Once Upon a Time on Miracle Mile and you know what was crazy about the 5 AM message?

Took a nice — the operative word in Once Upon a Time on Miracle Mile — walk. I thought maybe I needed to take the day; it’s only been a week, but it feels like two, so I got out another draft of Christmas in Naples is a Sport that might be closer to the narrative voice, I don’t know. I’m still blocking it out…and trying to surrender to needing to unplug for a moment.

So, I took Once Upon a Time on Miracle Mile out for a walk.

I haven’t spoken to the producer yet, but I spent some time with it — thinking about it internally, how Maria gets integrated into this family…the tennis coach…since Maria has superstar potential, maybe, due to her anger, even, she’s a beast, okay? Go, go, go with her cute face. RAR. He can show her videos of players losing it. Yah! He can tire her out, try to, to alleviate some of the problems at home where she’s turning the house, truly speaking, upside down… picturing this tennis coach showing up in court in the end — like YOU IDIOTS, this is the FUTURE. Just because, right now, I put, she might be gifted in some way…

And I was just thinking whether or not the Brazilian mother tries to keep it a secret at first, for sure, from her kids, but her husband…and at what point everyone finds out and then how they work together to help this baby from that point of understanding.

Just because, for the moment, remembering the Bible I produced, it totally works, the basic arc is there, you get the drama — there’s a lot of it — Nicole and Maria climbing up to the treehouse (lol) that’s been taken over by bees as a fight escalates between the parents since MARIA bit Nicole! But their bond is unbreakable.

So there’s no problem with what I did, I just don’t know how long any of this reads…so I figured that would work itself out. I have to clarify that the lambada, a dance about sex, is going to wrap this little girl up — in a PG sense — who is in this Brazilian-Jewish household due to sexual abuse, potentially, this is the stage. And this wildly hilarious sex goddess (Nina from The Forbidden Dance) is going to make this innocent …? For her.

That isn’t totally clear, but it was the year that this song took the world by storm too, which…is sort of amazing timing, no? 1989.

Should I make some adjustments, like I forgot “Through the Years!” It cannot be forgotten. Their family videos. they play, too, they made those family videos often. And The Breakfast Club is more of the vibe, the type of family portrait it is — it’s these people who get this girl through this situation. That kind of nostalgic group vibe…hilarious. Like, sure, I watched St Elmo’s Fire, like he slept with her, almost killed him, she’s a drug addict — and we made it through. Together. More for that poster. 9 people. A family of 9 people. In red sweaters, something.

The beginning — I had like four beginnings in mind — even remembering Only You, actually, with the couple’s portraits, so I’ll get there. But Little Miss Sunshine as a debut totally works — that’s basically what I pictured since she goes and gets him and brings him home — straightforward. And I got the shot with that HUGE SMILE princess behind her… that opening shot.

I keep on visualizing that movie…full steam ahead… thinking about that father…going to need some scenes with him and her…just wanting to make sure that’s going to attract a strong male lead… I keep meditating on that team mentality… the lot of them (Little Miss Sunshine) having to go get Maria from dicey, dark situations too. Just because it was that crazy.

In the synopsis, I have a scene in the car, in the dark, on the way over to her house to confront the situation. Except, I don’t know yet with foster care if that would be possible. So that’s the section to build. How it comes to a head — since that’s the central drama, in fact, social services. But, the real, eek, story, gives these people plenty of dramatic situations that they have to navigate through…

There’s the weirddddd Christmas party where Dr. J is dying in a bed, and yikes, what even was that? A set-up? Right? I found myself at a Christmas party at my house — at 7! — and I didn’t see my parents all evening, came to understand that in the middle of this weird ass party. She’s upstairs dying though, as she does, and I figured that my father is downstairs. So there’s that time. There’s money involved, some kind of manipulative talk going on, um, she might not be sure, just complicated.

This Brazilian mother drops me off. So this gets dark.

