My friend set me up with a writer/artist who is working on a TV show today, and man, after coming out of a singing rehearsal with a pianist, I moved all this energy arund as I worked until 4 AM last night, so I feel much better, and I’m trying to keep a very neutral stance about everything right now. And, I’m trying to take more time and space, like, after working until 4 AM, is that the day to set up a meeting? Hm, probably not. Do it the next day.
I was exhausted today, my strep flared up again, which was so annoying, as it’s been a bit of a battle shaking off this strep completely. But singing helped actually. It helped clear my throat, so maybe I moved it, so I’m feeling much better, though I left the National Opera Center feeling a little lost… at twilight in the big city. I walked over to Ace Hotel as they have that moody lobby where you can work because I needed to land.
I met up with an older grizzly man from Ukraine today, as I’m playing around, trying to be open minded, put myself out there, see WHO else is out there? And he was older than the dream of a piano player I met, young Ukranian. Attractive. Polished. I have to think about that, especially if I want to sing in lounges, hotels, that sort of thing. But it doesn’t mean this man couldn’t factor in otherwise, but he was heavy handed, not sensitive to a singer. Grigorii is a classical trained pianist since the age of three. He plays gigs all the time. He got a touch weary because I just wanted to rehearse one more time before recording our video, and that turned him off.
But we are still in contact.
That being said, I wanted to see if there was a piano version of Little Sparrow, I wanted to see if there was a PYT, and also I tried a couple of more, and it was just a no. We’re not going to be able to work together in that capacity. However, he writes his own songs, that’s really what he’s passionate about, and so, I listened to a couple, and I thought, why don’t you send me some of your songs? And we can evaluate if we can play together that way? Right? I just want to sing… and I want to be open as to what that means.
It’s this part I think that stops most people actually, this annoying part, where you just have no clue what the fuck is going on. He paid for the rehearsal room too, he just jumped in there, which I wasn’t expecting. I’m meeting with a band in Gowanus on Friday to try that out, they seem pretty serious, and the guy on the phone was musician cool, right? Like you want my wife’s Facebook page? Just because, not to say I had a slasher film in my head but I’m going to some random guy’s house in Gowanus, and I might be slight, but if I had to I’d stab someone, to be frank with you. I would throw a chair in your face. I’m grabbing the first sharp object I see. That’s basically it. I’m Neapolitan. If I have to attack, I will.
I needed to move some energy around, because I wanted to go to an open mic tonight, and I was feeling low, just because I felt lost… I texted Grigorii, and I said, look, I’ll even pay you for your time. I think I need to keep a strict focus, that guy is for jazz — he plays everything — but I gotta think, if I want to get gigs around town, I have to think about what’s going sell. So he said he’d get back to me later. Like, Grigoriiiiii I’m serious, I want to get gigs, I just want to finalize a song list, can I pay you??? You know? I have to go out there and try and get a gig. The thing about this band on Friday, they want to go to a showcase, they’re looking for a singer to front the band, they’re into the songs I’m into, so it might be easier like that.
We’ll see.
Now, I don’t know how much time all this is going to take, but next, the next thing I have on the horizon, but not yet, because I have to take it step by step, is to find a guitarist so I can work on Neapolitan songs. I want to do a Neapolitan album. I need Roberto Murolo good. Someone who can play in that style, and we’ll see, maybe that will be the one, you know? Like the Italian joints will usher me in. Anema Cuore is utterly beautiful. His rendition of O Sole Mio is the one, for me. But that’s going to require accent, it’s practically classical music, even if Roberto Murolo isn’t an opera singer, the man is — Roberto Murolo. He’s one of the best singers ever. And I gotta figure out the key, if I do high, sort of classical, or what, my instinct says — yes. I still am getting back into shape, of course.
But I have a pretty clear vision there. Era di Maggio…. I love that music, really.
