Remembering this Hollywood guru. His interaction with my drafts was pretty crazy. “I imagine they see through the show.” He said about my cousins. And at the time, the problem was, I had to put another person’s perspective above my own. It was a choice. That didn’t make any sense to me. What does that mean?
If he took a look in the mirror and thought about how he reacted to me —he would begin to get it. People didn’t get it. They treated me with disrespect at hello. I get that I was entertaining, basically. I open up, not you, it’s up to me to put on a show for you. That’s what you’re saying to me. You’re not sharing DETAILS such as that.
This guru, he mentioned some “one” girl he loved once, and I’m not prying… nor am I interpreting him. I suppose I felt his pain, and imagine if I said HALF the shit he said to me to him. There you go. Why don’t you meet a stranger, that would be “my homework” for him. And tell him, her, not just the most awkward thing that ever happened to him, but whatever — which he might not have, personally — is going to make him feel vulnerable. And this person is watching him, like he’s a TV show, and beginning to shut him down, beginning to analyze him as if he were a character on a TV show. That guy would never stick around for that.
I didn’t understand this comment. It’s a story about child abuse. I can’t talk about that. And will I get the chance not to write it but play it, because it was a dance: sure they were my cousins, but I spent a few summers with them — a few years. It’s not that I didn’t appreciate them, but they were not my family, you see? They were my cousins.And they shut me down — as many did — the second I started talking. Not Angela, but she’s not prying, she’s not getting involved. We had conversations… but all I had to say was “no.” I am not comfortable. And who would be?
And look, my cousins weren’t going to respond well to talk of child molestors. That’s obvious. No one does.
I still like the idea a lot, it’s not that, but when he said, “I imagine they see through the show…” what did that mean? I don’t think that would make sense to them. I felt put on display — yes. This guru doesn’t come from a story that automatically puts him on display. His whole concept of me was — so not me. And now, YUP, I’m pretty clear now — if a man, anyone, shut me down in a cafe, day one, and said, “no that’s not it.” I would say, I have to go now. “It was truly a pleasure speaking to you.” I would have left at hello. If not hello, most definitely after the first time we hung out, as he acted out in a totally deranged fashion.
Anyway, another night, got off early, waiting for the train. Thank GOD I feel like I’m totally clear of the guru, totally clear of all that logic that almost killed me. I learned hard lessons. Now, I have to figure out how to make money as I have none now. Should I stand on stage with a rotating hat? Cross eyed? Shall I meditate on 500k being delivered to me in cash? While I repeat “why are you CHOOSING to not have money.” Should I seemingly move through space ideating everything into existence I need — and then, fall back into the arms of many. Man how nice that would be.
Anyway, tonight, at this restaurant, I thought, even if I were to make 1 million on an advance which is… a lot, I couldn’t really stop working, you know? Not if you have a growth mindset. You wanna keep building. I just hope that I’ll make some break soon, so I won’t feel as much of a loser as I feel right now. And the thing is, I’m always happy. I always have been. Why that caused me problems, I don’t know, but at least I feel happy again. You see, the guru misterpreted my laughter… not to say I didn’t laugh…during that story…but I found it next to impossible to connect with that man, it was a wall. That triggered me. He’s THERE, you know. He’s not exactly the warmest person. Now, ME, Maria Mocerino in the driver’s seat, I’m not getting close to that person. He’s not that much of a conversationalist. Not that fun. I mean, very little of that was fun for me. That was not fun.
I didn’t actually want to get into that relationship. These were maladaptive patterns. And yes, they almost killed me. The guru was NOT someone to get close to. Casual. He can talk about his innards. I’M a safe person, that I know. I do not have superiority complexes, and it has nothing to do with what he’s achieved in his life, but he acts as if he has superior feelings… and he should really check that. I was manipulated, you see, very young. He totally misread me. He had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. I did not need someone to WRITE all over me.
So I walked through the streets free of him…free of his ideas… happy again. I had to lose everything, so that decade sucked, and all I wanted was…to write… I didn’t need all that. So that royally sucked. But I’m here now.
