So I have the first scene at the BH Tennis Club, my mother says rape to this woman, Angelica. I am watching the game, and considering this situation in the next scene. I set up the investigation. Then, I ask her to tell me what happened when she came over to my house that day, and maybe there, I take off… go into what happened, literally. Get to the plum tree. “How do we become who we are? What did I have to inherit from this?”
Angelica was never too sure about me, you see, would I become my mother? That fascinated me.
So I can go back to the club… and maybe there, I unpack that scene with her, like, what did you think when you first saw my mother, though I can weave that in, throughout, her testimonies, but all I’ve said is: you never knew with Dr. J, whether or not she was joking, but that’s it… I’m not explaining anymore. But you’re learning more about her as you go… and yes, “her name was Joy.” That’s as we drive away, I think. And I’ll take you through the musical car ride, getting to her house, and throwing a fit, and making a run for that sick plum tree… and then, I’m back at the club.
“And I started living with you just like that…”
Money, first step, watching the tennis match. I’ll go into my mother’s phone call, and start analyzing her personality THEN. Extrapolate around that phone call, because you get a picture of a total lunatic. So I can slice and dice in there.
“For a while she called every day…”
How bright was it, Dr. J? Looking at a woman’s legs splayed open at the BH tennis club, Angelica’s, she was grotesque, even showing how my mother smelled down there, was it bright, Dr. J?
Was I looking at incest? Just because her personality was so severe.
But she’s bright as hell, you see. “Just her brightness, just this scene. I guess globally, it’s did this happen to her? That’s the question I’m asking — at the club…
This phone call smells like a game. And did it really stink, Dr. J? Where did you come from? She’s either playing a game around a REAL child molester, or she’s playing a game with a INVENTED child molester, and I was trying to discern, was this true, or not? Mirror mirror mirrors, Dr. J, on the wall, did it even matter? And here, I go into her scene with the priest, accosting the priest with her rapes, every Sunday, like that’s pretty bright, very bright behavior Dr. J, like you’re a shattered universe. And in these sharp edges, these harsh lights, what really happened to you… once upon a time? But she’s reflecting the truth, looking at the priest. She’s reflecting something true about the world… she reflected the truth, this mirror. The Catholic Church, a billion dollars… that’s a lot of child abuse. That’s just what you did with children, got them into a sex scandal real quick — real quick. That’s fast, Dr. J. Innate.
Then she launches the accusation. What is this game? Did this really happen to her?
We put on these spectacles for my father, and I go, “is this what it’s really like?” In a house where this really happens? Do you have to then put on a show for this guy… she said.
Angelica, at the club said, “imagine someone lying about that?” Lying about your own husband… but isn’t it already a lie? Dr. J? Wouldn’t you have to lie? Would it not matter if it was true? Would no one do anything about it…? No one helped him. She accosted the priest every Sunday. Why didn’t anyone back up the priest? He was terrified of Dr. J, an Irishman, he knows she is of Irish descent.
You see, JIM, being Irish, he wasn’t putting my mother on me — at all. We were just going to brush that aside, right there. I was delightful and provocative, sure sure. Jim could handle my commentary in church, I didn’t do it more than once. I only spoke once. Outloud. I knew I could, I knew I was just sitting in a room, here, and I was LISTENING most definitely to these stories. Enthralled. Huh, I thought about child abuse almost exclusively here, in Catholic Mass. Sundays. Jim and I were Irish, he knew I came from this stock, you know, sort of, though he’s from Ireland, he has the accent, my mother does not, so there’s a difference between them.
So I might stop there, for today, because then, I can decide what to do here, like “pure versus pure,” finding a man with a pure regard… across the church. I started watching him. And it would turn out he had sexual problems, I’d hear later. I tested his reflexes… pure regard… it was what this situation reflected, what I began to see in the world, because of it, early. I was young.
And I suppose there, I can go back to the club, reflect on Dr. J’s eyes. Her blue eyes. I saw so much truth in her. But maybe concentrate on their innocence — innocence does not necessarily mean benevolence. Is this innocent, Dr. J? A developmental problem? Be real.
I’ll go into the tennis lesson, “no love songs,” because I knew you could be raped at my age, and that INNOCENCE didn’t MEAN anything. I caught that one early. Dr. J’s daughter. Not Suzanne’s. And this tennis instructor only saw OPENS in my future. He truly respected me.
“So my behavior and my mother’s convinced you it was true…?”
“Yes.”
So I’ll complete the scene, and just leave it there, on that strange note… of her asking me if it was true about my father?
And then she called every day…
I was trying to evaluate whether this had happened to her… and if it didn’t happen to her, I wanted her dead. I wanted her dead either way, that’s a later reflection.
But by this point, you already have a picture of her, a sense of how this is building, and now, she said “can you imagine someone lying about that?” “Wasn’t it already a lie…”
And in that case, I conducted this psychological experiment. But at the end of that, you’ll see my father isn’t well… so I can transition there. And maybe I even go to the final scene, like I start there, huh? “Did you just say she did this because she was jealous?”
(In a META moment, you see, at that moment, I saw Dave Chappelle, as I’ve seen a lot of his comedy, pop up in my mind. “Jealous?” And it would have made me laugh.)
And maybe I can go into the scene with Dr. J — running into this house, and I’m stationed next to a girl? Uh oh. Sex scandal. And Dr. J comes RUNNING IN. And then, at the end of that display, I gotta be JEALOUS? of this? So, essentially, the world will teach you what to become…it doesn’t matter if it is cruel.
“Oh, my father,” because this got strange, psychologically, like did you ever feel like you woke up in a dream? Like you WOKE up? That’s what starts to happen. And this would be the final section. Okay, I’m going to re read this, and put this up on the drawing board.
Yeah, and there, I was objectively LOOKING at this, yes, forget talk of emotion. Of being affected. In some Lifetime movie. Rage, I’ll go there, the game. Game over. And I guess, I’ll pick one, oh, yes, I’ll end with Fat Alan, closing act… and the whole thing was going to fall on me. Nice try, but the world wanted me to fall… they just didn’t understand it, like don’t erase me outt of existence. This is what happened, and I assure you, they would have rather that I died — and guess what? Fuck you. That’s a ball — US OPEN — flying at your face at 120 mph, something crazy.
The moment I started vocalizing, coming out of this “break down” I went through over all this, when I started waking up to this, I was shut down, unheard, because no one can ask a question. Whatever, it’s rage. I gotta keep it there. And the cosmic universe we’re in, a dancing Brazilian Jewish family… So I’m going to go back and see what happens, because I’m sure the missing pieces will fall into place.