I get scared sometimes, lost, because I keep trying to simply communicate and I run into people who only want to relate. I am not in competition, I’m not even saying my experience is unique, but I feel like I open my mouth and it’s — well, you know, everyone — it’s exhausting. No offfense, I don’t know if I was RAPED as a four year old, so I have to spell it out, and what can I say? I have no idea how to deliver that information, and it happened so goddamn long ago, it’s like what the fuck else am I supposed to do? When I don’t know someone. You know what I mean? I gotta keep a super strict line there — nope. I do not talk about that. I just don’t. It’s not a casual conversation. Not a sex scandal. A sex scandal is not a casual convo. You know? I can’t get too serious, come on, it just sucks.
So I get shaky, I get worried, I am just on my own, but I just need a solid boyfriend, someone who is there, not to talk about it, necessarily, but encouraging, or someone who has a sense that Whitney Cummings is talking about — pedophiles on social media. Who cares? At this point. It’s so on the surface. She’s going straight up to teachers — are you a pedophile? It’s right there, it sits right under the surface, as anything related to sex does, but that’s definitely a hot topic. So I lose my nerve, sometime, and I must admit as I’m trying to really do this, I’m trying to really expand into this wish of mine, as I have no idea what else to do….
I had apathy issues, I can get apathetic, it might not come across that way, but I can stagnate, you see. I remember I met a director in Paris, and I had no clue what this was, as most of the time, I think people are going to give me a script, because my personality? Whoa. In my case, that’s — a plastic notion. Showcase personality… okay? Which one? And I was trying to assert self, too, today, since I’m trying to empower myself — insert. Not just let someone mix with me, no. I retain a clear, front. I really had to work through this day energetically, this goddamn strep. I really did. I had to work through this day.
The thing is, the sooner you just identify what your blocks are, the easier it is to — move past them. I gotta get into a rehearsal room. I gotta begin conceiving of a show. Something. I needed to take a minute, today, and not collapse in the aloneness… feeling like I’m really on my own, and the point is — not to give up. The point is — to keep moving and working towards goals. And look, um? Am I going to meet people that don’t mesh, or even bad musicians, which I’ve encountered too— not to say that I’m the best I can be, right now, but musicians I would prefer not to play with. Well, that’s par for the course. That’s basically it.
So I think I’m going to go to the ten min open mic this evening now that I feel clearer, which singing always does, I always feel clear. It’s the best way to move energy, I think, and I’m going to give myself a little more time to develop ideas, and I’ll see how that goes. It hasn’t been easy on me though, it really hasn’t, but again, I felt totally lost after my relationships this past decade, the guru a bit of an inflated ego there, I just mean, his talk of me being able to make it, getting inappropriately involved in my personal life, projecting like mad — there’s a lot of projeting going on in the psychic space, excuse me, as he believes he is psychic… he can read minds, or FEEL into you, which is sort of creepy. Like a boyfriend could have told me that.
“This guy sounds a little creepy.”
So I don’t know who I am anymore, in a sense, because I didn’t feel like anyone actually saw me accurately. Now, I’m sort of amazed, because I don’t feel seen, if you would. I’m going to think through what I want to talk about tonight…
So Whitney Cummings said it, she’s not the head of the pta, or something, don’t do that, she’s going up to a teacher and asking him directly if he is a pedophile. Well, I am the head of the pta because I was in a sex scandal, I’m scaling down the wall of school, right? A military man peering over the roof. I’m unclipping the carabiners. I’m definitely the Head of the PTA. “What are you doing at my school?” So it’s alright to talk about, pedophiles are everywhere, very very likely Alice Munro said, very very likely, we’re all being abused, we’re all getting molested. Not on my watch. I have eyes on everybody. At all times. I’m monitoring the hall, the bathroom, the lockers, the closets, I’m in deep discussions with TECH — okay? Time to get AI on board, time to project that AI voice on speakers towards this mother fucker, I want weapons — nerf guns, GAK, it’s time to bring back GAK, Nickolodeon. BIG tub of GAK at the entrance of school — okay? I thought about training kids with guns, just to flip it on these assholes, like desperate times kids — desperate measures. It’s time for a little anatomy 101. Shooter drill, my ass. Not on my watch, nor HIS, my military personnel, very tall. I’m very short. “This is an aorta valve. Target kids.”
