I’m watching Whiplash, a movie about not being FAST ENOUGH or SLOW ENOUGH — at JAZZ. I’m watching this movie because I’m doing a scene from it for Columbia directing, and I’m playing the asshole conductor/teacher, which is great. She wants to cast two women. A woman drummer? Hilarious to Common. Yes, the rapper. Some chick with dreams of being a drummer, imagine? Me? As the conductor, calling this chick a little bitch as Common backs me up, seated in the chair, in the background of this rehearsal.
“ARE YOU DRAGGING OR ARE YOU RUSHING?”
It’s a psychological drama. So this conductor is like, isn’t he fine? To then — blast him out as a pansy ass shit, right? Build you up to CRUSH your soul. I got the PICture.
I got back to this director in SIX minutes, another one, who is filming a short scene, and truly speaking, this director got back to me. “Someone else got back to me,” as this drummer is bandaging his bloody wounds on his hands on an adjacent screen as I type this post, “before you did.” I wrote this person back, “are you joking?” I got back to this guy in SIX minutes. I missed the SHOT! Again. “The waitress is still up for grabs.” I mean, “yeah,” I’ll do it. Holy moly, I gotta get back within 2 minutes. I thought I was on it. But no. I wasn’t. So I, hopefully, will get to play the waitress as an hour went by. I thought I was in the clear. I gotta charge my Iwatch, and literally — hit the reply button, who gives a shit what I say besides “yes.” So lessons learned, I gotta wear the watch 24/7.
But in class, I’ll get to play the DICK music professor/legend. “Are you on MY TIME?” He says, slapping this pansy ass freshman bitch. Hilarious, that this director cast me as this person. “Hurry the fuck up, the kit is tonal catastrophe.”
“A bunch of limp dick…”
His lines are hilarious.
Picturing me playing as this person. “I can still SEE YOU MINI ME.”
You win some, you lose some, but thus far, you guys, though I attempted to GET BACK TO THIS PERSON within SIX minutes, as the bass begins to play on the adjacent scene, I’m DRAGGING… I’m DRAGGING. Shit. I’m not fast enough.
Meanwhile, for this scene I’m doing from Whiplash, I followed up with her today as I hadn’t heard from her, and these grad programs have officially scared me, and she said, “sorry, waiting to hear back from the other actress,” which sounds like, from my standpoint, a dream… something I have not experienced. NOBODY in any grad film department is WAITING for anyone. It’s not happening. But she is. As this jazz conductor is — beating these drummers — “don’t slow down, pick it up, FASTER!”
“Why do YOU suppose I hurled a chair at your head, Neiman?” That’s my first line.
“Start counting.”
“If you dare to sabotage my band I will fuck you like a pig.”
This is the scene I will do, must do, my eye on this fucktard on the drums attempting to REACH GREATNESS. And now, I have BECOME the guru, hilarious. YOU THINK you can be JAZZ MUSICIAN. Let COMMON be the judge of that. Slapping your bitch ass, behind me. Man, this movie is hardcore. But evidently, my performance inspired this director to cast me as this potty mouthed, arrogant, legend of a music teacher — and I remember the guru saying, “I’m MENTORING YOUR AS AN ARTIST…” though no mentorship was happening. He knew nothing about books, hilariously. Not like a screenwriter couldn’t mentor a book writer, I just wonder if a screenwriter ever would… mentor a wannabee book writer.
Other than saying — go watch some movies, no? Or read some books?
It was hilarious.
“What’s the central ENERGETIC frequency of this material…” he asked me. Now I’m going, “so this person begins their book with an overview…and this person begins their book with a dramatic scene to then go back in time…”
The thing is, I thought this guy loved books, read books, because why else would he get involved? And then, I remembered he hardly even read anything…? You know? I had hardly seen any films… imagine? Some dipshit trying his best, hitting these drums, and I’m going — LOOK, dipshit. AS A BOOK WRITER who has seen little to no films — this is my perspective on your silly ass search for SELF cinematically with a shitty SCRIPT, shitty actors, shitty ideas, okay? Get the fuck out of my ROOM, my dimly lit ROOM, please. Fuck off. So funny. “Not quite my tempo…” I can flip, I can be insane, sure, I can go, you’re great, no worries, to slap you bitch, what are you doing?
You know, this reminds me of Mitch Hedgeberg — I’m a chef (comedian) — CAN YOU FARM? (write scripts). “Do you not have MOVIE ideas? Dipshit.” So I get to play the GURU. I get to SLAP some dipshit drummer around. “I’m MENTORING YOU AS AN ARTIST…” one that is SO SPECIAL but has never played the drums… dipshit. This relationship was truly odd. He gets into an accident on the way there. This movie is intense. It’s interesting. Everything goes wrong. He’s bleeding on the way to the performance. JUST BECAUSE this band director was SO intense. Relationships. Word. Common would get it. So now, he’s bleeding and playing. And the band director doesn’t GIVE A SHIT. This guy is literally bleeding. And I’m picturing the guru saying, “YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF.”
