Diary Night

I did three open mics today. two at Producer’s Club, and they have a ten minute open mic, which I’ll be doing soon, as having more time will give me more room to explore deeper — the thing about the sex scandal, that being my material, is that, the “in” is hard, no one in that room, these young kids, too, mostly, is expecting me to say, hey yo, I was in a sex scandal, what? At that point, I can begin acting loopy, even, because what the fuck did I just say? Hm? I have to keep on trying — and I’m at the point that I need to get into a rehearsal room, but I can’t really do that yet because I’m still getting set up, I start a new job this week, and I have to be conscientious of money, in the short-term. Let’s hope anyway.

I did an open mic at Rodney’s — because it seemed to be, from what I could tell, one of the “cool” mics, if you will, that tends to be more populated. I like the room, it’s spacious, but the thrust set up also presents its challenges, not really, I just felt the gap, the audience felt so far away, but as an audience member that’s not how I experienced it, so I found myself, now I’m laughing, trying to get closer to the audience. You know, I had decided to not write anything down beforehand because when I do it tends to put me in my head, block me. But this time, I tried again. I prepared some text, and I planned to act like everyone else at these open mics by reading from my notes. In any case, what can I say? I made some funny choices, in how I simply moved around the space, as if I had to get super close to this audience, even make them out, as the lights were bright. So I ripped off that bandaid, I went to a real club, not like the other clubs aren’t real, I’ve been to others, but that was another step I took to push ahead, take a plunge, as the objective would be… to get to real houses, lots of people, yes, Maria, I keep telling myself, you WANT to play to LARGE rooms, it’s a goal. So I went to Monday night at Rodney’s, you have to book it in advance. I’m starting to get to know which open mics draw the biggest crowd so I can deal with a larger beast. So funny, so cute, I was peering out into the audience, like, why is it so bright? Why are you so far away? “I was in a sex scandal.”

Crickets, these men. Like, playing to these young dudes is hilarious. I said Dr. J a lot this evening, “this bitch,” I said, and I was holding my phone, so I was actually just reading off my phone, not really, I looked up…like that’s not funny? That I’m calling my mother “A bitch?” But I tried text that I had written beforehand, that I would have to work — so I might just stick to this text, for a minute now, and work it. A lot hinges upon HOW you do it. Obviously. Timing. I wasn’t sure how this landed, I’m not one to use Black people, if that makes sense, or bring in race, which I will, I will get to, because if you can’t make bold moves on the comedy stage, then, well, you might want to take a seat, because it’s the arena for the bold — if you can meet the world. But I tried something this evening, I tried, “the good thing about having been in a sex scandal… is that, you can talk to me about anything… like you want someone like me in your entourage, because if crazy shit happens to you, you know you can talk to me. I’m like trained for emergency situations. I don’t freeze like most people, I’m like a Black man in that way.” And I told a story about my Black friend, a woman of color, her father is Black and Cherokee and her mother is white Dutch. She was watching a video of a bank robbery, and the guy was falling from the ceiling… about to hold up this bank…and all the white people stood frozen, mouths open, staring up…the Black man is already out the door. “I’m like that guy.” I’m out of the door. Everyone needs someone like me around. So, during the George Floyd protests. I was in the group that stayed out past curfew on the night it poured rain in NYC. When the situation get heated, the line of cops having blockaded the bouelvard, we were in midtown east, uptown, 50s, I think. I can’t remember what had triggered the crowd, exactly, but they were at a considerable distance from the line of cops, but they started to tip over, the cops, they turned up the aggressive heat, and so, the crowd starting running towards them, out of fear, stupidity, it’s a crowd move… I fucking RAN at a diagonal to get to the sidelines —”stop running!” Jesus. Why do crowds do that? You need someone who can be present during a situation that could go…badly. So I tested out new material, or ways of talking about the sex scandal — so you want me, you need me, I suggest it, that’s. the advantage for you about me having been in a sex scandal… I’m useful.

