So this morning, with my cup of tea, not coffee twat, I will be rehearsing my British persona — the voice that seared through my life and rejected it, rejected it outright.
Hopefully, it will be funny, and I can get back on the comedy stage having taken a spiral because I was trying to tackle the sex scandal again… “there she goes…” picturing someone in the audience, “here we go…she’s…not going to make it.”
It’s fine, it happens, you dive, you fail, and I think I’m trying to figure out what my identity as a comedian COULD be. I love my plants. I love craiglist, I got like 12 plants for like — 100 dollars. 125. I found a mattress, actually, and they said it’s hardly been used… but they were getting a queen now, like I’m looking at my furniture going, “you know?” I could pay it forward, because, me too, I just bought this IKEA mattress, and I could give it away, or charge very little for it, pay it forward. My table too as I’m going to get a better table.
I have to get more planters because the old lady who lived above the city, a prime spot in Chelsea, 12th floor, she said I could just keep making plants… so I’m going to go get some more dirt, some planters and make more plants. Plants are nice. Okay? I’m getting a strong message from the plant community that — they are STICKING to THAT platform. “Be nice.” They aren’t getting wrapped up in crazy shit. So I’m surrounding myself with plants. I will nuture and water them. I sort of… decided I would try and expand onto my fire escape because no one uses it. I don’t think I’ll block passageways, so if you need it, you can use it, but I could probably get a crawler, directit over the bars, and make a little outdoor space because it’s big enough. SURE if 500k fell from the SKY, that would be cool, but again, that’s not a lot of money, not when I can walk into some fancy jewelry shop and easily spend 27k on a necklace. I want the Wonder Woman cuffs from Tiffany okay? That’s going to cost me 50k. So—who the hell cares about 500k? I can’t exactly operate as if I were moneybags. SOME PEOPLE DO, I get it, there are real gamblers out there. But REALISTICALLY, you see, I’m NOT in that position, where 500k fell from the sky, but if it does, cool, but I would continue to operate exactly as I am. Invest it. Figure out what to do with it — make it grow. I guess this guru in Hollywood really really lives in a dreamworld.
If someone could lend me their Lamborghini — I would appreciate it so I could DRIVE around Beverly Hills (and watch out, Sorrentino WILL understand, if you fuck with a Neapolitan, they might resort to displays in public) with a loudspeaker — “it’s YOUR lamborghini…I could HAVE a LAMBORGHINI…” I could be rich and famous and successful — but doing WHAT I do not KNOW. Writing. I hope so. So funny. I think I would have appreciated hearing “look, you can score big, get a rich man,” and I have to laugh, just at this swarm of advice I received… dances with wolves, in British, in a British accent. In any case, NOW I’m going — step one, get a job, step two —LOOK at the jobs that are in your profession, LOOK at where you might want to end up and see what you gotta do to get there. So NOW I’m going, okay, so there’s a reporter position… that aside, I have an interview today with this woman with a private practice, and what I’d like to do is see if I can develop digital products, and with this woman, I could try and help her practice grow… that interests me, actually. Making a biz grow. So we’ll see, but this time, at least, my cover seemed to get me somewhere. She said she already finished interviews but loved my cover, so she wants to talk to me.
So this week, in general, I’m just zeroing in on the money bit, so I saw a reporter position, and I have reporting experience, I guess, but I was not a reporter. And in thinking about “for real” staff writing positions, it probably helps… LOOK, I get that SOME PEOPLE WERE OBSESSED WITH ME, MY STORY, ETC. GOT THE PICTURE ALMOST TO THE POINT OF DEATH. Now, now that — I made it out with the help of a dead actress, truly, we’re doing okay, we got the plants. I’m reading a script, as I have a class reading to do at Columbia— FUCK school, you see, it’s called an EXTENSION class at Julliard? Huh, I turned around that TEXT. The thing is, my life now is beginning to look like what I wanted in the beginning. I’m reading scripts with PLANTS, right? On the Upper Westside. All of this makes sense to me. So in any case, I have an appointment with an esthetician, so we can discuss what I can do without botox, just to refresh my appearance. I have to smooth out my edges. I have NO CLUE what to do with my hair. Do I go straight?
