Photo by Alejandro Contreras on Unsplash
I just finished an article for the science mag I write for early in the mornings over the weekend as I’m still figuring out what I’m doing with the rest of my life now that I’m on the other side of a deep revelation.
I stare at these notecards. I didn’t expect to come to the realizations that I did. I really don’t know if my mother lied about my father. I mean, can you imagine? I had to cut off from people in my life because they were hurting me… and they don’t get it.
An expert on the subject, not to say they are always right, is telling me that, “in your case, with a story like that, you could have been raped or molested when you were four,” and even before four. They evidently can’t tell me whether or not that’s true, only that, “that’s a crazy story.” For real.
I woke up feeling a little lost today, but I got past it. I could have been a millionaire by now. Sure, not in the multi-millions, but if I hadn’t touched my money, in 20 years? This guru didn’t see that, did he? I just didn’t understand this man. He’s fiscally conservative, he’s not spending money as if he can ideate it back into existence. That’s not how he’s acting. What he choses to DREAM about, and fantastize about, as I see, psychically, sure, lots of curly cues slithering out of this guy’s imagination, like symphonies this guy, he encouraged me to spend my IRA money? I know wealthy people who would never have treated my money as if it weren’t real. Nothing but disrespect. From day one.
I want to be the person who rises from the ashes so-to-speak, who reaches real success, who buys a house with real furniture in it, and goes on vacation and buys a fucking rug from time to time. This guru’s obsession with fame or success… and I didn’t even need to do anything! You know? All this fantasy around some girl he was attracted to? I felt so insulted.
I unfriended the guru’s brother on Facebook. I had a moment last night, just contending with the choices I made. I thought, what a couple of weirdos. I became psychic? Like I needed that. They need to chill around their genius/psychic routines. There was no reason why the screenwriter had to insert himself into my personal life. I did not do that to him. I know what a boundary is, I had to learn to exercise it for myself, as people just crossed lines — my cousins included — because they felt like they had a right to.
“We’re family?” Is that so?
I think, now, I seek to find what I’m good at, so I thinking about my adverse experiences here, the problems I ran into with my circle, and wonder if I’m supposed to reach in and offer what it is that I learned. Like, to be reductive, should I start making social graphics, like “you build your life over time.” Develop my ideas that way? As someone who came from “a wow family,” that even Jay Shetty would remark as “that’s crazy,” this is what I learned.
I don’t know what to do. I had to work out, actively, if this story was that special? As whoa, even the plant people, there were orchestras in there, the string section really really going to town. Thunder and lightning (this is where Barbara Harris appears in my mind laughing, which always makes me laugh, where she’ll suddenly pop up…) in the drums and Sacha Baron Cohen on the xylophone. Raindrops.
Do I do a show about it? Is that what I’d like to do? I didn’t care that much. Other people did. I felt that there was something in the story that would add value in the world. It’s more like, now, I’m clear…
I’m getting into acting again, as I wanted to go into that field originally because I could apply that passion in an empathetic craft, where I wouldn’t have to judge or deal with the PERSONAL, if you would, but place my experiences in a larger understanding of human behavior.
That would be a Clueless statement, one of these surprisingly smart things one of these students said. “This is a really good school,” Cher says to Tai.
There are all sorts of characters and stories out there. This is more, I would imagine, what Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting would say to me. I felt that way. But man, I really had to learn to tell people to fuck off, mind their own business, and turn on the the TV to get their fill. I think, in the end, it was the type of men I attracted that sent me into an abyss, like why would you take advantage of me? Why are people trying to HELP me? I don’t need help. I don’t need some idiot in genius clothing indirectly suggesting that I wasn’t fed as a baby? A bit too fantastical there. A bit too — cue the electric guitars in this orchestra as we’re doing a rock ballad, apparently.
“Nothing else MATTERS…” guitars.
Jesus Christ, like people got wrapped up in me — totally incorrectly. People didn’t get it. They did not get the story. Like, my second surrogate mother, who is just my cousin’s wife—progress—I didn’t actually want to get all fucking entangled with another fucking mother. She thought she was helping me, and this was all emotional, which she’s fundamentally complexed about, her stupid precious feelings, just like the other person I knew from this New Canaan Connecticut, like they regard their feelings as if they delicate pieces of glass menagerie. You know? Didn’t help me. Get over yourselves.
