someone…
In reality, it’s not that I don’t appreciate clothes, I always did, but once I cleared a lot of crap, and my friend, well, betrayed me with talk of being my manager, I had no idea what this was, like have you gone mad? As your manager…has anyone gone through this? Where suddenly, someone is claiming your characters, claiming a managerial position that is totally unnecessary? I’m not an actor. You want to be my manager? I just froze back then, which took years, I must tell you, the freeze button was so deep. I don’t know what I’m looking at, come on, given my past, this was the closest person to me and he acted duplicitous. As your manager… with this character…in impossibly beautiful locations… that character kept repeating that one. “Why do you need a manager?” I just took on a lot. And the biggest problem, I think, I faced was that…WHY am I doing this? But my parents blamed me for their problems. That was a basic one. If someone starts acting looney, I can confront, look, I have NO idea what is going on. I have NO idea why you’re calling yourself my manager. I just don’t take myself to be that important at this stage… it was just a bit too much. So, that person, um, no longer friends there. Tha tperson kept disrespecting me. That was the part I could not believe.
And the oldest storyteller would step in, as an idea, to keep in mind what I was learning…
In any case, worked it out, just because someone acts like doesn’t mean I have to play along. If you don’t feel comfortable around a person…that’s a sign…maybe you’re just uncomfortable. Maybe you don’t want to relate like that. Nothing but choices being made. Thinking about some of the dynamics in my life…and why they weren’t the healthiest choice. A chemical thing, even. Since everything IS chemistry. Nothing against the person, but I just cleared up — what was LACKING. Since your parents are so fundamental…even my family dynamics were quite complicated…meaning, the idea that I didn’t have needs, that the world was a wondrous place, that I was interested in individuals, or interested in learning about people, like I get along with everybody (uh oh), I adjusted these gears. A, not that much of a lone wolf, don’t want to be. First. I don’t get along with everybody. Based on my life experience, I might hold myself up like I know a thing or two. No, I am not interested. In fact. NO, that became a powerful word. I just have absolutely no interest in relating. At all. I suppose there’s an advantage to having been…in a sense…discarded by one’s mother in such a fashion…which was what that was…and should have been treated like that — meaning, unacceptable, woman. This is the Zen Master Sybil — okay? Like what the FUCK? Rage. She was absolutely right. So, bye — that’s a bit cleaner now. Since there’s just no way I would ever go back. If no one is calling, then there wasn’t anything there to begin with. My closest friend didn’t even call me when I got out of the hospital… does that sound like you’re closest friend? No. So bye…that one was extremely painful. I have every right to be hurt. So, I see, got close to the wrong people. Again, it’s not a judgment call. Everyone has the right to be who they are…I don’t want to be close to that person. Going to the wrong places. And I have high standards. Very. New attitude.
So anyway, gotta go to work. Just excited about the movie idea. I know they will get the Celine Dion reference, no? In the US, that will land, you have to laugh when you read this Bible, there was so much comedy…and she was literally on that level, this mother. In a sense. This is one of her favorite singers…these songs playing in the house…car, we were taught these songs…step by step…tipping up the volume, rewinding it back, because we weren’t paying attention. This was not a joke. That’s what made it funny. She’s asking us questions. Pointer finger. “Do you understand?” It’s like almost…I was trying to find this reference…you know how Amber Heard in Pineapple Express is this sort of “other” character — Rogan’s girlfriend, high school, and it’s all very serious, right? Just make her foreign. Her Brazilianness is so funny, and her sexiness is, just her squatting on the sidelines for her kids — clapping, she’s not “sitting” down…she’s IN the game. With her fantastic legs. No issues with it. And I just spent my time laughing. I thought she was such a star. But it’s sort of like that… where Portuguese will fly… snapping birds …in this house of Hebrew + Portuguese. I know that will land. If I have to adjust a couple things to make that clearer, I will… but they’re a hilarious group of people. Especially her. Just get the right husband that tips that or balances that appropriately.
We’re all going through something that happened, very real, in that, YES, she most definitely — you see — played A NICE, fake smile, game with someone like that…under these circumstances… you can’t tell that woman something like that…she can’t handle that. So sure, send the kiddies around to throw pillows, blow bubbles, scream, not loud enough, happier, she loved every minute — waving to us — athletically — children…who were happy, safe, and free…she loved the scene. No? My father standing there. And you get it no? You can get it… anyway, I’m needing to cover science news now.