"Dreams and schemes and circus crowds"

Having one of those nights again before I tuck in, lights out. I turned in my bed, felt a pang of fear and uncertainty. Tonight, regret paid me another visit. I happened to catch some actors online, as everyone is online now, all the time. I needed to make peace that I didn’t pursue that. I have to remind myself that I chose not to. The only thing I can do, I said to myself, is do it now if that’s what I want to do. What else — I sat up — am I supposed to do?

It’s more than that. I was working on my writing portfolio, and I just can’t quite recognize myself. I struggled once again with who I met, the couple of older men who came into my life this past decade who distracted me more so than anything else. These were men who believed they held answers, like the slytherin said, “I knew you were a writer” just by looking at me. The guru seemed to take on a slightly different position, but both assumed so much about me based on a psychic sense of things, and I guess I fell for it, I really did. Now I would be weary of anyone who even approached me like they did. Why were they so interested in me?

Be real. Like I needed this shit.

I’m up, 3 AM, my throat infection is back in my throat, so that’s why I’m feeling wonky and down. The amoxicillin doesn’t seem to be working, but gargling with salt water provided immediate relief. Salt water, antiseptic mouth wash, that cleared something up! Whatever this is. So I’m taking a moment this early morning and sipping some vitamin C, I’ll make myself an apple cider honey elixir next. I should probably call out sick from work, just stay in and rest. Maybe order a seated pillow.

Ugh, rebuilding from the ground up. That last decade really put me through hell. There’s so much I’m unsure about, I mean, I might have wanted “to make it” as a writer, but that guru was a bit overboard there. Majorly. Now I’m just looking at my portfolio, making extremely boring, concrete decisions. “What’s the IDEA?”

Who gives a shit?

“If there were a chalkboard here,” and there isn’t, “I would put family and circle it.”

I didn’t want to write for Family sections in newspapers and magazines. I couldn’t stand this man, like I developed a maladaptive pattern? I mean, what a lunatic, why was he doing this? I was a young woman at a cafe. And of course, that made no sense to me. And the Slytherin says, “you should work for this psychedelic publication” to practice writing? Now, whoosh, I’m just less bright and inviting, and I’m assessing what it is I need to do to get to where I want to go.

These men. These strange strange men.

So — the guru’s perspective. I know people who are working artists, that anything and anything is possible, and that it’s all up to you, everything that happens is up to you, because of you, no one else is involved, no other factors are involved, it doesn’t MATTER, nothing MATTERED to this person, so the most successful book exists in a probable reality in the future, and I could project myself there — and he claimed to use these techniques to get to where he was at, which was where, exactly? What made this guy so special? So he made some movies? I couldn’t believe this man.

What about read books and figure out how you want to do it? I mean, if you’re going to go to such lengths. My head was a goddamn mess, and no, I refuse to believe that I wanted this to happen. That’s so disturbing. He would not be able to be open and honest about his beliefs. That’s for certain. He would have to lie. His brother too. So why did they bother me with it? I’ve thought about contacting their sister, for sure. I am pissed, beyond pissed. “The theme here is nourishment,” what the fuck is he talking about? This man got a weird hard on over my childhood story, imagine? He took himself to be a guru of reality creation.

And now, here I am. It’s like, I don’t know how to talk about the past decade, if it was a trauma cycle, or what, but that story caused me nothing but problems. I mean, holy shit, and I suppose I’m pretty, but my personality seemed to prevent me from seeing danger. When I moved to New York, I ended up going a little nuts, where I would have to call this man once a week, out of sorts, repeating you create your own reality, as if I absorbed this man’s obsession, even. It was clear, way back there, that I had been disturbed. His — sitting there silent on the phone, what — he can’t use his voice? He can’t speak? Absurd. A relationship involves two people.

Nightmare. That was the worst relationship, I keep saying it, I have ever been in, I had never in my life ever acted like that, ever — I’m sorry. But in the end that guy goes, “death is a really good psychological device?” Is this man mad?

Another one of those days where I hate this person with the deepest passion. It’s like, was me MAKING IT that important to HIM? I was so confused. Why his sister introduced me to David, I do not know. Why did she introduce me, if she told my friend “they” would even fall in love with me, meaning her brothers, her brothers who hold weird beliefs? They know they hold weird beliefs, in that, they couldn’t necessarily be public about that, so why did the guru, David, make this my problem? Giving me Seth books. I was just some chick at a cafe without any problems with manifestation as an idea.

