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A very nice man with a very gentle hand. He’s spoken to hundreds of people. He’s spoken to people who totally invented episodes, he’s spoken with people who haven’t, in that, the perpetrator even admitted it. He finds the total imagined bodily experience to be rare, but it’s not outside the realm of possiblity, sure, it’s also. He worked in a mental hospital, early on in his career, where psychotic people truly believed “the devil” raped them, and he doesn’t KNOW if that indicated that they might have been when they were young, even. He doesn’t necessarily see psychosis and repressed trauma as cancelling the other out. He doesn’t have a simplistic understanding of what might be factoring into one’s experience. If I was awakening to this area of my body, generally, and if there was abuse involved, sure, it’s all possible. He, at times, reflected, that he isn’t judging — he speaks to so many people who go through experiences that inspire them to call him, so he can’t tell me whether or not it happened, only that, it could have, not have. So that’s that.
Plus, he called the guru, he called that a suggestive influence. That person evidently had no idea what he was doing, in that, he believed I was repressed. And to this man, “what does that mean?” I said, I told him about the time I called this guru because I started feeling things I didn’t understand, but like, in looking back on that relationship, what the fuck was he even doing on the other end of that call? Talk about not a friend, or someone who cared, literally. That was a head fuck. “FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.” And this man, he doesn’t understand. “I suppose he felt that…” When I called him and said “what’s going on,” he didn’t miss a beat. He didn’t ask me, “I DON’T KNOW, what is HAPPENING?” He said, “don’t you think you were scared?” The sexual trauma specialist found that, “Scared?” Of “suddenly being somewhere else.” “But were you?” I think so, but I don’t know what to say…
But he thought I was repressing the event. “Did he think there was sexual abuse?” And I didn’t know, I didn’t think so. “But he said, you’re probably going to go through experiences….” in this totally disturbing tone. “That’s a suggestive influence.” It doesn’t mean anything, like, you could have go through this revelatory experience, regardless, we got that thread right. “You started writing… and you came to wake up to what happened…” and he’s not manipulating me in any way, meaning, he does not care, for lack of a better word, whether or not I did or didn’t, he’s not trying to convince me of anything, he’s just listening… and responding.
But what a mess. “I mean the confusion” bit to him didn’t sound NEW in my case. But, this man held a belief, based on? Nothing. Just his feeling. Never having even met anyone like me before, I’m almost positive of it. That I would be “going through experiences,” because I was repressed, when WHY would he project that onto me, even given what I might be repressing, which he missed, “yes,” he missed the LIE that my father was a child molester. In terms of suggesting that I was repressed in a creepy fashion. But I had already begun to skid off the rails, with this guy, as some of his ideology had a NEGATIVE effect on me, and if you were to THINK about my background, how that ideology was supposed to help me — I don’t know what this man was thinking, like he was an absolutist, there is only one way, yada yada yada.
In the end, just because — he said, look, I’ve spoken to many people who were entangled in strange relationships too, it was a whole thing. I think I just need the space to continue to not be influenced by people. To let myself take the space… to keep clearing… I have to… he thought I was emotionally repressed? I still don’t understand what the fuck this guy was doing. The guru. Suggesting I was repressed, suggesting some fictional character was a psychological device. I’m speaking to him about the WHOLE of it, who was around me at the time, as that story brought me nothing but complications, weird shit. Weird shit left and right. He was a boy who needed the video game taken away from him. That was strange. I was disturbed, and I didn’t realize that. Our relationship disturbed me, obviously.
And at the same time, I always feel better when I speak to him, Jim, we only spoke twice. I feel better, having process that, without any KIND of energy coming at me, as to what the mix of it could have been. In the end, he said, the important bit, is to feel safe, to feel safe, to feel empowered, evidently, I guess, and continue to honor what I went through, and keep doing what I need to assess the connection — I feel a bodily connection, like, I’m aware of that area of my body in a new way, it seems, I just don’t know what that means. It’s complicated, the experience I went through, where I always come to the other end, feeling hopeful, like I can leave the heartache of the past, particularly the past decade, as I got entangled in relationships I did not need, I did not need to become psychic, on top of it, and I did not need to meet this guru, I wish I never even decided to write my story, to be frank, not this chapter of it.