It was a relationship.
All that guy had to say was, “you weren’t like this when we first met…”
And now, he’s saying fuck you Fletcher, fuck you. And it is deserved. Fletcher played games with this drummer. And in the end, he acts as though he didn’t. But in his case, he has a lawyer, who’s on his side, and he singled him out as… someone to target… even if he isn’t totally aware of that. This was a funny movie to watch as I ended up in some weird relationship with a screenwriter who saw me as someone with outstanding potential (at?) when I was just a woman with a story, a childhood, nothing new…in the world at large. I felt totally crazy, truly, oh my God, this person forever… a mirror for what made me destrucible. And in this case, it hurt, it hurt real bad, because my background made me vulnerable…
In my own mind, this guru tries to hide, cover up, when, “no no no, you acted WEIRD, totally weird,” and I needed to picture President Barack Obama seated beside me to remain firm in my understanding… like, “he’s acting like a guru,” literally. “Why?” Obama is an accomplished person, and I suspect he would never act like that. He knew nothing about someone from my background—nothing. So him getting involved, just shows me to the BIGGEST idiot, you see, he is a reflection of my own idiocy. Why would I get wrapped up? Well, this boy did. This teacher singled him out, and it was all very MALE. That guru wasn’t exactly in touch with his feminine side, that’s for certain. Though I would say there’s an OVERACTIVE something inside of him, really really emotional. That guy was extremely emotional. No offense, but I’m not breathing deeply, like very deeply, to then deliver an extremely emotional line. Was he repressed? Was he withholding? Strange man.
I tried to be on top of these grad directors, and this time, I was going to be filmed, and I missed it by SIX minutes. Less than five minutes. Hopefully, I’ll get to play the waitress, like I care, I just want to act. I just need to show up, do a good job, and get to know to people—wave real pretty, you see. Real pretty. “Now bleed son,” Common is watching. Imagine Common watching this drummer bleed for this. Me, not Fletcher, but ME in front of Common looking at this freshman like he’s a total waste of space. Just me commanding this much respect and fear upon entry, Common an after thought, a friend of mine in the back, soft focus. Occasionally, I look back at him, like — this dipshit wannabee musician. He’s just — holding on expression. “Is that my tempo?” I can’t wait to play this person. This kid, you see, as the guru thought I was a baby and all at thirty, he’s vulnerable because he’s young… with jazz in the background, nice and easy, no Fletcher, so that’s how it goes. He wasn’t supposed to abuse his power…pretending… he was someone remotely in my genre of experience. The wiseman knows, the true wiseman, “I do not KNOW you.” A tip from me to you. I cannot know you. That’s Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. “i do not know you,” in a world that says only “I think I know you based on… nothing.” Robin Williams? Not arrogant. Not pretending like he can relate to Will. He respects the most important line. “I cannot know you.”
I would never “draw a chalkboard,” as the guru did, “and circle your life idea.”
Never happening.
Something will land, I know, but I have to not get excited at all. I have to — charge my Apple Watch. I have to get back in one minute flat. I have had the most — urgent experience with these grad directors. No one knows me, that’s the thing, so what the fuck would these people care? It’s true, I was listening to this course that the career coach at One on One started, about getting an agent, as he developed a way to contact agents… that’s worked, apparently. (I need a reel.) And he said it: you’re special but so is everyone else. The guru was cuing the VIOLINS, sparsely, strangely, that I was SPECIAL, when the truth is, everyone is. That’s what I always felt, anyway. I suppose I could march in a Nazi camp in Life is Beautiful… but me, me, me, I was SPECIAL because of where I came from, which was not Nazi Germany, so, again, why did the guru PUT all that on me? Because I was— kind?
The drummer has emerged… on the adjacent screen. “Tonight could change your life.” I was not in this position. The guru wasn’t leading me to a LITERAL person who might hire me, see me, right? I didn’t even — as he makes his way to the stage ‚ have to do anything… not at all. Now, I read articles about artists because there tends to be a thoughtful exercise of describing what they express, what they are about. In my case, it’s definitely not family, I don’t think. Now, the conductor walks away, like, “I guess maybe you don’t have it…” after beginning on… such a terrible note. But the boy won’t give up. And he, the conductor, lets him… sort of take over. In the end. I love movies about music.
This was good. I enjoyed it, though I hated what this boy went through.
Now, I get to play this accomplished person — bursting into a room, with an air of intimidation, throwing him off for shits. It’s so male. It’s so incredibly male. You beat someone into greatness. Like, sure, he did it to himself, but the conductor — initiated the relationship. He hit those first notes. “Come at 6 AM” though it began at 9 AM. No explanaton. And then, in the end, the boy takes over… and it’s cathartic. Common, calmly, listening to this, might say, nonverbally, time to end the solo. I don’t think Common is obsessed with this genius or greatness, or something, if you would.
