And so, I saw my friend Charlotte this evening from Paris, France — she has a cool job at Google, she bought her apartment in Paris, and she gets to travel and stay in high rise apartments with views of the city…
I always love seeing her because she turns apero into a mini-meal of snacks: dips and chips, edamame, wine and beer and more. We sat on her roof, inside, and faced the wall of windows overlooking Manhattan.
I couldn’t help but reflect with my rosé, Charlotte didn’t have to deal with psychic talk, that she was a star outside of a context, (as she’s a star at work, yes). She didn’t have to deal with strangely belittlingly talk of being special. She just has a nice life.
She’s met some weirdos, sure, but she even tests at the genius level, even, and she still didn’t attract strange men into her life…wanting to help her…and she was better off, she’s not interested in being “a star” of some kind. And thinking about Joyce Carl Oates, with her fingers resting elegantly on her keys, ready to swiftly write books, I imagine her eyes on these men… “are you talking about my writing?”
“Is this what makes me a star?”
So I might have bumped up against men who liked how I looked. My personality caused problems in my life as well, as I had an inherent nervousness, partially because I didn’t understand why people reacted as they did to me, that story, and I lacked the ability to get over that and tell them to leave me alone, even. I’m in that postion now. “Fuck off.” And that, that simple shift — nobody got that.
How stupid it was, spending what I had inherited from my father, it wasn’t millions of dollars, that was the problem, I didn’t inherit a trust fund, where I wouldn’t have to work for the rest of my life. That was not my situation. But people either resented me for having it, which I didn’t understand, and others encouraged me to spend it. That hurt. It’s like, one year, two years, that turns into more, and we’re talking 15 years, not a few, it’s not that I went wild and spent it like crazy, it just was so stupid. And nothing I did worked, you see, so I hoped now I’ll be able to build, now that I can stay in one place, even, but spending that money was unnecessary. Who cares if I’m Joan Didion? Who cares if I could have a Lamborghini? What about, how are you investing your money? The money that you have. I wasn’t unfortunate, people.
The slytherin and the guru were so obsessed with grandeur, making it, that the BOOK the BOOK would change my life. Sometimes, I want to give up writing entirely because in tackling a profession like that, I ended up bumping up against that kind of energy which was so annoying. Was it not large enough a dream to want to buy a house? She has a great apartment in Paris, maybe she’ll buy the one next door and make two apartments in one. I was so so happy for her.
And here I am, older than she is, in some room.
I was surprised that money wasn’t real to these men as they had money. I got involved with men with money, thinking I might learn something from them, and I really didn’t learn anything except what not to do. None of these men, these geniuses, had the caring thought of saying, “don’t spend your money.” It’s just not necessary. The joke, the real joke was, the slytherin, he thought I was “good with money.” He fancied himself a psychic, like he had powers, too. Between him the guru, I was up to my ears in “specialness.” But he was really off the mark there.
I would have rather stuck to my friends, you know? They might not have millions and millions of dollars, as these men had, but that had a wonky effect. It’s funny, because I talk about “meta-structures” in my book, and gender would be one of them. These men might not be aware of their attitudes towards women, even one that they both found to be beautiful, though of course, they would never admit that directly. Another super annoying point. Cowards. What hurts me, personally? Like I gave a shit about my looks—obviously.
I curled up in this chair with a breathtaking view of Manhattan after gorging out on TJ’s snack and rose, I love the French, I love these long aperos, and she invited me to spend Christmas with her and her family, so I’m going to go, and I’ll spend a few days at her apartment, alone, because she’s going ahead of time to spend time with her family — so I’m going to take her up on her offer. She even bought me a book, an American in France who created a stand-up that did extraordinarily well, and he got a book deal. I’m going to read it. It was sweet of her. I told her I was looking for creative ways to make money. She suggested giving French people tours…
Brimming with ideas, I sat back and listened to her. She’s a generous person, thinking about these strange men I got involved with, where I couldn’t even talk to them about an idea I had, that was the guru, which is part of the reason why I wondered if he ever had friends… so I’ll think about that. I don’t really want to give tours, though it isn’t a bad idea, I feel like — I want to build a career of some kind, not be a tour guide. I don’t get that, the guru said once, in this field of you can make it, why didn’t I read the stories for the New Yorker, or something, like is that really what people believe? That’s the best I can do? Am I someone who doesn’t have a real gift?