That just opened me up to weird male energy. He got that point. Just the weirdest MALE energy. I wish I had met someone who said, “maybe don’t write, maybe not at first, maybe you should take care of basics, talk it out, get yourself some professional help around it,” because your family situation is still complicated. You have “another family,” but they don’t get that’s weird, or WHY? As I came out of these awful years, going, why am I in another family literally speaking? It’s a maladaptive pattern. I would sound delusional on the phone with him if I was like, yeah cool, groundless, “so I’m in another family…” because mine was vaguely complicated. I am AWARE now. That I didn’t have to make those decisions, either. I made decisions… a series of choices… because of the situation I came out of…that ultimately did not help me.
I find myself going, I was a nice person… I mean, I was bubbly, vulnerable, sure, around that story with someone I don’t KNOW? Someone I have no clue if I can TRUST? Be real. I wasn’t able to make these connections. I had problems, sure, as these people did too, and I might have wished I worked out my relational problems, meaning, if you can’t SEE based on WHO is in your orbit, mine, of course, that I have problems in the sector of relationships, then I missed a glaringly obvious point. WHY would I keep falling into a trap? That’s why I say, DON’T HELP PEOPLE. You might not be HELPING THEM. Best to stay out. 100%. The help shadow, this maladapative pattern almost killed me. But to Jim, he’s saying, a combination of things might have been at play… and that it’s going to take some time… to feel like I reached a point of clarity, and I might still not be sure, but he evidently hears the story I came out of … just the strangeness of it, and he’s not treating me like I invented it, or that my general confusion wouldn’t be understandable.
It’s more, I went through so much in that area of my body, with influences that I’m still cycling out, like I did not need FALSE expertise. “Repressed why?” Because I didn’t know how to write a book? And the thing is, what was so confusing about this idiot guru, was — I’m vulnerable, to him, that was clear, so why not fuck her up? He can FEEL my pain, even, imagine? Jim. “The second day I hang out with this person…” and it’s like, “what do you mean?” I didn’t THINK of asking these questions because I was SO confused. So WAS I REPRESSED? You fucking lunatic. This Hollywood screenwriter asshole. Like I see you, dickface. Acting like you didn’t DO anything… and the worst bit, is, UHHHH, how does this relate to my father???? If it does? So many in love with me, doesn’t like me, I’m around the MAP with this guy. “But you’re special.” I was special. This he knew.
He needs some help. If he feels that was at all appropriate — he needs help.
But again, I feel better about it, I feel like we take that piece by piece. He’s not rushing. He’s not piling shit on top of me. He’s just, taking it step by step. But he’s spoken to a wide range of people who are seeking support around this subject area. Are you delusional? Um, it doesn’t sound like it, I’m not CLAIMING anything happened, I just don’t know based on what I went through, and he, from his experience, seems to have learned that you can store memories in your body, and some catalyst can awaken you to it, yes, that’s possible. Does that mean my father did it, he doesn’t know. But I at least feel like I spoke to someone with whom I can process the event I had… which includes suggestive influences, which includes… strange ideology that prevented me from being able to speak…
Like, I could have called him earlier, obviously, and gone, “shit, what the fuck?” But the YOU CREATE YOUR OWN REALITY, EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IS BECAUSE YOU WANT IT TO HAPPEN, IT’S YOUR CHOICE, YOU DON’T NEED A DOCTOR, I just. That seriously harmed me. The psychic stuff harmed me. That was ill-advised. So I have to go about my day. I mean, in the end, it was revelatory, wasn’t it? I came to, in a sense, work out what I needed to, and sometimes, the shock of that, the utter rejection I feel for the last decade — like JUST reject it — because I was OPERATING unconsciously regardless, not seeing how illogical these directions were. Like this wasn’t going to help me.
So yeah, that’s how I feel right now, like — the whole last decade, in particular, down the toilet, into the trash, and so, I’m in a better place, even if there’s a residual confusion from the last decade — like, I CAN MAKE IT — when that wasn’t my problem, I don’t think, like not believing in myself? I don’t know if these relationship I was in basically drew out… stuff that could be there potentially, sure, but didn’t really have to be. You know what I mean? SO charging in, putting my story out there, I MUST because some man in Beverly Hills REALLY wanted to get involved, but not really, dee dee dee, whatever the fuck this was. I don’t know what to say about the FAME or SUCCESS shadow, like, I just didn’t understand it.