And now, I’m kicking myself for being so stupid, utterly stupid, as opposed to what I’m doing now? Reading books, deciding how I want to do it? And look, of course I want the book to do extremely well, but what’s the point in putting ALL EGGS ALL FOCUS into THAT basket when there’s a WHOLE life around me? Like, who knows? This person begins pontificating before he’s really even read anything. What sense does it make to put all energy into the success of one book? Too much there. And this person is presenting himself like a guide, helper, wants to be there for me, but doesn’t, it was a fucking nightmare. Would he act that way with someone else? Probably not. "But I was special,” absurd. WHY? What made me so special?

If it’s that, he was actually in love with me, I could kill this mother fucker. He was a boy. Unnecessary. So, there you go, people you wish you never met, the times you wished you had listened to yourself, like, that little voice that shakes you, “why is he doing this? I’m not asking for this,” and I wish I never got involved with this man. His ideology really really affected me, harmed me. Like who gives a shit, looking at his stupid brother, that “in the 15th century I would have been the one to speak to animals?” Is that a fucking joke?

So — no one thought, “you build over time, there’s many areas in life, you might want to just think about that.” I made these decisions, for sure, with these people. You see. I wasn’t thinking. I mean, that psychic stuff really impacted me, adversely. Nothing about the psychic stuff made my life any easier, no offense. It made me a mess. The slytherin wasn’t on that channel, he was on his own — how brilliant he was. “How do I know what I know?” Whoopee cushion. I’m telling you.

The slytherin wanted to help me too— again, WHY? Think about it. Has your help ever really assisted someone? You know what I mean? You have to be careful with help, there are academic articles written about it. You have no clue if you’re really helping someone or not. It’s — in academic papers. I literally just appeared, that’s it, that’s all I did. I came back to the United States, wanted to be a writer, wanted to pursue that, and it was like raw meat to the wolves…

“Oh really?”

And what a hilarious profession, no? To get all Hero’s Journey about.

Probably, you’re going to want to pick a beat. It’s pretty simple no? I mean, the hilarious part? Writing couldn’t be harder for me. I find it so so hard. “Think formally,” I’m telling myself back then. So I keep learning on my end, now that I have these distractions out of my life. That was quite a ride, where I saw the worst of myself, truly, I was coming out of that period — completely appalled. Like, why am I helping this woman facilitator? WHY? This didn’t make me better, and no one gave ONE shit. Not one. I hate my ex boyfriend, hate that guy, for bringing me into this.

My friend sensed darkness in him. Anyway, decisions made, throat infections preventing me from continuing to rise through the ashes and spread word of the Hollywood guru — the Hollywood man who wanted to help me… manifest reality, played by Mads, sure, in this version, as the techno beat begins to accompany the preview, and we’re about to go through The Matrix…beginning in Beverly Hills.

I gotta keep building books, I hope that I’ll get a publishing deal, of course, of course. I think now, I’m thinking BEYOND that, looking at my therapist back then, too???????? Like where were you???????? It might be tough, except, at least, when it comes to mags, which is really the way to go, because the work might actually be seen, I’m having a hard time because I didn’t really want to write about family.

What am I going to say????? Truly, who on earth can relate to me???? Sure, “both my parents were mentally ill,” and? You know? So I’ll try to keep thinking about ways to help myself get to a book, or a beat. I thought, do I want to cover sex scandals? I mean, there are so many. Do I want to cover sexual abuse? Do I want to cover mental health topics? I have to keep thinking. But more so than anything else, I’m trying to figure out where I want to go, end up, specifically. Like, the guru’s brother is talking to me about the New Yorker as if he had ever read anything I wrote. Truly! He even told me “I know you are a gifted diarist…” when I had never even written a diary entry. Sure, I had a journal, I’ve had journals… but where is all this coming from? His psychic senses? So YOU’RE PSYCHIC? Not too sure there.

So, let me just see, because the slytherin mentioned someone he knew, and I hope he’s telling the truth, who worked at the New Yorker, who worked for a small dance magazine, at first. I think he was thinking, just have somewhere where you can publish. It’s just, I don’t know about her writing, but I don’t know if I produced anything that interesting? Not to be mean to myself, there’s nothing but ways to improve, get better, that’s not the problem. It’s more like, okay, I’ve been writing for some years now, and it hasn’t exactly brought me abundance, opportunities, and why is that? What do I need to do to make this more enjoyable?