So I found a stylist, zeroed in on an expensive one, even, not the most expensive, but someone recommended, what would you do? HOW would I maintain this, I’ve never owned a goddamn hair dryer, HEAR ME — I am 100% serious. Okay? So I’m figuring it out. I will apply for this reporter position, shrugging, because who cares until I get something? I can re-evaluate, I don’t have to take it. I’m not writing this week — who cares? I’ll keep working on that EPIC piece because I’d like to go into film, I think my character is interesting… so that’s over there… with this reporter position, that would make my life harder, but maybe I could change my hours once I get settled, I don’t know, but I’m applying, and I could keep my night job, as I am not in a position to make 4k a month. You understand? This was the MINDSET dude, to have, early on. Make as much as you can. But of course, the problem was, I decided I didn’t want to be an actor, and yet, I couldn’t really let it go, so that caused me problems along with not wanting to “be worldly,” literally speaking —
which is when I, now, want to explode at this person.
“LOOK.”
It’s NOT that I didn’t believe in myself, exactly, I made CHOICES. Sure, I suppose ANGELICA LEIBOWITZ made me feel like a piece of shit. Look, ME? Now? As a psychologist? FUCK these people telling you that you’re afraid of being crazy! This was practically criminal! Be real, for the love of GOD. I felt like getting a STUPID ballerina tattoo on my fucking back, like these people thought I was a goddamn Marvel character! Okay? Jesus. SEX SCANDAL, do not be ridiuclous. I would shake this out of someone, “are you seriously afraid of that?” Look, in the end, the Zen Master Sybil wins “psychologist of the year,” because this lady was ONLY angry, you see— she was COMMUNICATING NODDING IN MY FACE — this goddamn bitch! And I’m on her side. I can picture her responding to what people told me…
Slamming down her XXL iced coffee—”no!” And then, she’d deliver the next line, clutching her armrests, and shooting fire into my eyes. I’m blasting everyone away IN BRITISH, a BRITISH person who is INFURIATED tot he point of YELLING even — this is LUNACY! And it was, it was so looney. It was really really looney. But I feel better and better these days. I can still make a fortune, I know that, I can still “meet the guy,” all that. I’m fine now. I carry a sword, however, okay? So STAY AWAY FROM ME —
I’ll see what this face doctor says, as I don’t want to use botox, because I wanted to be able to express my face, I don’t want you to see that. Then, I gotta deal with my hair, I have to figure it out. Am I curly locks, long locks, do I GO for fairytale superhuman? Or do I go for something else? I need to be able to UPKEEP, you see, maintain a certain standard of living… this is structure, basic, yes, but I have a different head on my shoulders now. Think basically. And then… move on from there. Now I get to plan, eventually, a goddamn vacation. Eventually. Maybe I’ll go somewhere local, for a weekend, something normal. My problem was so basic.
But BEING in the world was actually NOT easy for me. Evidently. Now people LIVE all sorts of lives. But how I ended up where I did, I was pretty surprised. Just going, is a MAN telling me to DATE this older man, someone who expressed ZERO interest, so I could be “called” at 3 PM in the afternoon to have sex? Lol. Absurd. I do not know HOW I gave off “these vibes,” like the guru telling me “my suitors” appeared to him during his meditation. And um, I apparently was “playing the field,” like “don’t blame the player, blame the game…” when it’s like, okay, DUDE who writes SCRIPTS for a living???? YEAH, I’m not a gangster. I’m not the type that SLEEPS around, or DATES excessively, I’m a one guy type of girl… just so YOU know. There’s nothing wrong with being someone who does, I don’t think, meaning, you date around, but I’m NOT exactly like that. I do not know if my LOOKS, looking at these MEN, gave YOU the impression that I was a player? Or, available for sex when you call, simply. THE PLANTS have NOTHING to say. They only know ABUNDANCE. Spouting. Just GROW. This is what I’m meditating on.