I take that to mean that he liked my speaking voice, like I might be able to get into voice over work? I’ve heard that, that I have a nice voice. Charlotte was so excited that I was going to sing again, that I was trying to do that. I told her I was meeting with a few musicians this week, so we’ll see. Her psychic feeling, this thread, was so slight that it didn’t bother me, but if I hear, one more time, any words coming from that state of mind, I’m eliminating it. You and everyone else act like that. It’s not special. Not to say I don’t respect her feelings about a situation, they just don’t mean anything, necessarily. Not to me. I don’t do that to people. I don’t respect it, not anymore. So I don’t know what to say, because — I can’t quite graze who I was to people, as I went through such a profound change in self, so some of these suggestions from people don’t match the bitch that I am. I am a bitch, now.
Read stories for the New Yorker, um, okay?
My book, the one I’m working on, has given me a boost of confidence, but I hated smarts, I hated people like this guru, in fact, I held no respect for arrogance, as my mother was ridiculous. I ran into problems because of it, right? I decided to put myself aside to uplift others — what the fuck was I talking about? I laugh at my younger self. I’m a smart person, so I went against myself. Who I was, you see, wasn’t really me, that was an accumulation of decisions I made based on where I came from. These were “angsts,” that’s what I call them, and I see them in people, and they don’t even realize they are the ones holding themselves back. It’s like an annoying teenager, even if I was younger at the onset, it’s like a goddamn annoying teenager. Angsts. It’s young. “Go ahead, get our your boxing gloves…”
As I make fun of you…
You think you know someone, in other words, but you might not. With a child launching undercover investigations and showing such sophisticated thought processes, would you suggest to them to read stories for the New Yorker? Would you suggest being a tour guide? Even a writer. I wanted to be an actor, right? I wanted to be in film in some capacity because I could direct these characters and experiences into stories… that’s why I didn’t become a psychologist, because stories could reach more people, there was an empathetic quality built in. It wasn’t stupid. The connection and empathy, as a mini psychologist, was the most important aspect of it, especially for someone like me, I thought. I just lost myself…and it was hard to see how young I lost myself… I was better than any of these men’s small dreams. “Think Joan Didion.”
The guru believes I’m Carl Jung though, so why he dared play games with one of the greats though he’s controversial and simply the one everyone knows — I do not know. He was so beneath me, in this regard, sorry. I care too much for people to placate this man, as he actually harmed me in a real way. “I’m special, please,” just get the fuck out. Joan Didion, lol. Ugh, I have thought about going into psychology, I have, as I think I have real gifts in this arena, working with people too, as I think that’s what the tour guide means, though I would also be performing.
It’s just, looking at myself, I don’t know why, but Barbara Harris is a reference, because I see that I have a touching quality—which really got me into trouble, laughing with her in my mind —yikes. This “gift,” you can sort of keep it. “It’s yours.” I do not want it. That brought me major problems, major. My cousin in Italy, he said, “this is your primary quality…” and he didn’t get why I didn’t know that. Well, people don’t know that, you see. Not everyone wants to be touched.
But there’s a place I can direct it, meaning, I didn’t need people to make me MORE vulnerable in my real life. It’s just a quality, and for whatever reason, it really touches people. Someone vulnerable. I’m also working on letting a character emerge from the circumstances of the scene — that’s her, that’s improv. It wasn’t that supernatural, though she might have been, in that she had a condition of some kind that was really fascinating, and I mean that. The women of “many selves.” But I’ll get there, that book, now that I have a clearer idea as to how to go about conceiving of a book, quite simply, outside of “Hero’s Journey” logic, of not blocking the ways “it” could come in. I just have to get through one book proposal. I’m in nonfiction.
And if someone contacts me…in the meantime…that’s great.
I’m marinating on how to get back into acting, so I told her about my plan. I’m still struggling with the basics, though, so I have to keep adjusting my priorities. But first, open mics, because it’s the easiest way to just get up in front of a group of people and perform. Do something. Conceive of a one-person show. Now, I wanted to find a musician or two who wants to go out and get gigs. And then, because I’m going to need to invest on the acting front, I’m going to need to sort of my way of making money, so I can support that effort over there. I’ll need to take an acting class, I haven’t acted in… beyond YEARS. But that’s what I wanted to do…
And it’s Hannah Arendt’s hand that I use in presenting that information.
