When I work at this restaurant, it has nothing to do with them, I can start feeling antsy because I don’t want to be here, as a person. It’s a gaping cry — like why — why did these men come into my life?
What sucks the most, and the experience I had earlier today speaks to some of the stupid cognitive issues I developed because of these Beverly Hills gurus I met. Like, the guru was obsessed with “the future writes the past.” That was terrible. It still is. But the heartbreak I feel is so wrapped up in what happened to my mind, like I just want to cry, though I’ve cried myself out, I’m dry, I’m basically past it, what happened, I’m almost totally over it, I just have tender, aching moments, because I had to go through unreality, or these pointless, useless, relationships to get here that hurt me, you see, they harmed me. They didn’t do me any good. And these men, no offense to myself, but I should have seen the red flags, and I didn’t.
In any case, the lingering headfuck, okay? He’s saying you can download the book that’s already done in the future, the most successful version, even. His brother is giving me channeler tapes, telling me to reach out to my audience, with this visualization via this channeler, and that mental direction was detrimental. Unnecessary. Masterbatory.
I get these funny apparitions like Mr. Norton popping up, the actor, I wrote in my last post, that he then gives me an idea — which is mine, obviously, but it’s the effect these men’s influence had on my life, like they would legitimately tell me, “that’s the energy of Ed Norton,” for real, “that we telepathically communicate,” even, which is really funny, that “you can do that,” sure, I can think, hmmmm, what would Edward Norton say? And maybe that would make me really consider that, and maybe that might give me a strong idea, sure, it’s more the way these thoughts enter my head. Like it’s an external directed way of thinking, you see, that’s the problem I still sometimes have… I could MAKE IT IN SOME CAPACITY, I COULD BE FAMOUS, RICH, (as a writer), but it DIDN’T MATTER WHAT HOW which was… full circle, like why are you here? Why am I here? If you live in some weird full circle of not giving a shit about anything? This guru, man. You know? SO YOU ARE PSYCHIC, ABLE TO TAP INTO THE REAL ENERGY OF NO MATTER WHO IT IS. Edward Norton WANTS you to put on this show, he wants to go see it, “good job,” that’s how these gurus talk, okay? They would say “that’s a good mental activity,” because it “implies a lot.” I have to laugh. They were a touch ridiculous.
So, every now and then, if I’m… just rehearsing, you know, just thinking about a show, very simply, I have this knee-jerk reaction where a thought form will appear giving me information. I’m trying to filter out the, uh, “there’s a FUTURE SPINNING UP,” as the guru called it, “you’re SPINNING IT UP,” all this talk about ENERGY, WAVES, I mean this man was insane. “You’re SPINNING UP ENERGY.” I look back on this relationship 100% appalled. His behavior was — also — totally crazy. That guy totally misread me, manipulated me, with his psychic senses, he acted as if he FELT everything, you see, he had superior feeling senses, supreme. And I fell for it, imagine? Like, why I INSIDE some New Age sci-fi?
I laughed at Mr. Norton appearing as “another idea,” thinking, “yeah,” I mean, I would love to succeed in life, it would be awesome if I put on a show that went well, sure, THAT WELL, and I’m laughing, just laughing at Mr. Norton… I’d love him to be there, sure, and I’m laughing. It’s the way that these guru’s ideas stimulated my mind… like the DOWNLOAD the future, DOWNLOAD the information, reach out to your audience, energetically… this was a goddamn mess. Jesus Christ, YEAH, why me? Do you think that a girl wants to be treated like that? I was just, I still am, BLOWN AWAY by the last decade.
Even going into performing again, this GURU was a fucking magician, the Wizard of OZ, in wanting to CONCOCT potions, spells, incantations, (in FEELING, for sure), that I could be LADY GAGA, a STAR, MADONNA level, which is — cool and all, that he FELT THAT WAY ABOUT ME, I’M JUST AWARE THAT A BOY (in a man’s body?) developed a bizarre crush on me? I do not know. But WHY tthis man got into my PERSONAL AFFAIRS day ONE? W hy this man inserted himself into my life as the catepillar from Alice in Wonderland, as he weirdly pointed at me across his living room — I do not know. I’m looking back at this like, “no no no no, asshole, no.” He pointed to me — “KNOOOOOOW what do you wanna KNOOOOOOOWWWW” this Hollywood screenwriter. I mean, really? “Life is not what you wanna DOOOOOO,” this man acted like a guru. He sounded and acted also like the catepillar from Alice in Wonderland. “What do you wanna knooooowwww…” shaking his pointer finger at me.
