I seek stillness, I seek to be alone in my thoughts, every day I relinquish the future as a navigational point as a life approach, encouraged by the guru, as that royally messed with my head. His brother gave me channeler tapes—not a good idea.
I keep shaking that out, the whole wretched psychic period. Let it bring me success on the comedy circuit. That’s all I ask. Let there be some role that magically appears —where she’s in a cult, was manipulated beyond repair, like — I got this.
In the meantime, I picked the monologue I’m going to do for this audition coming up this month. Another thing I had to shake off? The slytherin said I reminded him of Barbara Harris. I’m not Barbara Harris. Instead, I am looking for emotional monologues — big emotional dimension: anger, despair, loss, even to use my current state to my advantage, also somewhat thinking about film and TV. I’d be great in a high stress emergency situation. Firing commands. I’m going to have to put in some work to explore what I’m good at, and what fires me up.
I have to think — casting. I have to pick material that’s going to make someone go: oh.
I picked a monologue that’s super emotional — she can’t have a baby and she’s yelling at her father because she can’t, she can’t stand it. here’s pain in it, despair, and it’s age appropriate. The rule is, start somewhere and end somewhere else, that’s it. I just picked it, because this audition is at the end of the month, so I need to get it off book, get into a rehearsal space a bit, put on ambiant music, become the spirit animal of that character, go for a walk as that character, buy whatever beverage they would buy, is it coffee? Then I have to sit on a park bench and ideate obsessive thoughts about babies… stare at a playground. I need to open the medicine cabinet, specifically, as this character, catch my reflection in the mirror, have a moment. I need to do the routine, I need to write a little description of my father…who I’m talking to… I need to decide how I feel about him.
Then I’ll do the monologue 14 different ways. I’ll push mask, I’ll drop mask, I’ll find one line to deliver unexpectedly. I’m just being ridiculous now. But that’s turning. I have a list of plays to read, as I’ll probably work on a few monologues even for myself as I’m exercising a muscle. I’ll get to scenes, but I need to explore who I am, first, as I have to sell myself for this agent’s class, and this will help — “think x, but x, and a dash of x.” I’ll get my headshot soon, I’ll start putting myself out there. I gotta get to one on one and meet casting directors, yada yada. I’m so excited.
Again, I feel heartbroken, at times, because I couldn’t do it in the past, but it wasn’t an option, so I’m making peace with that, but I can use what I have, so that’s what I’m going to do. I should look at that show with Michelle Williams, maybe, I would go to the hospital with you, I’m the person you call when your life blows up. I would play a good friend. So — I’m going to go to bed, I’m exhausted today, and I’m still figuring out the rest of my life. I wish I had a better strategy writing wise, income wise. I hate working in restaurants, but I have no choice right now.
I don’t have a beat.
I might try and see if I can go on Upwork, or one of these platforms that appears like hieroglyphs and building blocks to me —no sense. They make no sense to me. I don’t understand these platforms at all.
I stopped writing on Medium and Substack because what’s the point?
I don’t actually like writing about this story. I don’t want to write about family, I don’t think. I never did. I keep an open mind about it, but man, that brought me nothing but heartache, break, weirdos. I’m beyond turned off.
On the personal essay front, nothing’s worked out yet, that story doesn’t resonate with anyone, you know? Not like it couldn’t, but I haven’t been able to crack through this, and I, honestly, didn’t care that much. I’ll keep figuring it out though, I think it could make a moving motion picture. I jusst need to find something that works, for real. I need to find a way of making real money. Anyway night night.