Sure, I wanted to make it, but why this man cockily took a seat — before me as if I had a problem with it, peering back at this guy, wishing I had told him to FUCK OFF DAY ONE, DAY ONE! “I don’t see a problem with it.” AND? Neither did I! Just impulsivity problems, like someone who can’t NOT cross a line? Sounds like his father. If I’m being PSYCHIC about it. Since this man, or this group of MEN, separate sure, believed I was the PSYCHIC of PSYCHICS, and that was — unnecessary. Had a weird decade. So now, I’m just seeking stability, financial security, sure, seeking to know what me gifts actually are, skills.
People get into abusive relationships, people go through all sorts of things. He just kept going, empowerment, compassion. Like be kind to myself, but it’s hard sometimes because I feel so stupid. I felt so stupid. Like I wasted my young years on ideological nerds. This was my focus. And psychedelics, over here? This person? Now I have a much more well rounded… like i’ll stick to this aspect of my psychology, which exists, needed to be cultivated — making friends, not getting sucked into these weird corners… keeping everything at the APPROPRIATE DISTANCE, yes. So — I don’t miss these people, that’s not what that is, it’s a “I wish I never met you.” So that’s that, that’s what that was.
France was always going to be there, if you would, I’m 39, and coming to understand how long life can be. I could have moved there at ANY time. Again, I had a strange neurological event, which influenced my decision. And I said to him, look, I’m going to digest our most recent talk, and in some time, you might hear from me again, and we can keep talking a little, since I’m just seeking support around this questioning. Has anyone ever reported neurological events? Stuff like that. I made two life decisions, around a couple of experiences I couldn’t explain, where my perception of time, changed. I happened to be in NYC and Paris, at the time.
“I don’t want to be having this convo with you,” but I always feel better when I speak to him, specifically, it’s really true. I mean, my mother was insane, sexually unhinged, I mean, and my father was this hazy figure, and now, I’m contending with what happened, and I can’t really change WHO got wrapped up in that process, who INFLUENCED the direction I went down, the ingredients that were at play. What we know is, I started writing (this guru, yikes) was involved, unfortunately, actually, but I still came to realize what happened, not that I’m speaking about new memories… so I was able to ground, with someone who understands what complexity is.
He was funny, “when you say he was a threat to you? What do you mean?” He asked me. “Did she accuse him of being sexually abusive?” And I said, “yes, sorry, that’s me trying to make it palatable for the world,” and he nodded. Just because it’s such a sensitive subject, and I’m so sensitive to triggers, like I don’t want to use the terms, so he just pointed that out. I don’t want to talk about it, you know, I think, with my closer friends, that it’s hard having gone through a totally confusing experience… because everyone thinks they know what mental health is.
Psychosis? I mean. No one asked me, what did you go through exactly? I was struggling sensationally. I don’t know what the body of these events are, if you would. But I was struggling sensationally, and severely too. It’s just, the mind attempts to WRAP UP, explain, manipulate, even, “oh that’s because this that…” and I’ve gotten over the complications I’ve felt from NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT without SOME WISEMAN trying to TALK TO ME through YOU, th person in front of me, and they’re uncomfortable, unable to handle it, trying to be supportive, and I need to — just let it go. I’m not going to get what I seek, which is more, what he’s for. He’s a trained professional. He’s spoken to hundreds of people. He gets it. He gets it’s not the easiest subject.
I think, the fact that I was so young, shocked me so deeply, that in speaking to people about it, the fact that they don’t seem to register that is strange. Like, Jesus Christ, if my friend told me that, Jesus. That’s insane. I’m blown away with her. I would be the friend checking in, “how did it go?” Okay. Seems to be that complicated. Like he’s spoken to x, y, z, but at least I’m feeling better about the whole thing. “It was insane to begin with…” right? I’m trying to be the friend I don’t have.
“What do you want to do now?”
