It feels pointless writing to no one, I’m almost over this bit, which was the reaching out to your audience — via channeler tapes — that were given to me, for reasons, I don’t even know. I didn’t quite realize what I got involved with. But the YOU CAN MAKE IT routine from the GURU I met — which robbed me of my time, actually, all this confusing useless talk I just did not need because what would these two say in public? Not much. They wouldn’t be able to admit their beliefs in public. I’ve read an article or two about this guy, and he’s not talking about mindset, that’s not what he’s doing. “I meditate a lot which I feel helps me…” not even that. I just found this guy to be a phony. That was — not who I was, dude, he got the wrong idea, literally. I woke up thinking about the plant people too, like, why am I here, exactly? What was the point of this? But again, I needed to learn what boundaries were — not to bring up this word — but now, I’m not getting ALL involved, I have my own life, I could get sucked into worlds — rather than creating my own. While I was in Paris, I had arguably an easier time, because some of the bullshit I encountered in America — I just didn’t, I didn’t have to deal with it at all. But that was definitely a “gasp” like, how did I go down that road? Wow, this Hollywood screenwriter, I’m still quite shocked at this man, because why would you put someone at risk like that? I mean, this guy INSERTED his opinions on me — projection. Because he had superior feeling senses. Not the time. I did not need a MALE, you see. So the “you create your own reality” obsession he had, thinking about Hannah Arendt, sort of taking that in, “okay, so Maria…at the top of her thirties… ends up in these circles…” no. And the you create your own reality routine had an adverse effect. Here’s the thing I don’t understand — isn’t that an obvious statement to make? Don’t YOU know, WE know, that you are creating your own reality? AKA LIFE. Better word. So you might want to not meditate but roll up your sleeves and — GO. Action. But I came from a background where I just didn’t need that, literally at all, after coming from a couple of mentally ill parents? This guy was ridiculous. A sorry excuse for a psychologist, and it was so ridiculous that he wanted to take some ride on some fantasy play… that he was gifted at psychology? Though he literally had ZERO experience! ZERO.
So I met my demons, I think. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with psychology, and YES, I wasn’t a refugee or a thief, I befriended a couple of people, knowing what a friend is, but when I was a kid, this was my obsession for a few years, which I put away, but I wonder about this guy, why he HAD to come into my life, wishing he never did, and I surrendered to the fact that I was attractive and vulnerable in a particular way. And that, maybe with the Barbara Harris book, I’ll be able to elucidate what vulnerability means. You don’t take advantage of someone who is vulnerable. But some, in the words of the Russian stick masseuse, (the year I was invaded by the Russians), “you are light Marushka, and the dark likes the light…”
As this man was dark for sure. “I’m always FEEDING YOU…” he says. I thought we had a recurring lunch date, and he’s beginning to get a touch obsessed with FEEDING ME. WHY am I here? That was mighty weird. SUPER weird. And nobody is going to tell me it’s NOT weird. Okay? Since I’m joking that President Barack Obama assisted me personally on the psycho-spiritual plane, thinking about how HE would have responded to the things the guru said to me — that helped. He’s going “sounds like a weird guy.” I didn’t deserve false gurus, prophets, geniuses, psychologists — no offense. The fact that I was a white woman, too, it just necessitates a whoopee cushion. I’m always FEEDING YOU. Didn’t see THAT, didn’t SEE what was happening, because I was STRUCK, what he did the first night was SO bizarre, as if he were on drugs, actually, pointing to me across a room and acting weird. “KNOOOOWWWW what do you wanna knoooowwww….”
Anyway, I’ll get to that guy on the mic, soon, I’m definitely definitely going to tell as many people as I can, what happened with the Hollywood guru with aspirations of teaching Alexander the Great. That was me. EMOTIONALLY. He wanted to teach me about FEELINGS, some guy who can’t even admit his own. And with this one, Sorrentino knows, if you mess with a Neapolitan, they are — equipped if not built to DRIVE their rage with the force of Vesuvius — there’s no stopping the force. I will do everything I can to take this guy as far to the edge as I can. You don’t mess with a a Neapolitan. Maria Mocerino, yes, specifically, don’t give me talk about my ability to play a GANGSTER unless YOU UNDERSTAND that I can — CROSS through the screen — and come for you. With the power of a Brazilian mother. You see.
Can’t wait, the Neapolitan stuff is great, we’re swinging bats, a crowd is with me by default, they’re tossing me more bats, so I can put on a little show, they’re passing out street food, we’re breaking out into song, we’re cheering, it’s a whole thing, a revolt in Naples — it’s a show, too. We’re the siren people. We’ll do what we need to do. “Gotta a float?” Yeah, probably.
