I rehearsed a scene from Ladybird for a Columbia class, which felt very cathartic and fun. I played a mother who is FURIOUS but she’s HURT. Not cruel. I’m getting better at reading scripts. That feels nice to feel like I’m progressing at something as this story has been difficult to tackle, and the people in my life, the closer I get to completion, broke my heart. I mean, it wasn’t even real to me, honestly. But my community — they…
It will take time to unpack.
I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of the people I am seeking to give this story to…
I think there’s a part of me that wishes I could utilize the neighborhood more.
Just because I’ve spent some time reading and going, am I supposed to zoom out and tell you the history of the Beverly Hills Tennis Club? Or am I supposed to open up the neighborhood? Miracle Mile.
For the moment, there’s so much going on, so I’m going to leave that aside. It’s just, it’s like, in reading this now, I’m like, why is this Angelica woman so obsessed with sex? On this first ride over to her house? To a four year old she doesn’t know? She always went nuts once one of these love songs came on, and she hilariously loved sex, always cracking sex jokes. I just don’t quite know what to say about this car ride… I’m four, I know what sex is, even if you don’t… say it DIRECTLY, but it was pretty close there.
So anyway, I basically DROVE the narrative straight through. I haven’t totally figured out formally how to interject at the club. I go through her coming over, us leaving, the musical jubilee back to Miracle Mile where she’s teaching me “the meaning of the songs,” pay attention, cracking jokes about sex, I GUESS thinking I don’t FOLLOW? Not sure what her kids would say. I loved it, what did I care? She was hilarious. But we’ll get there.
I don’t remember her saying sex, but her JEU, play in French, was clear. I just don’t know how to respond, but I’ll get there. Wild. I get to her house, I get to the sick plum tree. I drove the narrative to that point because it’s so literal, it’s almost surprising:
I came from a sick tree, yes, and what did I have to inherit because of it?
And now I’m back at the club. I’m moving into Dr. J’s constant calling, once she’s hooked her with money. I’m getting to “this phone call smells like a game,” to bring in Eric Berne, a transactional psychologist. The Games People Play. Thinking about her childhood.
From there, now, I’m going to zoom in on Dr. J. “All my father knew…was that she was sent away,” to be brief about it, and I’m going to think, did this situation hold fragments of a real past? And I’ll go into the mirrors and my — nine year old — theories. She reflected the truth. And it was sexual abuse in the family? Dr. J? That BLEW me away.
Was there a child abuser, once upon a time, Dr. J? So you’re going to find it in the next section that this is supposedly a lie? And what was amazing, to me, personally, was that, the fact that this story was fucking crazy, it seemed to appear to people as if it couldn’t actually be that crazy…I’m off, gotta get through this as quickly as I can, more out of desire to get this out there because my experience was harrowing.
I want to tell a good story, obviously. So I’m off to keep doing just that. I think the one thing that’s working in my favor is that, it’s basically interesting. Now, let’s get to know Dr. J — JOY — a little better. This new villain… without a spot of darkness in her.
If you know Hannah Arendt’s work, she’s the embodiment of disconnection… this desire to leave earth. She had no interest in being normal. SHE— MOVIE PREVIEW VOICE — was a genius. The genius of all geniuses. In any case, there’s a real art to her, it’s just a matter of getting there.
I like playing around with “the Joker’s daughter” as a character idea… because that’s who I am. Surprise. I battled, you see, for years with the world in a particular way, it’s just, “the world” was fundamentally mine. There are many worlds out there, luckily, when it comes to the private domain. Now I feel like I’m in a new world, but it was a journey just to get there, one that required — for all sorts of reasons — a terrible end.
But luckily, I’m on the other side.
I just love the idea I have for a Joker. I saw the future in her, I did. The joker today wouldn’t be disfigured — they’d be perfect. Dazzling. A dazzling smile, Dr. J. Surrounded by cameras. Even with the cosmetics of today, how women have to RETAIN their youth, but it’s a step beyond that—this is the universe Dr. J. She’s a different kind of beast. Hysterical. You could put TikTok hearts around her. She appeared in this ageless hue for a while. She’s TikTok. She’s annoying the teletubbies, by this point, but Dr. J… was DISNEY.
She’s a Disney princess that’s now the executive villain.
There’s this hilarious picture of her with my father, though I can’t look at photos of them right now, where she’s in a side ponytail wig? And she’s giving my father this “ew” peace sign… like he’s a weirdo. She was the strangest human being. To her, a four year old is a sexual object… what she did to me was next level.