Ohhhh, your feelings. I met people who are so precious about their FEELINGS, it was — a clownshow. I try and avoid doing that, for real. I’m very conscientious of not — cuing the flutes, the wind instruments. I’m cuing the tuba instead. I can’t help that. I didn’t know that I didn’t know where I came from. You see, I can say, generally, I came to find that people trying to help — it doesn’t help. But I’m supposed to be grateful or responsive, when probably, the field of psychology would back me up. I would have been in a better position with a social worker or someone who understands that life is a constructive exercise. I can’t help where I came from, like, my Big Sister of America, she’s not playing mother with me. She’s watching how I change families? It was like a magic trick, she said.
And you’ll see, once I get to the book, which I’m thinking about behind the scenes, how this story keeps me hooked… and I’m going to meet people like the guru who are wanting me to stay hooked, they just don’t see themselves.
Like me? Now? My daughter? YES I want wedding photos, please, Dave Chappelle backing me up. I want dowrys. I want alliances. Not into marriage? Thinking about Dave Chappelle… against it? Here we go. Time to cue the violins again. Obama understanding me.
Maybe I’ll end up developping “Maria mother” I don’t know, dealing with my — deep breath — self. Chasing some girl in Joseph multicolored dream coats skipping around Paris — what the fuck are you doing? Who the fuck is this professor? Kick him the fuck out. Who gives a shit about that guy?
I disappeared, I really did, by the time I got to college. I have absolutely no idea who that was, and I do see degrees of my mother in there, I just don’t know how to unpack that. I’m here now. I had a heartbreaking experience, at first, sort of nodding… because what I’m doing now, I feel as though this was what I wanted, in fact, when I was seventeen. Like the move to make with me would be — GET OUT THERE. Forget school. Hold off.
Get a place, job, and begin getting acquainted with the field of life. You gotta be able to operate. I would have appreciate someone who called me once a week, you know what I mean? Basics. I’m here now, I did, you know, have two parents who were not well, they were not well. I don’t know what to say about my father, and I can’t go there, as I don’t know… and finally, I feel a general feeling that everyone has “shut up,” in my mind, as people LOVED to speak over me, tell me what “they thought,” when, why are you doing that to begin with? Do I do that to YOU about your goddamn life? No.
A life, no offense, that a psychologist even told me requires a degree. Know your place. That’s what I felt like I had to say across my life. Change the channel. This isn’t yours. And cue the guitars once again. “Nothing else MATTERS…” The guru the conductor. I’d place a precious sandwich beside him neatly packed in a ziplock bag. The edges cut off. I have to make fun of that guy, I’m sorry. That was bonkers. The man raising his arm at me, pointing, “you do not have to manage the shift in reality…”
Picturing Obama, still, in these situations with me… being spoken to like this, like what would he say? If he were having a family issue, and someone did that? He’s — making a quick getaway, I believe. Weird part of town. That’s the part of Beverly Hills I found myself in — amazing.
Anyway, letting that go, coming to find I am here. I’m here. I lost a lot, though, but I do feel lighter as a person. It’s hard to totally describe feeling as though my basic gears were not aligned — and it was basic. “My needs, my desires…” life is an active exercise, constructive. You’re building over time. SURE, sure, 500k can fall from the sky, and when it does, don’t be an idiot. It doesn’t matter — you’re after LONGEVITY. Think over time. It doesn’t matter where you come from. I found, yes, my family was a mess, but I know where I came from, so I stand on firmer ground. It doesn’t matter that the foundation was broken. Being ethereal, not my jam. I would not recommend it unless you consciously exploring an artistic point of view or making a statement. Peter Pan? About orphans. Fantasy. It comes from somewhere. I found a lot of fantasy around me, why? It’s not fun.
Pursuing an artistic path in the way that I did, though I chose not to, but when I did, writing, I just ended up running into the strangest men. I don’t get it about artists, either, like why are you acting so self-important? You’re not saving the world, exactly. “You’re mentoring me” as if I were Alexander the Great “the artist.”
Anyway, I keep looking at these notecards, hoping I can construct a good story out of it, but I didn’t want my life to revolve around a book about it. This guru’s focus was so narrow. There’s nothing I can do, I can’t change anything. Now, I just want to break through — with this Nancy Drew character of sorts, just because I’ve come this far, and in this climate, I think it might catch on. I don’t know, I have only begun, literally speaking, being able to HEAR myself, as I got FOOTBALL piled on.