And, like, I look back at myself — like, WTF? WHAT are you doing getting closer to this person, you complete moron, but I was struck. I was stuck on a line, where I didn’t know why people spoke to me in the way that they did… like why, does this, in a sense, keep happening. BECAUSE I had this stupid story, and a pretty face, a type, even, I guess, who was vulnerable around THAT STORY — you pieces of shit. Not everyone ACTS that way with me, you know? But man, I hated this story so much, and I wish I flushed it down the toilet — like no, here is psychic fire, the divine kind, as the guru believes I am “divinely inspired,” my birth was DIVINE, yes, literally, because — wait for it — “I was born to parents who weren’t there.” That was a piece of feedback this lunatic gave me when he read one of my drafts… a period in time that’s too horrific, when this guru decided to mentor my drafts. NOPE — psychic fire, should have NEVER gotten there, with this person, no. This person at STEP ONE was a NO. So psychic fire, right now, sorry I have to laugh, it’s blazing across the psycho spiritual plane that we all can meet and greet on, “things work different there,” you see what I mean? The collective, I suppose. I’m shooting psychic fire, (Obama is laughing), at the guru — final showdown. I hated this story because it affected people — fuck you. Go get your “fill”—elsewhere.
And that’s all I had to say.
But I couldn’t fucking think thanks to this terrible relationship with this guru. Terrible. This isn’t a, uh, I miss any times between us, that was a, uh, that’s a red flag. Why am I discussing my “pain” with you night two, like, “I can feel your pain,” this emotional manipulator asshole. It’s called vulnerability, douchebag, meaning, you’re confusing vulnerability for pain. You don’t know what that is, apparently, as in, I can’t help if that story affected me, you piece of shit. I have my moments, with this GUY, with this GUY, I want to RISE — I want to SHOOT (the ghost of Barbara Harris really cracking up ) — lampoons through psycho spiritual plane — hooks, I’m reaching out to the celebrities on the psycho spiritual plane — HELP ME GET TO YOUR LIVING ROOM SO I CAN CHEW THIS MOTHER FUCKER OUT. Please. ON National TV. NETFLIX. I desire, deeply, to say these words: “do not fuck with a Neapolitan, YOU SEE? You DO NOT, Sorrentino, yes, the FILMMAKER, he’s already o fan. Sorrentino is going to recognize me, you see, as a Neapolitan. “This MAN fucked with a Neapolitan.” There’s only one way that’s going to go: BLOW.
“Vesuvius is my father.”
Touch the ground. Rise again.
“Vesuvius is my father.” This is what we believe, in Naples. This is not a volcano, cosmic force, fire god, it’s Dad. So, you know, I’ve had my moments… where I’m making fun of this TV SHOW called looney tunes I was in for way too long, too many seasons, it deserved to get cut. Sometimes — I want to USE these magical powers that they say exists, all the same, like LAMPOONING — a message to Kim Kardashian, “HELP me, HELP Me get to you…give me the information…” meaning, “RELAY BACK the NETFLIX special you’re watching in that future BACK TO ME…” you see what I mean? About the guru’s logic? I need YOU to WATCH this Netflix special, I’m not asking to meet you, no worries there, I’m ASKING you, Kim Kardashian, in the future, all futures, but specifically the FUTURE in which you’re jazzed about checking out my NETFLIX show, you’re going to sit down, and it’s going to make you laugh from beginning to end, you’re really enjoying it. I might get a call from Tom Cruise, congratulatory, simply. “That was funny.” This is the FUTURE the guru believed I could CONJURE, SPIN UP, and I want — VERY DEEPLY to get there, you see. So I can SAY these words.
“You do NOT FUCK with a NEAPOLITAN.”
So, like, I have my moments of wanting to use his techniques to get THERE. WTF? I needed the GHOST of a goddamn actress to help me through this — thank God a actress was haunting me. Anyway, jokes aside, I still battle with my own mind, I’m still reprogramming, and what sucks, what really sucks, is that I have — still, people who cycle through m mind now when I think, that’s it, when I think, I have whoever these audience members are… cycling through my head… like the future writes the past, it’s changed how I think. I’m still — letting that change. It’s not always like that, but these gurus really fucked me up. That really fucked me up. The psychic period fucked me up. I got fucked up. And do I hope that… thse words lead me somewhere, yes, I do.