Recognize my life. If I think about the guru, it’s abyss, heartache, regret, rejection. If I think about the plant people, it’s — a no. I can’t speak, like I know people who didn’t have ambitious goals, they weren’t looking to change the world, or have a career, as a lawyer, or something like that. My one friend has had a career in restaurants, bars, and she’s happy, fine, she wasn’t someone (I guess? I don’t know) who inspired some people to WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE… go insane. Jesus!
Okay, looking at KERI RUSSELL on stage, OKAY, I could become someone… laughing. Vaguely in entertainment or storytelling. I just feel the weight of having made choices that have left me, temporarily, hopefully, without a sense of purpose, meaning, or a sense of having built a career, built anything, really, as I went through a break down, regardless. And now, I’m feeling the pain, momentarily, of not realizing how unsatisfying my choices were, and not knowing what I seek to do…
SURE I was CARL JUNG to the guru, which would probably — Jim would probably just continue on the line of thought he was on, leaving that aside, because this guy was so strangely obsessed with psychology, but not in a benign direction. SURE I was REPRESSED, that was his feedback at the end of an experience when he had no idea IN THE REAL what it was. “IT WAS A THERAPEUTIC EVENT.” Okay??? But he ACTS as if he’s just some WIZARD OF OZ not doing anything on the phone. There might have been revelation, realizations, but I went through a break down… could have been a clusterfuck. Which it was. I had a rude awakening for sure, it seems.
So now, I’ll allow myself to feel better, you know, I mean, I don’t know how these events work, but I went through something and got to the other side without any assistance whatsoever. I feel as though I saw… sides of this world, of people, that broke my heart, because it made me aware of the obstacles people might have, just because they don’t have CLEAN, support, or people who can be real. I mean.
So I’m off, I’m meeting a new friend today, I am dealing with wanting to never write again. Never again… that decade most certainly killed it. Dead. When you just go, hey, wanna write, and you got MEN — OOOOOO rushing in… like, what the fuck? Just because YOU weren’t geared correctly, like now, it wouldn’t even happen. I’m chill, thanks. No interest in x, y, z. That took my life thus far, and a truly painful experience, even so disrespectful, I can’t quite stomach it, but that was the road, and the fact that I was pretty to thse people, or something, it makes me so sad.
Anyhoo, the lawyer and I are going to a concert, life goes on. I wouldn’t chose vulnerability. No in my life. I wouldn’t suggest it. It’s just… a trait that can attract predators. Predatorial energy. Stuff that might not help though it appears sparkly. I would not chose touching people. Not unless you’re in a profession, context, where that has structure around it. I would not be open, nope, just like the rest of the world. People don’t tend to OPEN UP. They tend to remain reserved, and write songs at the juncture that someone has inspired them to take down their walls. So, X.
From a Jesus perspective: they know not what they do.
So thanks for making me feel, as a woman, like I deserved that… as a person too, but these were all men. Like, what woman wouldn’t be insulted if someone said, “in the 15th century, you’d be the one to speak to animals.” Be real, that’s an insulting comment to make. Piece of shit. Just unconscious gears. And in this case, that was severe, the road I went down that broke me down. And all I had to do was keep my mouth shut. “Hm?” Dave Chappelle inspired. “Me? Who? Writing? No no, engineer. Yeah, yeah yeah, just a company on the west coast, prefer not to speak about it.”
“Who? Teacher, yeah, 5 year olds.”
“Hm? NOPE NO ASPIRATIONS AT ALL TO MAKE IT…”
“WHAT? Writing? Nothing, just a tale about some far off land where there’s some battle happening between the Cumlots and Dodoberries, a couple of warring supernatural families who will discover that they are actually related, which will complicate the situation, and they will… it’s really about politics, you know, it’s really about the interconnectedness of us…” just something so far away from myself.
“Hm???”
“Who’s Barbara Harris?” I had TO WATCH OUT at every turn in the USA. “No thanks!!” Just — “um, I’m just a girl who needs a job, maybe I should reach for something, I don’t know, but I tried,” and that’s what I got. “HMMMM???”
“Nope, just going out with friends, you know, trying to find a man, a job,” that’s where I am now. THE CHEST OUT GURU of MAKING IT… that was — horrific. Just horrific. I’m swirling my hands around my figure in rehearsal rooms, coming up with dances with wolves for the molester at the door, with a family of sports stars behind me, Brazilian and Jewish, powerful — can I just put on a show? I suppose I’d like to make it in some capacity, but that was…a lot of what I didn’t need.