I tried, “no one ever knew what to say… just like you…”. I thought, oh, they don’t know what to say, they never did, it’s hard to gauge because a comedy stage is a theatrical event, so it’s not real life. I don’t know how “I was in a sex scandal” lands. Meaning, is it shocking to them? I might try that, ask them questions in the immediate. “How does that make you feel? Anyone want to share? Is that shocking to you, or is that time over?” Hard to tell. To me, everyone’s been in a sex scandal by this point. Even Jared Leto has been in a sex scandal. Is it true? Hmmmm. We don’t know. Same here. Same with my sex scandal. But it doesn’t look good. So I made some moves, I am trying to work out how to present that story, in particular, and most importantly, what I’m trying to say, why I’m there, what the point is, because there’s a legit avenue in comedy to speak truthfully to people, be real, very real, point out serious issues. But developing a performance style takes time and practice. But now I feel like I have some text I can use… I wrote a little text, “many of you asked,” meaning the comics, and that got a laugh, funny enough, “many of you have asked me, what do you mean you were in a sex scandal?” What does it mean?” And I tried to give a resume, movie preview, clips, of the sex scandal, what makes it so, and it’s pretty clear pretty quickly that it was a sex scandal… cue weird funny suspenseful music… “Angelica Leibowitz came from the perfect family…” and she’s (me) checking her rearview, she gets cash thrown in her face. Real tears. “She cried real tears!! MARIA!! REAL TEARS.” No one knew what was coming. “Jose!” I thought that was a good idea. But I have to work on delivery, I have to find my movie preview voice, essentially, work that.

Like I know it could be hilarious. And what do you do, it takes time to be able to hold a room in a particular way, so there’s room, of course there is, to hit on tender chords, but that takes time. It’s performing, but it’s more like the opposite, like I’m just talking to you, because what do you with that? In all honesty. And I’d like to explore that, it’s a bit Barbara Harris in feel, in a sense, in that, she was vulnerable, she invented People Scenes with my love Severn Darden, so these characters, in that improv, reveal themselves over the course of the scene, so it harkens to that idea, that I could find real moments, since that shit was really really real. I was in a sex scandal, and I what was worse than being in a sex scandal? Talking to people about the sex scandal, coming to realize that I was in a sex scandal, and here, I would have to say something unexpected, right? That’s the logic bit. That’s where I don’t have craft, I have to spend some time thinking, throwing shit out there, just finding the logic and flipping of ideas, “but of course, men…” they always do this, or I have to work on playing with the wisdom in it, no that’s not exactly it. Playing with the ideas in it, “you’d think that child abuse would inspire x,” but instead, “it inspires y, and let’s take a look at this sex scandal right here…” there are real issues present here that I can tease out, or things that this story revealed… so that’s all stuff to develop. But I think I got to my first piece of written material, just a place to start.

I’m less nervous generally, but I knew that speaking to larger crowds was going to destabilize me. That’s a bigger stage. And at St. Mark’s Place recently, I didn’t talk about the sex scandal that day, so that was easier on me, and I ended up having a lot more fun. That’s my phase two, cracknig myself up, letting loose, trying to, I’m trying to play AGAINST logic, in that, I’m not concerned, three months into doing open mics, about craft, exactly. I’m learning. I’m not in a rush. I’m just trying to connect with a room, but that’s touch and go. I’m trying to figure out how to get the audience to talk to me.

