So I did it. I did the ten minute mic. I needed to let go of the 5 minute cut off and try to just talk to people. Theoretically, the goal is to get to a half hour, even an hour, right? So that ten minute mic is my new go-to for a minute. It was the best crowd thus far. It wasn’t the most populated of rooms, we were a handful, of men, mostly Black men, actually, and one old rocker who apparently, according to, I’m forgetting everyone’s name because I’m exhausted, the man in a Dolly Parton t-shirt, he was once a famous rocker? But was he making fun of him? Snipes. There was another white guy in the back and some Asian dude looking down… not always…but he might have come for the mic I wanted to go to, but the people who host these mics extended the previous mic, so I didn’t see him perform… as I left with the 7:30 people, and I’m not sure if they did the 9:00 PM mic, but that’s why he was there… I just arrived early, so I could put my name on the list because I didn’t want to be there until fucking midnight because I worked until 4 AM last night.
It’s so funny to me because Black men continue to be the unsung heroes of my life right now. Every time I am feeling lost or confused or unseen, there’s always a Black man. My roommate is Black, he came to get me out of my room, all excited, bringing me in, wanting to introduce me to his girlfriend, reprimanding me for acting as if I didn’t pay rent just like they did, so why am I acting as if I have to ask permission? You can USE THE WHOLE HOUSE Maria. One Black comic called me back, “where have you been, good energy?” A Black man in an Uber share is simply acknowledging my existence with a hello, how are you, right? No attachments. A white person in an Uber share is turning away from you when you get in…texting. And tonight, a very nice man who’s been at other mics, he said he liked me, when I sat down, and I was “the white woman” there, so I got a little roasted… mildly. When I was done, he actually complimented me, “you were comfortable this time, onstage, you should keep doing that, just that…for a minute…” just talk to people. I needed to hear that this evening. But at least, now, I have a longer mic I can go to where I can… begin to go a little deeper into the story and tease the ideas out of it… I still have a lot to do, develop a style, characters, work on jokes, but at least I can explore the point, the points, the psychology of it…
At least Dr. J got a laugh, in that room, “white people didn’t tend to get that… that her name is Dr. J…” she’s wrapping up her child in sex scandals, she’s drinking, driving and looking for sex downtown…she’s getting naked in front of you when you want to file a tax return in a room of mirrors — like damn, Dr. J, that’s a bold move. Dr. J — leegend, and it begins in the kingdom of Magic Johnson. Ladera Heights. She was…? “The whitest woman anybody had ever seen,” for real. “Remarkably white, very white, unusual shade…” and just picture my neighborhood saying that. That was the first thing anyone said. “She was truly white.” And I couldn’t help but laugh. And you’re going to see why, except, I don’t know if I’m always grazing an unadultered truth, like a Black person is going to go, “wow…” if you will, like I don’t know what a person of color thinks about the dark side of white… since, this is Dr. J. So let’s say, a blind innocence… to begin. When it comes to racism, yes, but there was something about her character that rang like white puss, sort of, sorry, she was graphic and sick. Like, my father told me this story when I came home from the sex scandal.
They had gotten burglarized okay? At like 11 AM, it was even ridiculous, which I think was the point. SO Dr. J — hear this — she was a tax law expert. I might go into Dr. J next time. But the point, to skip, she catered to a clientele of people about to go to jail, people at the bottom of their lives, and look, I might have been four, but her clintele was quite diverse, actually, and she’s sleeping with all of them, apparently, for one, or something, and she’s doing their taxes, no, she’s saving their lives… the most selfless person… but she’sleaving her jewels and cash out… so her closet door is open and her jewels are sparkling, and she’s just leaving cash around. As… people are paying her like, close to 400 dollars an hour (in value in 1989, 1990) to get riches thrown in their face. In Ladera Heights. Her eyes were as blue as the sky… the exact shade… as if there was darkness there. A blindness… that’s… annoying, she’s just an innocent person. I’ll tackle Dr. J next time. For a minute, I’m just going to…
take this nice man’s advice — just do that a minute. I’ll work on characters, delivery, and setting text later. Good crowd. I’m glad I went, so I was at Ace Hotel, and normally, I would order a beer or something, right? And stay a while, I don’t know, but I made a different choice. The way we fill our time…and these seemingly small moments, to me, aren’t small. It’s not that I have a drinking problem, but you have to make different choices to… make different choices, if that makes sense. That might sound obvious, but a majority of the battle is getting to that space, where you waiver, where you think, should I skip the mic, I’m tired, and get a beer and relax, or something? No, I gotta go, even when you don’t want to.