To be frank, my heart wasn’t always in it, just because, now, I’m going, I really wanted to perform, right? That was my dream. I thought I put that aside, because I didn’t want to do it, and I came to discover that maybe I did, maybe I really really wanted to give myself a shot, in fact, and I’m older, what else can I say? It’s like, should I host Jerry Springer? Should I host a TV show about families, airing out their problems, okay, well, I’m not a psychologist. I could maybe play this person on a fictional TV show or movie. And though I want to hope for the best, I want to EXPECT the best, even, yes, I’m on BOARD, except life is still happening. I have to get my money situation in order, I have to begin to put myself out there, I have no clue how that’s going to go. I could get crazy lucky, I could get called an old fart, right? And who cares? Don’t you have older roles, man? Who knows? It could take years, I mean, there’s a story for everyone.

I just thought, the comedy circuit was good. I miss it. I miss those open mics. I miss bombing. I miss cracking up every time I get up there, “okay, well, I was in a sex scandal, so you know, I’m just happy to be here…” simply. “Jesus Christ the fucking sex scandal!! Am I right Hollywood? Insane!” Nobody wants to be in a sex scandal. No one. It’s ridiculous. And if you go through a mental health event — good luck. Good luck. No one gets there’s a body. Four years later, I got to a doctor, a sexual trauma specialist. If something happens to you physically, you go…to a doctor… you begin to assess. What happened here? So, I’ll run tests concerning my intestines, uterus, etc. I thought I had something neurological going on, but the guru’s belief system and the psychic period — really messed with my head. I am not a channeler. Please. But then, improv would say, you can sort of channel, it’s true. So, there you go. I’m just saying that it didn’t bring me anywhere. I might sign up for an improv class, actually, or do one of their improv jams to get up there and try —for that reason. If I am a channeler, psychic, then improv should help me capitalize on these gifts or at least support me as a performer.

I hate that I was in a sex scandal, that that’s what that was, but it was, my family sucked. They truly sucked. My father had dementia, at least, or else, he wouldn’t have acted like a total guilty lunatic, standing in some woman’s wide open door.

Anyway, I have to figure out how to make my life work. I do not want any meditation, manifestation, no thanks. I had money in the bank, back then, thanks. Money is real. I didn’t need to be in this position. I didn’t need HELP. I might not have been a millionaire, looking at these people, but I didn’t need help. “What you need is time to write,” no, “write in your free time.” You know? Just the wrong advice left and right from self-purported geniuses. It’s cool, no one is expected to know what you should do, in a sense, if they don’t know what they’re doing, you know? It’s ACTING like you know, it drives me nuts. Thinking back to these men — I’m going, “nooooooooooooo, Maria nooooooooo…” so I have a little sick day to read and work on the next section of my book, and apply for jobs.

I think with all my desires in check — I’d like to explore doing a show, even if it’s a comedy show, about the sex scandal, just picture me with a stiff drink, no? I mean, Jesus, truly, I needed a DRINK. Then I gotta deal with psychics and gurus as if I were an X-Men because of it? I was in a sex scandal, had a complicated family story, and in the end, I am psychic. That’s less the slytherin, but the guru — yeah. My ex, too, he spoke about my psychicness as if it even hindered me from being able to live a normal life. LOOK, dude? I was better off without you. That’s a work in progress. I just thought, I hope I’m right, that the subjects I’m talking about, even psychedelics, might resonate right now. “SHIT, dude, you see? I couldn’t go to a psychedelic journey, because I’m going to be told that I have gifts, like a shaman told me I could be a shaman, literally!” I think, the thing is, this isn’t a form of therapy, I don’t think, it was certainly not therapy for me. I saw people with addiction problems, for example, who seemed to benefit from this approach, it’s just, Dave and I are assessing whether or not that played a factor into my event. So I’m talking to different people about all that. This guru telling me I was repressed for a long time? was that fair, asshole? At first, you see, the second night I’m hanging out with this guy, he’s telling me he FEELS my PAIN? SO— is that someone repressed??? I was just being vulnerable douchebag, as that really happened to me. I hate this man. And in the end, he’s telling me — this is about repression. And looking back on our conversations that year, he had some delusional nerve within him. A real delusion nerve, and why? Why was that? He lived not in reality this guy, not at all.