I feel better and better about getting up there, bombing, going on the journey… the ten minute mic will be better I think, as that’s the idea too, to do a show, of some kind. And with a subject like that, I’ll have a little more time to work on… just talking to a room about it, right? Not trying to make you laugh, actually, but finding humor, which is a word with a root in “play,” not comedy, it’s a result, but it doesn’t have to be. I might find… realer moments that might make you laugh, if that makes sense, but again, it takes time to develop anything, so I’m one, I am calm, getting up there, not getting a laugh, hardly, that didn’t do anything to me, that happens, I held my phone, I (hilariously, I think) peered at the audience, it was clear that I couldn’t make them out and that threw me, “hello?” But you see all that, in retrospect, could have become so funny if I was conscious, present, in fact, like, “you feel so far away…no?” I didn’t mention it, because I didn’t fully realize I was doing it, and it was funny, what am I doing? So you come to learn how to exist in the moment, and be with what is, and respond, I mean it’s comedy, it’s a very present type of performance… so you learn more and more how to occupy a state. I’m a in the developing phase, so everyone has their interests, and that’s mine. Being present in a room with these people… however, it’s so easy to start performing, disconnect, in fact, when I’m actually attempting to just be there, as of late, and seeing what comes out, in the moment. That’s where I am, but today, I tackled the sex scandal again, which I sort of hate, because ugh, it sucks ass, it’s not that funny, and maybe I should say it, except it was, it’s more finding the right approach… and part of that is working on her character, her accent, and I’m not there, yet, but in the next couple of weeks, I’ll start working that angle. It’s more that, I’m just setting myself up, so I’m finding my flow, but I have to listen to Brazilian accents, I have to get in a rehearsal room or practice in my apartment. So I’m getting there.

I have to work on Dr. J. I must bring her to life. I keep coming back to being just where you are, at all times, like beginning to just, throw my arms up and say AH! Her operatic AH! Clapping like a monkey with cymbals. Dr. J was crazy. And on the page, I’m admitting that doing her, impersonating her is hard because she’s so insane. So I always seem to move onto the next step on this journey, somewhat seamlessly… and that, it’s so funny, I had gotten scared today. I felt lost, even, maybe this doesn’t work, right? And then, I’m home and working through how that went for me, just spending a little time reflecting on what just happened, and I always feel calmer, more assured, that maybe there is a way… actually, that I’m in the right place. I don’t know why these off days, it’s hard to explain, I actually moved forward, in fact. I’d like to play with speaking in an accent, like I’m some weird foreigner… no? No? I was in a sex scandal… no? Javier Bardem will say it. This immediate moment, who cares? I’m not THERE, I’ve only been a comedian for three months, so I’ve only just begun, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get there, and part of that push of doing Rodney’s this evening… just tips me off balance, keeps me on my toes, larger crowds, larger crowds, that’s the goal, I mean how else can you put it? I don’t want to do open mics…exclusively, I want to have shows, obviously. And I think it’s true that, if I think about the people I knew who wanted to perform, and you gotta want it. You gotta want to get to the crowd, if you would, to bring in some of that mindset stuff, you gotta want it. And I’ve felt within myself, not the desire to stay small, not at all, but it requires expansion… it requires choices… and continuing to MEET it. So now, I did Rodney’s for the first time. I’ll do other fuller mic sets. Play to receptive crowds, disinterested crowds, I mean, the public also doesn’t give a shit, you know, about your story, they’re cruel, even, though that’s not the right word, but it’s been so therapeutic for me, because I said today, “I was always on stage,” right? In real life, the second I started talking… so being there now, silences me, sometimes, because, frustratingly, I ran into so many fucking problems in interacting with people in real life, so many fucking problems, and I’m right, it turns out. No one gives a shit, you see? It’s not THAT big of a deal or unbelievable, I had to worst time, it’s like addiction. My cousins — when I said that my mother was an ADDICT, like in ALL CAPS, she looked at me as if I were… lying? Exaggerating? In the style of Cher from Clueless, when she sort of laughs at the intellectual chick, Josh’s girlfriend in the air. “Heh heh, well, I remember Luke Perry accurately…” Addicts are a REAL thing, idiot, not to get mean, but I had been PUT DOWN enough by ignorance, or this psychological knee jerk reaction. YES, addiction is real, did you forget that? It just does not exist in their world so they don’t believe it when it’s even a DEGREE of separation, where you’re confronting “gasp” those warnings you hear about, like, “addicts exist…in all classes…?” Addicts exist!!! I find myself wanting to yell. JESUS, and then I have to deal with — my looks? Like I don’t LOOK like I came from a drug addict for a mother? She got clean, after the sex scandal for all I know, but she was a severe addict. I’m not the one who overexaggerates — YOU ARE. I don’t overexaggerate, that’s even sacri…that’s impossible, you don’t understand, being in an extreme situation, and I feel like I’m talking to total idiots, because it’s so obvious, llike YOUR THINKING IS WRONG, it doesn’t make you WANT TO EXAGGERATE EVER. You see the difference? And I gotta deal with… the world, you, as this weird adversary. “You do not want my story to exist,” and yet, exist it must. It must exist, or else I don’t. It’s not that I AM THE STORY, there is a MENTAL HEALTH component, I must be real. No? I do not want to be a clever towel in the store — like tee hee, will trade my husband for a glass of wine… or I’ll alcallhol you later… deranged.

