Yesterday, what I thought, actually, was beginning the fairytale, or her diffusing the lambada to me, at a point later on in the story, when I reopen it, or when I start to question everything. I still don’t know how I want to structure this book. I have to keep reading. Because, was it true about my father?

I like the sports and the investigation at the BH tennis club, so I’ll keep going with what I have for the moment, rather than starting over, because I just don’t know enough yet. I had a thought yesterday, about what I last published on my Sensitive Content Warning blog. Just that it might come later on?

I might want to start with the lambad and have the love songs as a thought throughout, and arrange the sports around the songs and dancing from the beginning.

I just took that scene of her driving me over to her house and reconsidered it. It’s almost as if, I can’t explain it, but even my mother’s mirrors, as that’s what drove my undercover investigation, I was thinking whether or not that would be more effective later on once you’re in the story…

So I woke up today, frustrated with myself, because I don’t have to make any decisions too quickly, so I’m thinking order, so it tells a better story, but it’s not clear yet, what it is.

I have this doc where I just took the last thing I published and just expanded it, and so now I’m going to keep going with what I have. The interaction beween the love songs and tennis is strong, as well as the bodies moving in space.

It’s like, I am a woman in love, would that be more impactful as a song that’s driving Nicole and I as we put on these outrageous spectacles for my father, sentenced to stand at the door? Acting guilty, yeah. Shocking. Throwing our fists, “you know I know how you FEEL…” evidently, I think, the laughter through her wailing, the forced laughter, “over and over again!!!” Might as well start breakdancing, me, so skilled, somehow, at five.

It’s hard not to make an association between her ectacsy in teaching the songs, the spectacle we put on for him, with sex. Crazy, it was crazy to me… “over and over again,” thinking about the lyrics, as I think ideally I would use them. “Another night, another show…”

I keep wanting some big breakthrough to land, which makes everything clear to me, but I have to give it more space, I think, because I could make all these elements work together a little more in the prose. So I have to hold off a second and keep digesting this content, what do I want to do with it?

That’s my morning address.

I don’t get the sense that anyone reading this is going to assume that my father wasn’t guilty, in fact, or that… it wasn’t a question. I don’t get that sense. So that’s strange, but the investigation was launched when I thought it was a lie, and I might pray every day that it’s a lie, that I might have been taken advantage of elsewhere, it’s just… that story is crazy, my parents acted totally nuts. And should I expand into the fairytale of it — “you create your own reality” the Twilight Zone I ended up in? “You’re psychic…” OVER AND OVER AGGGGAAAAIN. Picturing me skillfully dancing, with rhythm, taking a step at four, “seriously, you’re psychic.” It’s a riiiiiiight I defend. I had to joke, I had to crack jokes, put all these images together because it was just ridiculous. There’s something to say about a track coming on because they’re iconic songs, and the game, or the players, movement being in sync to it, that I like. And the investigation… unfolding with all that already at play.

I’m trying to break out of the literal… like, she’s driving over to my house to Barbara Streisand, to that opener, rather than hang onto Julio Iglesias, though it’s funny, unless, I find a way to transition from her bedroom to her car… driving over… because I’m not sure if the conversational format is the best choice if I want to showcase prose, writing, and I think I’m good at it, actually, when I let myself go — and let the different elements marinate in the writing…

Anyway, learning how to take a thought, I had one, but I don’t know what that means yet, so I’m not going to start over, I’m going to keep on going, so I can keep taking in the whole story, with the public in mind…just because I had no idea how to take any of it, how it read, I mean, just the story itself and what happened? And I’m more so telling the from this perspective that I have now. So just putting it up on a blog has helped me to crack through the fairytale I went through to get here with psychics, gurus, and geniuses mixed in, and friends — ignoring me, shutting me down. You know I know how you FEEL! Around that topic, specifically, and I’ve had a hard time personally, because I would not emulate any of these people’s behavior.

So I’ve accepted that, I have some friends I can talk to if I want to, but I’ve sort of let it go because I don’t really need to, there was just so little care or even follow-through, that I just thought, okay. I don’t even know what to say about my friend, like I basically had to tell her that I need someone to keep up with me right now, but she totally ignored what I said about not knowing whether it was true. I just lacked a caring friend, actually, though I spoke to one, which was fine, I don’t know if I need people calling me all the time, or something. I was just reading The Tell, and her friends, a couple, were really there for her. I keep moving on from that. I’ll keep going and getting myself set-up so I can keep working out what I need to, working on what I need to.

I felt like I stagnated a little, hard to explain, I tried to listen to myself and take some space, actually, to settle, as it sucks, it does, I do not want to be at this point because it wasn’t necessary, and the advice I got from arrogant men, particularly, didn’t assist me an inch. That’s fine. I didn’t want their assistance to begin with. One of these help shadows I hated, truly. So anyway, I gotta refocus and get back in the active position of pursuit, but the job question, the lack of funds I have, that’s really weighing on me. That’s basically it, all else is fine, I just have to keep on motivating myself to keep going even if I feel uncertain.

So today, I have to read my book as I’m still reading for my book proposal.

I want to go to a few open mics. Check.

I need to set up some more dates with musicians, and specifically, with the one where it’s already good, so I need to text him.

I keep trying to think of where I could go as a writer that would be fulfilling as well as a good opportunity.