We gotta bring down the shooter. Oh? You wanna come to this school? SURE. Let’s turn the tables kids. I was in a sex scandal, so this is my destiny. And like, this is where I get lost, like I feel like I have ideas in my head that I run, that I don’t write down, and then I feel lost afterwards, but it turns out, at this point, writing things down doesn’t exactly work, but — I gotta work on the character. “You, Maria, I’m talking to YOU.” This is BRAZIL. “Bitch, hear.” People act like I wasn’t wrapped up ain sex scandal, do you have ANY fucking idea what a goddamn nightmare that was? Look, okay? My BRAZILIAN Mother will kick you ass. She can whip you divinely to the next county, “COUNTRY HUNNY, FUCK COUNTY.” SHE would CORRECT ME, you have no idea who you were dealing with. My Brazilian mother was a divinity meets Tarantino gangster. He would have fallen in love with her, I’m pretty sure. Hr would have been 100% obsessed with her. She was a fire goddess.
Let’s play a little game, she said, nice game.
I’ll try and take from there. I’ll start with Whitney Cummings, and how I’m the head of the PTA, it was a revelatioin, I don’t have avaitors right now, but maybe I can find a cheap pair on my way this evening… LOOK, um, I’m climbing over the roof, ducking, flying out classroom windows—I’m taking the shooter drill, this pansy fear bullshit, and I’m turning the canons onto the school shooter — imagine the news caster? “Um,” did he hear that right? “Kids are fighting back with GAK?”
Nerf gun. I’m taking the tennis ball machine, and it will sit in the middle of the hall facing the front doot — the TECH department will program it — boom. I thought training kids with guns — or teaching them how to use weapons might be a touch too real, but it would be effective. I’m a sniper, on the roof of this school with some random military personel. “You do not undersand.” Walking into school, imagining myself as the Head of the fucking PTA changed my goddamn life. Excuse me? You do not know who I am. This idea that I was…cute, no, not exactly. Lethal. I was in a sex scandal, so that would make sense. Bake sale? Uh huh. I’ve heard it before. Sounds like Hansel and Gretel to me. I’m chasing people — super aggressively — across the football field. Boom — up the bleachers — launching myself off impossible heights — torpedo. So there’s sense.
I’ll try that, see how that goes, and I’ll talk about the utter nightmare it’s been for me, having just come to terms with all this. I gotta hear, okay? Mentally ill, look, look, a school shooter sure, is mentally ill, but there’s a difference between mentally ill and getting criminal, okay? My mother was mentally ill, for sure, Dr. J, but it’s like, I was in a sex scandal. And I’ve dealt with Peer Gynt resposnses. You see, PEER GYNT, like cool, sure, cool, bye… like I don’t want to talk about a fucking sex scandal just because I’m figuring out what to do with it on my channels, so I gotta stay attentive, because that shit made me fluffy about it, because I have to be. Yeah so, she said my father was a threat to me, and I’m piecing it together now. Absurd.
So I’ll see how preparing thought wise goes, if that will help me begin to tackle chunks of it. I’m going to go to the ten minute mics a minute, as I’m trying to do a lot right now, and I think a show is a good idea, I just don’t know what it is, and I gotta go and spend some time in a rehearsal room, thinking outloud. What SUCKED about being in a goddamn SEX SCANDAL? Everyone. Literally everyone. But not you. Relax. You’re fine. You’re just thinking about your own sets. So I can start developing… I’ll be working all week, but I’ll try and get into a rehearsal room over the weekend, before work, to talk outloud. That’s that. Gotta fly.