I don’t like using images of people, not unless I have their permission. I don’t like talking about people either. But I thought, as Good Will Hunting was one of the movies I watched a lot, that Will Hunting could return… and help me through the, uh, mess that was my life.
I thought that would have been a good idea for what happened next. He goes to Stanford, and he can do math in his freetime, no worries. That obviously requires no effort on his part, but I thought, he might end up becoming a psychologist, actually.
He’ll come to find, sort of looking around the room as he hears people talking about this subject, that he might have gifts in another direction because of what he went through and where he came from. Robin Williams. He could become a psychologist. And most likely, he would be successful. It would fulfill him, in a way that math doesn’t. People aren’t the easiest, right?
I just, truly, just wrote about orangutans, and the lessons for me personally were so deep. But im thinking of telling a funny story about Matt Damon, as I’m thinking about comedy, and Dave Chappelle talks about celebrities. Me? No no no no, I couldn’t watch TV, basically, nope, not going to a film. It’s not happening. Nope, unless it was Keanu Reeves or Dave Chappelle (only in my family of color) — you’re never going to find me near a celebrity. Not interested.
REJECT.
RUN.
Mostly because of all the stuff, I can’t even go into it. Finally, hanging onto a phone, Dog Day Afternoon projected on my fucking pink wall, I thought, Al Pacino might be my spirit animal. “I don’t give a shit,” I said to my friend on the phone, “about Kim Kardashian…” And then, I went on Instagram and blessed her.
I needed to emerge, according to my inner shaman. It was time “to emerge,” in fact, and that thought came to me as I went through an awakening, systems collapse, not too sure, and I don’t know what the body of either of those experiences are, as it sort of seems like there was abuse somewhere… I heard, “you can emerge…”
I laughed.
Tackling Barbara Harris required me to start watching Javier Bardem rip out his earbuds and call a press member stupid. It required me to watch Ben Affleck just trying to get to lunch. In any case, I started looking around, literally speaking, as writing about my childhood ended up being revelatory.
I happened to be on a bench one day in Madison Square Park, coming to a realization, though it was hazy. It was around the time that Clearwater was coming out. I happened to look over my shoulder and notice a poster and it hit me — oh my God, Matt Damon…would never be in this situation. You know? Not happening. I began to scan the psycho-spiritual plane… Dave Chappelle? Nope. That was a quick response. He saw Dr. J from a mile away, maybe more. Not going there. That was relevatory. Ed Norton was laughing.
I suppose drama gets you wrapped up in what can happen to a person, so I always thought that anyone could end up in a situation they didn’t expect, BUT BUT BUT DAMON was like, “um, where was he???” He was on vacation for 7 weeks though he’s picking up his wife at the police station for drinking, driving, and looking for sex downtown. Yeah, I got clear signals from Matt Damon that he’s not leaving his child with this person. I sat on a bench and needed to get comfortable with a very final answer. No, it’s just a no, and Ed Norton was still laughing. “No.”
I got strong feelings from the psycho-spiritual plane. There were people who would never be in my situation. So okay, that was a rough morning, because “sure sure,” Dave Chappelle could take it from here. “It’s going to be okay,” holy shit, right? “Sure sure.” In that movie Matt Damon goes to a foreign country to get his missing child back. I was twenty minutes away. That wouldn’t be hard for Matt Damon.
So, my mouth agape, I tuned into some of the press he did for this film. I think social media has changed this landscape, actually, because I never watched TV, so I don’t know how I ended up on this channel. I’m going, wait what? He’s talking about…what? Being away for three weeks, max, because he spends time? What? With his kids. TO ME, he LOOKED like he was lying, this man is lying. Then I laughed at something about his kids keeping him grounded, and that didn’t seem to go over well with him. Yeah, you see, my story is funny, as this anchor was asking him if he was worried about his kids or something, and Damon said something about kids coming from situations, or not being raised properly. My mind was blown. He actually wants to spend time with his children. So that’s how Matt Damon helped me personally.
My father got diagnosed with dementia, he was a complicated subject, as I didn’t want to spend any time with him. But in LOOKING at people, he didn’t have this attitude. My father is another subject. And so were the other families in my life as they dominated my narrative.