I feel really positive this morning, and I gotta go to rehearsal where I will practice my British persona — again, I’m just winging it… I’ve got APRIL on my calendar for thie PIT presentation. The ghost of Barbara Harris IS helping/haunting me. A original extraordinare—excuse me. You know? I believe Dave Chappelle is psychic.
Now, what I personally want to see — want to “realize,” okay? Manifest, is the truth of that statement. So I have to work on my singing set this week, as I have to pay this piano player for a final rehearsal, because I just need to finalize a set, and then, we’ll make this video that I have to make to shop it around. That’s doable, will cost me 100 bucks, he’s giving me a discount. He can play anything. And DC came to me, he did, just like that, and was surprised about it. “You can sound like Michael Jackson sometimes…” and I ran to my computer and went, I can? And it’s sort of true, I have to work on it though, so I have to keep working my sound. But that’s what I’d like to do, and I do have a plan… I would like to, eventually, do a Neapolitan album.
Again, my cousin in Italy wondered what I thought about his band… what they should do… and I said very clearly “think like Clive Davis.” In Italian. “PENSATE COME CLIVE DAVIS.” So I’ve been taking my own advice. THINK “the italian MOVIE” Maria, think the SCENE where SOME, you know, song starts PLAYING—THINK. I could probably go to Italian restaurants and sell that, so I need to find a guitar player. So that’s next. I figured I was going to run into trial and error. I’m trying to get to my first real gig. You see? Walking around STUPID NYU. Going to film auditions. DUH. So this is more what I thought my life would look like — ready to shoot you — with a gun, hoodie on, sure, or I have a crowbar, it would depend, so if you try and give me ANY TALK about my PAST — I’m coming after you. GO AWAY. PLEASE do not be affected.
BRITISH.
I needed a BRITISH person saying “absolutely not.” Reject it, reject it.
So I might be working a lot, you know, I hope so, and I’ll continue to adjust and grow… but there is no guarantee, not right now, YES, I hope to get a nice advance, I hope to sell a book, yes. But UNLESS I make a certain amount, and even then, I don’t want to stop working, but I have to keep thinking about where I’d like to end up, where I’d like to be, and so, even if I were to get a MILL tomorrow, which I won’t, I probably wouldn’t change my life. I would figure out what to do with that chunk of money and continue to work my ass off. Hopefully, I’ll get to a point where I can relax a little, which IS the idea, I’m 40, NOT 20, and at 30 years old, GURU, I am NOT A BABY. I did not come from those circumstances, which is totally fine.
Like, 500k is money you don’t touch. Like you wanna study in France? UM, OKAY? To be an actor???? Okay, why don’t you start ACTING? Drove me nuts. I couldn’t believe this psychologist on the Upper East Side. “HEY YO, did you NOT SEE I could not AFFORD you…” Me? I’m going, “LOOK toots, I don’t give a SHIT about what you’re wearing, you’re living in a strange universe, if you can’t afford your own place! WHY am you here?” SO THANKS. ABSURD.
So I gotta go to rehearsal, talk to a woman in the rehearsal room but good, I’ll look really really bad in this lighting, and she can tell me what she thinks. I don’t know what I could do, if there’s a way for me to capitalize on what I’ve learned…thinking about sellable digital products, like “if you came from crazy, read this.”
But what I will say is, the goal in life is to — build. NO MATTER WHERE YOU COME FROM, you should be able to build a successful life. And like, if you were thinking CONSTRUCTIVELY — there is probably a positive direction to take your experiences, like they do not make you WEAK or powerless, you can SEE IT in the opposite way. And BE British, think British.