Ah Salam and good morning to you my dear friends, Aladdin returns.
I’m up thinking, now that I feel present about where I should turn the wheel.
I still feel tugs from time to time, which was — hell on earth— to think in a direction, that I’m MAKING something up or limiting how something could happen, as, for whatever reason, the guru invaded my thought processes. I really absorbed this person. I mostly just ask the guru, in my mind, to leave, again this was a real person I got involved with as that’s what the energy workshop I did suggested, “keep asking them to leave.” Imagine that his brother, my head was a total mess, “I have characters in my head,” I said, “I’m thinking in this way,” and he went, “sounds like a gift, some form of synesthesia,” and oooooo, Jeffrey Allen said, nooooo, just ask them to leave.
That’s helped, I don’t know what this means, but I’m working on eliminating all character form thought forms. It’s partially the future-minded logic I absorbed, was taught, I was not the person to play around with, and the “reaching out to your future audience” to help you get there. So I’m still dealing with issues I just didn’t need. I sort of got the idea that these men believe in this stuff, I just didn’t need it. That’s been a bit of an ordeal. “The energy of Tina Turner” is available now, this man said, I don’t want to channel energy, I get “you’re doing it all the time,” but a lot of people might disagree, and it might be a better idea to leave that aside.
I think because they were from Beverly Hills, I know that sounds silly, I wasn’t expecting to find that type of person there? I just mean one of these Seth fans, as these men were big big Seth fans. I just had no idea what I was getting involved with, and I didn’t need absolutism, like there’s ONLY ONE RULE— you get what YOU FOCUS ON. Like, okay, I was just a girl at a cafe, I have to remind myself of that simple fact. I had no issues with the RULES, I had no issues with one’s ability to manifest, I really really didn’t need any of it. In the process of typing it, maybe Hannah Arendt comes to mind, Dr. Berkowitz, actually, or different people in my mind who would have never have gotten involved with these people. I didn’t need help. I keep on trying to get all this out of my system… I didn’t need help, I wasn’t handicapped, thinking about this guru. I’ll try and talk to a variety of people about what I went through, but I’m not sure if I was the right candidate for plant medicines, honestly. I don’t know how to describe the totality of what I went through, but I was just a nice girl who had issues like anyone else, type deal. My issues were basic, I think, in fact. So in any case, I’m working on getting out of a channeler mindset, sorry, it was awful, reaching out to some future—that hurt me a lot. The future stuff.
I didn’t need any of it. I would call the board of education, if I could, and get your school shut down. Obama might give a speech abou it, trying not to laugh. “So the future…” he might look up. “Doesn’t exist yet…” just to clear up that confusion. I felt like I needed to joke around, talking to super smart, super accomplished individuals who might find the logic I struggle with right now—strange. I don’t know what to say, but I didn’t need support tools, I didn’t need to get “the information” from this person, I don’t need to call on the energy of Tina Turner—ridiculous. I didn’t need to play around with energy actually. If I was sensitive, looking around at all these people I got involved with, I wasn’t the person to play around with. I’m still getting out of the ENERGY mindset — there was no problem to begin with. I do believe in energy, sure, that everything’s energy, I guess, I just didn’t need to engage with this arena at all to write a book…? Or be a writer? No offense. I’m looking at writers, and they have never even engaged with this idea at all. Was it necessary? Nope. It had no point. I don’t need to confuse a thought process with channeling, or whatever this is. It usually helps to state this, it clears my head a little bit. I just ended up going through so much with shady people, no offense. That was shady indeed.
Alright, so that’s evacuated. When I’m around people, I don’t have that problem, it’s not a problem like that, it’s more of a cognitive process that I’m just seeking to clear, this supposed “smart” shortcut, or mind hack, or drawing on other people or energies to support a thought process — okay? It’s pretty specific. But I suppose I think, oh what would this person say to me? I just want to clear their image from my head— get back to formless. I’m working on it. No no, I don’t need to —
I think what’s confusing, is that, I became psychic, I always was, of course, looking at photographs of myself in high school, which has helped, like, uhhhhh, there I am in New Jersey in a lilac tank top and funny brown lipstick, no, I was not always psychic, but I suppose people have had moments…? I don’t know how to quite tackle a belief system that there’s something happening to you from outside of you…? Like I can channel, no? This is what people told me… and why am I here? Do you see what I mean? I was just looking for therapeutic support, I suppose, or at least, I was trying to be open to something new—exploratory, sure. Oliver Sacks famously took drugs. I’m not against the idea. It’s more so that I can’t quite place everything I went through. Like, ayahuasca reactivated itself in my gut during this experience, it was a lot, and was she reactivating herself — because she has a mind of her own? You see what I mean? Or did she reactivate herself because I was stimulated? It’s a plant. So what that means, I don’t know, for example, what I experienced was rather mindblowing. So, I’ll go around and see who I can talk to… as I was dealing with pain, real pain, in my hips at that time.