I don’t know what she’d say to “life is your idea…” I don’t think she’d like that, though Rahel Varnhagen might touch on “her life idea,” and Barbara Harris had one of those: a life statement. “Confidence comes from belonging…” so touching, and she doesn’t get it. Mine might be: there is always a way. Not “family.” We’ll see, there has to be a way, right? That’s what I’m trying to make real.
Like I said to Charlotte, I want to feel smart. Like, what I’m pursuing makes sense in that it’s bringing smart ideas out of me… I see a way. Writing feels, still, I have to admit, like a world I don’t understand. It hasn’t worked, and I believe in searing honesty, too, it helps, I think. Not like it can’t, but what I’m doing, I was telling Charlotte, working for these couple of publications, it’s sooooo not what I want to do. I would let go of them… even, just because I really didn’t want to write in this way. I feel so mediocre. So, no offense, the people I got involved with, I wish I never did.
That was strange.
But your world can configure itself to keep you locked in, in a way, so I got rid of that problem.
I do believe there is always a way, staring out into this cityscape, so I’m trying to think strategy. That’s what Charlotte does for Google. I have to keep developing and clarifying what I want to do, as an actor. I might be a character actor, that’s what my cousins believe that I am, so I have to see myself up there, right? See myself. What kind of roles am I playing? Where am I appearing? You see, I don’t need to be number one, I was never like that, so I like supporting roles, that might not be a bad idea, and I have to work out the rest…
I was watching No Country for Old Men, with that stunning vulnerable monologue that actress gave before Bardem kills her or the vulnerable monologue in that wine movie, you know? I don’t feel like looking this up right now, sorry. I have, but I just woke up. I could play a victim on SUV. I’m just riffing off what I think my gifts are, or I’ll keep working that out. What I’d like to do…
Being an artist might really comes down to having a point of view. That’s what I’m working out right now. What my point of view? As the sun sets over the city. A French person is always appreciating these moments. A good view. I have to keep reminding myself that I came back to really, actually, give myself a chance to perform… it’s just, today, I don’t think I have to struggle financially, I just don’t know how not to do that, given where I am.
I thought about an online course, I thought about digital products, maybe giving tours, it’s just, giving tours… doesn’t sit quite right. I should be able to figure something out — something smart. It’s like, these gurus, I suppose thanks, because I learned a lot from you, meaning, money is a bit of a game, I guess. But you want to make MORE money, not lose it. That’s a good idea to have. Don’t lose it. People do, I know, they lose everything, build fortunes again, I know. I know there’s a story for every person…staring out into the city. So I lost it, cool, I’m coming to accept that, and the way I did might bring people relief because it was so silly. They might laugh.
Especially as I turn to you in aviators, pour frosted flakes into a bowl, and tell you “you’re Joan Didion…” The flakes in the bowl, “all you gotta do is meditate… meditate the money into existence…” and like, looking at this Guru, “are you for real?”
In my case, I spent years meditating and that seriously hurt me, because basically speaking, I was not working. I didn’t need that approach, not someone from my background. I closed in on myself. Go out, learn how to pursue something, and not just writing either, as you might meet someone… even… who might be able to love you and support you even…? Your life can unfold in different areas… you can build elsewhere and that will support the rest of it…?
This is what I mean about having a narrow focus. This is what I mean about SLAPPING some method onto someone without the proper credentials. NOT seeing a world as a real entity, like this GURU came like Godzilla and knocked down columns — destructive. He was a destructive force. He might not have meant it, but in seriously looking back at his choices, it’s hard not to feel like he wasn’t that benign. Ridiculous. This relationship was absurd.
I have to always think of Barbara Harris, though I don’t know how her world functioned, but it was a WEIGHT — mine — most definitely. She’s haunting/helping me right now (lol), that’s what it feels like. And with bright eyes turning towards cowards who would never admit what their beliefs are, “is it real? Is it really Barbara Harris? Back from the dead?” I’d ask them. “Is it real?” I didn’t want to be a private form of amusement, no offense.