And I’m trying to connect with this book of the future, imagine? JUST READ A BOOK— read books, for the love of God! What, is the real so painful to this guy? So unnecessary? He didn’t spend years at a computer writing scripts with his partner? He didn’t meet people? He didn’t move to LA? Ridiculous! He’s talking to me as if “it can happen anywhere and everywhere… it doesn’t MATTER.” What is he talking about? Sure, I ended up in a production office in Turkey, but it didn’t go anywhere, at least for the moment, and I wasn’t in film, to begin with. Again, I wanted to get into film, eventually, “well so, you could perhaps get a job in film, then?” Was all of that so impossible for this man? Who’s going “I’m HERE” to me as if I were a dog, wanting to be “HERE” for me yet NOT YET — what even was this relationship?

I reject it, I deserved much more than that. No wonder he doesn’t have a girlfriend, I don’t even think he’s ever had a girlfriend. I didn’t get that impression. “He loved someone once,” uh huh. I should have SEEN that. Unless you know what it means to be in a relationship, in fact, I’m not interested in your point of view. It’s a new line in the sand. I’m going to people who know what a relationship is. I’m hanging out with those people. Normal, relationships. No mentorships or whatever this fucking dynamic was I was in. NO thanks. So I’m off, hopefully from work. I need to get this out of my system, whatever this infection is. I gotta bring wipes to open mics, and go, “this is my contribution.” I have a couple of people I’m trying to play with, as I’d like to sing again, but all that’s on hold. Hopefully, I found a night job, it’s just, right now, I need a day job on top of that. I need to make as much money as I can.

When it comes to auditions, that will be its own rhythm, that’s going to take a second, most likely, not unless I end up WOWing some casting director who happens to be, literally, casting the ROLE for ME, and even then, who knows? But sure, I could land on a TV show, STAT, sure, I’m not against the idea. But I have to work on monologues and scenes, work on my identity in that way, and that doesn’t mean I have to give up my job, either, whatever that is. Not necessarily. If I were to get to a point where I could not work, sure, I mean, isn’t that the dream? If I liked it, whatever. All that aside, I can only take it step by step. When it comes to writing, I’m working on finishing this book, figuring out what I want to do with it, what I need to read, so that an agent knows what book it’s like, and that, I don’t know yet. I’m spending time reading around, typing away, a bit, so I can shape it.

Anyway, I felt I got bent out of shape in some absurdist Ubu Roi play that takes place in Beverly Hills. Like how was this going to help me? I just hated that story. I would have been better off, going, yeah no, getting a psychologist who was a structuralist, and not seeing my cousins for a few years, since that was a royal mess — for me. Their belief, disbelief, desire to play parents, no offense, for a season or two? That sucked ass. And now, I gotta go out and try to meet people, that’s usually how jobs happen, I think, or opportunities, and try to make a solid network for myself.

That wasn’t that hard to suggest. I’m 39, suggesting it to myself, whereas these men were a lot older. I wasn’t expecting that deep of a restart with extra shit I have to sort through like this talk of me being repressed. I was a nice-looking girl, asshole, this guru. Repressed how? Dave doesn’t even know what happened there? I blocked things out, yes, I did, so I don’t know — that’s the point. But that’s not what he meant, the sexual trauma question. And that’s where I am now. Around the world and back. So I’ll hopefully talk to this sexual trauma specialist one more time, to just try and understand the body, he said, people can describe something in this range, so??

Dr. Dave is concerned about cysts, maybe? Or anything in my body that might be happening. He also is thinking about the psychedelics. And I’ll see who else I can talk to about that event. Sure, psychosis, but what does that mean? Physically? Heart about to explode? Stomach problems? Intestinal discomfort? That wasn’t that hard. I can’t stand these esoteric, energy people, no offense. Not to say it isn’t valid, but there is a body, so I might as well gain some clarity on that end. Oooo, awakening, belonging, psychosis, people said, when — no one asks: what did you go through? Exactly? Is that so out of reach? So we’ll see.

What I’m trying to assess now, as I’m not done with this book yet, and I ended up not exactly in the most exciting place, as a writer, what would I like to… in that regard? Do I want this to be a supplemental income stream? Do I want to end up at Vanity Fair? New Yorker, sure, that’s just what everyone says. I could try and think about a think piece, like I just read one about “self-improvement” in the NYTimes, America’s favorite passtime, and Jesus Christ, I’m not a fan. I could think about one in that direction, “manifestation” is America’s favorite passtime, or someone’s —I don’t know. I do not know what the obsession is with manifestation. I saw a Netflix show, you see, lol, I had a vision, so will I MANIFEST that? Well, I don’t know, right? I can keep going to open mics, get to a set, go to industry night, see how it goes? “What is reality???” Emerging through smoke. “What IS reality????”

