WHAT ARE YOU DOING — WHAT ARE YOU DOING BEING A WRITER? Barbara Harris.
Not that I can’t be, but I really don’t know what means, it sucked, it did, it sucked to feel like I diminished as a person because of the direction I went in. I felt beaten down this past decade, I really did, like I got knocked down, and I don’t think I deserved that. This ex of mine? Now, I wouldn’t even be here — spray, SKUNK, that’s right — GO AWAY. I ain’t your wife. I live in a foreign country, so why are you FISHING over here? With plant medicines?
There’s a shotgun, I have it, Cindy Crawford gave it to me. I know what kind of mother she is, I do, that’s all I know about celebrities, and this one, no way. She’s demanding UPFRONT romantic relationships, she’s wanting to hear of RINGS, PROPOSALS, real shit. This is her daughter, do not be ridiculous. Sex scandal? Imagine? Cindy Crawford would have picked me up — personally, from all this. “Enough.” So I know I have “future fans,” in a sense, and I’m laughing, just thinking about the choices I made. Not the most solid set up there.
I can’t help but regret, though I’m letting that go, the whole situation…. the whole…. thing… doom. So, now I gotta get crafty, and people seem to figure out how to make money, and I can’t quite get there, not yet. The slytherin telling me “you’re good with money,” that was a joke. Come on. I was living for free, somewhere, spending money I didn’t need to spend, on a psychologist who didn’t even have the heart to just admit that I was outside her realm of expertise. I suppose you do travel through a world, and I entered a new world, where now, I’m talking to a specialist, a lot cheaper than she is, I’m not remotely going to start thinking I’m psychic and get… validation.
40 is coming. It’s coming. I don’t care about getting older, it’s more that I am not where I’d like to be, and I felt like I tried, actually, tried to be open to the wrong people. Like, if a relationship doesn’t feel right, that’s not my fault, nor do I need to be made to feel like I have to move continents, when, at the outset, I did not want to be in this situation. You know what I mean? So I made my choices. I keep getting there. I keep getting back there. Overall, despite the problems I had not being there anymore, in a strange way, I feel better here. Finally. Jesus Christ. And I had a score to settle, like, I did not want to regret my life, I did not want to go any further without at least really trying to perform in some direction. And overall, I feel better. I do. I’ll take it as a sign.
And I’ll keep working on a book idea… as that’s all I can do, is give myself the space and time to just conceive. What skills do I have? What do I have to offer? I could try writing some e-books for people who come from shitshows? Like, if you’re family was a shitshow, read this. We’ll get through it. Maybe I can try something like that. I might as well I guess. I’ll download a keyword searcher this weekend, and I’ll see if anyone is looking for resources like that online, on Amazon, or something. “Was your family a sh*tshow?” Is that a good title? “Keep reading.” Did you just bypass foster care? Did you end up in strange patterns you yourself do not understand? Do you hate your parents? Do you hate the term “mentally ill?” Do you find yourself unseen in a world of white people? lol. “I was in a sex scandal, listen up, and I’m going to tell you the whole sordid truth of how I got to the other side.” Right, something? What would have helped someone like me. “STOP.” Tell everyone you’re currently associating with — not today, tomorrow, no. Just say no. I need to take stock of where I am currently.
What I know? As the Head of the PTA? This is my true spiritual animal. The ones who are closest to you — beware. Beware. Are your boundaries in check? Have you gotten too close too quickly? Have they said anything inappropriate or strange? Think. I had to. I needed to THINK about President Barack Obama listening to these conversation and imagining what HE would say. “Hmmmm?” THINK — HOW did you even get to know them. Was that path sensical? Take a good good look at your relationships now. What would President Barack Obama say? Would he approve? Hmm, in my case, I don’t think so. “Not so sure if I’m getting too close there.”
Whoever you respect, if that makes sense, if you have someone you think has a strong sense of character, who holds values, someone you feel like you can trust, in your mind, just think about them — taking a gander at your relationships…what would they say? In my case, it was somewhat obvious. Remember there are many worlds in the world, and everyone is well-intentioned, in a sense, though at times, it’s not easy to believe that, because people dohn’t realize what’s motivating their actions all the time. And that’s me, too.