Finally back to me. I was a happy person. I had problems to resolve, evidently, and the choices I made were nonsensical in my opinion, and I was encouraged to make them, and that landed me in outer space with men, specifically, telling me I was more psychic than God. No, beyond that. I was God. My birth was divine literally speaking because of the background I came out of, it was disturbing. This Beverly Hills guru should feel ashamed of himself for pretending to understand my background and the same goes for his brother. They are incapable of asking a question…they are psychic, warlocks, basically. But every day now, I feel less and less and less and less of their influence and presence, which is a better and better and better day for me.
My mother was a disgrace, simply. Hoepfully, I’ll be able to knock on her door and I don’t give a shit, I want to know if that was true or not. Did she take advantage of me even? My questions are very direct. That was an extremely painful road for me, she got off easy, in my opinion. Where I had idiots and assholes demeaning me, idiots belitting me — I belittled myself it’s fine — for the sake of “being a good person,” and truly deranged men trying to help me magically create reality, manipulating my psyche, and disrespecting me at hello. In France, I avoided all that. In the USA, I couldn’t help but confront it. I just needed to not talk about it, and for those parasites who think your trauma defines you or something — you can feed elsewhere.
I made two new plants yesterday, let’s see if the miracle of life will afford me two new plants. So I love them, I love my plants, I’m surrounded by green, and I intend to get more plants. More plants. It feels so nice to not be writing, I hate writing. I didn’t care that much about my story, if you would. NOR my character. Since I don’t KNOW WHY these men cared — sort of — about me, my intention to write, and even the idea of my success. To be frank. I don’t know if I’m getting THAT involved. And you know, hopefully I’ll be able to take a good swing somewhere down the line, a good good swing, that I stand on some edge with their balls in my hand: squeeze. I watched videos of Rosemund Pike last night. Punch him in the face. Jerk. Now, it’s like, I hope I get to play a Joker one day, something good, I hope so, that’s what I saw on the floor of a hospital, you understand, thinking about this guru PLASTERING his feelings on me, the confusion, “what you went through reminded me very much of Carl Jung’s The Red Book,” when he knew nothing, nothing about it, and that was part of what actually hurt me, that was his line of action throughout as a man with “superior feelings senses,” utterly amazing. I had pains in my — you know. And at that point, I saw the Joker. I had no idea if this was true or not, I had no idea why I was experiencing so much, and I couldn’t talk to anyone there, and they are not equipped to ASK questions about the body. I understand that people can be CONFUSED, about that, which is strange, but — are they on the FLOOR of a hospital unable to move…moving… out of pain? So I saw the Joker, and I thought that Dr. J, my mother, was such a Joker. She even looked like one. She was a Mad Hatter from Alice and Wonderland, she was the Portrait of Dorian Gray, she was a real Joker. So I got through that night because…maybe one day… I could write a super stellar female villain. I took it, that night.
It’s easier to think, though the future shit, this future obsessive thinking that I absorbed, I still struggle with it quite a bit. It’s going away, but it’s been a real effort, and unfortunately, it’s clouded any real chance to say something interesting, because I’m still just evacuating this weird logic. I disagree. I keep just saying that. I think this is weird, that they were weird, and if I could, I would call the eternal sunshine team and have these men totally erased from my mind — I want them to cease to exist. Anyway, I’ve spoken about it enough on my end, I have to keep thinking about… finding myself now, reaching success now, sort of being aware now that it doesn’t necessarily matter how good of a person you are, you know? There are people who want to play games, hurt you, take stupid risks with you… disrespect you… I suppose that was a heartbreaking understanding to come to, and I did when I was very young, that I was blamed and mistreated before I was even a person… and I forgot, you see, because I didn’t want to project that story into the world, and then, in the end, I met my demons. It’s better to just rely on your own resources, imagine yourself as in the seat that’s at the center of your life. That you’re at a table, and there are people around you, not that you’re living as one of the radiating others…in general. So think of it that way.
I have to get off book as much as I can, but these Columbia classes — the aspiring director sent me a character break down, which was so fun, and so, I’ll be rehearsing today for one of these classes, I hope I’ll get called back. I’m playing KIT in Pretty Woman. I’m trying to pay attention to what I’m being cast as, so I got some strange French short, of putting on make up, she wanted met o read Mulholland Drive, Rita. Okay. I’m nodding. Then I got KIT from Pretty Woman. I got the Mom in Gilmore Girls. So I’m just paying attention. I had a job interview yesterday, I think it went really well, it’s a very small job, but it would be something. I got a step further for another job following around a founder and writing about it, him, the company, and we’ll see. That’s not a staff writing job… that’s more company related, so I’m trying to just move forward from here, and simply figure out what’s going to lead me somewhere. If I need to take a marketing course, I will, if that makes sense, meaning, I’ll do what I need to do…to continue going in a direction.