To conclude, I finally mustered up the courage to see a movie. I happened to run into a downtown theater maker, so we caught up at Horus Cafe for hookah and a beer, and he wanted to know if I wanted to do something, not hookah. Here we go, I thought, with the ghost of Barbara Harris, though I wasn’t aware of it yet.
“I would like to see a movie…” probably like the first time I ever said that.
“Oh?” He said. “Sure,” nothing wrong with that.
“Yeah,” I said, I did it.
“Which movie…?”
“Um,” I thought, “I would like to see the new Matt Damon movie because I like him as an actor…” I’m not diving into all the reasons as I was working on a draft where I go elsewhere and speak in a foreign language.
And I swear, from this point on, I didn’t stop hearing “Matt Damon.” This person kept mentioning Matt Damon, okay? When I didn’t want all this. I did not want these attachments. He texted me—Matt Damon—Matt Damon he kept saying. ABORT ABORT ABORT. I just let it go… let it sail on past… in the end, it wasn’t showing anymore, or something, but there was a Hitchcock film…?
Is that a joke?
Hitchcock would have probably cast Matt Damon in something. Hilarious. Matt Damon isn’t good enough. Hitchcock, even just it being Hitchcock. I ran up against good cinema? I just wanted to SEE A MOVIE… looking out the window of my apartment I could not afford, or I could have, but I lacked any awareness in this department, speaking of the orangutans — smarter than I was.
You see? This is why I never got involved.
I thought, okay, hm, there was a MAGAZINE in my apartment, graining away from it with Joaquin Phoenix on it. How it got here, I do not know, but I thought, hmmm, maybe he would have a recommendation. So I opened it, grained away, literally, and quickly picked up on a couple factoids: where, noodles? Uh huh. And this quote:
These people tried to sell him over noodles a heist movie, and Phoenix said, “there’s hardly any action in it.” Okay? So do not sell him a heist movie if it’s not a heist movie. Okay, loud and clear, “the type of movies I like, are hilarous and heartbreaking like Dog Day Afternoon. So I watched that, and I really enjoyed it.
Right, sitting on my couch, I did it.
I’ve definitely seen movies, obviously, and watched TV, but not really.
What I know? I only know about actor’s kids, not that I look them up, but I catch what they say about their kids without intending to. Like, Vanessa Kirby, what? the fine text even grabbed me under this photo, did I see mother? Like Natalie Portman in her Mother t-shirt, yeah, that’s about it. There’s nothing a mother wouldn’t do for her child, something like this.
I laughed.
That’s basically it. These are my thoughts today.
So I’ll start about how to work in celebrities into my comedy routine, as someone who has never even mentioned a celebrity. It’s very clear, and it will be even clearer when I open my mouth. That’s another reason why I was interested in BH, as I was so turned off by fame. And, look, um, thinking about Matt Damon, even, I was…strangely, a star to people. Imagine me saying that to Matt Damon, me having issues with it. “I felt so unreal.”
I couldn’t even — just picture my eyes shifting — watch Inside the Actors Studio with Brad Pitt. As I came up with an idea for Death, I watched Meet Joe Black, again, I saw that, and thought maybe he’ll saw something about that character on Inside the Actor’s Studio — Barbara Harris is a lifelong member which extends into death — and my friend came over and saw the thumbnail, and made a face…
Like, of course, you would like Brad Pitt…
I took a breath, I did, I was trying to engage with Brad Pitt the actor… laughing, poor man, lol. The shaman within me just said, “this is good work.”
So I dipped my toe, hot waters.
I was always amazed, right? Because sometimes I did engage with people who knew things about celebrities, it’s sort of like a channel I don’t click on, so every now and then, sure, sure. And people really connect over that. I’m amazed, right? My sister in my family of color, even if I needed to rearrange my relationship to them, which has nothing to do with them, only that, I came to work a lot. I care about them, that got extremely complicated for me. She knows so much — it’s amazing, how do you do this? I cannot even keep track of grocery shopping on this day, um, read an article here, you see? I cannot operate this complexly. She knows SO MUCH.
