It’s hard for me to go to sleep this evening after that first shift. I’m up, I’m drinking hot milk, I don’t want to be here. I actually wish I just said no, I don’t want to work at this location. I would rather stay in the original spot I was working. All that to say, I’m figuring out life right now, as the panelist suggested that we do, first, before anything else. Figure out what’s going to support your efforts. I hate everyone, right now, not the people I work for, not at all, but the people I got involved with. But it’s temporary. That I know. I established. I made that super clear. I’m just filling in until he finds a permanent replacement. And I just have to keep moving fast. I need to calm down and go to sleep. It was so unnecessary — I think back on these men I ended up spending time with, and I just do not understand it. I suppose it looked shiny, in some capacity, like these men thought THEY could teach ME a thing or two? Absurd. I got caught up in power plays — stupid ones. So I’m having a rough evening, tonight, but I’m going to wake up and apply for some new jobs — just to keep the momentum moving forward — I hate this screenwriter I met with a passion. A total lunatic. Not safe. That was not a safe man. Anyway, I wish I had something I could take to help me sleep. I have to sleep so I can close tomorrow. I really don’t want to. So, again, I’ll plough through, I’ll keep looking, I’ll keep trying to think about this moment, this moment in my journey as a bridge, I’m getting some assistance from the universe, in stirring me up, I don’t want to be here, I need to change my priorities momentarily. I need to find another job. So that’s it, let me rest a while. I just need to find another job. I hate anxiety, it’s just, the other job is so much calmer. I can’t do this. I wish I had someone right now, a boyfriend, I just hate this past decade, I keep saying that, and everyone I met. Even today, my friend Jo and I both expressed how much we hate my ex, like, the psychedelic thing, why? Why did I have to go down that road? We both hate that guy. I hate that guy. It’s momentary. And worse comes to worse, I say, look, I tried it, and I really don’t like it, what can I do? I’m just being honest, because, you know, I’m so positive, and I reached out about working there again, and the other place is much calmer and much more my speed. However, it’s temporary, I keep repeating, I just hope that I will make more money there, if I’m going to stay up later, and work a machine. I’m going to try and go to bed now. There’s a happy ending, version, I know, of this story. Mine. There is a happy ending, and that’s what I seek the most. I did not deserve these men. I did not deserve these people. Users. After this tight weekend, I’m going to prioritize my basics, which I am, but I need to prioritze whatever’s going to make me money. Real money. The guru was the worst thing that ever happened to me. These older men who came into my life the past decade, I just didn’t any of them.
I just need to keep taking deep deep breaths, because I have no idea how I got here. And I’m going to stick to my plan, because in the end, in reflecting back on it, I need to be in my own space a minute. I didn’t need to walk for hours and then work for hours on my feet. Thinking back to my friend. I just didn’t need that. I need to look forward, and keep figuring out this immediate moment. So off to try and calm down and sleep. I want to fall in love, I really do. I didn’t want men who wanted to help me, what woman would?