There’s the next time that she drops Maria off at home as the situation spins out of control, the money runs out, Dr. J hides behind a protector, NO ONE picks her up! Maria gets into trouble with Dr. J’s protector (for real) and Maria runs away — which is where I saw this family coming to get her… Nicole says “Gemini” as José Lieberman flies like the wind across La Tijera Shopping Center. “Fire,” Maria, on her way to the Sheriff’s Office… in socks. Get in the van! You can just picture it.

“Who the — who is that?!!”

“A protector?”

Then, once the authorities get involved, that’s the next — eeeekk — level, like, you think this is RISKY, assuming that she’s going to be taken away and put in some kind of house since she’s on the edge. I imagine that they have — I think I read that somewhere — holding houses. All of this I have to verify once I get there — and I already have someone legit I can call. A lawyer. For foster care kids.

I don’t know why it feels so satisfying to have this lethal group of people — busting her out of… one of these houses… before the trial… because she’s at risk. That’s the point. And that — flair up. Just Michele — the atomic blond — coming up to bat… with this family. These kids, look, um, this mother, this father, these people — these were professional athletes. By like sixteen.

And in the end, the courtroom scene turns around whether or not this family is going to get to keep her due to everything that’s happened, but sexual abuse is — the producer, “hm hm” — the subject matter. I thought that it would be timely and satisfying — this kind of court room scene in the end… where you see them come back together. Just her face, this Brazilian mother, “oh my GOD…” she couldn’t believe it from beginning to end. Honestly.

I guess I did my thinking around it, what needs to be tweaked, but as it takes place mostly in one house that has a holy vibe which I thought was stirring, pretty, what you’d expect, Miracle Mile — with the darkness that begins to “encloak” the house… it’s not a word but it should be.

I figure that this producer will tell me where to insert the dance beginning to move through Maria, which is vaguely there right now, I think, the seeds are, and where Anthony might stop the approach they are taking with this baby — and then, how to make the unit of them begin to fold her in, like those rum cakes… since she’s whipping up rum cakes, literally, always, for the city of Los Angeles. In that first part sequence and I thought I did a fantastic job with that one, you begin to see that, with Nicole teaching Maria the steps…

There’s so much activity around this mother — it’s crazy — but at least, in the synopsis as it reads right now, you get how she’s going to get wrapped up, how this is going to spin, and how the dance fits into it. I felt really proud of myself today.

Anyway, I’m excited about that, and sometimes, I just need to think that — that’s happening. It’s the Nina from The Forbidden Dance meets Troop Beverly Hills, I thought that might capture the comedic side of these characters meeting, though Dr. J is an executive, again, a high-powered person, with a very chic exterior…though she’s brilliantly strange. The Immensità images captures the real drama of a strong female lead who’s going to lose her mind. Emotional. In a sense, she doesn’t burn down the house, but there’s room for metaphor, for slightly otherworldly touches…as this warps… depends on the director, I thought, no?

So then, in my defense, okay?

With the 5 AM message that came through my website after I asked for my money back…about my actual bank being shut down…can’t change how I reacted, the physical impact of it, and the psychological tension I was under as I was wrestling with whether or not these lies about my father were true, quite simply, but — you see, one of these men, in my defense, came back around after I got out of the hospital and farted on the phone! He called me a good friend and then farted long — people. So my fears that one of them sent me this message are merited. And again, due to the…fart…now, I’m going in, ARE YOU SERIOUS? Did you just fart? I mean, at least to give myself a little love as to why that continued to be confusing. My friend, ex friend, “my manager” person, like I needed this! Even said that this person isn’t your friend. That was his impression on the phone.

That was one heck of a year, man, one heck of a year, just opening up the past. One year. That’s it.

But now, I feel amazing, four years later — I’m here. So, I needed a few years, and I’ll talk to someone eventually about what I went through, but night and day, four years later. So interesting, that court room scene, it might be a longer movie, but then, just based on these movement sequences, I’m not sure, so there’s a lawyer that comes through, or that scene will be a tight slice.

