I woke up this morning, at 8:30, because it doesn’t matter when I go to bed, I’m going to wake up always around this time. I can’t help that. So, I tried working at a bar for a couple of days, and I just can’t do it. I love them, I love the bar, but I’m feeling pretty wrecked this morning, and their other location is much easier on me. I can’t work until 4 AM. I don’t want to be around alcohol, I can’t totally take the high energy, my nerves. I feel exhausted today and I have to work this evening. I have an audition tomorrow too. I don’t know what to say, but that’s a no, and I wish I listened to my body actually because I had such a strong reaction — like, no. But I tried it, I told myself to be a little open here, and I came out of the test run extremely clear about it. It’s a no. It’s going to take a second to figure out my life, for sure, not to say that “things can’t click magically” — remembering the stupid guru, like my mindset is driving everything and everything, but I don’t have a problem with that, however that thinking made me feel utterly crazy, and it was NOT my problem. I truly hate the guru, I do, I still do — I want to take a bat and smash his windows. I couldn’t even believe how that man treated me. I don’t give a shit, not in his case.
And look, right now, I have to take care of myself, so I have to keep finding better jobs, so I don’t have any real loyalty right now to anyone, especially when it comes to restaurants. I don’t actually want to be here, personally, working in a restaurant, but I have to, right now, and in the spirit of making as much money as I can, I need to work somewhere that’s going to allow me to get a full-time job. I’m going to have to make as much money as I can, it doesn’t matter if MILLIONS of dollars can fall from the sky, normally, all that takes some time. Julia Roberts made, 50k? On Mystic Pizza? I hated this guru, he was the worst thing that ever happened to me. And let him now become the BEST, I don’t know why. That’s how I’m supposed to approach adverse experiences. It’s not the EASIEST, necessarily, making a bunch of money? If you really think about it. And this man who invested my money in crypto, he utterly failed. He made me nothing. In fact, I don’t even know why he did what he did, like investing my money in the way he did was stupid. I get my stupid ex got lucky, and he made an extra 200k which to me, that’s a lot of money. If I had 200k right now in the bank, I would be feeling much better about myself. I have nothing. I’m not 20, either, I’m 40. I made absolutely stupid decisions, and the people I got involved with got their panties, yeah, the guru, he most certainly got his panties in a twist over a stupid childhood, which only makes him look — retarded. I was NOT “that person.”
Degrading. Sure I was Lady Gaga, I don’t understand this man, I was capable of making it, he wanted to jack off, basically. That wasn’t my problem. He only made my life worse. He didn’t bring me anything positive, nothing.
Anyway, another rant about that jerk. I’m going to have to borrow a bit of money this week, just to get through the end of the month, I think, I’ll see tomorrow when I get paid, but I’m a little nervous with the auditions I had to pay for. For the moment, maybe something else will pop up, that I’ll feel it necessary to jump into, but I think I’m going to take a step back and get into a rehearsal room and work the material for my open mics, think about a show, and catch up on this “get an agent” class, as I have to get scenes together, tape myself, and research who would be a good agent for me. But more so than anything else, I have to figure out my finances, fast. I don’t want to work for peanuts, and that’s what I make, as a writer. I don’t feel like I have a beat, and no, who gives a shit about my family? I don’t even care to talk about my journey — I mean my relationship with that guru was — horrific. It was 100% terrible. Why would I want to spend time with that man? He wasn’t exactly warm, he wasn’t exactly talkative, and I don’t trust him, I do not trust that man, at all. He was a superior, deranged, yeah, man. If he thinks that was a nice move he made, he’s not in tune with reality, at all, and he should stop meditating so much. It’s not helping.
Anyway, I wonder what his reputation is. I wonder how people feel about him.
So I lost everything. I lost my money. Over time, too, that was so stupid. I have no idea why these people encouraged me to spend that money AT ALL. These money hungry plant people, these psychedelic people, they were so money hungry, sure, they gave discounts, even let people do it for free, but again, if I was the “poorest one” there, why was I there? And why was I always paying? I absolutely hate these people. I think they’re full of shit. I don’t even care about writing that much, to be frank, and okay, so I could be famous? That’s the feedback I got, vaguely speaking? Okay, that was stupid and unnecessary. I keep working on books, on a book, but I don’t find this exercise straight forward, at all, so I wish that people would shut the fuck up, and not project all over a person the second they appear. WHO wants to be treated like that? I’ll keep figuring that out, and I don’t even think that my mindset is bad, poor, I was shocked — I still am — that my life unfolded like it did.
And if it turns out to be true about my parents, I don’t even know how to remotely talk about that, and these men were totally idiots again, as they didn’t even HEAR what I was saying. Putting that story “out there,” stupid guru, caused me more problems than it was worth. I’ve been trying to use social media, and I’ll continue to, I don’t know, see how it might help me? But the guru telling me to get on social media — I hate this man. Even when I got out of the hospital, that man, it seemed, ONLY wanted to mess with my life. Why would you tell someone who just got out of the hospital, after spending months mentoring this person to the point of death, quite frankly, to get on social media, now. Why would you encourage that person to travel? I’m telling you, that man was mentally ill. Like sometimes, I get — I don’t know how this man could have taken advantage of me, sexually, except we had a drink, typically, after our meals. I just went through so much, and when you’re already wondering if your own parents took advantage of you, who’s someone else?