Like Jesus, woman, looking back at myself in aviators, “can’t you just meet a guy who wants to sleep with you?” Something simple. “Wants to get to know you…respectfully?” Isn’t giving you drugs in a hotel room claiming this is therapy or some kind of consciousness work? I felt like such a fool. I got so so hurt. Watch out, listen ladies, watch out for “experts.” Really look at this person — are they? Is this person…a good idea? At STEP ONE, that was clear, and I’m the type of mother, as I had to become a fierce one with someone like me, who’s getting up into your face. Enough of this nonsense. Pure nonsense. It’s not my fault, my mother was pure nonsense, my father was absurd, to begin. But that kid, me, okay? Put me through a lot. I mean, stripped me down, so that sucks, so.
When I was a kid, my child psychologist wanted to take me out of my house, when I was twelve. I was scared to bring this all up, you see, I was scared because I had problems I didn’t understand. Was I going to do well with normal parents? Who say, no, who sometimes limit what you could do in life…the possibilities of it all — again, that wasn’t my problem. So I had to become a tough mother, sure.
That’s a mother. I’m flying to YOU, in Chartres? If I am psychic, lol, I’m definitely finding you, I don’t give a shit where you are. I’m calling your friends, “where is she?” I will find you. I’m sending texts to my husband on the train— “absurd. She met a plant medicine facilitator who giving her drugs in hotel rooms.” I’m laying it down, I’m dragging you back to get help. Who the fuck is this? Psilocybin? What the fuck are you doing?
I’m not a cool mom. Not when you come from a sex scandal. I’m the head of the goddamn PTA. This makes sense. Let someone tell me to “work on something.” Like, you gotta “loosen up…” progress.
I was not a fluid type. People put that on me — I came from a BACKGROUND for the love of God. It’s called a BOUNDARY. I got involved with IDIOTS. Fluid, lol. Barbara Harris was. I just don’t know how much of that was drugs, too, since she was on drugs for most of her life. But she was, she was a real fluid, but a boundary, that concept, would have taken a lot of pressure off her. I just don’t always get the obsession with chemicals, when she had structural problems, a perfectly legitimate entry point. Boundaries. I just didn’t think about it in relation to myself.
Now, I think because of the plant medicines, though I can’t totally track all the goddamn factors that contribued to my world end… but NOW I deal with a bit of a fluidity that I just did not need mixed in with the “future writing the past,” and this story that I could become “a star,” when these people might not have known what the writing world was… it’s hilarious, I’m sorry. They hardly read anything before encouraging me to become Joyce Carol Oates. Maybe just write a book, first?
You know, like, “no worries…”
Another former friend of mine, he believed I was a movie star, you see, and I didn’t want to be one… but like, do you want to be an actor? I was so confused. But there are people out there who believe I am “a star…” and I sort of…want to sit somewhere… and make people laugh. So I guess some people had very strong feelings about me… so????? Strange, looking back on it all. My mother was a fantasy person — her eyes in the stars— she was in the stars, took herself to be A GENIUS THE GENIUS OF ALL GENIUSES — so this shadow followed me.
Again, looking at my friend Charlotte, who might be a genius, in a sense, in that, she tests high… she’s not dealing with all this. I get the sense she likes me better, now, even my toned down way of dressing, my long hair — I’m telling you, if you have curly hair, just watch out. Watch out. Play AGAINST type, that would be my suggestion. Sure, I’m on the ground floor, and she’s doing really well, she built well, the evidence is in her life, but I can change that. She asked me if I’m liking NYC, and I do. I’d rather be here, now that I’ve stopped operating nonsensically.
She travels for her job, she might move to London, she’s got a cool set-up. But these men I met the last decade, absurd, in how they encouraged me to my doom. Figure out what you wanna do, what you want your life to look like? Before blowing someone out with drugs… wanting a wife…even…through this… like WAKE UP IDIOT. This is mother Maria — getting out of a car — I know where you are.
“Does this WOMAN,” pointing at me, “LOOK like YOUR WIFE lad?”
She’s got PROBLEMS.
“Get in the car.”
My husband and I will have fun. “Ridiculous!”
I had to get warrior on my ass. A sword. “Ridiculous!”
“Who the fuck is this?”
Before you administer drugs or insist that your world view is correct, be a kind person and LOOK at the person in front of you. “Is this a good idea?”
Just this guru, I want to ZORRO this man, like coming in with talk of ABSOLUTE TRUTHS when that’s so not true. Is it TRUE IN THE ABSOLUTE??? Ever been on a goddamn plane??? Seen another WORLD, “OHHHH, WOW,” it’s not that hard.
