And I’m out, and I got photos. That’s me in my twenties. I was just a nice looking girl. I saw these pictures, reconnected with a me before the guru, the plant people, before Paris, even. The emotions that surface when you move your stuff around, wishing I could take a magic eraser and just remove the last decade. Eternal sunshine. I never could tell what I looked like, and of course as the years pass, you go, I looked lovely, actually, I leap at myself sometimes almost as I were a mother, like I’m so sorry, because I felt like I got sort of eaten alive. But what can I say? What can I say now? That guru killed me, he really did, I wish he never got involved in my life. I really do. I was just a nice looking girl writing at a cafe, I wanted to try writing, I didn’t need to be the one, for the love of God. I’m having another moment. Wishing I had never met him. So another day. Another day I go, wait, I don’t understand what happened. I was just a girl at a cafe. I didn’t need some douchebag. I really didn’t. I wish he never came through the door. I wish I got up the second he pointed at me as if I were a thing — knoooooowwww what do you wannnna knoooowwww…. I hate Sam for introducing me to him. So, now I’m going to go cry and expulse him once more, who will go down at the worst thing that ever happened to me. Literally the worst. Useless. Paradsio he said, one day. You know? I knew what paradiso was, I knew that feeling, and it was before he entered my life. I wish I never spoke to him. Like, what exactly interested him about me? That stupid story, it brought me nothing, really. Just some super weird guy. Man, was that guru was total weirdo. Pointing at me across a room like that, why? Why was that necessary? Abysmal. I just wasn’t able to read that situation and he presented himself as an authority, and I can’t believe I fell for it. It’s like, I never thought my story was that attractive to a person, I mean, to the point where I look back and he appears to be the devil, even. Jesus Christ, I was a person. Heartless, spineless. “You create your own reality” on a fucking loop, this guru. He was so creepy. Everyone has sides, that turns out to be true. But what he did was creep-tastic. A total creep. “I LIKE HOW THEY FEED YOU.” He disgusts me. “YOU CANNOT DISAPPOINT ME YOU HAVE MY LOVE…” All we spoke about was reality creation, imagine? And me, I guess. Some exceptions. I didn’t exactly enjoy myself. I suppose his brother would wonder — and I would be at a loss. I have no idea what that relationship was. I didn’t see that I was disturbed. He disturbed me. And both of them have sort of out there ideas, come on, they couldn’t just talk about their ideas with just anyone, and they know that, so why did they do it with me? Did I need channeler tapes? I was just a nice girl. Wasn’t my presence weird? It was his arrogance, and he’s charming, sort of, he has his charm, but holy shit, everyone’s entitled to be whoever they are, but someone who can’t really have a relationship with someone, I mean, look, you don’t feel around someone’s insides. Okay? I’m a person. I didn’t need writing to become some — and now, I’m scared. I get scared sometimes. Now, it’s not that I don’t want to make it, but it didn’t need to be a problem. I don’t know, I have no idea what’s going to happen, which is valid. I’m writing a book, but why would I twist and turn over some end game that I’m J.K Rowling? He didn’t play fair. And that was my life. I hate this man. “Death is a really good psychological device,” like how did I get here? That’s a completely insane statement. Dark road, dark man. A man who believes his meditations make him some superior being with psychic senses. Anyway, I didn’t even know who I was, honestly. I was not at all in need of his so-called “teachings,” I mean, what the hell was he doing? Pointing at orange cones, going on about how he’s making it up, it was absurd. So on nights like this, what can I do, I take myself in as if I were my child, like I’m so sorry. I did not deserve that. Not at all! I never got involved with someone like that before. I don’t even care about a couple of the pleasant convos we had, what even were they? Did they exist? Wasn’t I a mess, most of the time? I was never like that. Once I moved, I suddenly was flailing, okay? That relationship was not okay. “The theme here is nourishment,” suggesting I wasn’t fed, ridiculous. He’s suggesting it like a GURU, imagine? No feeling. This man had no feeling. He was ruthless. So—I got that out of my system. I’ll go. I never thought I could ever meet someone like that. I can’t even.