I would go see her stand up—I gotta watch her comedy special. She’s in her forties, she has a career, a real stand up career. She’s been at it for much longer than I have — three months, which is hilarious as a number. “How long have you been doing this?” “Three months.” Made it to Rodney’s—who cares? I don’t know WHERE I have to go yet, I know I have to get to industry night, I know I gotta GET there. I have to develop a style, all that, I have to develop myself as a stand up.
I’ve been thinking about what it means to be psychic, as I am psychic, the most psychic. Is there a CHARLENE? Listening? CHARLENE? Dave Chappelle reference. CHARLENE? With a grandma named SUE? Anyway.
I always have to remind myself that I just started. But it took almost 20 years for Commings to pop up on social media, of course. She’s only a few years older than I am. So — I gotta take a deep breath because I have to take the plunge. I came up with an idea on TikTok this morning to do morning addresses to Peer Gynt about my family. Just what happened to me this past decade. I met a Hollywood screenwriter who MISTOOK himself — as I was in an M Night Shyamalan film that Oliver Sacks would have paid money to see — to be a wiseman! He MISTOOK HIMSELF to be a goddamn wiseman, like are your wires crossed? A wiseman, why??? I was in a sex scandal, not a MOVIE about a sex scandal! The theme here is nourishment…
This man suggested I wasn’t FED or cared for, imagine? As a baby! Child, whatever—this man told me that a four year old was a BABY, Jesus Christ! He told me at 30 year old was a BABY! NO!” This guy was crazy. “Bleedthroughs,” he agreed, “I get bleedthroughs from different TIMES as in ERAs as his brother told me that I would have spoke to animals in the 15th century,” come on, he wasn’t joking! “You cannot disappoint me you have my love? Look…”
I was looking at her social media, and she’s making videos into camera. I think I’m going to take a plunge today, right? Because I wanted to start a new Instagram profile, which is retarded, why? President Barack Obama is helping me currently on the psycho-spiritual plane. OKAY? I needed OBAMA to help me psychically through this! And he’s telling me to put on Peer Gynt. He’s telling me to simplify my approach on TikTok. He’s now trying to push me over the edge: you gotta post more videos. You gotta get over being shy about it, so I’m receiving that information on the psycho-spiritual plane. I’m seeing Obama in an Apple Watch, why? Dunno. He’s probably just monitoring his health. He doesn’t need an Apple Watch. He sort of has to wear one though as a politician. So maybe this will work—imagine Obama? Imagine OBAMA hearing this sentence, please! So I’m going to take a deep breath.
You know the funny man who comments on celebrities? I’m not doing what he’s doing, but I could do something simple, like I could comment on some of these sex scandals — sex scandal sex scandal sex scandal — I’m coming to help you STAT. I’m flying in, a psychic — even. I’m psychic. Look: Obama and I heard you. You were in a sex scandal. Jokes aside, I could comment on that even if it’s outdated, but it’s a legit topic, OKAY? And if you need me to SAY MORE — like my ASSHOLE friends — let me break it down to you, let me TELL YOU what a sex scandal looks like… this one I was in?
Cue suspensful music, see Selma Hayek playing Brazilian though she didn’t looking for an address… Angelica Leibowitz had the perfect life, flashes of her six Jewish kids on their way to the US Open, but she made an expected stop…one day… to Dr. J’s house… now… I don’t know about you, okay? But I tell Barack Obama that her name is Dr. J? He’s already on edge. The Obamas are worried. “So she stops by… Dr. J’s house.” That’s it. I’m going to start making morning addresses, something, because there’s no point, at all whatsoever playing small. Obama is trying to support me through this nonsense on the psycho spiritual plane. What happened to me. Truly.
JESUS — can you imagine? Obama goes, “why are you psychic?”
“I see things…”
“Is that a good sign?”
Even if it’s true, because I have seen some real shit, I have, images sure that have a real application. Is this something I need to deal with? Am I psychic? Am I the most psychic person the world has ever seen? That’s how people acted, like I was an X-MEN. MAGNETO is finding me first, he’s going to find me on a stupid ferry in Istanbul, and he’s going to SUGGEST REVENGE. I am magnificent, no? I’m going to turn to the dark side, no offense, they’re MORE NORMAL than the supposedly bright side, Dr. J. That shit was dark, but it was broad daylight. I’m hopping off the boat, like an idiot who has to put in real effort to fly… but this is what I have to do.
I have to start posting videos on Instagram. On TikTok too. Which I have. But this is my goal today: post a Peer Gynt video on Instagram, and then, I’m going to make it a goal this week to figure out how to layer an article behind me, so I can address one article. You got a problem? With me being in a sex scandal when I was four? LISTEN— SO DO I: very very likely Alice Munro was molested if only because it is so common…” is this SENSITIVE content if everyone is getting molested? Is that true? It’s in the NYTIMES. That’s what I’m doing this week.
The experiment— you see, the experiment: is whether or not the future does write the past, okay? That’s what the guru believed. But is there a point if that future doesn’t want you back? You know? That’s what writing felt like. But as a performer, I don’t feel shut down, I’ve been getting the information I need in the “magic way,” in the way that people believe can happen. LOOK at Whitney Cummings, there she is on my feed in her forties, and she looks good, she looks really good. And she’s making videos, and that’s the world today.
So that’s what I’m going to do. I woke up feeling clear.
I’m going to post my first Peer Gynt video after I shower. I don’t even give a shit that my roots are showing, I was in BANGKOK people, wandering the earth because I was so confused. We’re going to talk about mental health, too, okay? It’s wake up time. Guess what? The MIND, the BRAIN? Is connected to A BODY. I feel like I need to get rudimentary. DO YOU THINK I DIDN’T FEEL THINGS? I was in a sex scandal, when I was four! Now, did I say — that I was in the WORSE sex scandal? NO. ON EARTH? NO. What? Can I not talk about it in public? Is this not a public forum? Just please. Anyway, I’m going to do that right now. I do not care about social media — Jesus, Christ. My friends ACT as if it’s a secret window into their lives… PEOPLE can SEE YOU. Brad Pitt can LOOK you UP, in 4 seconds. Okay? Oprah, probably already did. It’s a public stage. YOU might not USE it in that way, but that doesn’t mean I can’t. SHUT DOWN. Look bitch, I’m going to Julianna Moore’s FACIALIST, mark my words. I will rise again.
The ghost of Barbara Harris is helping me.
Because ghosts are real…right?
The line between life and death is arbitrary, this is what the guru told me. Hmmm. Not a good sign.