Only you know how it works. Not like I haven’t found interesting pieces of wisdom out there… but only YOU can FIGURE OUT how YOUR life works. I would suggest leaning on action more so than mental processes… get active. Action solves everything, I think that’s a good line from Rockefeller.
As an Arendtian, as I am, I think I shut down as I reached college because I could not appear in the world. The active man, that’s what she writes about. That’s what the political sphere is about, so what happens when someone CAN’T take action in the world due to systemic oppression of some kind.
In this case, it was annoying, because it was about child abuse or shameful family problems. People didn’t SEE me as real. No offense. These gurus did not see me as a real person. Terrifying. ME looking back, this so-called psychologist I was working with? Just please. Money-hungry. Surrounded by really really nice art. No offense.
If you’re not qualified, as she admitted, don’t practice. Admit it, I’m not someone who is qualified to work with someone with these complex family issues, you’re going to want to find someone who is. Because, in a sense, lady, her client was a drug addict, sure he’s a genius, so he has special needs, but let’s be real. WHY are YOU here? “An elite experience.” This slytherin called me “elite” I just needed to get into the right rooms. “Cool.” Hand on my heart in aviators at some exclusive club in NYC with an impressive library. Lots of wood, portraits of hunting.
I’m laughing at WHO my husband would be… as I emerge from the shadows… with all this crap around me.
“Cool.”
Again, thinking about Charlotte… she didn’t have to deal with this shit.
“You’re elite…”
Charlotte would not know what to do with that. “Why?” She comes from a good family, too, so I suppose I didn’t, right? Is that the “class thing?” I’m sort of in the wild wild west, my friends, my family supersedes class. I’m chill, on that one.
It’s nice, it’s funny, but I… found myself in…these situations.
I was…”above my station,” I believe…? But I would need an in. Sure, I guess, wondering — why is this important?
Now I’m trying to find the right rooms, ones that make sense. I hope I get there. I KNOW I’ll get there. I got that tip from a manifestation person. Sure.
I’m still working on my movie bible about these years, as I think it would make a thrilling picture, unusual, Heavenly Creatures, something, so — I think there are a variety of directions one’s life can go, actually, where a person could do really well…
I’m just trying to tune in, yes, and feel into what feels abundant. And be careful, it’s less the person in front of you that’s consciously wanting to keep you locked into some old idea, but I find myself saying “no” a lot.
You just want to make sure the person is operating basically speaking. I didn’t mind the slytherin, actually, but, hm, handing me drugs, or looking for someone to do drugs with, no thanks.
Not cool.
I was NOT the person to treat casually. Be real.
I would never be here, you see. Sure, you want to get a coffee sometime???????
The guru was — an automatic no. After the first time — that was a “no.” That was a boy who needed the video game controller taken from him. I don’t get what happened there, but that got dark. My friend, an empath, yes a man, could feel it.
“There’s darkness here.”
So that’s my thought for this morning. I am no longer a slave, lol, to some weird routine around me “being a star” or “above my station” or “some fantasy girl,” or whatever that was. Hannah Arendt at least would feel relieved… like people lose the thread between real and fantasy. I suppose there’s Dr. J in there. If my means of operating brought me results, that would be one thing, but it didn’t…
I want to have a nice life with a house, someone I love, like it would be cool to have a mansion in Malibu, sure, Charlotte would come visit, but I don’t know… if that was...it was the future obsessed navigation and not building from here. All the “magical stuff” that could come in, I have no problem with. Charlotte might end up with a house on the coast, sure. She built well, over time. Bezos: broke, sure, for a while, and then he made it big, baby, he really did. Congrats. I hope I’ll do the same.
But didn’t that sound so confusing?
I think about Barbara Harris, I really do.
I hated what I learned about mental health, about patriachal power or constructs, about how real the world is. It’s not always empowering.
“So, now, we know,” bowing to you at this NYC club in aviators — “I’m just a very white woman… nothing that dramatic here.”
“Thank you, but not, don’t take it personally, for getting affected by my family story and my touching personality…? My OBSCENELY large talent…? Though we don’t know where or how it applies? My looks? Unclear, sometimes. Psychic, though, I was psychic—that was for certain.”
Not the slytherin. He was the real psychic. No worries. Good for you.
Charlotte might be a slytherin, I believe.
I’ll be, uh, going now.
The guru believes I’m “divinely inspired because I was born to parents who were not there… ”
I’ll leave you on that note.