And maybe people will start clapping?? I don’t know how relevant this is. “But what is the reality?? Is it all made up?” I’ll point to orange construction cones, “you see? I even made that up… it’s all made up…it was just like Dr. Ian McKellen said, but about a fictional script, about a movie.” But life is now 100% made up. OKAY? Hmmmm?

Is that relevant to people? For real? Does anyone care about manifestation? MindValley? I mean, in that vein? You can bend reality… okay, again, what has changed? I don’t get — has anyone, can anyone please tell me if you have been able to bend reality? Please tell me what happened. Let’s do a real in-depth reportage. Dave Chappelle, if my psychic senses are telling me correctly, he might find that interesting, he might watch that TV segment. “Who is bending reality? Can someone please tell me?” People come up with good ideas? I’m interviewing Bezos, for sure. That guy made more money than anybody. His divorce settlement? Whatevs to that guy, here’s 38 billion dollars, imagine? No issues, I have more money than God. I believe Bezos is even beyond cash, it just functions. It’s amazing.

I got caught up in this shit because I was in a sex scandal. Come on. I have no idea what structure is. Bezos could flick, like a cigarette, one stock option at me and change my whole fucking life. Then, I’m going to start a foundation, because of it, of course. But truly speaking, that man had a good idea. He says, keep going, so that’s what I’m doing. I just felt so stupid, so stupid. Not so smart. I don’t even think BEZOS would have shrugged at the little pool of money I had, “what about figuring out how to invest it?” Right? He would have given me that homework.

Book? Whatever. Right? Using your money to write a book… slow clap, no? I felt stupid. So that’s that, it’s the time to get smart. And that’s the thing, I can figure that part of my life out. So, when it comes to writing, I’m trying to think about the best way to steer. I feel as though I’ve had to take a step back and consider what the landscape is, figure out how I might — crack through. What job do I need to get to help me get somewhere? Or what job do I get that’s going to bring me somewhere? What can I do… that’s going to work? I suppose I could ask AI. I have. “Reclaiming forty workbook,” lol, I just can’t confirm there’s actually a market for that. However, the rule tends to be, if YOU exist, then there are usually others.

“How to know if you’re in a destructive relationship…”

“Well, if your life breaking down? Is it not building up?”

THINK. LOOK. Where are you? Are you in your own place? Meaning, your apartment? Are you looking for shortcuts in the wrong places? Does it sort of look like an opportunity, sort of look good, are the people around you even saying, it looks cool, but remember, what’s the longterm goal here? Why are you really doing this? What are you seeking? Check your “little darlings” in fact, who are the people closest to you, should they not be? Are they sucking the life out of you? Are there people around you who are a touch too obsessed with drugs? That’s a red light flashing. “Do you actually want to be involved with drugs? Forget the word medicines.” My mother? She was a PILL popper, so you can abuse anything. Are there any GENIUSES around you? MEN, especially, the gender that typically wants to sleep with you. IF SO, is there something strange here? Why are these people in your life? I mean, the guru especially, all I had to do was STOP calling. And this guy wouldn’t have done anything. He wouldn’t have called, messaged, I mean, that didn’t seem to be in his capacity. Just let that go. “I’m a mess,” think, it might not be your fault, you might have gotten into a relationship that is having a bad effect. Pull out. Abandon ship. That guy, he scared me so much. I WAS NOT LIKE THAT IN THE BEGINNING. I WAS NEVER LIKE THAT. EVER. This guy wanting to play guru.

That was quite dark.

And no, “I didn’t do anything,” that’s not true. “The theme here is nourishment.”

Getting into my personal life.

Not really talking… right?

Ouch, that relationship was a major ouch.

“I’m always feeding you…”

Where in any reality would that sound — healthy? WHAT was he doing?

“You cannot disappoint me,” so emotionally, “you have my looooveee….” shaking his hand at me. That man was insane. Why he was role playing some version of my father that did not concern anything, as AT THE OUTSET, I was just someone writing, that’s it, who had no problems, really, I mean I did, but not exactly like that, come on. When had I ever been disappointed in life? HE MIGHT HAVE ASSUMED, but that actually harmed me.