Not to say that my movie bible was perfect. I got zero notes, zero direction, really, just the Stranger Things bible and one movie, as a suggestion. I studied it, right, did my best on that one, especially for Style and Tone.

He didn’t want to tell me what to do, which I so appreciated, and on my walk, I thought back to A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints, someone looking back on all this. I did that one too, it just turned out to be a different movie.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but the family-centered film felt the most relatable, emotional, and gripping. Especially with the lambada and the theme of child abuse… wow. This family. The cultures — truly — present in that house and thinking about how much people have been through, the rainbows…as the crystal chandelier in the foyer is a central image that casts rainbows across the walls…during these epic family parties.

I can’t wait to have a meeting with this producer and discuss what needs to be cleared up, pumped up, toned down, just in terms of how I’m presenting it, but as a movie idea, I felt so proud of myself. That’s a complete vision, I thought. Even visually. And, tripping over some sidewalk, I always felt like it would make a really good picture.

Just thinking about that courtroom scene in the end, and we’re going to see a family that’s brought to a breaking point — at least between the wife and husband — but these are a super strong committed group of people who are going to make it through for this baby they never thought they…were going to…get… as in it was a surprise, indeed, but this one takes the cake, doesn’t it?

They got taken for a real joyride, this woman, as my mother’s name is Dr. Joy, for now, since it’s her name, practically…but you get why they fall in love with her too. Like, is she a gangster? I mean, is she involved in illegal activity? This is what I mean. I don’t know. I don’t think so, but then, the ingredients are there — too. You know, get some……super theatrical, unreal woman in some outrageous situation….

Maria is hilarious — and sort of fits in with them, and becomes her own thing. I love that she might be a dancer…or something…in the end… again, this part I’ll figure out, if she’s got the killer backhand, which I did, apparently, “great backhand,” it was known. WHACK — I’m whacking. They all are dancers, though, but none of them are dancers, creative, let’s say, so I thought given the dance that might help her heal, in a sense, so moving, I mean, really, how strange that I just found myself in this situation… and plus, um, do they check? In these cases? They must? Do they? Really! Meaning, do they examine children in these situations? There’s nothing but — gasps, and uhhh, in this one. And this family — pro athletes — just the six of them — are, truly speaking, an unbreakable unit. Like, the eldest daughter, her husband is a lawyer, I don’t remember what he specialized in, but — make it relevant somehow, even. You see. They aren’t rich, per se, but they have Beverly Hills connections. WTF? Dr. J? Lunacy!

Jose Lieberman (a name you cannot compete with) I just wish that Ben Stiller was sixteen, basically. I could so picture him in all blacks, suddenly, at this party, embodying this amazing blend of Brazilian and Jewish — the most like his mother out of everybody, which is truly funny. Speaking three languages — diffusing the Hebrew prayers. Holy cow, a very real story. But that’s basically who it is — it’s Ben Stiller as JOSE Lieberman — maybe Joaquin Phoenix with eyes like laser beams — who becomes her true guardian. He knows her the best, knows her moves as if she’s an opponent on the field. Truly speaking.

So, I thought about the references I used, too, Heavenly Creatures— totally. That one, if you picture the scene where this Brazilian mother takes Maria out of her house…Dr. J waving goodbye from that condo on Fairview Blvd looks like a white tower. So there’s elements of that, especially around the GAME that this mother begins to play with Maria’s father who acts beyond bizarrely. This looming figure at the door. “A nice game, time to play a nice game.”

And sports are just so immensely popular… and this is a real superstar athletic family. With the youngest — her astrology book. The first couple of kids, I have to work out, if they are slightly younger, but the eldest isn’t, even if she’s in her twenties, so this woman has grandkids! On top of it. On her sweater. Coming over, all the time. The second is a doctor, so we’ll see, they all play tennis, they can’t…not. Except the 3rd and 4th are soccer pros, literally. Jose being, really, the true tennis star of this group of people. As far as I know.