Instead I wrote to work out what I wanted to talk about… the Head of the PTA, that’s a character, I have to go and work on that. I can go to the character mic, again, but that’s not a let me…tell you about it, that’s a “do it.” I’m descending on a chord… down the wall of school… I unclip the carabiners… ready to greet you, whoever you are. The drone appears. A soldier peers over the roof. I have a military personnel with me at all times. He’s just there, too. I know that crazy shit can happen to you. I’m going to reenvision “the shooter drill…” I’m training these kids. We’re going to — get the shooter, you see. We’re going to blow up Twitter. We’re going to… stage coups, sure… my voice over the PA system, “not this time mother fucker.”
And then, Nickolodeon GAK is dumped on this person. Lots and lots of GAK. Slimy GAK. Now what? Idiot. The tennis ball machine. Nerf guns, just me in mid air, turning over the main hallway, firing tennis balls at the school shooter. Training these kids, lifting weights at eight, me with a stopwatch, the military man standing there. Just little kids coming over their desks with weapons — go. Except in this case, I think, some hilarious net is projected, or an alternative to actually killing the guy, I don’t know. I would want the effect of it looking like the real thing, like, that’s basically what we have to do now. We have to train kids — to be lethal weapons.
And I will train them.
I just had the best time thinking about the ridiculous ways to just obliterate this person. A military personnel standing at the head of the classroom with me — “this is the aorta valve…” I’m teaching these kids anatomy. "The target,” my hand moving down, “is here, here, and here.”
It’s time to get funky… imagine? That song starts playing for this school shooter. Clap, clap clap, clap your hands. Casper Slide Part Two. You could call me Halloween, Jason, yes a slasher film but for the good of Man. Imagine? School shooter arrives — Casper Slide Part II. (My nickname was Casper.)
Insane. Kids being shot. Anyway, that’s my dream: Head of the PTA — turning through the air with nerf guns — pointed at the school shooter to Casper Slide Part II, “criss cross.” Now it’s time to get funky… that’s a character I have to develop once I had a realization that people’s understanding of me, admittedly I could give off a vibe, but what sense did that make, was wrong. No no no, I’m not a cool Mom. No, no no no. I’m not skipping through meadows, no. I’m Dr. J’s daughter. I’m the Head of the PTA. I have a bat in my trunk. And everyone in Ladera Heights knows that.
Apparently, I was good at characters, I just don’t know what that means anymore because I feel like such a different person. But, at my character open mic, I’ve gotten good feedback still, but it takes a second to get comfortable up there…I don’t have a sense of timing, yet, all of that takes awareness.
I tried to riff off Whitney Cummings talk about not being Head of the PTA, but just asking teachers directly if they are pedophiles. The Head of the PTA is operating as if they are all. Everyone is. Could be. Guilty until… imagine the PTA, this crew of people behind me, the Head of the PTA, getting upset, incensed. I feel like this character has to live in Ladera Heights. Her family lives in Ladera Heights. She has kids… cool cars outside her ranch. That’s my neighborhood. So funny. I’m from Ladera Heights. Alice and Wonderland runs through here, lol. It did. Dr. J.
“The whitest woman in all the land…”
I feel good, about myself, today.
I gotta go to sleep.