So this week, I’m going to go snag a job, try to, anything. I need a day job, even part time. I’ll keep my resto job for the moment because — the truth is — there is only now. In my opinion, that’s really the truth. Forget the future. It’s uncertain. I have goals, I have ideas as how I’d like it to go and end up, but I’ve let go of this obsessive thinking that the BOOK, there’s a REALITY in which the BOOK is the MOST massive success. Go into the world and carve your way through it. Who gives a shit about your feeling, to a certain point? You just keep moving. I did NOT want to be so feeling driven, that was incredibly maddening. I have NO idea… I hope I’ll be able to buy a house one day, figure out where abundance lies, and I’ll keep working on, writing, and exploring performing, more so than anything else, and I dream of being wickedly on the mark, that it will all blow up, it’s just, that gets unsatisfying because it’s all invented right now. I would rather keep moving through the present… and for the rest, I don’t know, so I’m here, that I know. So I have an income goal. I have a budget spreadsheet now. I HOPE that epic will take my story, but I don’t know, and I do not want to meditate on the probably reality that they are… maddening. I want it to get in, obviously, isn’t that enough? The idea that there’s “underlying idea that are holding you back,” I mean, maybe, probably, but it all sounds so complicated. I would like it to get picked, but the pressure is off. And if they take it, will it — be my big break? I mean??? That’s what I mean about the future being unceratin.
I am coming to love my little room, I am single, 39, I don’t know what to say about whether or not I’ll have children, but if I want to, I’m going to have to…get on that. I’m surprised by the choices I made, honestly, watching a group of girlfriends celebrating someone’s birthday. THAT’s the IDEA. Not some older guy, no offense, saying PARADISO at you 40,000 times. I was oddly focused. I got sucked into writing, my wheels spinning in place. So yeah, I have a little room, I’m decorating it bit by bit, and I’m excited to see where I can go from here, because at least, I hope, I went through or resolved what I needed — and I’ll create a life that makes me happy. I just want to meet my guy, I want to get married, that sort of thing. I want to buy a house. I’d like to do something that goes well, so I hope I do… but the IF YOU CHOOSE thing… Jesus, too triggering.
I was excited this evening because I have to work on my song list for this pianist im looking to try and get gigs with. All that, like, I hope the book does well, whenever that gets done. I’m not the most intuitive writer. Prose or words on a page is one thing. Writing is a formal exercise. I feel like I’m learning with this EPIC short. I just hope that’s true. And I hope I’ll transition into film and TV, as I think I’d like to go in that direction… that guru really really didn’t understand what he was doing to my heart… literally speaking. I just mean, he really really hurt my heart, literally speaking. You do not get involved with someone psychologically… outside of an appropriate container. What he did was unethical.
Anyway, one more early morning, and then, I’m off for the next few days. I’m going to try and find a day job, anything, so I’ll walk around, something, and see if I run into anything interesting. I sort of felt like walking around and thinking outloud, maybe walk into a shop… I don’t have any experience, but maybe I can snag a job, even part time. So I’m going to try that. I’m picking up plants tomorrow, as I’m trying to INVEST in my space, a little bit, my little corner. And I keep feeling better and better, I have rehearsal space on Monday, I’m doing a reading at Columbia, a scene from Pretty Woman, I’m Kit. Not Julia Roberts. Again, the YOU CAN MAKE IT, I don’t know that. That’s easier. I have to keep moving, I think, as if everything might not work out, because I always had the perspective that it was going to work out, and it ended up being stupid. I acted stupidly.
Night. I love my space heater. So now, the objective is: make money. Learn how to make money. There should be a way to generate real income, as I am not closed off, and build real wealth for myself, I keep saying that, I do keep trying to envision my ideal house. So that’s that. I’ll be 40 this month, I’m not where I’d like to be, but I’m feeling better.
I look red carpet events…and I go, okay, so the guru felt like I could make it in this way… he felt that I could become super famous. But everyone can. But what made me talented, didn’t matter. No worries. I don’t feel mediocre anymore, thankfully. I don’t feel broken down, but I’m free, I’m free of all that… the “channeling the audience” is getting better too. Just reaching for stillness and mental quiet. No future, no channeling. No more psychic. Now it’s a monologue / now it’s about turning these adverse experiences into something.
Again, everyone is evolved, but no one can apologize.