That aside, I keep on telling myself to heal. Just heal. And the thing is, what sucks, all that future minded thinking, all these sci-fi shortcuts, or “calling in the information from x, y, z,” whatever, there’s something very seductive about it, so my heart was such a mess, because putting all that away — those were years of my life, and I had to start over, like that royally didn’t work, and no offense, but these men don’t believe in translation, they don’t believe that some people come from other countries, literally speaking, so we’re not going to necessarily align on DIRECT translation, like it might not make sense. Anyway, it helps to think this out, since I’m not talking outloud. I was working on a monologue last night, just trying to memorize it, and I don’t like using people’s names — different actors came into my mind as I was going through these lines, so I suppose I have influences, people I like, so when I think about “this actor” I’m going to say the line — like that. When I’m tired, this way of thinking can return, and I need to get my mother now — out of my heart, literally, because that family, that group of people — they did not help me, support me, at all. I gotta get them out. There’s a strict line. That’s basically it.
I’m re-structuring — and trying to just deal with a strange way of thinking I developed, that’s all. I’m not seeing things, if you will, I’m not dealing with this when I’m talking to people, at all, it’s just a cognitive process. Whoosh. And I think, wow, I would have preferred going out to bars, quite frankly, and meeting people. I didn’t need to get sucked into a loners universe where that’s what they think about… ??????? Or they don’t actually believe what they believe in. It stays in a theoretical headspace. Which is where it should stay. I’m waving away “the gifts” I have away, namaste. You can keep them. I’m at the return counter: yup, this, this, daben tapes, especially, this person gave me Da Ben tapes, and later, I went, uhhhh, is that a channeler? Thanks for ruining my life. I’m telling you, I was a bright bulb, trying to be open…expand my mind… sure, I was interested in psychology, and it’s amazing to me that I ran into the dark side, or something that harmed me. But I’ll keep making peace with stuff that didn’t work, needing to get my ex, quite frankly, away from me at this moment, because I don’t even want to think about him. Whatever he thinks, it’s an automatic shut down. No. No more people TELLING ME what things mean. I can arrive at my own meaning. So there’s a little snapshot.
So Jeffrey Allen, Arendt, I’m with them, right now, in these lines—clearing through people who I want nothing to do with, in my mind, yes. I had to clear away… all that. And expulsing it, helps, exposing these — ahhhh, there you are, this person ready to tell me what this means…no. I guess they really got into my head. Obviously, if I’m Professor X’s protegee — people, ridiculous. It was ridiculous, the psychic period was ridiculous. “You’re a portal, channel, and antenna traveling on multiple planes of existence,” no offense, but why not — it costs 100k to build a villa in Bali? Okay? Why not have a fucking goal? So — banished, my goddamn mind, heart, body — a mess. And my ex, imagine, I said, Jesus, this shaman — the shaman of this group, this mother fucker, sorry, was — a pain in the ass. I texted my ex, like, this shaman won’t get out of my head, and he goes, “he can get sticky,” ugh! Can you imagine? “Sticky?” “Luckily, he’s not in my…” he said…not in his cognition? His energy? Whatever that is. Yikes. So I thought, I might as well become a shaman onthe comedy circuit, “it is me the shaman.” He’s basically gone now, the shaman, as — if I spoke from the heart? Imagine? He could imbue this process. I got IN TOUCH with thought processes, like, it amazes me that I read articles about, “hm, the brain heart connection,” like are you serious? Haven’t you ever spoken from the heart? So I’m just saying, I’m the real sister in Practical Magic — yelling at these goddamn sisters, about the basic cognitive processes. And the most hilarious part, right? Vogue Italia believes I’m getting close to the psyche and its mechanisms.
So anyway that’s my dump, where I am just stating the cogntiive processes I’m clearing, and just needing to let go, like — I get “it’s true,” to the guru, a person who, just the thought, grosses me out. His ENCOURAGEMENT — his way of speaking to me, bad memories. I felt manipulated, actually, I just didn’t know it. Was I fed as a baby? I mean, what the hell was this? His obsession with feeling driving reality, when I didn’t have a problem. Why would I go to a doctor, even, that I didn’t need to go to? Telling me — this is the problem. When there wasn’t a problem to begin with. He’s obsessed with problems. As he said, drama = problem — he could examine that obsession within himself.