Anyway, I’m feeling good this morning because I had a bit of a breakthrough, where I’m working on a MOTH piece, we’ll see if my name gets picked out of a hat. But I worked on my story a few hours last night, just trying to find the right STATE. So Ed Norton in my head, hilarious, just residue from all this crap I absorbed, as if being externally focused makes any sense. Reach out to your audience, download the information from the future, specifically the most SUCCESSFUL future, that royally fucked up my head, like I’m gathering MORE INTELLIGENCE outside myself. So I still have to shake that off. In any case, I fixed the story so it makes more sense, and I went to a couple of open mics last night to —just throw it out there, as I find it helps for me to receive it and keep cracking at it. It wasn’t a comedy routine, but there’s storytelling involved, so I don’t care about getting rigid, these open mics are meant to help you develop material. And the year I was invaded by the Russians is amazing.
But it was fun to finally feel like I got somewhere. I’ll practice that, and it’s more the state, where I know what I’m going to say, but I also don’t know, I don’t know how to describe that. But I feel like I found the right state of mind, to deliver the story, so I’ll keep working on it today, wishing the future would leave me, you see, because that royally affected me, like, go make your life now? I didn’t get this guru. He needed the video game taken away from him, he needed some discipline, in my opinion. As a child, yes. The guru. He felt like he had the right to treat me with disrespect, step one. And my cousins did the same thing. You know? So, through the mess, the noise, finally, I heard that VOICE: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LETTING PEOPLE DO THIS TO YOU! Jesus. Fuck off. I can’t help what it was. And I don’t give a shit if it triggers you, shocks you, okay? It happened, so grow up. Watch a NEWS program. There’s a WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE.
So no, I do not TALK to Dr. J. A woman who could have molested her own child, even, as this woman wasn’t sure about how SHE handled me, you see. It’s not comfortable. It’s not a comfortable topic of conversation. You’re just going to have to RESPECT me. RESPECT that there’s a LINE between us. Unless woman have wondered the same thing about your mother… coming over to their house with their breasts exposed. You know? I was four at the time. Only so much I could do, literally, cognitively. Angelica Leibowitz KNEW but again she didn’t. I acted out, maybe obviously, all things considered, so the sexual trauma specialist might SUGGEST — giving this person some room, because they obviously weren’t raised in any way… so I didn’t say thank you, please, I barked at people… that’s just where I came from. And why am I here? You know? No offense, but how would these kids have reacted if THEY WERE IN MY SHOES AT FOUR? I don’t know. My cousins in Naples are watching…a small Neapolitan revolt. That’s all they see. “This is the reaction…” as my face, determined, at four — tries to run away. Futile. I think they might have tried to give me room, I don’t remember this part that well, but JOSE had to deal with me… because I could flip out, I believe. What are you going to do?
So I understand all that is AFFECTING to some, or would be affecting, I’m just saying that people’s AFFECT — didn’t need to be PUT ON ME. I didn’t need that additional weight. Now, I have a history book eternally with me, with my wondrous sweet bright face I used to have, “ooooooo, wow,” like Belle, “isn’t it amazing….” the world is vast… no?
Anyway, I haven’t found a job yet. I’m annoyed, in need, and it will come. A better set up where I’m making more money. I need a day job. I need to go out. Meet people. Get back into a normal routine. I’m going to try some affliliate marketing, I think, as my Big Sister of America suggested I think about. Again, I came to find that you’re better off drawing from your own resources, as my Big Sister had a better homework assignment, I thought, than these self-purported geniuses. I cannot get into this topic, I’m sorry, “tell you all about it when I have the time…” Aladdin. Dr. J — one jump — ahead of the hitmen (trying to HELP me). Why are you sniffing around my skirt? You see. Go elsewhere. “There’s so much more to me…”
I played that movie for the thief, you see, this was step one… he laughed, he did. “Your a prince in a thief, that’s who you are… it’s Disney, a common archetype. You steal because you “have to.” With batman issues with justice, giving to the poor, you give away what you get, too… just, wow, he got triggered by the cafe downstairs, lol, and I have to laugh, because he didn’t damage anything. Sure, they had to buy more produce, but he took SALAD, SALT, FOOD. You see. And he convinced everyone, literally everyone, that he was many… when by nature of how “they” didn’t BREAK an entry, THEY didn’t take anything, it was obviously a mouse. But it was so unusual and strange, “why did they not take anything?” Break anything. No damage. That’s a sign of someone with a message to share. He didn’t touch A THING. Only food. And he gave it to… those without much… out the back of a truck. Okay, I thought. “He got upset.” Okay. We might just need to work out some basics, but…
Meanwhile, Putin invaded Ukraine.