But I sat with Dave Chappelle in my mind with my phone, as I had some time on my hands, and his work has been so supportive of me, and I appreciate that, it’s been such a guide for me… I just had fun…writing out a little monologue, so I can’t do his “no no” hm hm, no. I tried, “everyone wants to talk about their trauma,” with a Dave Chappelle reference attached. “Hm hm, not me. I’ll pass. I’d rather talk about the dancing….” because we danced… of course we did… she was from BRAZIL… BRAZIL… like, uh, this woman was Brazilian. I was in a sex scandal with a hot Brazilian mother…meets Jackie Brown, a gangster. The stork that snatched a baby back, that’s what she looked like. Literally. It is not a metaphor. So I feel great, I really do, this evening, because I only feel validated every time I take a step. And it’s usually when I bomb, hard to gauge what that means, that I feel the most elated, as of late, because I always feel clearer, and I tend to support my instincts, and consider not getting lured into “what stand up is,” just that I’m not necessarily trying to MATCH other people, if that makes sense. I need to continue to work on presence, maybe they don’t disconnect, in a sense, I do, because the subject matter is challenging, but it is hilarious, I just have to get there, and there are many notes… it’s acting too… since that’s what I’m interested in doing, developing a show, and with a story like that, you’re expecting different colors… I’m not doing set-up punchline, but like I can’t do that, I have to work on that, too, evidently, even if I’m storytelling, more. And CRASHING expectations, lol, Dave Chappelle. “And so he kicked her in the pussy.” So I’m going to keep going… I wanted to go on a tangent about Black men, especially around my psychic abiities, right? And go into a movie idea I had, you know how comedians are supposed to have movie ideas? Well I do, actually, “witch hunt, I saw it coming..” that’s my movie, and I’m riding into darkened woods on a horse. “But I’m not the only one…” and it’s a Black man. We BOTH saw it coming. Now, we must decide whether or not we should go back for the others… “Nope.” Gotta —go.

My psychic period, the psychic period, that brought me to the brink. That was a road I didn’t need to go down…

So I’m thrilled, I always get some internal validation that maybe I belong here. Maybe I feel that way. Like there is a place for me, I feel that, so the journey is the journey. I don’t even care that much about a book, in fact, you know, though I understand it’s utility, how it can help me, actually. I happened to read one of my newsletters about articles that become movie deals, and that should be my target, as I’d like to go into entertainment anyway. And I’m figuring out a book now, and I am hoping for that magical alignment, where prep meets opportunity, at the exact moment, it should. I’ve put myself in that current, because comedy called to me, in my deepest despair, what about here? Why not try? And again, all I feel is… I can do this. It just might be the right time, for me, my story, there, some live event, and time will work in my favor, as if I arrived a little early, meaning, I arrived in perfect timing, it’s just going to take a second, and good, because I can take my time, in a sense, but it’s the right time where that magical alchemical mix of ingredients lands at the right moment, and so, it resonates. So I keep feeling that way, it’s sort of like what Zoolander said, do not pay attention to the celebrities, on the walkway, and they pop up — as cut outs. “KILL THE MALAYSIAN PRIME MINISTER.” Don’t get caught up in the moment, these distractions, meaning, these crowds, even, the time it’s taking to develop material that these rooms might not totally grasp the full potential of, meaning, sex scandals, psychedelics, psychicness, manifestation… family… also. Mental health, too. I hate mental health, was it? Was it mental, Dr. J? Or were you raped I mean, there have been a lot of rapes, look, sex scandals today are looneliner and looney. It’s like Dumb and Dumber but different, looney. Meet Looney and Looneliner. That’s my movie, boobs, bow, looney. And Looneliner. And the audience or the world could play the Looneliner, truly. “She gave you away to save you from herself…”