So there we go! Feeling good. Feeling here. Moving forward. Like, I didn’t want to HAVE to assure myself that I could get where I wanted to go, you see, I didn’t want to HAVE to think about Jeffrey Allen, who’s just an energy guy, that’s it, and he thinks everything is energy, so I can make anything happen. “It’s okay, you can make money,” I didn’t want to have this problem down the line. Can I do this? Can I…”make it” even? I took on problems that were not mine. I took on problems I didn’t need to take on. So, sure, I can definitely move forward from here, Tina Turner did really turn her life around, and people visualize where they want to get to, sure, they have goals. Vision. I don’t have a problem with it. I’m trying to keep my mindset positive, I’m trying to THINK, actually, as to what I can do from here…
And I have to watch Jim Carrey, basically, as I feel more of an affinity with him as a performer, than Barbara Harris, though I’ll always keep her in mind, because she was just so great. Especially — which I’ll do, acting is a mysterious exercise, it is. I’ll work on letting a character emerge, over time, I won’t put on a mask. I don’t know how actors work, and I don’t care to know, that’s personal. I’m laughing. But will the real Jim Carrey know me? You see what I mean? Am I reaching for Jim Carrey in the future? To help me get there? I don’t mean to burst these peoples’ bubbles, but we’re a system, we LEARN, I feel like I’m reprogramming a goddamn computer.
Uh oh, I see a cop, “were you in a cult?”
My friend asked me that, “was this sort of a cult?”
I’m just backing away, with the ghost of Barbara Harris, ducking between cars on 6th ave and running so fast — in the opposite direction of all these people. Is that true? Is that thought event really happening on some level, am I transferring the INFORMATION to these people…? These people really were — the gurus, specifically — believed in parallel realities, that you are living multiple lives in parallel realities, calling in the INFORMATION to this one. No. It’s just a no. We can agree to disagree, and my cute little head in a top hat appears near Obama, he became a safe place for me, mentally. I’ll be over here. Way too theoretical.
All this, all that, really triggered me. I had enough insane logic, I had enough people telling me what the truth was, I had enough. I like concrete reality. I almost cycled through disbelief, that too, as I had to deal with so so much of it. So much disbelief. It was harrowing. It was an ordeal just to get here. Ideological tyrannts, aside, and yes, getting into an unmarked vehicle with Obama in it in the West Village. AH, Eat, Pray, Love, the movie. I‘m giving you the thumbs up, and it’s definitely meaningful, with a smile attached. “You’re absolutely right, correct, and we’ll discuss it, even,” as I speed away, change my number. And that’s that, and in the end, these people would never even have tried to call me, so there was nothing real there.
So.
I’m writing out my goal right now, my financial goal. And I’m looking at jobs now. There’s a staff writing job position available at Vanity Fair, so as a writer, a staff writer, that would a goal. Where do you want to write? Not “life is your idea.” No thanks. In terms of building a career, where would I like to end up? So I’m thinking about that and what I need to do — to get there. That’s all I needed to hear.
Now, I wanted to work on books, right? Okay. That’s a different pursuit as, until I can actually start making money that way, the obvious question is — where’s my income coming from? Now, not everyone might think in the way I’m thinking right now, but plenty of people are smart, or they engage with life actively. How am I going to figure this out? Build, succeed, absolutely. Okay, all smiles, I’m here.
So now, just trying to think — what do I want to write about? Is this the direction I’d like to go in? Because yeah, I feel like I took on jobs this past decade without ANY real sense of direction. “You should work in psychedelics…” why? “To practice writing,” imagine? And I was, once again, it was sweet, a bright bulb, trying to be open to opportunities, but I wasn’t exactly in the driver’s seat. WHERE are we going? And sure, I had family problems, or something.
I can’t predict the future, and I can’t even deal with the shit I had to deal with — so I’d like to get into performing again, and yet, the future is uncertain, sure, I could TRAIL BLAZE — here I come, making Streep laugh, out of a sci-fi flick, literally, with a fuck you expression on my face — surfing — to a soundtrack. I’m flying on flames — in a curve — with the planet behind me. I’m in a skin tight black suit… Barbara Harris is floating there. That sounds — interesting.
I could keep writing, but I had such a terrible experience with it, just terrible, and it sounds like such a joke, that it made me want to abandon it, reject it. I was looking at Atlantic Family. I don’t know if I want to write about family exclusively, but if I want to write in this way, I’m contending with the landscape because I’m looking for Staff Writing positions, anyway, as it’s what I do right now, so for Vanity Fair, there’s no point in me applying, okay? However, I can look at it, and go, there’s my financial goal, right now, and what job would I need to get to get there? People have successful freelance writing careers, I just don’t. If anything I feel mediocre, if I’m being honest. THIS was not my problem, since the guru returned to my head. His way of thinking caused me harm. And that’s when I ask him to leave… when he comes into my head. That’s worked. Go away. He’s insistent, controlling, manipulative, bye. It’s a reject. I reject him. This is my exercise. I did not need this man directing me.
