I had an enjoyable time today mapping out this story, thinking about genre. We’ll see, I’m not finishing it tomorrow, one of these awful problems I ran into that this guru, since he was there, didn’t think of saying. “Like stop…” I was in a race, I was acting as if I were in a race, and this guy just sat there on the phone. That’s what I mean, me? Meeting me? At 39, like ten years later, forget thirty, as this guru was significantly older than I was.
I woke up with movie soundtracks in my head because I was listening to them all night.
I’m saying, “read, think, take your time…” and of course, I feel like there’s nothing but missing pieces in my life, not knowing how I’m going to fill them, because I didn’t need to dedicate my life to being a writer. I mean, I hope I produce something good, but I’m not sure if I wanted to go through this much over some story that STRUCK this guru more so than it should have. But let’s hope something wonderful comes out of it. That’s all I can do. But I don’t know if this was going to CHANGE my life, like, I wonder, for the guru, when he made a blockbuster, did that CHANGE his life? I mean, I’m sure it did, but he didn’t come across like his every day life changed that much? I don’t know, he rarely spoke in the real, or from a place of real actual experience.
I did this and then, this happened. I’m sure it did, but all he did for 25 years is WRITE, right? So maybe they had nicer houses, but did his LIFE change that much? I was thinking about what it means to get married, have kids, and keep growing at your career, too. I was thinking about Amal Clooney last night, because she amassed a small fortune herself. I don’t think she was acting as if she was going to marry a wealthy man, so I just am nursing my wounds because I acted like an idiot, and these so-called older men who came into my life who wanted to help to me…they were so useless, I nod at myself, and I feel like a fool, they made me feel like a fool. I could have, again, had a real sum of money right now. Like, a million, you know? It doesn’t MATTER if I can MAKE IT BACK.
I don’t know WHY these men wanted to help me, specifically, either. Because I came from a background…? I think the thing is, I was 30 at the time? In regards to the guru, who got some weird hard on over my family story, it was a long long time ago, practically twenty years, which no one seemed to understand. It happened a long time ago by then. I was four, and yes, my family ended up being a disaster, but it was a long time ago, and I can’t help that I had a LOOK. I was a vulnerable person because I didn’t know what to do with how people reacted… I suppose I had my attachments too, but in France, I avoided the HELP shadow completely, it’s interesting, the HELP shadow was specifically American. All I had to do was just keep it to myself. I would get caught up, confused, when someone asked me a simple question about my family. Easy — she’s a lawyer, he was an aerospace engineer. “Which one?” I might say, “which mother?” YEAH NO, don’t do that.
I know who my parents are. I had to work out the basics, here. Don’t invite trouble. It wasn’t necessary to talk about. It brought me nothing but complications. And honestly, very little respect. And hopefully, that might translate to work I can pitch to EPIC, I don’t know. Meaning, just the drama of it. I didn’t want to be associated with that drama, if that makes sense, and truly speaking, I think I have psychological dramas coming out of my ears… picturing some funny Lynchian soundtrack and the guru floating down a residential street in Beverly Hills… you know what I mean? It’s funny. Him lifting his arm outside of Taschen — “you do not have to manage the shift in reality…” it looks somewhat ridiculous. Him turning in the middle of the street, an expensive show store behind him.
“Dr. J was smart.”
That might make Amal Clooney spit out her coffee. Hannah Arendt? She would be blown away. The guru phrased it that she was smart, right? Which I’ll put in here. The GENIUS routine, that worked on everyone. No one went “genius my ass…” which is what I would say, now. “That’s Hannah Arendt…” that’s a genius. Come on. “Your mother?”
Take a real look at her. “Mr Ghomi? He needed his books taken care of…” he needed someone to do his taxes for him. Such a Lynch, or it could be, this man tapping his temple…behind the wheel of his Mercedes. “Very smart.” Your mother. In a Louis IV wig. Dave Chappelle and I in the backseat, as he would have been cast as my friend Derrick Williams when he was 13. He was the only person in my life who was going to confront her for me. I told him not to. I asked him, “what do you think?” Like who cares? He just hugged me. A caring, simple, gesture. He didn’t get all heady about it, he didn’t feel bad for me. A very real person. It’s funny, if you consider how other people responded in my life. He thought that was a “no way” street.
But the thing is, at least I can say, I’m in the psychological realm, not so much family, though Christmas in Naples is a Sport is more so in the family domain, or it could be, but it depends how I want to end up doing it because the event itself merits being at the FOREFRONT of the DRAMA. There are a lot of really RICH nonfiction stories IN the food, even, full of hilarity and strife. So I think Naples is a sitcom, something. With me, this hilarious American cousin, a touch Zoolander, butchering Italian. But THEY the Neapolitans will understand me, somehow, because of my artistry, my hands and physical communication is even ART to them. “Neapolitan abstractionism” like I could put on shows at parties.