So in the grand scheme of things, this was minor. I didn’t appreciate being put in this position, obviously. “Make way for Prince Ali…” you see? Then, here’s Robin Hood, I played that for him too, he steals from the rich and he gives to the poor. He suffered a personal tragedy, and he’s going to be a good renegade, the good side of the underworld, let’s say, because there’s so much injustice in politics. It’s a movie. Movies people continue to see. Very popular. If not legendary. That’s who this guy was to me, a legend. A true legend. Someone who could inspire an Ocean’s 11 character, someone who might alert the government, because of how talented he is, skilled, and his crimes are ALADDIN crimes. So they might recruit him. He didn’t even know how he got through most of his life. He had quite a life, by the time he reached 26.
So that’s on my mind because that’s the story I’m hopefully going to tell this week, but I’ll get up on stage today, beforehand, and just rehearse it. I need to keep bridging a gap between “being alone” and being in front of an audience.
I’ve got a couple of things coming up — I was asked to audition for an NYU short this weekend, I’ll be rehearsing for a Columbia scene on Friday, so I’ll be performing in front of that class, so more people will see me. And that’s it. I hope I’ll be able to do some shorts, put together a reel, which is the next step, for me, and keep on figuring out what my identity is. I worked the scene, basically, where I find out that the cafe downstairs was broken into, and when my boyfriend said “THEY THEY THEY…” I knew it was just him. “THEY?” Yeah, “these were professionals…”
“REALLY?”
“What made them professional?”
They didn’t BREAK IN. No one knows how they did it. THEY THEY THEY.
And it flows better, now that I revised how I’m doing it, and it’s well acted, for real. I’m getting there, it’s better now that it’s clear that he’s much more than a thief. I look better too, I’m starting to look better. I had my soul sucked out of me, really. So we’ll see, we’ll see what happens with this guy too. I mean, I literally have no money, none, right now, which isn’t the best feeling, but hopefully, I’ll figure out how to make real money. I’ll try online, see if I can do something online, and figure out whatever’s going to bring me abundance in life.
Yes, the Hollywood screnwriter was manipulative. I was vulnerable, yes. That was soooo degrading. I get I was SPECIAL DIDN’T KNOW IT whatever that was. That was utterly strange. I’m off to read, even that, like, just read books… who gives a shit about the book being a “psychological object.” And this man is telling me about HANGERS, like trying to help me with the book, when I’m reading book after book and just seeing you can…kinda do whatever you want… you know? Just read books. This man’s involvement in my life was useless. And I wasn’t ASKING for help, that’s the thing, I had no idea WHY, WHY these MEN, specifically, wanted to HELP ME, and I didn’t, I couldn’t realize that… like WHY? Good question. Not to say I wasn’t UNIQUE, even, but — WHY is this happening? I have friends on Broadway, Tony nominees on my speed dial, and they aren’t —getting wrapped up in this bullshit. With people who aren’t even IN theater. You see what I mean? Do you write Opera? COOL, not what I’m doing, I’m doing THEATER. Sure, there’s crossover, but it’s not the same world, exactly. Whoosh, “nah I’m cool,” it was simple, actually, but these switches that one has to make, like, I don’t think I’m going to get involved, like, no no no, I really don’t need help, so if you have some ITCH you’re seeking to SCRATCH, my suggestion would be — putting that in its proper place.
I made decisions, most definitely, and I would never make them again. So “thanks” guru, that was a bit stupid, on his part. Stupid move. I got my side of it, cleared up, meaning, I came from a background… which made me vulnerable to this weird ass shit, totally weird ass shit. And the thing is, that guy doesn’t care, if I’m a mess, died, like, wow. His lack of care was astounding. Wow, that was truly a bad relationship.
Pointing to orange cones, (think Obama standing there), he’s making up even that, the construction cones. Obama isn’t going to stick around for lunch, I think. It’s a touch comical. “You’re making up the orange construction cones?”
