Alright, I just completed another shift at another restaurant bar as the restaurant I work for in a part of a small group in New York. They’re a group that’s under the radar, though they are known in their industry. But they thought, my bosses, that if I split my time between these two locations, I would make more money that way, and for the moment, who cares? I’m in need of it, and they genuinely like me and respect me, and the second location would be temporary. That’s the way I want to keep it. So I laid down a boundary around it, and so, I’ll only be there short term. It’s just until they find a more permanent replacement, as someone unexpectedly left, and people typically work with this company for years, which reflects positively on them, so an opening suddenly opened before I even started at this other restaurant, you see, and with that location, I thought, “no,” I’m going to keep that at bay, actually, so I might be there a couple of weeks, a month, but I imagine they’ll cover their bases quickly, and I’m extremely transparent, I can’t even help it, I’m so honest, and tonight, I wondered, I need to take a breath, I’m a touch too honest. I don’t need to prepare and plan, and consider the other, strangely, lol, I realized. My boss, a very attractive guy, sort of otherworldly looking, actually, like he could appear in a fantasy flick, he’s sort of unmoveable, not sensitive at all, so his chill groundness stirred me up a little, as there’s no problem with that guy, zero, that guy has zero problems, and that’s a little goal, right there. This guy. So the spot is just a touch too intense, I prefer the other location, and I have to be able to keep my objectives in mind. I don’t want to get roped in, essentially. I have to get out of the situation I’m in, not stay, I have to keep moving. And that’s what I keep telling myself. I’m going to keep looking for jobs, too, even other restaurant jobs, not because I don’t like them, but if I have to do it, I have to keep my horizons open for places where I could make more money, even. I don’t know what that means, but I want to make real money. So I’m going to have to — build. And that happens over time, which is the piece of advice I had received through all the spiritual bullshit I heard. We build over time. Doesn’t matter, how much you make. And I was blown away, just blown away by these so-called geniuses and their so-called wisdom. Like if all you have to say about me is that, I’m psychic, like this is what I amounted to, no offense, but I thought — wow, of all the…
It’s hard to explain. As a psychic, supposedly, one of the most psychic people on Planet Earth, this is what these people, MEN, told me, you’re afforded one life. That’s it. There’s wisdom there, even from the perspective of the soul, meaning, you’re in it for the long-run, you’re going on a journey, but you have one. And to me, your life is s series of choices, so just remember, you’re making them. It doesn’t have to be that way, most of the time, no one is making you do anything, so take caution, as to who you let in, especially if you come from a complicated debut, because, if my experience taught me anything, it’s that, you might not even get it, what it is you’re doing, not at all, like your whole life id designed to hold you back, your whole life is not good enough, literally. The relationships you’re choosing aren’t helping you.
t can’t change where I am, but I can move fast, that’s what I keep telling myself. I walked down 8th Avenue in the West Village, I felt like I was a smart person, and there are a lot of people out there who aren’t, smart, and I really wasn’t, not in my opinion, smart, and I still struggle with anger, because I met false wisemen, truly, just people with problems, even if they had money or whatever, other people have money out there… who aren’t interested in “mentoring” me or whatever this strange shadow was… why? I’m special? Look, I haven’t done anything yet, and are you attracted to me? Then why are you treating like this? So what was this? I didn’t understand these men. You believed I was a genius artist? Why not just say that? Make a phone call. Why was he giving me drugs? I mean, why was I doing psychedelics with him? Like I didn’t, um, I’m not this person. I’m not going to do drugs with you. I’ll meet you for tea. And I’M actually AWARE that drugs affect you, beyond when you take them, so it was obvious that it wasn’t working for me. Again, I got the picture, they had STRONG feelings about me, and I don’t know what to say about that because that’s the weirdest response. It’s like the guy who whipped out his dick at me on Instagram messenger when I asked about a sublet, like, why can’t a guy just ask me out on a date, something normal?
So I feel like I’m still unprogramming myself a little bit, where I can’t quite trust anyone or anything, and I don’t really want to be here, at this time of my life, so I have to keep moving. I have to overwork a moment to recuperate financially. Sure, everything’s going to work out, I can bend reality, with my mind, but I hated these men, I really did. I was angry at myself, I really was, I still am — angry at myself. I don’t care about accolades, in a sense, I’m not Dr. J. And yet this women haunted me, sometimes, in men, too, these men — these crazy dudes. Get over yourself. That was the major note, the major piece of feedback I’m giving back to these men…. these older men…. and it wasn’t even sexual. Why am I here? Truly speaking. Like sure, my childhood was crazy, but relax. Relax, generally.
So I’m taking a deep breath, because I need money, it’s immediate, and I need to spend a month landing, making money somewhere, and keep looking for work, keeping hustling, there’s nothing I can do about where I’m at, and I’ll probably be saying that for a moment, because I have to build, I have to expand my mind, obviously, I have to keep reaching, that’s a basic point. I’m a structuralist, I see how as an architecture, it’s not a design, it’s physical, and I believe in responses, I do, like you keep building, and magic can happen, in a sense, but action is what makes that happen, thought, yes, I think your thoughs play into your sense of focus, how you’re moving through the world, what you notice. I have to keep going, I have to finish the work I’m writing, and I think the chapter I posted from Xmas in Naples is a Sport is good, that was closer to my vision for it.
So I feel as though I’m moving along, and yes, anything can happen, sure, theoretically, a job could burst into existence, that’s just a strange way to live, but I’m holding a space for that too, I’m trying to think creatively as to how I can make real money, but that’s the basic goal. I don’t know how else to put that. So think about that. Because, if you’re around people who want you to deplete your resources — beware. These people might not be so aware, as they think they are. I met false wisemen. The wisemen I met did not aide me, this was a false chapter, I don’t even know HOW I ended up there, to be frank. I was not an aesthetic person, exactly, it’s hard to describe, in the higher realm of thinking, the psychedelic group I was in, that was a strange detour. WHY are you even letting me do this? It was strange.
I keep moving forward. For the moment, I’m going to finish this EPIC piece, because I’d love to get into film, and I’m going to get back into performing step by step. I have to get basically settled, I have to keep myself on my toes, so I have three auditions coming up, and I have to jump in, not hesitate, not be totally prepared, even, but next step is — signing up for an acting class so I can work a little bit, and I’ll be in a rehearsal space, speaking out loud, working on material, just shifting focus a moment, taking a second to consider what I’ve learned and work on material, prioritize that, and continue putting myself out there as much as I can.
Keep myself on my toes. Keep getting OUT of the situation I’m in. Don’t stay. Just keep my focus beyond this step. It’s a plateau, if that makes sense, a point of stability, which was something I needed, and it wasn’t that hard, it was even essential, to FIND stability. It wasn’t that hard. You are where you are, but you don’t have to stay there, so I feel like I’m in the place I wish I was when I was young. It helps to write during this time, to digest my experiences as I’m seeking to make big changes in my life, so I can continue to navigate and negotiate what it is that I have to do, and what it is I want to do, how I want my life to look, so I don’t get too comfortable. So hopefully this other job will speed my efforts up, like I have to priortize finding the job I want, another kind of plateau, so my night work becomes something else. I need to make extra money, I need to save money. I can’t change that I wasn’t POOR, do you understand? Again, the choices i made over the past fifteen years, I just, found these wisemen I met to be stupid, they weren’t that invested in me, no one is, though they put on a show, hard to explain, I didn’t need their guidance, I needed something else entirely. Basic.