I was not ASKING for his career advice, and no one should take it.
So I had to go through a fair amount of heartache and pain. WHY? You know? I look around, and I think, there are very attractive people out there in the world, very successful, so I don’t understand why these men felt like what THEY did was going to help me at all or I’m just astounded at these gross men. Why me? Because I came from a background and I was too nice? If you have a problem with my personality, that’s not my problem. I’m just sad, these days, because I have to admit, I feel at a loss — I don’t want to write, exactly, though I’m working on writing, I don’t want it to be my job, and I haven’t built anything. That was hard to realize. All the same, I was trying to think last night, at the bar, with music blasting, what do I want to do? What I can do writing wise. What I can do work wise that has any kind of mobility, any kind of growth potential. No offense, but I will be fifty in ten years. I don’t want to be poor, I am poor — now. I wasn’t POOR ten years ago, my ex was such an asshole. Nothing but — people wanting to strip me of my power, nothing. I mean, just the stupidest decade. Not fun at all. What a retard, this guru, “spend your IRA money” to complete a book? What kind of lunacy? Money is pretty real, isn’t it? If it weren’t, why would the GURU keep such a strong hold on it? Why not just spend it? If it’s so easy to make? He’s not acting like that. So why did he act that way with me?
I couldn’t believe these older friends of mine — they were stupid. There was literally no point in spending the money I had. I feel so stupid, it’s hard, sometimes, it really is, I feel so dumb. Now I have to figure out how I’m going to make money, for real. I look at my friends, too, the people I chose to be friends with, and they just look pretty stupid to me, I’m sorry to say that, where my friend has no money at 40, too, and her parents still support her, and I’m just shocked, not everyone is interested in money, I understand, but when I think about my friends, some of them, I go, “yeah I’m not that big of a fan.” One of my friends has done really well for himself, so. I still can, I know that, I know I can make money, I just don’t know how. I’m going to try a couple of avenues, I’ll work on a digital product, right now, I’m thinking “how to write a memoir” mostly just learning from my own mistakes. “Do not take the book out of your head,” this was soooooooo stupid. STUPID. Just read. “A book is a psychological object,” this Hollywood guru was deranged. I don’t know how he writes his scripts. I just look back and go, why are you so obsessed with manifesting? Bending reality? I just don’t understand it. It was a bit too much there, like it’s time to stop playing Zelda. I’m going to see if I can make money online, somehow, and I think I’m going to prioritize that, over books, or my creative projects right now as that’s, I don’t know, that didn’t help that much, I mean I’m still working on them, but I do not want to be broke, I do not want to work in a restaurant, I do not want to be here. I don’t have a family of my own, like who gives a shit, I don’t have kids, and I have no money, like no money, so my life feels pretty much like failure right now. This is NOT how I wanted to feel. And when I look back on some of these relationships, I only want to hug myself, that’s it, like I’m so sorry, because I got involved with weirdos, truly, true weirdos.
So I gotta make money, I gotta prioritize money, and I have to keep figuring out how I’m going to turn this decade around, but for the moment, I do not want to work in that bar, that was a no. I thought if it was a real club, or something, somewhere where I could make real money, that would be a different story. I got a job offer to be a financial advisor, hilariously enough, and I decided not to go through this training, and commit, because I needed to evaluate how I wanted to move forward, and they would pay for my certification process, it’s a career change, most definitely, but they all seemed so so nice. Nice people, talkative, warm. Their door is always open, they said, and now I’m wondering if I should take the interview and see how I feel. I get sad, though, because I didn’t want to live my life like this. I had a lot to offer, I felt, actually, now I don’t know. I just mean, I don’t know what to do. I’m still kinda shocked at how I feel, generally.
I need a day job, even, because I have to network, I have to meet people, I need to go out, more, actually, I think. I have to figure out — I don’t want to settle, I don’t want my life to feel that way, and so, I’m trying to just keep moving. I’m almost 40. If I simply didn’t touch the money I had, I could have bought a house, at all, even one to flip, I probably could have done that way back there. It’s like, who cares about supporting a writing career like that? I wish I had had a different attitude towards that money, and I’m still grieving it, because I feel so terrible, I really do, I feel so terrible, so I’m going to try my best to figure out my finances.
So I’m done today, I’m trying not to do this too much, but I have to figure out what I’m doing, and I gotta look for jobs, I don’t know what to do. I don’t even have a house. And so I totally failed, I really did, and I got involved with destructive forces, and it’s hard for me to accept, basically. I have to get a coffee and go for a walk, actually, and try not to get too sad. I need to keep carving a way, I have to keep trying to think smart, as a smart person, how do I flip this situation? To my advantage. In a sense, I feel that potential, like, something could switch, actually, and I might be able to find myself where I’d like to be. Maybe I should think that way, and see what might come up. Like, my EPIC piece, that makes sense, as I’d theoretically like to go into film, you know? Things to think about.