Nor did I want that, really, I don’t know. Even writing on this blog, the experience I’m trying to work through, is to let go of this obsessive, I don’t know, this guru I met… like go away. I post on social media, more so because I was — I felt like I went down a direction that didn’t even produce anything. I didn’t want this story to rule my life, quite frankly. So I wish I never spoke about it, even tried to write about it, it didn’t seem to bring out the best in people.
And if it turns out, that the guru was in love with me… in some capacity? Or was? Not really understanding his play at all. And today, I would rip him a new asshole, which he knows, at step one, so he’s just someone who wanted to exert influence on someone. Because if he thinks that was going to help me? I really don’t get it.
He was the ALMIGHTY David. A man of genius. Or else WHY would he have crossed a line? To my Aunt Jane, “men.” Men do that. they disrespect women, can. Which is what he did, though he felt, after meeting me ONCE, it was justified because HE WAS WHO HE WAS. So I slap him across the face from the human heart — mine. Fuck off.
I’m off today, feeling supported by that specialist, feeling like I keep letting it all go, and trying not to give up, exactly, but coming into a new world where these dynamics and relationships don’t exist. Not anymore. You may believe in what you believe, I will believe in what I believe. I will emerge a soldier angel in the new Terminator — one focus, one objective — big guns. Tight clothing. “Get the boy.” Through time, through space, I’m running through it all, flying through the air thanks to a stunt double, I’m someone who inspired this thought in real life. Psychic, gifted, supernatural… able to download INFORMATION from other times. I will emerge Professor X’s protegee. Yes, I can become all these things and more in my one woman show. Look, I was wandering the streets, homeless, even, to come to understand, hear, Professor X. My psychicness, right? was a problem, even. It prevented me from building a real life. That works in X-Men. A new character…
Will rise and go on a journey to become, yes, inspired by Barbara Harris. I’ll have moments where I get shy, showing people what I can do. lol. Professor X will provide me the paternal support, understanding, and a helmet, of course, or some tool to help me focus. “Thank you.” And it will be full of meaning. Magneto will try and steal me, of course, something. I’ll make some classical speech about what it means to be boundless, something. Rising against the darkness in a top hat, something, monocle, where I will begin to train the new crew. “Wiggly that one.”
Is it real? I need to ask the audience that question? Is it true? Am I really an X-Men? Because I was in a sex scandal? But no no no no, nothing to do with it, nothing to do with the psychedelics, nothing. Nope. Just my destiny, to a movie soundtrack…
“Alright let’s begin, probability…” I would stumble over the words, because it is the first time I have ever spoken of the future, why it’s unreliable… but I will reach… and try to navigate this territory… to move faster than they, the forces of darkness. Storm behind me. I will remain one step ahead. Martial arts.
So I can make fun, I guess. I mostly want to meet someone. I want the experience of having met someone that actually loves me, basically. Thanks for the esoteric roller coaster ride. I think I’d like to get satisfied, feeling strange about putting it this way, with just being a person again…? So I want this blog writing to come to an end, because I need to prioritize my time differently, because I have to get out of this restaurant job, which is simply stated, because I don’t want to work in this capacity.
And I want the guru to literally never even be a thought in my mind again. I keep telling myself, alchemize these experiences, though I’m in a bit of a fantasy genre movie mode, where I’m going to want to destroy — and maybe Magneto or Professor X, or Wolverine, most likely, as this concerns pain, will be able to stop me… I don’t know. But I want to destroy, to a clinical degree of precision: every detail, every morsel, to an insane degree of precision. Fire breathing dragon.
This is how I feel currently, and there’s a character and space for it, Star Wars. I’m basically STEPPING onto the moon — peering at that spaceship. Target. So it’s alright, I just give myself the space to feel that way, and keep going. I admit that I just wasn’t expecting to run into those problems, or problems, that would make me question who I am, or what the point of life is, as I came out just very different, and thoughtful about my parents, especially my mother because she was so insane. I was not a plaything. I was a person.
And to be frank, I’m not interested in the wiseman, right now, I had enough of those.