I just read a story about a girl who was held hostage for years in the basement of some guy’s house. A crazy story. They are around. There are crazy stories out there. She was ten, when she was abducted.
Crazy shit has happened. It can happen to you. Looking at the Jews. You know? The Jews know, okay? That crazy shit can happen to you that MAKES NO SENSE. What SENSE did it make? Would they even want to TALK to a person trying to MAKE sense of what happened? No. No thank you. It’s not that I am TRYING to make any kind of CONNECTION with them, it’s just to point out — crazy crazy things can happen to a person.
Seriously speaking, even the fact that this GURU was Jewish blows my mind. Just, why he got so wrapped up in ME, forget the story, I do not know. I cannot even tell you what happened to me as a PERSON because of this relationship.
He was wrong. Totally wrong. That relationship practically ruined me, my life. He presented himself as an authority. This was UBU ROI.
I’m in a better place, evidently, because I wouldn’t stay PAST day one today. WHO ARE YOU? Coming into MY ORBIT? I’m on guard for sure. That was a GIANT RED FLAG. I look back at him with a high degree of shock. There was darkness there in the words of Nate and Gary. “Darkness, Maria.”
“Weird men, Maria, weird men.”
His interpretation of me — not cool.
Evidently, this guy, this stupid guru, a bit tough to shake, my hatred for him.
Mostly because he presented himself as some enlightened being. That pissed me off. Remember—tapping my temple — remember. If you MESS with a Neapolitan, you MIGHT get a block party/revolt in your neighborhood that will include damaging public property with musical numbers. We’re opera, for sure, performance artists. That’s the dream — taking over Beverly Hills with Franco Franzese, lol.
Celebrate good times, come on! And we’re dancing.
In any case, I haven’t been running around this week, I’ve been working from home, mostly, applying for jobs, thinking about the basics, really. I just hated the people I got involved with this past decade because it was all — weird and self-aggrandizing.
The guru was so obsessed with manifesting or magic — when, quite honestly, it wasn’t that complicated. WHY this guy wanted to help ME, literally speaking, when I didn’t need his HELP, especially with my past? I just want to punch this guy.
I’m in a state of unknown, now, I have no idea. I’m going to do MOTH this week, try to, and just keep on figuring out the rest of my life — after going through a horrific period. I’m not exactly shoving my belief system down people’s throats, I’m not interested in HELPING someone as a weird ass side project? And that relationship with that guru, it weakened me as a person. I became weak.
He belittled me, and he doesn’t even clock that. I knew I was STRONG, asshole.
He told me I reminded him of Lady Gaga during her more vulnerable unguarded moments, haha. Right, it’s time to put up my guard. You’re not supposed to take advantage of someone’s vulnerability. NOR MISTAKE IT for pain.
I want to school this guy, chew out his ear. He would do best to keep himself on a leash when it comes to women he finds attractive. I guess he never had a girlfriend, or something. I wonder if he has, actually. Because, if he thinks that’s a way to treat a grown ass woman, that’s bizarre. A thirty-year-old woman is not a baby.
Now I’m in check with my instincts — danger danger danger. Stranger danger. Some guy with money, you see, wanting to play silly games. Calling me Carl Jung, in the end, utterly ridiculous. Let us remember: I was JUST A GIRL IN A CAFE.
I feel better, pretty good, I just applied for an assistant position, as I really don’t know what to do, right now, and I’m looking for a change, and I enjoy supporting a person. I need a better job, one with potential for growth, it’s not that I don’t want to pursue performing, etc etc etc, I need to create a life… that functions. I need a day job, a better one, so I can move out of this restaurant job.
I just wish I never spoke about my past. Honestly, honestly, honestly. That brought me nothing but problems.
I keep working behind the scenes on my writing, and I’ve sort of surrendered that I haven’t produced anything yet, that I might not be geared to produce things quickly, in this regard, I don’t know. But the idea that a BOOK was going to CHANGE MY LIFE, or that I could DOWNLOAD the FUTURE, the completed BOOK, specifically the ONE that OPRAH READS, I mean, what a headfuck. I didn’t need that bullshit.
I obviously hope that it will reach some level of success. I just don’t get the utitlity in blowing my head up — I hope for the best case scenario. No? And this guy, it’s funny, he was pretty small, I mean, his life is small. It’s reserved. I didn’t get him.
Anyway, you live and learn, right? I’m just trying to move as fast as I can— get a solid job, that’s my next touchstone. And just move forward as a well rounded, normal person who’s going to live and die just like anybody else. It would be fun to get married, it would be nice to feel as if I were moving UP in the world, to fulfill my greatest potential. That’s what I’m thinking about these days.
