I have to listen to Enya to make myself feel less afraid...

I had to, I just had to.

In my dreams last night, I was in Peru, confused, and a man showed up magical, wounded, a prince of some kind, and I thought, hm, maybe I will write some imaginative piece about some distant world where wizards roam…

Sorry. There’s nothing but possibilities. Enya.

I don’t understand why I still get flashes of fear, but I don’t care. I’ll listen to Enya, practice my lambada moves, remembering the Brazilian mother who danced freely, knowing full well she could blow your socks off. No fear. Namaste. This is the energy I am channeling, a force of fire…the Brazilian mother getting sexy — in front of you, the woman who took me out of my house… when I was four.

“Pay attention,” she said.

It gets less and less and yes, Enya helps me to believe in myself —to laugh, even, because I don’t always understand these flashes, especially when I just take a little time for myself, which I’m learning how to do because work-alcoholism isn’t the most productive way to go. I keep on moving through these blocks, is this human, necessary? I’m all about Lakshmi in that MY abundance does not prevent anyone else’s. I appreciate this symbol. A touchstone. I don’t believe in competition like that.

In this dream last night, a friend showed up, wanting me to call them, and I said, finally, this relationship doesn’t work for me. If you can’t take responsibility for your wants, if this is a power trip, then I decline. I didn’t even understand what this relationship was to begin with. So I took care of that.

I just keep plugging into gratitude, how excited I am about all the stories I hope to realize beyond this one, and that helps whatever this weird fear is that creeps in. I like thinking about this producer, because he is calm, ahead of schedule, and he said — produce the Bible. That’s the direction I wanted to go in, and he nodded. I want to bring more support like that. Direct. You should do this. You can. I feel super grateful to that production house. To the female director who said…who is that? At a wine bar. Doesn’t even speak English.

I’m connecting with my long-term goals, which have always been my goals, so any weirdness that creeps in…I’m just saying goodbye. I had to clear some energy this morning. And seriously, nothing has even happened yet. I’ll keep on believing in myself in Portici. Dreaming of a Utopian world where fruit trees line the sidewalks. Something futuristic. Back to the future.

I did my manifestation workshop today. I concentrated on the areas in my body that were holding onto trauma or just where these blocks manifest. That was useful. I’ve had to do this one several times on different areas of my body. Around days that aren’t work related, I can get a little fearful, which is silly. I enjoy making more space for myself. Breathing into abundance rather than lack. I’m just taking a “me” day. I felt like I needed a true rest day.

There’s nothing that prevents me from expressing myself to the fullest. Just watching Maestro, I thought, he got a call at 9:30 AM. He got the shot and he made it. That’s it. There’s NO reason why I would miss the shot, so that’s fine. Bernstein wasn’t like, hmmm, I’m not ready… he was ready on the day. No rehearsal. I’ll keep watching that. There are many extraordinary people out there…that’s my belief. Why not me? That’s the new bottom line, speaking of The Artist’s Way. I’ll keep exercising that belief in myself.

I had to re-organize who was closest to me. I have no interest in staying small. I have no interest in someone latching on, either. I never did that to anyone. I had a friend who started doing that, which was so ridiculous to me, that I couldn’t even believe it. As your manger… he called himself my manager, what a belittling statement to make with a hand, by the way. Hadn’t even finished a book yet, and like, go make movies if you want to make movies. Seriously, this person. Who also wanted to murder someone? Truly speaking. He would, you know, forget the title, at first, kill someone but his cushy life is the only reason why he’s not doing it, that’s the only reason, like is he listening to himself? I couldn’t respond, because I figured it just needed to be expressed, it was a time of despair, but that ended up scaring me, he ended up really scaring me…especially when I bought the shirt, you see, I knew he wouldn’t like, and his response? “Is this your boundary thing..” I was like, what? This is what I mean…what is this? And then, after, or maybe before, yeah, he made the “As your manager” comment, okay? Meanwhile, I’m just making the most basic reach in my life. So that person scared me, he really did.

Just to expel that. Expel this person completely. As your manager.

This person— was the one who insisted on calling himself my family, after all that, after I explicitly asked that no one do that. And of course, this person was the one to do that. Family, hm, at that time, not the button to push. After…all that. Saying “oh he thought he would play my character,” oh, “and a woman can’t play it,” sort of disappointed as if he had been talking to some woman behind my back. There was nothing but disrespect from this person. Lied to me too. About the key…that he left the key downstairs. Didn’t even apologize. So, why would I remain friends with this person? In a sense, “next time,” which will never be the case, I would just confront or just draw boundaries way way back there. I would never find myself in the same situation. I felt so confused, triggered, and I was moving out of a whole way of life. He kept putting on the fact that I just said, don’t joke about being a drug addict, okay, especially not at that time, because my mother was one. But he kept on acting as if I called him one, which I wasn’t, so it made him look even worse. He truly scared me. We’re no longer friends. I have no interest in any kind of repair. None. It’s over. And Will, I’m sorry, he would totally agree with me.

The crazy button, man, that one got too real. My way of responding was truly funny. I just took on too much. It’s a boundary issue. But there’s real love, like I feel that, so I would rather keep resonating on real love. I just concentrated on my choices, my end, made new decisions. I keep choosing differently, so HOW that affects my life, meaning, the people who are in it, even, all that, that takes care of itself.

Needed to get out some old stuff.

I’m going to breathe into another day of rest, get comfortable with my power. I honestly wasn’t expecting to struggle as much as I did with my self-worth and confidence, but I really did, and I don’t want to. It gets better. I’m just being honest, I didn’t even understand it. sI always arrive renewed, refreshed, and a little stronger — make the shot. That’s what Bradley Cooper suggests. Make the shot. He’s tall, I think, so he can pick me up and throw me to the net with a big smile on my face. This is the type of support I am seeking. So that helps. People who don’t care about people doing well, succeeding in their lives. That I know for sure. I am not nominated for an Oscar, he is, so. It helps to think about people who have made it.

I went through so much I couldn’t place, so, when your mother is jealous of you at four years old to the point that she’s going to manipulate a woman into keeping you for 4 years with stories about your father being a child molester and bounce, not pick you up, that’s scary. I was at a stranger’s house that felt safer than my own home. When it comes to these fears, I end up at the root of it, even if I don’t totally understand it, and it clears it. So that’s it.

We all have a world, we came from one, and sometimes, I am rather amazed at how these ideas can present themselves, especially when change starts to happen. This is The Year I was Invaded by the Russians. But then, in my own life, I learned that deeply firsthand. I didn’t know I was scared until a few years ago, so I can’t help that. I didn’t know I was scared for about 30 years. It just didn’t make sense…that a 4 year old wouldn’t be scared. And it turned out, I was so scared.

I’ve just been using this blog to support myself as I move into the next phase of my life.

I heard that safety is really the key to creativity. I’ve been meditating on that. Safety.

That took care of it.

Just moving through the apparitions of this mother figure…

That’s really the root of it.

Anyway, I’m off.