So I had a vision of myself with hand jewelry I saw on this cool female director’s hand in Turkey, a hand chain that wraps around your finger and wrist, and it’s a bit erotic to me, there’s something sexy and cool about it. I think. It doesn’t feel prude, if you would, and it’s really funny to me as if it gives off, to be stupid about it, harem vibes. Or, Aunt Jane vibes (old woman New Jersey, a true original). I’ve been looking for better versions of them, but for the moment, I’m trying out a couple of nonexpensive ones to see how this goes. I never really wore jewelry, right? Absurd. Insane. Where have you been? Why are you not interested in this? This is my attitude now. I mean, my entire attitude is: what the fuck were you doing? You see? What the fuck were you doing? So I’m happy to be here now, but the entire operation of my life, as I was just four years old then, came into stunning clarity, and yes, it was a British voice, or at least, someone who could do British, as that’s all you need to be able to pull off to be British. You just need to master the accent. So this is one of my performance goals. But a British voice came into my head for my benefit, and it said, “what the hell are you doing?” What on earth? What? In gods name. What is this that you are doing? Stop. Stop doing that.” I just have a sense of humor about it. What a totally confusing story, that just might begin and end in sexual abuse? I mean, utterly flabbergasted over here, in my little corner, that I did anything that I did… like, you could do that… I suppose, but why? OF ALL THE OPTIONS AVAILABLE TO YOU WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? WHY ARE YOU MOVING THROUGH THIS WORLD? That’s where I am now.
Luckily, I feel Aunt Jane’s presence around me right now, or I am connecting to her memory, and it feels supportive, just because, she would actually understand, I think, just the real challenge that story posed me, as she herself, when she was living, really didn’t grasp where I came from at all and what I was actually dealing with. If there’s any revelation that might be available to us, however, from the other side, which is something we believe, I believe. We life must look different from that perspective, that there is in fact a divine understanding on behalf of the universe towards us human beings, as if, we see angels and demons, where the universe is just understanding. IT doesn’t have a problem. I’ve gotten that message quite clearly from the other side. In any case, joking around aside, I have felt her memory supportive in moving into the next chapter of my life, because, you know, I’m free at forty, the world just opened up, what will happen? So I’ve begun to open up and feel better about starting over again… wanting to see growth, success, resolution. Comfort and ease. I’ll keep going. I have to pick up plants today, I’m going to concentrate on my home, my little room, with a great escape, one I could turn into a mini outdoor living room of sorts which makes me feel better. So I’m going to design my oasis, something, just invest some time and energy into that, as I really needed to open up and see life as a slightly larger focus, where success isn’t HYPER FOCUSED, (that’s the guru), where you want to think HOME, COMMUNITY, he just didn’t know what he was doing, though he pretended like he did. That was particularly scary for me to read, because it really didn’t feel like I saw the dark side of manifestation. And amazingly, I pictured telling Arendt about it, or her reading along the story of my life, where she made me consider thoughts like this: that she would have found it remarkable that, of all people, I ended up in these relationships… these types of relationships in fact designed to keep me hooked, to the same deficiency, dysfunction, like Arendt would have really — I really felt that way — SEEN the remarkability of someone’s life…coming out of a family story like that…. in the relationships I ended up in… and if this Hollywood screenwriter, if he could ACTUALLY reflect on it, if he was in love with me or simply role playing for shits and giggles, literally, my father — cad!And it’s there, where I want to EXPLODE at this man — why are you PSYCHOANALYZING ME OVER A LOST I-TANYA DVD? And I even imagined Victoria Beckham saying that to this man, and it brought me relief. Again, a British voice just decimating this story, just tearing it apart, “no no no, shut the whole thing down. Absolutely not…” AND THEN, he confesses his love for me dramatically, deranged, on the street, while role playing a version of my father… that he felt was…central…????? You see what I mean? WHY AM I IN A PSYCHOLOGICALLY DERANGED RELATIONSHIP? WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING? “You cannot disappoint me you have my love…”
Wow, I was blown away by this relationship, and you see, opening up my childhood really opened me up to my entire life up until that point, and this guru was the end of it, and it was horrific. I just didn’t know it. And sometimes, I don’t know what to say about the depth and magnitude that I ended up experiencing… that guru was so — obviously a dangerous person, and I just didn’t see it. And so, as I said — chillingly vulnerable, sure, like I give a shit, I’ll work on that monologue, and you will see, you will see the sass and mouth, and hopefully it will be “five stars groundbreaking…” like OMG. OMG. Maria Mocerino SPEAKS.
So right now, I like my NFL coach, I’m going to tell you a story, and maybe I’ll use that to audition for SNL. I don’t know how that works because I remember that you went to an audition, no? You just went. I’ve watched them. I’ll look that up, but you see, in approaching an agent, as I’m taking this class, I would say: that’s a goal. We gotta get me an audition there. Just tell them that I was in a sex scandal…we’ll take it from there, in the words of my father.
I like my vulnerable monologue, I just have to work on it, as ANGELICA LEIBOWITZ of course, in her tennis skirt, as I feel I’ll probably take what we good in all of them and do something with it…I had to do something with it… so maybe that’s a progression of the story, or where it could start to go… so maybe I’ll play a series of characters, narrator/comic, and there will be a British voice in there, lol, spoke by me, the Ghost of Barbara Harris already mentioned, or introduced, and maybe I start there, I don’t know… like I run out on stage… or come out…like, I can’t believe I’m here, because it’s true, if I am on a stage, if I get there, I’m going to be amazed, and I don’t think it’s going to get old. Whoa! Whoa… and they should applaud no? Thank you Dave Chappelle for teaching me RULE ONE of performing: you gotta want that, PLEASE, APPLAUD, YES, ME. He DEFINITELY wants to be there Mr. Chappelle, right? So I would be over the moon, so I might start there, work on just talking to people, which is a little easier in a theater… and something to break down, like here I am, I know this is weird, but I’m really breaking the fourth wall right now, because I got just to earth, essentially, please applaud. YEAAAH. Selfie. Jumping out and down. I might have to stage a chorus of neapolitans, who start going nuts: clapping, whistling, in song and dance, and we’re going to steal the show, and then, right? To them I am Dante.
So I might work on the beginning of a show, I’ll do that tomorrow in the reheasal room. This one woman I spoke to who put on a show, she took it to Edinburgh, that wasn’t impossible. She said, “mark April, your calendar,” because The PIT does some kind of presentation of new work, like they watch new work to develop, and you can just audition. I have my eyes set on that, I’m not throwing something together, I’m developing something and I’ve given myself some time to do it, but I rehearse once a week, at least, so that’s what I’m doing right now, and it makes me the happiest, so I’m having a great time. And now, I must pick up my plants.