I have interesting material I’m working on. I just have a problem with form. That’s it. I’m working on a piece with Barbara Harris, from the time I spent with her, and it’s not so much that what I am doing isn’t well-written or interesting. but I thought about it yesterday. I’m not thinking form as this is short-form. I’m not trying to submit an excerpt from a book. So, I cut out the extra scenes and decided to stay at AJs supermarket. Now, I can think, what’s this about? So, “I don’t buy it,” no one bought her, at AJs. That she didn’t want to be famous — I got clarity on that one, simply. I’m not thinking formally. I just hated this guru, sorry, he’s not even a writer in the way I wanted to be. I didn’t need manifestation help. I mean, does that even make sense?
I’d like to, not knowing exactly what I’d like to do, figure out some way to exercise writing that would fulfill me, that would work. I want to feel like what I’m doing is working. If I want to get a job, finally, at one of these prestigious mags, I might want to get reporting experience. I don’t have a beat, I’m haven’t been able to figure out yet, what I’d like to pitch, so being a freelancer doesn’t make any sense to me. I don’t think like this. Not yet anyway. I just don’t know if it’s worth it to battle with “why are you telling yourself that…” which is a guru line. “Look, dude,” I’m exhausted. I’d rather figure out what feels natural to me. That might take care of it. My fucking head. This man, this relationship totally fucked with my head.
I never felt disastified with life, but the star bullshit, that was terribly unsatisfying.
Gotta figure it out.
I’m going to think, with writing, where would I like to go? Where would the money be? And I’ll keep figuring it out. I’m working on a book, though I couldn’t care less right now, but I keep pushing that along, so I might apply for some reporting positions — I hate that the guru can be so present in my thoughts. I hardly think about him, but around some subjects, he plagues me, literally speaking. That relationship does. I do not miss him. Every now and then, he could say that, and why, I don’t know, but it would so deeply touch me, as he’s extremely aloof, unfeeling, and cold. So I got involved with someone who was just the opposite of what my kind of person is. Just, cool, you can be however you’d like, but I’m clearer now as to what kind of person is my person… and that, that guy was definitely not it. That just broke my heart. Bad relationship. For me, that was bad. I’m clearer now as to the type of people who fulfill me, make me happy. I wasn’t his personality type either, he didn’t even really seem to like me though he confessed his love for me, and I was like, maybe he’s a boy who acts mean to the girl he likes, you know. Terrible. He was a mean boy. I mean, taking his brother’s hand and punching him with it? “Why are you hurting yourself,” I mean, that’s so mean. How terrifying is that? That’s who I got involved with, and his brother said this to me as if it were wise…
Oooooo— I’m in my sci-fi suit — flames — flying out of that atmosphere. The ghost of Barbara Harris still there. Wow. Mean boy. M. Night Shyamalan. I’m thinking Dave Chappelle in these moments, as comedy really saved my life. “I was in a M. Night Shyamalan film…” It helped me, think about the movie of that, of him pointing at orange cones, “you’re making it up…” down to these details. “The whole thing is made up.” M. Night Shyamalan is watching the clip. “Okay cut. Maybe we should…” the whole world is made up to the guru. And this is one of these times, I think about Obama, like, what he would say to someone pointing at orange construction cones? And saying “even that, I’m making it up.” It sounds off. M Night Shyamalan is seeing the utility in it, the suspense in it, Beverly Hills as the backdrop on the sunniest day. That’s basically it.
So I’ll keep doing comedy, I was just thinking, I mean, plenty of people have been on TV, on comedy shows, it’s not so much that it couldn’t work out for me, I’m just trying to move forward from where I’m at. I battle with idealistic thinking, now, and realistic thinking. I’m not even trying to limit myself. But I don’t want to be a server, and there’s nothing wrong with it, but I don’t want to go in that direction. If I gotta make extra money for a while, that’s fine, but I should be able to take a deep breath and expand into something better. Again, I don’t exactly understand what I worked out in terms of my family, and though I have some cognitive tensions, the basic operating system seems to be more sensically aligned, like I’m contending with the world from a place of — “I want.” What do I really want? So, to bring in the sci-fi, I’m recaliberating, so I should see results in my life. I believe in that.
So that’s what I’d like to see: results. I want to see a home build from here, so I’m here for the moment, the people I live with are SIMPLE, not complicated (theater people), because holy shit, I got involved with complicated people, NAMASTE. I’m leaving complicated behind. I have a date this week with a super simple lawyer. Just simple. That’s it. I’d like to grow. I’d like to have stuff. I’d like to build. I’d like to reconnect with my sense of purpose, with what I’m good at, what I love, what I love doing. So that’s that.