Just the fact that these people had SIX kids to begin with! I didn’t end up at, you know, some family with a couple of kids. Six. So great.

I have a deep knowing with that one, just a deep deep knowing.

I put in sports images in there too because, well, what movie am I going to reference?Just to give a sense of the dynamism of this group of people…? The high intensity? It was a theatrical environment. Celine Dion. Céline, it should be said correctly. The perfect drama/comedy note, just because of how epic and serious all of this is… and I know… just given the circumstances… my heart will go on… not the song, but you get the picture, it’s The Power of Love and I think, I had this download Because You Loved Me…being a final note, maybe, with that picture of The Little Princess with her hands up that’s on my cover…a miracle, too, in the end, since Brad did say that at a lambada party, a real Jew, on top of it, as hot Brazilian women are calling his name. He gave me the 411 on the situation, since there’s an inherent tension, if you’re paying attention, because this mother converted. So, in his family, he couldn’t date one of them, tells me our future is strictly platonic, lol, sorry to disappoint me, and that’s very real and true. A man born to be a lawyer — no choice, no choice there.

He called it a miracle.

And, it really happened, just nuts. I mean, I hope it makes you laugh, like, because it’s true. It’s all true. She invited or — ? — my father came over — and she told him that Dr. J had lied about him…since she begins, all by herself, to lose sight of what’s what, Dr. J bounces, no money, she can’t just “drop me off” because it’s unsafe, even, in real life… which was terrible to put together in the REAL.

But she tells him, this scene, that she lied that he was a child molester, on the light end, and by his reaction, she wasn’t able to process all this for real, you’re going to go…wait, what? “She can stay here until he figures this out.” Thanks, that look between the kids in Parenthood, spot on, what?

I felt laughter out there. This figure of their father not Maria’s — since in real life, he wasn’t there, he worked constantly — came to a CLOSE UP, blinking, you did WHAT? HE SAID WHAT? Wouldn’t someone FLIP out? She drops Maria off, right now, because she can’t take it (in this version). She can’t see straight anymore, just the craziness…so I have to work out who knows what, when, and just how this already truly complicated situation turns to make sure the key players have their juicy moments.

INTO THE VAN!

I thought, since Dr. J cruises on by without a top on, also, wow, in the middle of all this, which tips the family into the “time to call social services” section with some heartbreaking and hilarious phone toss — like, no one wants to do this, and she’s trying to get this woman to leave her husband, and she’s going to start spinning in another kooky direction — is this not true? Does her husband come home one night INSTEAD of Maria’s father… or do they cross paths… and does he forget his keys, (always does, right?), and basically stumbles on some FREAK SHOW. WHAT? Again, what he knows when — I’ll work out those details. “DETAILS?” I would lose it, personally, if I found out that my daughter got roped into some ludicrous game for a child molester? “She” doesn’t know what’s going on, (the real girl didn’t know but she remembers us playing for him), however, if I found this out — I would blow. This father ended up being “me,” um, hilariously, at times, trying to piece together what the F is going here… just because who, on God’s GREEN EARTH, maybe he can say, would want to be in THIS situation?

But these sort of situations — how do I explain this? Things get out of control? You think, hm, sure, I’ll help out some rich, educated, I mean, my mother was a businesswoman, not a housewife, in a limo — and THEN, the husband starts acting ridiculously strange, and step by step — since I studied it, the TIES to the situation are also reinforced by the dark, shadow, as she’s “taking money” which feels odd, so she technically works for this person, and I’ve seen the reality of denial, the dark side of “good intentions.” All that is true. Too.

But an advantage to it, as a story, is that it lends itself to LARGE moments. So, you begin here, and by the end, you might not be…married anymore… you see. I’ll have to design this step by step, because it’s actually a big deal.