So anyway, I spend the last few days pushing these pieces forward. I hope that they’ll be published — I don’t know if I needed to MEDITATE on the probable reality that they already are. I didn’t understand that, at all, especially because this guru isn’t putting that on his other friends my age? His family friends? He’s not TAKING THEM ON as pupils, or whatever this disgusting idea he had was. I hated this relationship. It was practically scary. It brought out the worst in me. He was obsessed with me not being FED as a child, just utterly deranged.
I’m going to keep applying for jobs, and I hope I can get an assistant job, something, so it isn’t writing at all. I don’t want to live a solitary life. I’m not interested in journalism, I don’t think. I’m trying to stick to what makes me feel good.
It’s funny because writing just seemed to be the WRONG road. Like, there are BOOKS out there about scandals, or child abuse, not to say that I can’t MAKE IT BIG OMG OMG OMG where suitors are RUNNING to date me, it’s just, this guru simultaneously is telling me my personality is WRONG. So, what exactly made me so special to this guy? It’s like, now, I go, well, if you want to pursue comedy, you can just go do that, if that’s your take on this whole debacle. It’s not like there isn’t ROOM for drama within it? I’m trying to follow my own instincts now, though I still suffer, yes, from some of these ideas I absorbed.
Like the future thing, that still affects my ability to think. It affected my THINKING. The channeling your future audience routine — holy shit, that was damaging. DO NOT GIVE CHANNELER TAPES to people who have NO IDEA what it is. I was shocked, like, why the fuck is this person giving me channeler tapes?
And all that noise, the “you’re special” routine, had to do with a sex scandal I was in? The guru was not exactly MAN enough to admit his feelings. Like, did he think I was a remarkable person? Was that, a big deal? And so, WHY did he treat me like that? It was SO MALE. MALE. Why was he trying to manipulate me? WHY was he acting like he has psychic senses? In any case, now, I just would rather make friends, go out to dinner dates, find a boyfriend, normal shit. Like, today, I’d pass… I don’t need some weirdo who takes himself to be a supreme being “helping me” but “not wanting a relationship” whatever this strange meditator, obsessed, dude was thinking…
Anyway, I’m off. I have to sing and warm up today. I’m trying to priortize basic life stuff for a minute. I’d like to push these pieces forward, and rehearse for my MOTH night, and keep ridding myself of this GURU— this nightmare, I look back on that man and go, what a nightmare. It just sucks, because I was just operating nonsensically. Getting involved with that man was — degrading. And time heals. That one has taken time, because I was so fucked up, so fucked up by that man’s involvement in my life, that it fuels my hatred for this man, picturing him in his NICE CAR DRIVING TO BEL AIR.
He does LOOK like that. Ridiculous. I was not “unfortunate.”
My family story? It just brought me nothing but fantasy, or talk of greatness? I mean, I was really confused. I hope I’ll be able to make my way up into the world, sure, but what exactly am I going to say? It’s not about FAMILY. It’s about the problems the story brought me ON TOP of coming from a family make up that impacted me adversely. And yet I was such a good person, wasn’t I guru? A nice girl, who had feelings, yes, idiot. The destined for greatness stuff, whoosh. At that point, you might as well make a phone call. You know? I doubt BRAD PITT would have take a cocky seat in his living room, to discuss my personal life, helping me with my MINDSET, okay? Gazing out his window, hands behind his back. That’s how this guy acted. I suppose he had his SIDES, sure, but for the MOST part it was — superior man… a man who meditated his way to success. I just doubt that other MEN, sure, would have acted that way with me. Like, I deserved real friends. Just friends. Looking back at him — what exactly did you WANT from me?
What exactly were YOU, meaning, HIM, getting out of it?
I know that I came from a complicated background that just brought me MORE complications. I can see that now. When the answer was — no! Just NO. REJECT. Where was THAT BUTTON? REJECT REJECT REJECT. I’m pressing it, this is my meditation, currently. I’m REALLY SEEING THE RED SHINY BUTTON, I’m getting to KNOW INTIMATELY the FEEL of the button, when I press it: reject. Reject. I”m in a PLANE in a stupid hat, watching these men fall out of the PLANE. REJECT REJECT REJECT. And now, I’m cruising off to the side… headed home.
I might just go to the longer mic, in general, I’m trying to decide what to do, I should probably just throw myself back — up— and rehearse my five minutes for moth. I might do that, then. I’ll end up at 10 minute mic. I have moments where I — flatline. I don’t know WHY I’m leading with this story… but I’m going to keep seeing what I might be able to do with the content that I have.
I’ll go practice my MOTH five minutes today.