None of these jobs will permit me to stop working my night job. None of these jobs replace anything. I need more jobs. I’m 40. YES, let 500k rain…. that’s not my problem. I didn’t need to be in a cult, you know what I mean? That guru, that screenwriter, would make an excellent cult leader, truly, as a character. I would cast him —immediately. His charming sides, even, chilling. But that’s what I would do, graining away, because he scared the living shit out of me, he really harmed me, his “expertise.” But luckily, bit by bit, I relinquish his frightening persona, I don’t know what to say about my past, only that, I keep having to remind myself that I couldn’t do what I’m doing now in the past. So I’m here now. I can try and look and feel as good as I can… like, when I’m just being me, as I’m trying to let shine through, I can’t help that I have a vulnerable quality, it’s just personality. It’s just a reaction to being seen, but the GURU doesn’t KNOW what it’s like to be PUT ON DISPLAY the moment you start talking. So, I can’t change that, it’s just SO annoying, thinking about Barbara Harris, like — it’s not that fun of a quality to have. I’ve eliminated it in my personal life. I’m trying to. YOU be vulnerable. I’ll sit here stoically, like the guru does. Judgmental. MILDLY amused at times. Superior. Above you. Fake it till you make it. I’m trying to eliminate it in my personal life. And just use it as an artistic trait. In my mind, personality? I have no idea. I have no idea what you, what someone expects, thinks, when these people, I guess, have never met anyone, they’ve never ventured far from home… I don’t know what to say. “There are many types of people out there?” So I’ll probably work on that next, some monologue about personality. Shall I be broken? Shall I be strong? Shall I be strong but STRONG ENOUGH, meaning STRONGER, to show that I was affected? This fucking guru. Shall I?? Be enthused? Shall I take the good, leave the bad? Shall I be a bitch? Should I be a bitch? WHO SHOULD I BE? TO BE ABLE TO EXIST? “How are you okay? Do you have alcohol problems?”
“NO!”
Jesus Christ!
And then, I’ll get up and try to love the world, you know, which I did… and no one got where it came from. They don’t know how to analyze characters correctly, not mine, in that, she’s trying to show YOU, who are so strange, quite frankly, and why am I here? That you can love life, despite where you come from, but the guru only saw a VIDEO GAME. He brought out just the worst in me. He didn’t understand or read me correctly at all, I just, unfortunately, could get confused because I had to make room for everyone’s opinion, they were right over me, and the guru played that role beautifully even. He was totally wrong. Maybe that might open his mind, since he so obsessed with it. I want to take a bat. I do.
In any case, got that worked out. I should be able to meet “the guy,” type deal, I should be able to move quickly. I hope one of these jobs pans out, if not both, because that would be a good development. I would be, with 5-6 jobs at 9,000 a month, isn’t that amazing? How little that is? I’m 40, not 20, and I have no money. Not like I can’t MAKE IT GET AN AMAZING ADVANCE BECOME A BEST SELLING AUTHOR AWARD WINNING ACTRESS — all that is possible, but I have to make as much money as I can. I have a financial goal now, and I’m just trying to reach it. I can’t give up my night job. I hope I get there, but the whole you can make it, you’re a star, meditate to get there… look man, what I’m seeing currently is — get there. Action. I’m looking at beauty channels on YouTube now, as I think I’d like to try a beauty channel as I like beauty products. NOT family. NOT my life idea. THANKS. I don’t know what to do there yet as most people can’t relate to me. Not to say they don’t know what it’s like to have to “make peace” with their parents, but — you know. I hear ENYA — as that’s the song of Miracle Mile — Brazilian Jewish children dancing sexy to Enya. It’s a reclaiming of one’s freedom, Jose Leibowitz can and will say.
I’m going to concentrate on that EPIC piece a minute, and I’ll put Harris on the next round, and I’ll keep reading and thinking about a book — as it’s not about family, really. That’s the problem I had to work out, and this GURU shoved my face in the dirt. “If you really want to,” Enya. It all comes back to it…”you can seize the day, if you really want to…” Enya sang it first, there was nothing NEW about the guru’s understanding of things. Hopefully I’m right, I think it would make a really interesting motion picture, like one of these rare features that comes out of nowhere and really resonates because the characters are so fantastic and unbelievable and the subject is so important, “we’re all getting molested,” how disconcerting — real life is stranger than fiction. But I must admit, I sort of wish I never chose to pursue an artistic medium, or I wish I had just resolved that for myself when I was young, meaning, if I can’t move forward in my life… I should ask myself why. I have to make as much money as I can, generally, because — 50 is coming. Sorry, but that’s ten years away, and I had the worst decade of my life: my thirties. Again, not to say that things can’t go really well, it’s just sitting back and just saying that to yourself is pointless. No offense, money is power, looking at these men… thanks. I had it. Some.