I don’t know, maybe he’s aware earlier, maybe this causes tension in its own way… that amount of money ain’t nothing, either, so there’s plenty I can do to make this complicated for both these parents with six kids, but — he’s going to say F the money. This has got to get dramatic, comedic, WTF. And she’s dancing, in some capacity, regardless. But in Immensità, at least, there’s two POVs, how this irons out in the end, dunno, but there’s MARIA watching the show of her, them, though it’s more of an ensemble with a strong female and male lead, right? Maybe it’s Maria’s VO that centers itself around the lambada… the language isn’t quite right yet, but the sentiment is, like it’s a sad song that becomes a celebration. There’s nothing but tear-jerking opportunities here! Just the transformational power of the dance, of music, since they’re listening to love songs throughout…maybe Andy Sandberg, too, for Jose? Someone like that, lol. They have to listen to these… Maria loves it, cracking up, while they snap. Like she does. Pay attention. And these are loud, windows down, through the streets of LA. It’s true though. “MOM!” Portuguese. And Jose and Angelita are snapping at one another.

PAY ATTENTION! We had to listen to these songs. Understand what LOVE is. It’s true though, I laughed all the way, so that’s true too.

Scenes can happen at the family parties… everyone came over, regardless. Truly. Can get a touch garish. Fluid. The teams, friends, associates. Dr. J — her topless moment — could happen at one of these parties to raise the stakes of it, even, since his job is going to get rocky, something, if necessary, since he has to handle this, or that becomes unstable. How far out of the house I’ll go, I don’t know, we’ll see, but I thought I’d keep it rather tight, regardless. I mean, these kids didn’t know, I’m pretty sure, but I remember Michele and Jose, particularly, confronting their mother — WHAT is she doing here? I mean, for real! Who is this bitch?! Nicole taking my little hand. But they will. It has to, in a sense, threaten their operation.

They’re going to have to get through this. Through. The only way, they know, is through.

Crazy, isn’t it? That these people found themselves in this?

And Maria is this link, I thought that was strong too, between all the realities going on…the games she plays with Nicole in the yard…the normal sibling drama… with this CRA-ZY game that begins to diffuse around Maria’s father, since he CALLS and KNOCKS, asking to “visit” and this mother instructs these girls to put on a show for this guy — a big big show, arms crossed at a wide open door. He can’t cross. But he’s playing, ohhhh, I’m just calling some stranger’s house playing NICE, so she’s playing really nice, this stork from BRAZIL. In a tennis skirt. 24/7. And the TV, even.

I couldn’t watch TV until fairly recently. I have, it’s not that, but the draw of drama…could unsettle me, since, even my cousins in Naples, onscreen—mafia pics just suck them in, but outside, oh it’s so horrible, etc. And this producer, hilariously, watching me tell him — probably, now, he could imagine how a four-year-old might deliver this information — what happened. He even said, yeah, I just started watching it, not that he was taken out, but he got how unreal it was.

I figured probably on that end, the father doesn’t know, she gets — fangs. Plays this game. And this couple IS Danny and Sandy, in a sense, from Grease, this is an inspiring marriage, even, this woman’s devotion to this man is — next level. So they super love each other, super. And this bitch, I know some women are going to feel me on this one, hell no — hell no this is putting my marriage at risk…that’s one of those, wink, that’s already a success. Hell no. But she goes off the deep end.

I have to figure out the mechanics of that, so you’re like, huh? What? No! No way. YOU DID WHAT? What the F is this game? “In this house?! In this family?!” I could see a father going APESHIT. That’s what you want, no? I heard it. In this house, in this family. Again, this woman, I feel her, no? HELL NO. My marriage, hell no, you ain’t touching that shit. LEGS. Dynamite legs, makes her even funnier, and she’s very funny. Again, what really happened, I don’t know, but the real situation gives the chance for lots of nuance and internal complications that will, I thought, be fun for an actor… that’s a scary figure. Dr. J was so shocking a person, too, truly. A woman who just gets naked, you see? Like that. Handling her child semi-inappropriately, it’s important to add in that detail, where — the audience is going to go, holy shit, no? Yeah.