So wish me luck. Wish me luck. I hope I’ll get lucky, this time, and meet people who… aren’t drug addicts, or down to treat me strangely. I mean, that’s easy now, if someone blows through, to go — hey look at that? Is that your sister? To the guru, can she NOT know we’re friends? Can my old school teacher NOT KNOW? WHY? Is there something inappropriate about our relationship? That we are friends??????? Are you INTERESTED? I don’t know if any of this has gotten to anyone WE know, you see, but I don’t “give a damn,” to get cinematic about it. I hope it does. Because God knows I’ve had a terrible time just sorting out my head.
But I’m getting to love life again. I’m trying to just accept where I’m at, and I’m trying to envision where I’d like to go. I’m confronting a new world, where I can get a job, not move abroad, exhausting, and pursue what I’d like to. I hope I make a break, right? I hope I recognize my life, like, this is my life. I know it is. So that’s it, when it comes to singing, there’s nothing I can do at this second. I’ll do a video with this piano player next month and try to get gigs, but I’m still finalizing what I’d like to sing. I don’t know what to do — if JAZZ is the way to go, or Michael Jackson, or classics, like Elton John’s Sacrifice, that genre, of classics, covers. So that will work itself out. I’m not there yet. I’m just working on Michael Jackson, because it’s FUNNY, it’s truly funny, that I can sort of sound like him… and he’s been a good teacher, because wow, that man could sing. If you’re listening to what he’s doing, as I’m working on Heal the World. One of the pretty ones. So I’m just listening to him, then I’ll go back to Dolly Parton, I mean, it takes a second to develop a sound. I can do Bonnie Raitt too, actually, so I’m working on that. They are my… teachers because I can sound like them. And Joni Mitchell. So I’m letting that be.
I think on that end, I’m mostly thinking, okay, WHAT would I sing of hers? And I think it would be California, because it has rhythm, and Urge For Going. I’m trying to put together a set, which is what I told this pianist, which made him nervous, but I got him, it’s fine, I just need to keep refining my sound, what I’m seeking to do.
We’re meeting up next month, I have to pay him, but OKAY. No problem. We’ll see — going through a book of songs, what we can do, he plays really well.
Eventually, I’ll try and find a guitar player who wants to work on Neapolitan music, so I can go to Italian restaurants even. I feel like that might be easy, or easier, as they tend to go together. They’re open to “a little night music.” Like, here are Neapolitan hits, with some dude on a guitar, it’s not hard, you know? But I gotta get there. And right now, this second, I just trying to get another job, or just deal with life a second. I’m doing these open mics and now MOTH, I’ve got a little BITE from the acting world, based on my two auditions… which is NICE. NICE feedback. I can’t even ACT yet. I’m so excited, I got a short film script, and I sort of have decided to let it be, like I’ll see what emerges… I’ll pull a Barbara Harris. It’s a strange script, sort of affecting, because I interrupt someone from killing himself, and I have to use his oven, which he’s using to kill himself… and it’s Christmas. So I have to practice.
In this case, I know, trying to NOT put yourself out there, trying to NOT be the overachiever, it’s better to BE the overachiever, like I have this scene offbook. I don’t know if I will, but I can try. Or something. I’m in costume. Even. I’m in an apron. Which I thought was funny, dark. Pink. I’m so sorry… I need to use your oven. I can probably get one off Amazon. So we’ll see. I want to get into a movie. I want to be filming. Fast. That would film in December. And that crew is always filming things, so the more I can APPEAR, the better. I keep looking at the calendar. I’m in month 4. And already, I have two gigs with Columbia and NYU. I have a piano player — pinned. Hold please. I need to buy a lamp, first, and then I can pay for a couple of hours. I get it’s a discount. So I feel proud of myself for being so proactive — I said I could move fast. But there’s only so much I can do, and this is where I run up against the GURU — like SURE, let 500k be delivered to me in CASH, for no reason. However, we can put that aside. Meaning, there’s no way of predicting the unpredictable. Let’s just hope something random and amazing happens, yes, but let’s keep on this TRACK, the one we’re carving. So on the affiliate side, I thought YOUTUBE was a good spot, just because you can make money from ads, if you get there, and I like beauty… I like trying beauty products. So I thought, I have nice skin, that’s what people tell me, like I look good, and luckily, I’m looking better, because wow, I felt so ugly, so ugly and sexless for a while. I don’t know what to say about my look, but I adjusted how I’m filming my open mics, so it looks better, and I think I look better. I still don’t know what to do about my hair. If I should keep growing it out, wear it curly, or go straight, actually. Darker. Sort of go for femme fatale, sort of, just play stupid, sometimes. Even. I play a good stupid. I think I do.
We’ll see. Nothing but possiblities.