And, my friend started talking about Tom Cruise… and he had “inside” information from someone close to him, it’s just, the closest to me lied bad, real bad, people lie, they really do, so I didn’t know what to say. I mostly never said anything, because I don’t like to argue. I also don’t care to participate in an argument that stemmed from Tom Cruise, personally.
But I could be famous, apparently, um, this is what I heard. I could have a lamborghini. I could make it in some capacity. I have been called Joan Didion, Carl Jung, Lady Gaga, in her more vulnerable moments, a clue to stop being so vulnerable, and even Barbara Harris. So, what can I say? None of that…lol, brought me happiness….My friend, my former closest friend, he believed that I was about to be famous, too. He wanted to be my actor, manager, when I hadn’t even completed a book… it was the manager comment. “As your manager…”
Yeah, no, no one I know is going to be my manager, this is not Entourage with the ghost of Barbara Harris in tow, somehow. Though I would need some shaman, Mark Wahlberg, probably, to assist me through this world, as I am psychic, okay? And Mark Wahlberg wants to talk, tapping his heart, “about what’s going on in here…”
“She’s going to call…”
And there I am. “What’s happening?”
I’m not in that industry, right? I needed to picture JCO, Joyce Carol Oates, in this — she’s not on TV, I’m sure she has been, but it’s not exactly the industry to be in, if you want to be on TV, that’s film and TV. But I did get to thinking, once I cleared all this shit away, including all this shit that comes along with being famous, or being able to be famous, sex scandals, I might want to be on TV, so I’m beginning to… put myself out there in that way.
An open mic is the easiest way to begin as I had to think about it over time… I have to do a lot at once, but at least, I’m getting more comfortable with the act of being in front of people and talking to them. I get to tell stories, develop what I want to, bomb, and in a sense, I’m not even young and hot anymore, right? I think I look great, I’m just not 17, 20, 25, I’m almost 40. What are you going to do? I might not look it at times, I can’t quite gauge this part, but I don’t give a shit what I look like. THAT issue, I gotta be really really honest, get over it — fast.
I posted a headshot of myself, having decided to show skin, which I never do, either, as the short hair, my personality, I really didn’t like what I attracted. So power issues aside… I tried to, clearing my throat, DC nodding me on, “uplift people.” You know, you can get in touch with the truth, you can.
And it’s hilarious to me what I look like, because I don’t even know how to begin there in terms of the feedback I got, and now, I’m a bitch, yeah, sure. It might LOOK funny, me being a bitch, but I’m giving it my best shot…with the ghost of Barbara Harris, yes.
Maybe I should try to find a bitchy monologue, maybe that would be funny. I’m trying to pick one for an audition coming up next month, I’m just trying to think, how would these people cast me? It’s a student panel. A mom? What stories are these people going to write? Best friend? Older sister? I have to be real. Probably dramatic, on that end, so I have to think. Yes, Jenn LaFleur, I’ve been watching her too. She did a short where she gets a call from her kid who’s in a school shooting. Good long monologue. Just because, she and Ross, they make their own stuff. People do.
I’m just feeling a bit strange, not being famous anymore, lol, you see. No one needs to know about the sex scandal, you see, though they will I suppose, and that’s fine, but like, once you start reading, I mean, there are some heavy stories out there, so the idea that my story would — along with my looks? I was confused—propel me to the top, that would be cool, but I gotta have a house, that sort of thing. Good goal to have.
I’m trying to watch the actors that are in my castability range. Who I reminded people of. So funny. “Margaret Thatcher. Sorry, wrong, um, Judi Dench.” Just because I always go, really? It doesn’t matter, sure, I look like Annette Bening. No, no one said that to me. I got Minnie Driver, Britt Lower, you know?
There’s a part of me that just wants to eliminate the curls because I feel like if you have curly hair, you’re automatically associated with ONLY curly-haired people, it seems, though I got some range, because I put some flat hair pics in the mix.
Julia Roberts had big hair, but I don’t associate her as a curly-sue. I gotta think about that. I’m trying to work with long hair, but I don’t know if I should go back to short. So I’ll figure that out.