Look man, this Hollywood screenwriter, he’s going, “your suitors came to me during a meditation,” but he’s going to confess his love for me somewhere in there over a lost I-TANYA DVD, unless he meant “you have my love” differently? It was a touch too emotional to not be romantic. So that aside, incongruous statements, he thought that I could become the biggest thing on earth, as anyone can, more or less. But I’ve been reading books, books that have done well, about sexual abuse, about crazy families… I suppose at times, I wonder what the FANFARE was about. It was like my friend who thought that… because a screenwriter was reading my pages that I was going to inspire a movie… not only that, but that he would BE in it, in some capacity, calling himself “my manager” as if someone was going to LOOK at me, READ my story, HEAR my words, or something, and I was going to become an actor. Funny no? It was funny to me, because the guru screenwriter was like, you were in a limo with big glasses on, being a player, with all these suitors swirling around me, desperate to date me, as if that’s who I am to begin with, not really, but nice assumption, over THIS STORY, THIS BOOK, hard to tell. ME — but MY way of being was PROBLEMATIC to him, simultaneously. Hard to follow. So was it my talent? Beauty? Which one was it? Because, if it was about my beauty, there were other more direct ways of finding suitors, don’t you think? As if ALL HINGED UPON THIS BOOK, THIS WRITING, THIS STORY. I could BECOME. Why not, “put yourself OUT THERE IN SPACE?”
It was all very MOVIE STAR glamour over there. It’s just funny, in my opinion, considering what the story actually is. And now, I have moments where I have to be with, contend with, whether or not my parents, not just one, Angelica Leibowitz unable to process it, unable to BELIEVE that my MOTHER disturbed her, based on how she took out her breasts (lol) in front of her… and then, people wondered why I couldn’t STOP laughing, don’t be ridiculous. How could I not stop laughing? And this is going to — bring my bounty? Maybe it will, on the comedy stage, and I hope so, which is FUNNY, because what am I to do with all this? Of course I’m going to laugh, lad. “And then, she took out her breasts…” at a child’s birthday party?
“Get on social media and tell people about it…”
It reminds me of Dave Chappelle’s description of Michael Jackson’s house… everything you expect, clowns, cakes, ponyrides, and somehow, in the middle of all this kid shit, he starts bringing out pills? Hard to believe. I think people didn’t really understand Dave Chappelle’s disbelief, what it meant, and in parallel, you see, I couldn’t get ONE believer. Not one. EVERYONE didn’t believe me… you see? Sure sure, they believed the version eventually where she LIED about him being a child molester, but once I get into the story, forget me making any conclusions about it, it doesn’t LOOK good. It’s not the inverse. So…I’m just saying, imagine you’re Angelica Leibowitz, you’re suddenly taking care of this child, and quickly, the breasts are going to come out—fast. Sooner than you’d expect, smiling. Maybe my NFL persona can tell this part.
That came into my mind just now, like, the guru’s VISION for me, so funny, and my former friend’s starry eyed attitude when this guy was just reading my pages and also driving me insane… but to the sexual trauma specialist, “all of that could have been happening, YES, while you were coming to terms with your abuse…” he’s following.
But like, why was this man, the guru, looking at my Facebook post and commenting on the messages I received as if I was “the one” no one expected anything out of? I really didn’t get his interpretation of me. Truly. I wouldn’t call that a mentorship. He saw me as “the one.” Very strange routine there. These are my thoughts. “But anyone could be the one,” so again, why are you wasting my time? You see? I’m listening to Tom Cruise, I’m writing down my goals, and I put a question below each one: what do I need to do to get there? So that’s what I’m tackling now. My esthetician today, I was even thinking. One step at a time. I need to start small, I told her, like I’m going to start with a short series that I can shoot easily, right? A monologue, me, I’ll write them all in advance, like a series, and I’ll think a build of some kind over the course of those 10 episodes? 8? 1800-I’m psychic— in sweats and a fur, coming to you in this location, wherever you call me, that’s where I divinate, I’m one with the space, being directed by higher forces, and Aunt Jane. That presents its challenges I suppose, except it’s just a monologue, basically, uh oh. A turn of my head, “wasn’t expecting that.” Moving through the aisles. LOOK, in the baked goods aisle at the supermarket. “LOOK.” It could be a series of spaces, and then I would just edit them, it depends, now I have to think. But, as I told her, everyone is afraid of being bad, when that’s not my problem, actually. I just gotta start. And then, I’ll take it from there. “You’re almost there…” walking out the door with grocery bags. “You’re AT THE DOOR,” that was too clear. “Now when you GET through the door,” and I’m standing there, “what are you going to do now? You see? You gotta change the attitude, my friend, because your problem is this problem you have with the DOOR, like where is it, when you’re really afraid of what’s on the other SIDE of it…”
“Is this speaking to you? I thought so, that’s what people tell me. Yes,” seriously, “yes I’m listening…” looking at a poster of puppies, I’m a in a pet store. It’s a play on space. “Hm hm, hm hm, hm hm, yes yes I’m listening most definitely…” It’s not just the psychic attunement — it’s the locations I end up in. So that I can do, for the writing stuff, I have an interview tomorrow, but it’s not a great paying job for a fulltime position, at all, so I’m going to see how it goes and if there’s any possiblity for give on their end for that reason. We’ll see. They have terrible reviews on Indeed, so we’ll see… if you catch my drift.
Hey and good news! Someone asked me to FILM something for Columbia. A short 4 page script, so there is goes, my first filmed scene. Awesome. On that end, that was a good, smart move — auditioning for these grad programs, so I’m thrilled, I did it, it’s not a short film exactly, though it is, but I wanted to be on camera by the end of the year, and I just did it. I’m happy. I really am. Oh and my mic and stand got here today, just because I noticed that the mic on the Iphone sucks, I sound better than that, so I got better equipment, I hope, I’ll see tomorrow once the adapter comes, so I can start posting full songs onto a YouTube channel… I think that’s a better move than TikTok. So I’m excited to get started there.