Let’s hope I can get there. That would make me happy. I wanted to go into entertainment. For the rest, we’ll see. I wake up sometimes, in a tiny room, just contending with reality, you see, as I went down a road I wish I didn’t, quite frankly. I just, also, and who cares? Bigger dreams. I’m going to spend some time reading THEIR pieces, the editors at EPIC, because THEY are successful magazine writers… in first person, too. Lots of their articles have been optioned for the screen. They’ve been nominated for awards. I’m going to read their articles, stories, and acquaint myself better with their work. It helps, it does, to have a direction, because then, you can find people who are doing what you want to do…
So, from here, the FUTURE point of having a lamborghini, though the IMAGE is not the POINT, it’s the FEELING, on Santa Monica Boulevard as a lamborghini ROARS past, on the edge of Beverly Hills, again. And picture the funny lynchian soundtrack. That didn’t work at all. What helped was figuring out direction — where I wanted to end up. I’ll be reading their pieces, as two people who had a really solid idea. THEY are successful writers. They’ve written books, screenplays. They are on the entertainment end of the spectrum. That’s where I’d like to be.
OKAY, clap, progress. The psychic period begone. For now. Who cares? Let me tell you about my years in this psychedelic community… another Lynch, maybe, with a funny soundtrack…but at the same time, it’s always about angle. There were some amazing stories in there… of a woman who was shot in the desert because she was dating a politician who was assasinated. She counted the seconds. Another man was on 13 meds, and ayahausca saved his life. There are genuinely interesting stories in there…. it would be a matter of finding them. I know one of them, a former Navy SEAL. Iboga. Even me… just how I became the face of capitalism at a psychedelic conference which triggered me to pull a “clown act.” The liberals, you see, once they heard who I worked for, they treated me unkindly. But I had paid money to go to their podcast taping. I showed up in a totally different outfit because I found myself on the side of the capitalists, not knowing that.
I told everybody I could BEFORE the taping started that I was a capitalist—apparently! And now what? I was so annoyed, “and now what?” The question I asked the audience outside an acrobatics studio in Brookyln was: can you FACE your conflicts? This is why things do not change, so here I am, a capitalist? Now what? Let’s see what they will do. I predicted they might pull something, and YOU? I informed about 1/3 of the audience…you gotta FACE the conflict. When they did PULL something, I went directly outside afterwards to a group of people who were in the know, and like, if I hadn’t said anything, they wouldn’t have gotten the reference… so it was I — who put myself out there, first, predicting their next moves accurately. “No shame…” right? “This is good,” I pulled the people closer. “Right?” Ribbon dancer walking by.
I can see turning that period into something positive.
I have to apply for jobs this morning, because I need to keep moving, and I have to keep figuring out this story, now that I’m coming at it differently. I need to build a life now, I need to figure out HOW I’m going to make money, because I have none, literally! I just think, on behalf of that guy, what a dumb move… I’m telling you, you see? I didn’t meet someone who honestly read something I wrote, let’s say, and thought, “you know you’re great, let me introduce you to someone…” if you catch my drift. THAT didn’t matter, to him, or that would take care of itself. INSTEAD, because I came from a background, and I was a sensitive person, I was unguarded, pretty, curls — I’m going to get some guy… who believes that I DO NOT believe it’s possible to be a successful writer… who’s going to get involved in my personal life thinking THAT’S going to help me… and the thing is, I had hardly started. I had just gotten to LA. And he jumped on me.
So no, I wouldn’t suggest being open about a past like that, because, it turns out, remarkably, that it puts you more at RISK than reward.It’s one thing if someone wants to help you genuinely because a, you’re really good at THAT, so they support your career choices. It’s another if they feel like you’re an emergency situation? Like, you need the number of a good shrink? Or, they are so TOUCHED, (truly), by your personhood… that they think you’re a wonderful person one that they’d like to get to know. But be weary of help, this is my warning, because nothing any of these wealthy men did helped me AT ALL. OR, they are a writer, screenwriter, and they are interested in talking to you about that story because maybe there’s something we could do? That’s not what I got…
So I hope I worked out what I needed to, but it took my life thus far to get to the other side of that story. It’s actually not going to bring you real help. Not like I needed it? At that point in my life? It’s just going to bring you more complications. I can’t explain the laws of attraction, but it’s worth keeping in mind, because I lost ten years of my life… which put me through heartache and pain to just get to notecards. I’m reaching OUT for assistance, or guidance, but it’s coming from me. I’m looking at who works, who’s doing well, and responding based on what I’m learning. Like, “oh that person writes about that…” or they are in THAT genre.
It just sucked to learn that the hard way. That, the story, mine, brought me all this shit I did not need. And I hope I’m right that I worked out what I needed to, so I’ll hopefully be able to make some strides… as if I didn’t realize what world I was in, if that makes sense, and it wasn’t designed to get me to the bright lights. It was meant to lock me in. I can’t believe that guru, I really can’t, that screenwriter, that he treated me like that. Gotta go.