‘Uhhhhh, and the thing is, in homes where inappropriate conduct is present, I got the impression, that, well, people can turn a blind eye, people can even become implicit, so that was hard to witness…in “normal” people. The difficulty in grasping what’s happening. I think, to draw an opinion, which I don’t tend to do, that must have whacked her, that she couldn’t quite tell what was going on… as this continued. And the father’s face… just blinking… what? WHAT? With her flipping out. Yikes.

For me, personally, now I wince, because I don’t know what that really was, but back then, I didn’t think this was true, though I didn’t know exactly what was going on, there was always some evil guy, some mean man, some disturbing behavior, it was standard with Dr. J. No one spoke to me directly, no one investigated this situation, and I was so young, that she treated me even like I might not know what’s going on… it was just an absurdly weird situation…that naturally one would ask — WTF was that? But, smiling, looking up, if you’re wondering how one might end up in foster care…

This is my story. Just picturing me at eight, shaking my head, right? What happens out there…unbelievable, I can’t even tell you. What can happen to a person. I mean, it’s ripe for comedy, these kids going to get her from increasingly dicey and dangerous situations. And I was a cute person, naturally happy, too, ready to bust into the Sheriff’s Office and start a scene. Just picturing these people in the La Tijera Shopping Center, Louise always with her mother, somehow, still tripping over all of her kid’s names to get to LOUISE! Stomping her foot, saying DAMMIT in Portuguese. JOSE — flying over cars. “Maria!” It can take up space, as it does, which I found appealing. Since we’re in the outer limits. Who the F is this? Her protector? Jesus. And the thing is, the more I think about that, the more complicated this can all become, because who is this guy? Yeah.

“I am a MAN who will fight for your honor” lol. Just the love songs. Not an Angelita love song, but these love songs are on. “The glory of love…” down La Cienega… “what are you doing?!” Can you picture this Brazilian lady snapping at Maria. Maria snapping back, now. Portuguese. They turn to her. The mother just keeps going. “You keep me standing tall…” there are so many things, that line is funny. “I will always love you…” and for her, dancing was medicinal, and for me, many years later, as I went through hell, that was one of the ways I got through…so I did that constantly through a sensational experience I just didn’t understand. “Did it all for the GLORY of love…” like a knight in shining armor… from a long time ago.

Back to Miracle Mile… people have games, meets, practice. And these people are actually professional athletes.

I don’t even know what to say now, so I’ll work that out on my own, but that’s another question for this picture — how they determine that, when social services get involved, and these kids have no one…you know? In a world that everybody knows is risky for a kid, and if you can repress this, on top of it, which I learned, for decades, too, are there kids in this situations — I know — that come to understand. I mean, these times I was home, where did I sleep? Since she sent me home with them a couple of times… eek. I might leave that detail out. But again, she’s technically being paid, “we’re trying to work this out,” whatever this lunatic said, totally maniacal, the anti-heroine of the moment, mic drop. The mother who abandons her child. Right here. This is next level. Anyway, I lost it all these years later. Just putting this together. And I make sense now, and what am I supposed to do…with that? That was a hurdle.

Again, I have a feeling that you’re going to be utterly confused as to what the truth is, until the end, and I’ll make a choice for the purposes of this film, but, you know, if I think about it, these people would have supported me through that, this Brazilian woman would have made me laugh and cry. She doesn’t give up on love, never, no matter what, which is her superhuman strength. Just her dancing — she was totally amazing. And she knew it. Yeah baby.

So get ready for the greatest love songs of all time — the soundtrack.

So, I know, we will all go through a strong journey together, where tears will fall, we’ll laugh, gasp, there was range. Maria doesn’t cry, she doesn’t… she gets angry… determined…to run…away… but in the end, I thought that was a positive note to leave off on, when she begins to crack, in a way, since this is her family, now. Who got her through this. And cue St. Elmo’s Fire. Leaving this courthouse. Getting into the van. The Brazilian mother is very satisfied. She’s still snapping in Portuguese. Ripping this woman to shreds. And then, yeah, we take off… she’s putting on a love song… and we have a final lambada party. I can’t remember the song, I guess it should be the lambada, but there’s another Brazilian song that we used to all love and lose our minds to, though I kept my feelings private. Just a higher note. Joy.

