I saw my friend, and it went really well, I expressed that I was angry, actually. I didn’t exactly put it on her either, only that this time has been particularly difficult in bridging real gaps, which we did. I felt she never — at Riverside — ever reached out to me as a friend, and that I was trying to allow change to happen, positive. She felt like I’ve never been in town, that she actually has, and what are you supposed to do? She understands, at least, that a relationship goes two ways. She needed to talk about her relationship, which she did, and she wanted to connect with me — and we did. She even apologized if she failed me in some capacity back there, which was touching, though that language, but no one I know considers me like that, if that makes sense, so I appreciated it. So we reunited, reconnected, and I think it meant a lot to the both of us, and look, I don’t know what to say, because if that’s true in some capacity, like, no, I don’t want to always talk. And it’s been frustrating with a couple of friends, and listening to her girlfriend’s side, as a Black woman, I could nod and sort of understand actually, in that, what I’m saying isn’t being understood even if IT’S IMPLIED, but of course, she was on the phone with her ALL DAY, and I had to laugh. But she and her girlfriend got to more solid ground, so I was happy to hear that, but they’re finding their footing too, and she wants to see me more consistently, and I really wanted to as well, even if I gotta keep finding my basic set up. I just felt good abou it, I felt good even that she pushed me into presence, it’s fine, actually. As she was saying, she believes in dynamics, which sometimes her girlfriend has trouble with, because there’s you and me, too, so I had to admit that some of my edginess is me, for sure, but feeling like someone isn’t HEARING what I’m saying, around the reality of what I am processing, was a bit of a headtrip. So, that’s fine. It felt really good to see her, actually, and I need to feel like I have a real friend, you know?
All’s well.
We’ll keep rebuilding, and it feels really fortifying to see the potential for growth and even a deeper intimacy between us, as friends, so that’s a solid response from the universe, or structurally, in that, my relationship circle has felt out of whack, and I landed with someone solid. I said, like, I hate that I’m leaning into the sex scandal, as I’m pretty clear as to what that was, now, but what am I supposed to do? It’s not easy putting myself out there in that way when I feel like I’ve only been shut down. But I’ve had to accept that it’s just not easy for people to respond to… so our relationship is very equal, in a sense, where we both exist, and there isn’t any hierarachy of needs or problem with the two of us being there, if that makes sense. I’m fine admitting that, I’m having a tough moment reconnecting, because no one treated me like I went through something real — like I’m going to a physician, and I’m just trying to make sure I’m alright, and I’m angry at Bellevue, because I’m reading that there’s overlap between psychosis and repressed trauma, and if they actually EVALUATED me like DOCTORS would, they could have come to SOME diagnosis, shit like this. It was maddening. People acting like I went through some court dance, routine, in some novel, it was maddening. She says, she feels like she tried, so I have to make room for that, but I was defensive, but I mean, “what DID you go through?” No one knows. People acted like they KNEW when the hospital didn’t even ASK me anything. Maddening. And I feel so different and CLEAR as a person and I don’t know what that means. My friend is on medication, I’m not. She feels a lot better, as she’s needed mental health support, whereas I needed to get to an OPEN MIC. That was — the 80s high tech Star Wars buttons lighting up — recaliberating.
I needed some response from my friend circle. Some recognition. Someone who I could truly talk to, who I could be there for, too, as — WHO wants to be the ONLY one there? I do not understand these people. WHO wants to be ALONE in their relationships?! So — I feel really happy, I felt so happy about my audition, and I keep wanting to be happier. Now, I need to meet someone, romantically, I gotta keep settling, stabilizing, structurally, it’s not exactly mental, it’s structural, so I can put down another block. That’s basically where I’m at, but I’ve been prickly, sure, I’ve been smoothing out some of these meeting points. I need to leave and get to work, and I have to keep going. It’s just looking back, I don’t even know who that was, you understand, who that person was, so it’s a little strange for me sometimes, so I’m still adjusting, trying to lean into my hottness as my inner Scorpio is supporting me in doing right now… I’m trying to get out of a messy mode, and trying to embrace where I am now. Happy—real friends, and to mention Obama again, on the psycho spiritual plane, you have to be open to things getting better, right? In terms of relationships, that you start to change, you change your operation a little, and it might actually change your life, it’s more being able to allow for people to show up for you, change, and sometimes these naturally happen… which is what you want, in most cases. Calling my mother a bitch, I fucking told JO — I sent this bitch SUBJECT ONLY EMAILS to hopefully yeah— PUNCH HER IN THE FACE — was that true bitch?! You know? The world wants to see a mother daughter SHOWDOWN. This I know — this bitch wrapping me up in a sex scandal.
Regardless, I went through a break down — SWAPPING AWAY THE TALK OF AWAKENINGS BELONGING CARL JUNG’S THE RED BOOK. Even if I woke up to trauma in some capacity, even if I was waking up, I went through a structural collapse, my whole world came tumbling down, but if YOU LOOK BACK, which I did, that happened OVER TIME. And she’s doing well, she seems very solid and present in her relationship, she feels as if she’s grown up, quite a bit, and she’s contending with embracing her adulthood, basically. There you go.