Again, Sorrentino, paging Sorrentino on the psychic spiritual plane — and to Sorrentino, this will make him laugh, because in Naples, the imagination is a real place. The Neapolitans haven’t lost the ancient intuitive systems of functioning. They saw “sparkles” for real around me, “there are sparkles around you,” they are super superstitious, they’re hilarious, everyone has seen the devil, yes, in Naples, everyone, but this messed with my mind. So — I’m still deprogramming. I have to unlearn everything I learned. No thanks. That was a horror show. So I can’t even deal with any of it. I can’t deal with positively ideating, hypnosis, this was not my problem. Not at all.
I keep having these moments where I touch my heart, like, I hope that I’ll figure it out, that I take a path with abundance in it, sure, that I’ll succeed, sure. Especially after that. Just for the Netflix special that KIM KARDASHIAN Is watching. Not only is she watching, no, she’s watching in every possible iteration that my Netflix special could become. I need her to SEND ME specifically the COMEDY ROUTINE I am doing that is making her LAUGH really hard, tune in, keep watching. I need Dave Chappelle on that channel, yes. I need… going down the line… these people watching me, most certainly. “I MEAN WHAT I SAY.”
“Do not MESS with a Neapolitan.”
They will do whatever will be necessary… to LAND ON NETFLIX, yes. TO CALL YOU OUT ON THE PUBLIC SQUARE. You are in MY TERRITORY. This is where we come alive. A NEAPOLITAN is ALWAYS ON STAGE, hear. So again, I cycle through these moments, and I hope I’ll get there, what can I tell you? With the ghost of Barbara Harris, a woman who could CONVINCE you, who could play a character from the afterlife, that’s a believable character that she could play, and it was funny. I don’t know what that means, but I’m just joking around… I would say she was a highlight from this decade, but I don’t know what yet… I’m mostly joking, on that one, that’s more — a response to the guru’s comment that “the line between life and death is arbitrary.” Which, I don’t evne know how to tackle it, I need to talk to a Neapolitan. I don’t know if that kind of thinking is a GOOD SIGN. A sign of health. You want the line between life and death to have reality to it, in that, DEATH is real. Sure, there might be an other side, the underworld, to us, yes, it’s just over there. The entrance to the underworld is in Naples, by the way, it’s still there.
I don’t know, that was part of the psychic stuff that messed with me, or that I had problems with, so “the ghost of Barbara Harris” who is skilled at skating this line, expertly, um, I have to make fun of it, a little, punch some holes in it because — relax. You know? People die. Not to say I myself haven’t had, a couple of mysterious experiences, YES, with Barbara Harris, specifically, too, which was really funny, but I don’t understand the IT’S REALLY HER, this very literal, blocky, like I’m communicating with her, I don’t get that. That belief system, that caused me… problems I didn’t have. I didn’t have these problems. Before. I didn’t need to become psychic, Professor X’s protegee. I suppose it would be COOL, it would be, if I could PLAY that character in X-MEN, yes. That would be fun. But that’s about it. It would be FUN to PLAY that character. To wear a monocle, sure, sizing you up, a psychic. I need to focus my psychic eye, you see, I need a lens. “Remember me.” That’s the response. If it turns out that — KIM KARDASHIAN will INDEED be watching me on NETFLIX, this special, in the future, I will address that onstage, in the moment, and I’m going to just say, um, “it worked.” I DUG DEEPER, REACHED extremely CLEARLY into this future, and I made an alliance with KIM KARDASHIAN, CEO OF SKIMS, on the psycho spiritual plane. Help me… please… President Barack Obama… listen to this crazy shit this person told me… I wanted to tell him, specifically. If it turns out that I BLEW OUT a fuse, where I’m navigating over Spielberg, just to get to the NETFLIX special, if it turns out it worked, then I will thank everyone for their superhuman assistance on the psycho spiritual plane… that’s according to some belief systems, the other SPACE on which we all meet. We all actually meet one another psychically, that’s what these people believe. That’s just not that useful or fun? Who cares?
I’m telling you — utter exhaustion.