I’m getting headshots taken tomorrow. That too. I have a make up appointment before I go. It’s just a one look headshot that came with this class I’m taking that’s about learning a method for contacting agents, so I’m throwing myself head first. My roommate just handed me a coffee without me needing to ask… him… or go somewhere for it. How sweet is that? I kicked myself off the — uhhh — what do I do from here? My work stuff is so up in the air, but I suppose we all have moments when we need to take a step back, so I did that and I’m feeling energized again about — really grabbing this moment by the horns, there’s nothing I can do, the book is taking its time.

I’m in a better headspace as to how to tackle it conceptually, so I’m just reading, that’s it, learning how to slow down. Ideas pop up. They do. I’m learning to sit back and go, “okay,” let’s not turn the wheel and plunge into another direction. For my headshot, I have one free look, and I had no clue what to do, because cinematic headshot is the way to go? I thought fresh face, even if I’m older, as I think I have one, a fresh face. That’s what I’m going to be with, I’ll show a little skin, actually, instead of a t-shirt or a tank, I have a dress that might look like, blue color, looks good on my skin. So I’m almost there. I’m getting there. I need to probably take out money, so I might just take out a bit so I can get into an acting class.

I had a thought yesterday, sort of thinking about the great actresses of today, that, I might feel an affiliation with a couple, why, I don’t know, but I get MY LOOK might not relate to them at all. And I thought, maybe that’s a good thing. Meaning, I have been thinking so deeply about point of view, as if that’s really what it’s all about, having one. And so if I think about the actresses I really like, and watch my “cast ability” maybe there will be a good meeting. “Huh, interesting choice,” for that person. Jim Carrey is one of them, as I’m trying to capitalize on my face, as I have strong features, and I like his perspective on mask. But I also like Harris, Barbara Harris, though I don’t know her process, of allowing a character to emerge… something mysterious and natural… sensual.

So I’m so happy I could cry, though I am sometimes, in the moment, so unsettled and unclear, but I found a good apartment, obviously, good vibes, and I will be comfortable here, though I have to keep in mind I can be a little too comfortable no matter where I am, type deal. Bigger dreams. Bigger reaches to make. I gotta keep that fire going, I gotta keep a focus, drive, intention, like all that.

Again, you know what I’m going to say, the psychic crap was really really challenging, mentally. The making pictures in my head. I don’t know what to say about visualization. I’ll get back to you once something happens that allows me to say… that it works. I had a vision for myself, though, I’m trying to continue using that sense: picturing it, picturing me moving into a house, it’s not an inconsequential goal. I’m picturing myself at auditions, I’m picturing myself getting better as a writer and finding my way through that because I chose it, regardless, and it’s a skill I have now.

But I can’t quite find the right job yet. I gotta go figure that out. I have a couple little jobs, at least, I had to let this other one go, I don’t know what to say, but it was messing with my head, and I don’t know why. I feel a lot better that I’ve let that go, and I need to keep figuring it out. The Barbara Harris book project is so touching, moving, and refreshing for its thoughtprovoking theme, of what it means to take care of someone, I mean, even with a mental illness, yes. I’m proud of that one, even if I am not done with it, yet, but all I’m going to do now is: read books, you know? Try and complete these proposals, because I should be able to move a little more quickly now that I understand the basic way to go about doing this — yikes, I’m a little embarassed, perplexed, luckily I have Dave Chappelle in my head to make me laugh with the facial expressions I attempt to achieve, but I am the… random girl who happened to have the most bizarre scandal or something, weird exchange with a Hollywood type… where I don’t know, even today, in looking at Instagram, what people believe to be true, but some guy playing guru or psychologist with me is so exceedingly strange. Not sexual at all. At least as far as I know.

“The theme here is nourishment,” he said. And there you go, maybe I wasn’t fed, according to his psychics senses, when I was a baby, with no tenderness at all from him, like a statement like that is normal, to de delivered in guru phrases, I mean, truly. Anyway, I have open mics to attend, getting back in, I have to go out there and get a job, and I’m bringing my computer along, and I’ll work between, I’ll get back — but I’m proud to be hitting that note: tenderness, it’s true, it’s needed, and if I didn’t go through this crazy ass story, I’m telling you, I would not be that person who went to meet Barbara Harris. I know it’s a script, that I know, even if I do mixed media for the purposes of a book, but it’s a script, that’s what it is, movie. Specific. And how funny would it be, I really hope it can go as well as I feel it can, but I would absolutely love to see her be acknowledged and remembered — she is, but it would be so wonderful to see her presence, lol, “playing the CLOWN,” the way she says it, “trying to DROWN.”

I thought about doing that monologue for this NYU grad audition, for filmmakers, only because vulnerability, that’s a gift I have, but maybe I should do something with rage, something with real emotion behind it, where I can show that in flashes, so maybe I’ll look up Meryl Streep, and see if she’s got one of these— that can really show what I can do, on the brink of tears, something, so I’ll be looking around… I can’t even tell you, the joy I feel, the sheer curiousity I feel to be… looking at this profession of acting with… um, nothing but a clear road… I mean, no blocks, no nothing, so I’m giving myself a shot, I don’t give a shit. And I’m going to give what I felt, inside, I had to give. I can get there, and that’s thriling to me.

So thanks for reading, time to embrace the day.