No psychologist dude, is on this guy’s side. The psychologist is, taking a breath, and going, “look, Maria, if you didn’t see that psychopath, you’ve got problems.”

“You got into a bad relationship.”

“Of course he’s not going to call you.”

“Of course…” I can picture someone going, “of course!”

Anyway, I’m off to meet the day, I’m off to keep thinking — I gotta get to BEZOS. High five. I made a fortune on repurposed DVDs… haha. CSI re-runs. Book clubs. You know? People are crafty, they figure out all sorts of things. It’s one thing to say, “it’s impossible,” which was never my VIEWPOINT GURU, but if you have the right attitude about it, you might find an avenue. Do I publish an e-book? Do I start doing that? As someone who came from a sort of funny sex scandal? Who came from a mentally ill family, like here I am, surfacing — nodding at this mental health arena, smiling, going to PHYSICIANS, going to sexual trauma specialists in a world that becomes airy-fairy around mental health. As if there’s no such thing as a body……

Nothing to say.

Who cares if you went through real pain? Not real.

“IN YOUR VAGINAL TUBE, Maria?” lol, Dave. “Did you go through PAIN down there?” Okay, “let’s do an ultrasound…” we’ll take it step by step, and I ended up taking psychedelics, when I might not have been the right person. Maybe these people sent me that message through my website too, but the impact it had on me, that was somewhat remarkable to me. It hit me in the intestines, maybe uterus, as Dave pointed a laser at my stomach, “that’s your stomach, right there, higher up.”

“So, now that we know where…”

I’m thinking this is brain gut connection, I don’t know. I went through a wild set of experiences there. The guru is the type of person who’s basically going to watch you drown, he’s not going to throw you a life raft, he’s not going to call for help, he’s not going to do anything. That’s scary. That’s definitely not the type of person I needed in my life, but “to ME,” he says, at the end of all this, so freaky, “what you went through was Carl Jung’s The Red Book.” His obsession with psychology — dark. Very dark. Like, did he take advantage of me? Do you know what I mean? Because he was SO strange. He was so strange. That guy was one of the weirdest people I’ve ever met, walking around like a guru. He seems to have different personalities, but we all sort of do. He’s just THERE—floating through the universe type deal. That’s NOT the person to get involved with. He should know that.

And again, I’m remarkable, special, why? What does that mean? I could MAKE it, in some capacity, and WHO does not that apply to? In a sense? I’m thinking about my friend, a writer, meeting this person, meeting anyone, what would make him special before he has to do anything? My personality? Was it my stunning vulnerability?

Time to zip it up.

YES, you could say I made a CHOICE.

Evidently, this CHOICE showed me a touch too much, in that no one respects that.

This guy couldn’t have been LESS vulnerable.

This guy couldn’t have been LESS of the type of person to get intimate with, I mean, emotionally. Was he repressed? The way he could take a breath and deliver his text so emotionally, it was STRANGE. THE WHOLE THING WAS STRANGE.

And now, it’s like, am I supposed to reflect on my past? Was this related to…? You know? Anyway, the comedy circuit misses me, goddammit, I believe that. I might not be LOL yet, but I can get there, I believe. I believe I might be the psychic, that the world of comedy has been waiting for, I could work on characters… just thinking about the glasses the guru wore, his brows rising, his energy state, sure.

He was exclusively about ENERGY, it’s really the ENERGY he’s interested in. He’s in the thing itself. “What’s the central energetic frequency??? of this material???”

Anyway, nothing but gold, I’ll try to keep turning this into gold, I’ll keep on even using my imagination to picture a moment where Carlos Santana might applaud, softly, “good for you.” I really turned that around. “Did you hear she has some cupcake business, even?” Oh yeah, I started a booming cupcake business, lol, this is what I mean. I invested intelligently. Something. I’m trying. Money is just so basic. It’s so necessary. I mean, I’d like to buy a house, I didn’t even think in that way in the past, and neither did my friends… over time… so now I gotta aim for a harmonious, thriving, life. In a sense, who cares about a book? You know what I mean?

