How to move forward

Here’s the thing: I understand that I am Joan Didion according to the slytherin I got involved with, and that I should think like her. I also understand that I am Carl Jung, according to the guru…and a portal, channel, and antenna traveling on multiple planes of existence according to the plant medicine facilitator, seriously.

I would have appreciated being able to talk with someone who heard what I was actually saying. Just because, I feel like a child molester story can repel people. Just with my circle alone, I’ve had the worst time —the worst.

Do not expect sympathy or understanding, just don’t, if you come from a sex scandal of any kind. Probably people won’t believe you because you were four at the time, and people made decisions before you could cognitively grasp that…

AND they’ll believe that they are experts on this issue, they will act like they know, it was always the case, even when it was a lie.

But then there’s The Lovely Bones. That’s darker, stranger. In my case, Barbara Harris is haunting/helping me as I grapple with having been in a sex scandal when I was four and how to move forward now that we got through the worst of it.

It’s much friendlier and heartwarming.

In any case, I would have appreciated being able to strategize beyond Joan Didion and manifestation techniques - in that, these men created a mystique around me, the guru in particular, and I’m getting past it, but I find myself struggling with the residue of all this.

I could be successful, they said, I had what “it took,” I could be a star, a successful writer, but the tone was dramatic. It’s just now, now that the fuller story is coming out, I look back at these men confused. Is that what they meant? I was in a sex scandal so I had the type of story that could make me famous? Do you see what I mean? Was there skill? Was this insulting? Like yeah you were in a sex scandal… and it’s not like any of these people told me — you’re an amazing person, even. “Be amazing,” the guru said, “if I choose to be…” he wrote. So I wasn’t amazing, but I could be…? Can someone explain that? As I’m writing about a sex scandal I was in, you know what I mean? I could join the ranks of “the greats” in some capacity. Okay.

Sometimes, it sounds a little weird, because I don’t get the impression that anybody heard what I was saying, so I feel a bit confused. This guru said, get on social media, figure it out. It just feels weird, like I suppose I could look up and see if there’s anyone diffusing content around this subject, but I wasn’t aware that I was going to get to the place I am now… as I came to wake up to all this, meaning, I was a sex scandal, you see, and it feels weird to be diffusing that on social media… because this guru told me to…though he didn’t seem to hear what I was saying… like is this what I should be reaching for in my life? To become a public figure…because I was in a sex scandal.

Look, I mean, I’m working on a show, I would like to keep developing personas etc, especially my “tough mom” persona in aviators. I’m the head of the PTA, I’m training these kids for the school shooter— “this isn’t about avoiding the shooter kids, this is about killing the shooter, fast, you see. So let’s study the shooter, let’s study where’s he’s coming in from, and we’re—taking him out, fast. Real fast.

Picturing some cute kid with glasses having a hard time looking through the lens.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I’m passing out knives, sharp ones, I’m teaching them anatomy, where to strike to kill—fast. “This ain’t the movies kids. No suspense. Strike: here, here, and here, if you must, just take out the feet.” I’m teaching them how to get a gun prepared. That’s basically it. Chewing gum. I’ll work on that character.

It’s less that I have to talk about the stupid sex scandal all the time, but I have to put myself out there…as someone who came from a sex scandal…who just might be Josie Grossie, the real one, who gets a second chance to return to high school. I’m eyeing every teacher, I’m eyeing — every human being as someone who came from a sex scandal. Sure, I trust you. I do, I really do, come closer even. I have a knife on me, all times.

Head of the PTA. And yes, the ghost of Barbara Harris has assisted me in developing the idea. It’s really the truth. So I’ll work on that tomorrow as I’ll be going around to open mics tomorrrow. I still have to breathe and surrender to time and just keep moving everything forward. I just want to do a show about the sex scandal, but I have to work on my skill, actually, I have to keep figuring out how to tackle that, and what’s the best way of going about it.

It’s the social media platform, or navigating how to present myself and it without feeling sort of bizarre… given the subject matter…

Head of the PTA. Imagine the drill? All these kids — boom — Navy SEALs — station their weapons across the windows. “Very good.” It’s poignant even, because why the fuck are kids in this position to begin with…? So lets… in the chem department.. let’s make something that’s going to sting, real bad. Maybe eat through the clothes, something like this, any ideas? We’re going in hard for this one. Me jumping out a window.

Anyway, I feel better after I finished this post. It’s fine, I waiver a bit, because I feel rather alone, but not in a bad way, and I don’t want to present the wrong picture, if that makes sense, but I was in a sex scandal, so. And like, according to statistics, apparently this is a touch too common… right? So I’m not alone out there? Even if I’m struggling with WHERE it might have happened, etc.? I’m trying to think of it that way, I can’t help that I get comic about it, because that’s where my story existed, quite frankly. It’s just the comic dimension has range… it’s not just funny…

It’s a Joker card, I thought, that’s what this story is, and if I play it right, it could go well. Just trying to see a way for myself… and begin to create an identity and help myself build a platform? Isn’t this what I am supposed to do? Like, it doesn’t hurt? It’s just, I can’t help that the story would make someone cringe… if they heard, “she gave me away to someone else because she lied about him being a child molester…” wait what? Um, I mean, “I was in a sex scandal for a few years and I’m picking up the pieces now…”

“And you too can overcome intergenerational trauma…”

Alright, off to work I am.

I hope my hips don’t hurt.