So she lied to Angelica Leibowitz that my father was a child rapist — EW! — to save me from herself. Let’s meditate on that, let’s consider someone was sure of it, okay? Right. Looneliner. In fact, the people who knew me…who thought they knew me… no, you really missed the mark, there, and I can’t help that I had to work a lot out. I think overall, my overall note would be: know less. I had to know more, that’s another point, but people act like they know when they don’t know. It is when they do not know that they act like they know, and why they insist the hardest, when all I would have to do is sit down with them in public, that’s it. “What were you saying?” You don’t know. Ask a question. It drives me nuts, it really does. All that I can get to… so I’m so happy. I would have never have thought, oh comedy, but the feeling I feel is so elated, so thrilled, but grounded, and still, that I could possibly be good at it, like I could excel in this arena. It’s just a matter of practice, time, but already I feel a response. Like these are the steps towards my bliss, toward my fulfillment.

"China wants to end the internet, I’m certain of it, they’re over AI, JESUS, the CHIPS, tariffs?? ENOUGH. They want to end the internet. END IT. I want them to. END IT CHINA. Cut the mainline. The mainline to the internet, the internet itself, is off the coast of Taiwan, I did not know, but I speak Chinese, little known fact about me,” (another Dave Chappelle reference), “I speak Chinese… so I’ve been reading CHINESE newspapers about the subject, and China wants to end the internet… lost in translation.” Another round on their speedboats… they can’t do it, obviously, though I want them to, just a day or two, nothing more…. DO it. They can’t. But they want to. So they’re letting off some steam, you see, in their own special way, by cruising round the mainline, sending a message that they could end the internet if they wanted to. Like, no wants the internet to go away completely, right? Amazon. No one wants Amazon to go away… but I think, wha would happen if the internet ended? We might all feel like we just got out of a quasi abusive relationship… like, JESUS, it ruled my life. Holy shit. I think I liked LIVE performance because I can’t stand living on a computer. I cannot stand it. So — comedy is an equaliser, I feel even, again, as the GURU, yes, a Hollywood guru, of course, of course I would meet this guy, I mean, Jesus Christ, I was in a sex scandal and then an M Night Shyamalan film with a Hollywood guy who wants to help me manifest reality, or talk to me about my story…? WHY? WHY are you doing this? I could be a star according to him, or something, but anyone can be, and it’s not to say that isn’t true, I guess, I mean, I don’t know what to say, but I had to just get back to just being a person… not a psychic superhero? Excuse me? And in THAT sense I’m Barbara Harris. I do not know WHY. And neither did she, because our LOOK — was… well, what was it? WHY are we finding ourselves in these scenarios? I had short hair? So did she? We sort of looked enchanted? Hilarious! Like, that’s not a real thing, it is, but — we’re not from another dimension, literally. Barbara Harris is not channeling from source, though maybe there’s truth in it, that’s fine by me, but she’s acting, for sure, she’s acting. There’s lots of craft. She’s a craftsmen in her most famous roles. HOW she gets there, I do not care, in the slightest. I wish she told me, I wish she did, I wish we got there. But I’ll talk to her former students, eventually. They might be able to offer glimpses. But then, Harris, she basically woke up in the middle of the night and recited the monologue in Harry Kellerman, she intuited it. She might have been in tune with the project itself, but she just delivered it, because the monologue he wrote wasn’t right. So that’s Harris — she’s waking up in the middle of the night and reciting an Academy Award nominated monologue. So she might be just delivering it, if you would, I don’t know how she worked on it…

I’m off to bed, I stayed up way too late, but I was so thrilled, settled, happy, deeply happy to have done Rodney’s — so I can do it again. And I can keep growing. I gotta work tomorrow. In a way that I just don’t want to. But I’ll be grateful for it.