Do we go to the Cheesecake Factory? in Brentwood. I forgot which one. But we loved the cheesecake… from here.

I mean, I couldn’t even believe it. My mother’s effing name.

Holy moly, wow. Just wow. Just what these people have just gone through. Her face — this Brazilian woman’s face. I can picture this father in the car — OH MY GOD. WOW. In real life, I look over at my father…ummm? Where are you sir? No idea what to do with him. Was there something going on? At least, at least, he would be diagnosed with a cognitive disorder. Since he was. He just didn’t tell anyone… conveniently. And in this case, sorry, it takes two to tango, I just don’t know how to approach that, because, well, was this guy totally out to lunch? I mean, cognitively. if you’re watching some spectacle, not just some kids playing, but a show… with some woman slamming the door in your face… you don’t know this woman…

“You hated me…” just, this person was maddening, “and I didn’t know why…”

Do you not see a woman standing at the door? She’s five. Just the strangest.

I think it makes for a great movie, no? I keep saying that. Just Maria running across this house… and JOSE flying over the banister. He rolled like thunder, he did, he wanted me to hear him coming. Legit. This wasn’t a normal acting out situation, since I would bite, throw punches, go for JOSE’s eyes. That’s why none of the girls went anywhere near me. No no. Just my face, a little bow bouncing, can’t see me, too small…women flipping out, Jose flying over the ottoman, needing to — diffuse real skill… out the screen door, slam, I’m running…I don’t even know how I did this. But I busted in — pop — threw the door open. No? Wouldn’t my tennis instructor be whimsical, even, at how strong this baby is? Extraordinary! There’s a way for you, hear me. Busting into this court room, lol. This is a tennis STAR, you lunatics. She’s gotta get over some adverse experiences, that’s all.

If could wave a magical wand, I’d get confirmation. Thumb. And I would feel really good about myself right now. So I’m supposed to live and breathe it as I’m already there. And this book is really coming along… still figuring out that narrative… figuring out the blocks… but that’s my goal, in three weeks: to put a chapter outline together, I’ll know the basic make-up of it, so I’ll be able to work on my beginning pages and send it out. I gotta work over the weekend on it and on my excerpts, for sure, it’s the moment to send them out because at least, I’ll have the summer to keep doing that and think about stuff I can pitch in the fall… and not hopefully, I know I’ll get something published.

Already, I can see The Atlantic Family, no? Something. I suppose I could pitch some article that responds to “the anti-heroine of the moment,” not so much as a critique, I guess. It’s just, it’s a baby. I get motherhood is hard, I don’t actually, I can’t speak from that perspective, but it is a baby. It can’t help that it’s a baby. So some of that sentiment, sometimes, feels a bit like — the baby doesn’t deserve that. It’s not to diminish anyone’s frustrations or hatred, at times. You’re not supposed to abandon your child, mothers especially, and I got this, “usually it’s the father,” like the father can do it, which is…unfair. But then, in my case, these women were like — whatevs, who cares about that guy? She needs female influence, right? Go away. Useless. I thought about that, I thought, well, here’s Dr. J, here’s the buffoon — truly! — of the moment. Do do do — dee dee dee — waving like a flimsy hanky. Where you see the patriarchy in a bizarre lady. Unfortunately, she got pretty twisted, and one has to wonder where that started. What happened there.

