What can I say? We’ll see what happens (as Lysol toilet cleaner is sinking into this EPICALLY dirty grout) I’m in my painting pants, trying to clean the grout between these tiles—EPIC. An EPIC woman, I am. Here with my plants, in need of watering today. I don’t know what to say about this writing job as it’s not a competitive salary at all. It’s not a salary that’s New York City friendly, I will have to work all my other jobs. I make more at a restaurant working three nights a week after taxes. But the attitude I have is right: financial goals. I am still 5,000 away from my financial goal. With four jobs, if this job works out, and at this point, scrubbing the sink, cleaning day, the ghost of Barbara Harris holding space for me as I need someone to talk to… wink, jokingly, right? But not to the people I met this decade. The Barbara Harris I see is not a figment of my imagination. I am Professor X’s protégée, with the ability of communicating with the dead, type deal. Anyway, shrugging that off.
I suppose if I make it to the next step, I’m going to try to negotiate a better deal for myself. Either, I must be remote, I must be able to work other jobs, because that salary alone isn’t enough for me to support myself. If there’s any give there, like I might need to work on something else for a couple of hours, type deal, I’m going to have to have something attractive… I need the money. I need a job. It’s like, for a full time position, I would be taking home under 3k a month, after taxes. So we’ll see what happens when I get there, not knowing what to do exactly. If I can have some flexiblity, I can do it, and keep looking for a better position. I’m sort of going, where is this job taking me? Directionally. But I’m working out that part… even if, the best case scenario, again, I publish a book, all that, I can’t exactly give up my day job. And — um, who cares about my childhood? Like the idea that this was going to be my ticket to success sits strangely with me now. Oh, yes, and my beauty? I don’t know what to say about the feedback I received. I was “A good person?” Okay.
But, I’m going to hope that I get this job, even if the pay sucks, I’m going to hope that they’ll bend a little in my favor, because 2900 a month is… LOW. I keep looking for other jobs, but it tends to take a second, and looking at what I’ve done thus far, I don’t like feeling directionless, so I want to change that. The “opportunity falling from the sky” routine, is not that fun. I can rehearse at night. I can keep working towards getting a gig to sing… that’s going to take some time. If I make any extra money, I can start saving. I’m 39, single, and I had to start over completely… thanks to the decisions I made this past decade. I went down a dark road, I met MEN, specifically, I wish I hadn’t met! Wrapped up in their own psychic abilities, I don’t know where to begin on this one. I have to save. If I get a MILLION DOLLAR advance, KUDOS, I still can’t totally quit my JOB. This is going to take some years. If that turns out to NOT be the case, “cool,” that’s not my problem. Jesus, these gurus, what a headfuck, “why are you telling yourself that 500k can’t rain down on you…” Um, because, to most people, that would be AMAZING, wanted, sure, but you can’t necessarily COUNT ON that happening. Be real. This is the message.
Anyway, I gotta finish cleaning. I have to work on my EPIC essay… like, sure, it gets published, and then? I hopefully will get some kind of deal… I do want to go into entertainment, but if I make even that amount of money, extra, I will be able to save and take some more of these One on One classes, to keep meeting people, go to an acting coach, just keep buildng myself up as a performer. Amazing, four jobs, possibly, and I can’t crack 8k a month. Not YET. I need to keep figuring out what gives me pleasure in the writing department, though I’d like that to be a side thing, if that makes sense, or at least go in a direction that’s going to possibly put me in the entertainment arena. So there you go! Let’s keep the fingers crossed… I can always got to evening open mics, I can always rehearse at night, and most of these One on One classes happen after the work day. And hopefully, I’ll keep—moving, fast. I didn’t want to be in this position, obviously, as my MO this past decade was unnecessary, I was even shocked at myself… make money. That’s power.
Let’s hope I found another job. Let’s hope that they’ll be willing to work with me, a little, so I can take on more work, leave for a couple of hours to rehearse, not THAT often, and I got my IWATCH almost totally charged. I have a film shoot tomorrow at 7:00, and who cares? So I’m not the star of the show, I’ll try to play the best goddamn waitress I can. And the SECOND one of these students writes me — BOOM — with the power of COMMON behind me, I’m hitting YES —30 seconds. Fletcher in Whiplash, throwing a GODDAMN cymbal at some fucking dipshit, wannabee drummers head. If you want it, you gotta PLAY like you do, dipshit. I’m going to have fun with that one. I don’t give a shit, I’m Maria Mocerino jazz teacher, conductor extraordinaire, borderline abusive. And? The guru will be my inspiration. In my body, not to say he didn’t achieve great things, but that was a whole other level. Not that cool. I could probably shoot my series on Sundays… Saturdays and Sundays. You see, the impossiblity thing, that’s never been my problem.
There is ONLY two hours here, there, and the ability to PLAN, organize. I’ll probably ask Jose to help. I’ll have to tackle my first script, so it will be a super short way of doing that. My dial in psychic routine. “I’m psychic,” okay? I do not have time. “Ooooo ahhhh,” yes, “I hear that all the time, yes,” kicking my feet in PETCO, “yes that I can see into people’s souls,” yeah, “that’s what a shaman told me,” yes. Jose might laugh at that. “I was told that I could be a shaman…” in a fur, that’s the idea. Aviators. (My dream is a TV show where Dave Chappelle and I play mom and dad and we live in Ladera Heights.) We have a large family, lots of kids, and we have Fast and Furious cars outside our nice ranch… one can dream. Simply.
Just picturing Dave Chappelle saying “where is the proposal of marriage?” Over this man wanting to come ‘round and date his 20 year old daughter. Not in his house. We’re opening the door to Magic Johnson’s Starbucks. That’s my neighborhood, I grew up there, so—not Italy. Like, the guru said, “go BACK to Italy?” Like, I went there for summers, I didn’t grow up there. I would go BACK to Ladera Heights, my friend, if I were seeking to reconnect with my roots… hilariously. I think, anyway. I think it’s funny that I’m from Ladera Heights.
I said I could move fast, right? I can’t help where I’m at, but I can move fast, so I hope I can. I have a better head on my shoulders, for sure, I would never get caught up in these corners. Sure, I might never be able to LIVE at the Carlyle, or something, I might never have a house in Bel Air, but I don’t know if that’s a goal in life? But as I feel, this is where I get amazing, or impressive, just WHAT I’m able to do, FORGET my beginnings. So anyway, I’ll be able to juggle all this. And keep pushing, keep finding better work, keep moving FORWARD.
I read this great line yesterday about how life must be live — MOVING FORWARD. There’s retrospect, of course, as this guru said, “the future writes the past.” I wouldn’t suggest taking that to heart. Life must be lived from the present moment moving forward. Not looking back, with some psychic hook in some IDEAL future that doesn’t exist. I wrote down goals, and now I’m working on breaking that down into actionable steps. Writing ALL THE TIME isn’t one of them.
I can’t really get a staff writing position, though I haven’t been pushing that hard, admittedly, mostly because I don’t know what I want to do… I want to feel fulfilled. There we go, bye….