I would — raise my eyes at him — enough of it Common. Let the boy continue. Fun film, I had fun with this one, as the climax is instrumental…. the drama in the music, the playing, and their relationship… anyway, I had a good time, and I missed a chance to play the main character in this short, but it’s evidently not a big deal, no stakes involved. I just need to get SEEN, get to know people, it’s not a big deal. Hopefully, they’ll keep asking me. And I do look forward to playing this world-renowned JAZZ conductor/teacher — throwing shit as students (as Common watches in my dreams). And he’s into it. Maria the fucked up conductor, simply put, I don’t have any ISSUES with it.
I just didn’t hit reply fast enough! And this Fletcher would call me “a little bitch, are you retarded? The SECONDS count in JAZZ, toots.”
And, in another email exchange, I’m still waiting (dragging) for the other actress to confirm, though one is filmed, the other is simply performed. So I’m crossing my fingers that I’ll be able to show up at all. And I hope, and I’ll keep hoping…
I love this description of this movie, Whiplash: “Even if it destroys his personality…” and it did, in my case. The relationship with the guru destroyed my personality. But I’m starting to get it back, I love to laugh, I love to laugh. If you, maybe Obama would understand me. This guru commented on how I laughed a lot, and it took me years to understand that the guru triggered me as a weird guy. I found him impossible to connect to… so that’s why. He was cold, withdrawn, impossible to animate. I’m not in touch with the other, if that makes sense, ending up in strange relationships I never wanted to be in, in the firstplace. The guru was not my type of person.
Pointing at ME from across the room as if he were a guru in a sci-fi, like picture me describing this scene to an actor… just him playing this person… he’s going to take a DEEP DEEP breath, the FIRST time I hung out with him, you see, and lift his arm dramatically, outstretched, and begin — in a totally weird fashion — saying “knoooowwwww…” you see, (and scientology seems benign, no?) “Knoowwww what do you wanna knoooowwwwww…” when I just met the guy. Not okay. It was not okay at all. He disrespected me at HELLO.
The fucking psychics, man, some of these psychics, they believe they have the right to come up to you with their “feelings about you…”
“Well, call me Mary,” turning to this guru with a Rambo gun, as he believes, truly, he said this… that my birth was divine.
Off to bed, I, in a curly hair bonnet, looking like a bit of fool. I played that, I did. The guru turned me into a fool. “Yes, whatever you say,” repeating “you create your own reality” to my friends… to a sort of weird pitch. Now, I would eliminate him, Common at Tiago Cafe, where it all began, picking up our beverages, and suggesting I don’t get involved. Common, I think, is pretty real, as a person, he would never even catch wind of such talk, he’d leave, you see, he’d take one look at this guru, and nod, and exit the situation. But of course, this guru would never speak to COMMON about New Age shit. He’s Common. He would command RESPECT, I would hope, for the guru’s best interest here. Getting pointed at? As if he were in a sci-fi? Not Common. Common isn’t staying for dessert. Common is most definitely leaving the situation. And he is Common. Yes. This is the point. So, next time, if you meet “THE ONE” as in NEO, think, what would Keanu Reeeves… say to this exchange? Would HE be here? The man, who played the PART? Probably not.
Keep it real.
It’s a suggestion. A real one.
Keep it real.
Let’s not go — floating around some invention. I get that it is TRUE, as I get that JESUS is literally true. It’s not to say that the guru’s beliefs weren’t TRUE, it’s just, beliefs don’t necessarily directly TRANSLATE. Keep it real. Respect differences. Respect. That’s the key word here. And that was lacking on the guru’s end at step one. Respect. He did not respect me. He disrespected me at HELLO. Because he was “a big man” on campus who isn’t that self-aware. And yup, on this one, I’m throwing fast ones — real fast, because that seriously seriously harmed me. No wonder he’s never had a girlfriend, I didn’t get that impression…
He was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and what I hope now is to say, who gives a shit? I will use it to play a douchebag in a class, and I hope it will continue to help me clarify what kind of movies I would be good in — psychological dramas? Jesus, I really was in one, this guy with an obsession with his father. Yikes! I was like, who the fuck are these people? I get their rich, but that was gross, that was pretty gross on the part of this screenwriter. “Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you are used to…” TLC.
(Common present in my mind, as I respect that man, and he makes me feel safe. If Common is around, I am safe, no one is fucking with Common. That I know. No worries there.)
So goodnight, good luck, may I find… a better decade than the last. One with real love in it. Above all, love. Angelica Leibowitz said, you know, to her, LOVE was the reason to live… it was love, the romantic kind. Love. Love. Love. As if it were the gentliest blotter to dash this demon out. Out, out, out.