I like the idea of doing a show, or performing again, so I’m trying to trust that through this restabilizing period, like I can make it, but you see, the guru acted as if I didn’t know that, I can’t totally tell why this guru projected that onto me, so I have to take a step back, like, I didn’t need to make that a problem… like you can make it, be successful, at anything, though this was career wise? I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand why he felt I had a problem with not knowing I could make it, because I asked if I was a lamborghini chick, because my friend said that, “am I? Really?” The girl in the passenger seat? “It’s YOUR Lamborghini,” no no no. You don’t understand. “If I’m a LAMBORGHINI chick,” and I don’t know it, I need to ADJUST my strategy generally. I need to do a make over, buy different clothes, walk around…yes, hello, (the ghost of Barbara Harris tuning in) “I’m the lamborghini chick, I’m the lamborghini girl, yes, the original one.” in any case, I didn’t need to have additional pressures… like now I HAVE TO MAKE IT — I was writing a book. I wanted to make it, it’s not that, but wow, that was really really complicated.
I don’t have money, I have to start over, and I jsut wish the pictures, or the “audience” cycling through my thoughts, as if you’re reading these words, so to speak, in the future, I just want that cognition to go away. it’s just when I’m thinking out loud, like I’m doing right now, it’s terrible. I just want — I’ve gotten there — that aspect of it to go away. Like, whatever this future is I’m spinning up, just because I didn’t need to think that way, can it go away… I do not want to connect with “audience members…” you see. No one at this NETFLIX reception would SUGGEST doing that. I guess I really absorbed that, I really was vulnerable in a particular way, I just didn’t see this at all.
So hopefully my thoughts will continue to clear… so I can just be a person in the present moment. I’m not internally geared to reach externally… to the future, even, like, I just did not need this shit. That was pretty oppressive.
“The thing is,” if I get to NETFLIX, Sorrentino will say calmly, “the thing is, you messed with a Neapolitan. You pissed off a Neapolitan…” he’s not suggesting that you do that. He’s not going to suggest it. Because — this is the response. Hopefully, it’s well conceived, but this is the response. My cousins would be laughing. It wouldn’t matter if I went DARK for years… like for this one… I’m supernaturally going dark… you will not hear from me for YEARS, but I will blow. Blow big.
In any case, I’m just laughing, and I need to go to bed. I’m talking to this specialist tomrrow, as I’m just seeing a variety of people…to help me through what happened this past decade. So I’ll see what he says, and I’ll take that step by step, as I’m taking the whole thing, and I want to manifest a better job right now… that’s what I’d like to manifest, if you can do that. Sure, I manifest a TV show, but you cannot “clog” the psycho spiritual plane, it just gets confusing. So, I’d like to manifest a better job. To move onto the next in that regard. Where I rehearse in the evenings, weekends, just normal, so I can go out, normally, see shows.
I have absolutely no idea…what the hell I was doing, truly. So now, I’m feeling the consequences of my decisions, in my basic, real life, which sucks, because these men who presented themselves as experts where not at all… not at all… not an expert on how to be me… how to make things happen… what my tastes should be… just, I was better on my own, I didn’t expect to meet these men… that was particular, too, if that had to do with my parents, I don’t know, if I. was really really in the dark, about what happened to me? I don’t know. Is that true? Is everything about your childhood? Should we evolve our thinking, think about it. Evolution. It doesn’t HAVE to be that way, this is the fundamental point I’m trying to make.
No absolutism.
The over identifying everything that happens with your childhood, I mean, I don’t know what to say in my case. Wake up. YOU’RE attracting weird shit, why??? THINK. Say bye bye. Time to evolve. Something’s not working.
So that’s that, LAMPOONING President Barack Obama (Michelle laughing) sending up flares on the psycho spiritual plane — help me get into your TV… start laughing, enjoying my comedy segment, whatever THIS reality is, please help me make it a reality. Thank you. Send me the INFORMATION from that future…. “and then you said…” so I have to clown around now. I have to make fun of it because this guru’s ideology actually affected how I think. So now I gotta just get back to — Maria Mocerino in present time. She’s in present time and she’s taking steps forward — clear steps — and in ten steps, I’ll be ten steps… in a sense, but it’s one, then two, then three, then four — if some BIRD swoops in suddenly with 500k in cash… please do, please deliver this amount to me in cash, for no reason, I do not want to CLOSE that door… as if that thinking even produces the possibility of that arriving, I don’t know. When it came to this person, I wanted to totally debate with this person in public. Like, this sort of thinking… that was so unnecessarily complicated.
That’s it for the evening, maybe there’s some good stuff in here… and please KIM KARDASHIAN. Hold the focus. Help me get to your TV. Sorrentino, please.
Good night.