In terms of Dr. J — like I could just picture, people going — OMG, Dr. J— this is Dr. J. I found her to be so fascinating partially because she was outside, so remember the buffoon. She’s running into church dressed to the nines to accost the priest about her rapes…he’s dressed in fancy robes as well. And the church is, well, known for sexual misconduct, right? Taking a step back, my mouth dropped. It’s so blatant. Her whole operation reminded me of buffoon. Sure, la la la, going down the aisle, she’s behaving like she’s on the red carpet, in a organization with some serious baggage. And so, sure, you look at her, but then, you look at them. Shocking? Unbelievable? Really? So there’s a snapshot. She was operatic, even, so there’s some theatrical convention in which she could truly live and breathe. No one is going to tell me, she’s not a buffoon. And in my case, it’s like, no, so let’s take this scene. She was reaching for something, I can’t explain that.

Again, I was thinking on my walk, I might be the only person on Earth who might have at least considered her psychic structure, forget chemical imbalance, more like, did she have a particular psychic makeup that made delineating difficult, was it the drugs? It was a bit pure fantasy, though, someone who never appeared normal. This wasn’t a “oh,” deceptive, in a sense, but rather quite blatant. Handsy, Dr. J. So you have to wonder…what did happen here? Maybe in examining this type of behavior in a woman, might end up giving someone with this kind of brain something to think about. I’m talking into age of Trump, too, no? You see, when he held up that Bible for a photo op — I was like, Oh my God, Dr. J. Like, just send her in… getting into this picture…offend. Show how offensive it is, Dr. J, who was obsessed with accolades, glitz, her genius. What a GENIUS. This — he’s a mean man, he’s wonderful, just wonderful…smiling. Out of this world… I don’t know…but this was disconnection at its height… with her eyes so blue as the sky, remarkably so, in an age of meaninglessness and disconnection as some people…believe it to be. She might end up being an excellent villain. Even her skin as white as snow, but seriously! “She was the whitest woman I’ve ever seen…” but it’s the added “beautiful,” by the way, “beautiful shade…” striking. It was…even to me..at that age… it spoke for itself. But the honest delivery of “she was so white…”

I was extremely careful as to who I spoke to about my mother, about all this, she’s offensive. And any kind of, well, trying to be understanding — right, smile, just doesn’t always get extended to others. The questions I got, like did she know what she was doing? When she got naked in front of a stranger? I mean. When she…bounced? Left some woman with a child…and some child molester story dangling there? Um, ya know, time to wake up. “He knew what he was doing,” this criminal. Just these parallels, evidently didn’t escape me, so that was quite an athletic endeavor. Skill. But this skill ended up being detrimental since I’m playing around these…people…why? So, that’s what I came to, later. I don’t have to play this game.

Yes, I also factored in race, of course I did, into my thought process. Religion. Demographics.

At times, there’s something useful in that, offensiveness, if you know what to do with it, I’m not interested in making a mockery of her, type of deal, because you will laugh, it was a whole thing. I assure you. If I start to do Dr. J, I mean, I don’t know, actually, but this mother reflected that, for sure, because it was a buffoonery. This was someone…and again, she was an addict, so in terms of — but look, I saw her a few times after all this — and… she was, basically, the same.

And what’s really going on with her? Dark, right, hidden, but most definitely. That’s a pathology, a condition, and the world — whoosh — almost, she attracted violence, in a sense, because she was “asking for it.” Which is like — stop! I was stirred on a human level. What happened to her? That was a rehabilitation case. Someone who needed health care.

But I, in the end, am the questionable one? Like, what’s going to happen to me? If i’m going to become this woman, I mean, uh, shocking. I was four. In the name of truth, but it’s true, nodding, I get it — Dr. J. Trust me. Yes, we hold truths, evidently, that might be true, in a sense, but also not. And this make-up, not the kids, almost wanted me to become her. Since I was studying criminality at the time. And all I had to do was sit there. We believe in things that aren’t true, in the absolute.

Victimhood was her game, it doesn’t mean that she wasn’t, once upon a time, but that turned villainous. Her strategy to communicate, basically, was “other.” Unreal. A totally unreal person. So, of course, you’re going…who’s this guy? My father. Who is this man?

Anyway, I’m going to keep relaxing today and get back to it tomorrow.