What’s annoying, quite frankly, in looking across my life, WHY did people get attached to me? Do you NOT have your own life? I hated being the person that people loved to give advice to, one of these. It was very annoying that — people, sorry, older men thought I might be gifted based on…? My personality, my…their psychic abilities, really, but no one could tell me what I was good at, literally. I was destined, could be, for greatness, but why? We do not know. No one said, “wow, you’re such a good writer,” no one said that. So now, right? I’m doing what I wish I did ten years ago—you know, reading, um, thinking about HOW to do something, and leaving the “taking IT out of my head as a psychological object…” meditating — as Professor X’s protegee— on THE OBJECT, the MOST SUCCESSFUL OBJECT POURING LIQUID GOLD INTO THE IDEA. I’ll just leave that aside.
None of this happened to me in France. That’s not a French thing. The “help” shadow did not follow me. It didn’t appear. THE SECOND I stepped foot into the US, it came at me. Weird, the US, maybe it’s an Instagram thing but everyone is searching for wisdom, meaning, these sorts of ideas, so I keep telling myself to develop my own, so I’ll get there. I feel like now I can speak from that place, what I learned, personally. “I would suggest not being psychic.” That would be my first piece of advice. I am MUCH BETTER now that I am no longer psychic. And if someone wants to insist upon it, the question would be — why? Why are you trying to EXERT power? I—suffered because of that. I do not agree. And this ex of mine, I asked him to STOP with the psychic shit, and of course, he didn’t respect me, did he?
He can — direct that to someone else. I am not the one to chit chat to about that, I will eliminate it even in the British. “NO no no…” I will be in BRITAIN, in my mind, snapping at this person. “ENOUGH.” Ridiculous.
So, I gotta find a job now. A day job. I don’t want to be a reporter. I don’t think. Not to say I don’t have skills, I have some, but I really don’t want to… be a writer in that way, I don’t think. I hope I’ll make some break, I put so much time and effort into it, though I just want to hug and hold myself, just the guru, this guy who thinks he’s literally a wizard, because I didn’t even see it, and I suppose I did think I was a special person, someone to respect. But an ignorance died within me, I suppose it was for the best, because he was so disturbing at step one, that it’s hard for me to believe I didn’t see it, but I did feel STRUCK by his weirdness, his authoritarian demeaning pointing at me… he pulled a seriously weird move.
I’m surrounded by new growth, very very nice beings, just the nicest, plants. Not twisted, though they can twist around for fun, it’s all for fun, there’s nothing sick about it, it’s just liveliness, love, and art — they’re just being themselves. They aren’t trying to get all twisted up in the OTHER plant, that’s them, not me, we’re all different, express ourselves differently — the plants aren’t JUDGING all this. So many plants, so many ways to BE. So these plants are my meditation right now. They are the true carriers of wisdom. Alright, wish me luck. Luck this year, luck this decade, a turn for the better, not worse, that was my 30s. I picture a movie camera… in these rooms… what would it look like? And I’m extremely fair. Extremely.
YOU SEE, speaking of SKILL, EXPERIENCE, I went through a SHIT SHOW. A true shit show with some mad woman, my mother, whipping out her breast in front of a woman who got wrapped up in some child abuse story, okay? A tax law expert. My father broke down the basic idea behind the IRS: SHARED responsibility.
I will hopefully be able to alchemize all these experiences into something that brings ME reward, for sure. I’m excited about putting on a show. I feel good about how that’s going… we’ll see how the “British” person goes, a BRITISH person responding to my family story, a British person having ENOUGH just ENOUGH of my tomfoolery. Just strict about it. The utmost strictness. My British accent yesterday, utterly hilarious, but I just need to listen to people, there are so many accents, I know, so I’m going to have to penetrate that, eventually… though maybe there would be something FUNNY about doing a SUPERBLY bad British accent. It’s sort of David Attenborough, it’s SORT OF… I might try channeling Sir Ian Mckellan, someone like this. And I’ll see if I can master more colorful accents like BOLTON, that one. Amazing. I’m off to read and memorize text.
Oh and I got another audition, I found it on Listings Project, randomly, and it pays, little, but something, so I’m going to do a real self tape, attempt to. Fun.