The whole operation was off, so now, I grain back from my family even, like, hmmm, yeah, that’s a no. That wasn’t helping me. That was a bit strange there. So now, I’m off, I deposited some STUFF, put some of it aside for COMEDY. I have to start tracking my thoughts, putting them down. I’m going to start a budget even, lol, I’m going to track my spending. I’m going to put in what I’d like to do first, how much money I’m targeting to make a month. Again, sure, cupcakes, homerrun, millions, sure, Besoz had no money, at first, this isn’t the issue per se, but I’m not in business, I’m not in entertainment, currently, I’m not in arenas where I might be able to make serious money. Not to say I can’t make money as a writer, but how do I do that? I’m posting my comedy videos because I think i’m a good actor, actually, I don’t look at these and go, “she’s bad, boring,” or something. I just have to keep going. That’s standard. So — where’s the money, for me?

That’s the question. Of course, I’m 39, you know, so I’m in a different place, and of course, if there’s room for me to be inspirational???? I’m looking back at this guru, what are you talking about??? If my story or me, or whatever, might resonate with people in some capacity—cool, that’s great, but where do I go?? Right? How do I do this? Look at me? I went through a sex scandal, Dante’s Inferno, the psychic period, and I came out the other side with wisdom to share? I came from a family disaster. Just a total disaster, forget the details. And I felt that I was alright, actually, I thought that I had made it out, that you didn’t have to become an alcoholic? Looking at people through the years…? You don’t have to become an alcoholic? Is that what you think people like me become? Okay. No. You know? And then I went through this dark period… coming out on the other side somewhat amazed at how present I feel, how confusing that logic was, even in considering these men who came into my life.

Like what are you doing? Why am I discussing getting serious with someone who does not live in my city? Not totally fair play, there, ex. He’s getting all annoyed, but dude, I don’t live in your city. And sure, Paris came to an end, but again, I wasn’t exactly thinking, I wasn’t exactly happy, either, because this wasn’t… what I wanted. None of it. This wasn’t me. Even clothes, I was seen as stylish at times. I have absolutely no idea what to wear. And no, I don’t want my friend’s opinion. So I get to restart, I suppose, I can maybe do something around the FORTY mark, it being a rebirth, the same idea, actually. I’m going to almost be like 17, coming to NYC, the big city, and I’m going to discover, build, and keep going… it can happen for you in your forties, no? I mean, that’s that. I’m coming back bigger, stronger, and hotter, I hope. I’m on Group On, looking at facial treatments, lol, getting rid of my whole closet, really, as I look at some of these articles of clothing — going, “I’m sorry?” You know? A bit fairytale. So I’ll get a credit, get my basics in order, as I don’t even have a sweater. I mean, I had to keep getting rid of stuff while I was traveling like — unnecessarily. There was nothing necessary or useful about “writing” and that’s it.

So be forewarned, you might be enabling someone, more so than helping them, because I was encouraged to operate like this! So I’m rebuilding from the ground up, literally, and the only way I can frame it for myself, as yes, I wanted to succeed, sure, I just didn’t get the Hero’s Journey routine, the precious shit. I’ll see how far I can go, right? Vera Wang started her company in her forties, she obviously loved designing those dresses. That’s kinda the attitude I’m trying to open up to now, what could I do that I’m going to love, what can I build? It’s a different world today, I think, in terms of what one can do, how they can gain notoriety even, rolling my eyes, it’s like, what’s the headline about me? “MYSTERY.” I don’t know.

What I dream about, laugh about? Remember Dave Chappelle going “ohhhhhhh shit!!! OHHHH SHIT!!!” When he appeared at “For What It’s Worth?” He came up from cable, right? I thought, that must be a nice feeling. “Ohhh shit! From a sex scandal! Veering through the psychic period, ohhhh shitttt, I made it! I AM REAL!”

I am real! I did it. And then, I’m looking down at this “illustrious body of people, the Oscar,” hosting them, as someone who was in a sex scandal when I was four. “My people.”

“I found where I belong—entertainment.”

Here, the people are telling me to come closer. Dave Chappelle might see use for me, “just stand there.” So I’m hope I’m right. I thought, why not, why not try to figure out something that might work as a performer? It’s like, the book, sure—

But whoosh, that took me down a dark road.

I’ll keep moving through, you see, at least, when it comes to performers, a story of adversity, intrigue, psychicness, has its appeal, you know? You can use it, so that’s it. I just can’t stand working alone so much, too, it’s a very solo medium, at least how I was doing it, and I hate the internet. I HATE the internet as much as China does.

We’re in agreement there.

AI is changing the world or something. I can barely use a phone. So we’ll see.