The NFL coach in me is going to SCREAM in my face, what the FUCK are you doing out there??? GIRL??? PUT ON YOUR GEAR! You’re running out there without any protection! GUYS might come AT YOU you idiot! YES, strategy, it’s called DEFENSE. YOU ARE A GIRL. HELLO? This NFL coach, Jesus, so annoyed with me. Now, who the fuck is this? Right? Seeing this guy… turning to MEATY football player one, two…
Yup yup, “special relationship, sure sure,” look, he’s telling this guy to get the fuck off the field. “Find your team.” Different mentality. And one of the football players is even touched by my discourse. NEXT — go long, here, he’ll help me, looking at this guru. “LONG, like far far away…”
I’ll keep figuring it out, I’m just not happy with where I am in my life. Ten years ago, that wasn’t the case, but the road I went down really took the life out of me. Looking at this guru, is that the way you speak to a lady? No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend, wow.
I’ve decided to take a step back from the open mics and rehearsals a moment, because “is this what I want to do?” I usually get back to “I think so.” I do want to talk about this Hollywood screenwriter, I do, because wow, that guy was seriously out of touch with reality. Not to say you can’t make magic happen, it’s just, I came to find that life doesn’t work like that… I didn’t come from a world where magically everything… goes well for you? Like I’m happy for you, driving into Bel Air… considering his background. And sure, I could end up there, but… whoa! That’s not how it worked for me, and I still hope, though I feel like I had to take an unusual path, meaning I had to dismantle my life, put aside the family narrative… stand up for myself, even if that meant goodbye, I don’t know. I just hope there’s a silver lining for me. I feel the celebrities, I do, and thank you for your assistance on the psycho spiritual plane, for truly radiating — we’re rooting for you.
“We do not give a shit if you become a writer…”
So thank you.
In any case, I’m back to myself, found myself, shed this skin that didn’t really feel like me, I must be honest. That wasn’t really me, that was a lot of stuff. Wow, I was humbled by the journey, you see, I don’t feel cocky. I don’t feel like walking around like I’m better than you. I’m, truly speaking, humbled by the journey. I lost myself, way back there too! You know? Both my parents were mentally ill, at least.
And in the end, I hope that 500k will fall from the sky, of course, I’m meditating on that most certainly, when I ALREADY had it, if you catch my drift. I had resources. The guru wanting to put on Hawaiian inspired interpretative dances in hula skirts in Beverly Hills. Like, why are we doing this? I’m a wonderful warm woman, not some pupil. I put myself in situations that stripped me of my power. Did I have to reach Bill Gates or Bezos wealth? Did I need to be blown away? I can’t even make money, you see, I don’t know how to do that. I don’t want to “meditate and ask my higher self” it’s like, why? I can’t just think? You know? Why all this extra stuff? Like I’m not good enough? I mean, myself. I need to reach for a higher self? I don’t always get that. I can’t just seek an aerial view? Does that even clarify anything? Look…little houses… a stadium… it looks really small. I hope my perspective will make us laugh.
Wow, all that imagination was deeply confusing to me.
I do want to show you what’s possible, show you want I can do, and how you can lose everything and gain it all back, sure, spoken from the mouths of people who have no real experience with that means. “Of course you can.” Yes, except I don’t know anyone who’s actually done it. Be real. I know people have. I don’t like speaking outside the real. I’ll figure it out.
I have to to figure out how to make money. I feel like I have a better head on my shoulders. Life isn’t over at 40, it’s more that I don’t have anything to show for my life thus far. But we’ll see. Maybe that statement will change.
I could have bought a house, sure, maybe not the biggest house in the universe, but if you have the right mindset, you keep GROWING. Did I have to have the biggest house in the universe? I get you spend your time in mansions. I understand. But even he has a small house. That’s what I mean, he didn’t make sense. He’s living beneath his means, telling me it doesn’t matter what the rent is, when in HIS life, he’s not ACTING like that.
Holy moly, that guy.
I’m just going to work on this story, and I’m going to keep feeling into what I’d like to do… across all fronts. I’d like to realize my greatest potential. I don’t think I was in CONFLICT with it, that story, my family story, presented me with the strangest obstacles…this guru so clearly emblematic of “shit” I did not need ON TOP of it all. Thinking his god’s gift, telling me my birth was divine, because I was born to parents who were not there.
The help shadow was terrible and long… and not that benign. And it didn’t strike the right cord. Like maybe I should have gone into entertainment, or something, because people were too affected by my look and personality, I can’t totally explain that (and I say that to “the celebrities,” on the psycho spiritual plane, as we’ve had many discussions about all this psychically, yes, as I am the most gifted psychic on earth, currently. This is what people believe. And the celebrities don’t really have a problem with it? We’re just moving onto the discussion. I don’t understand WHY people responded to me so emotionally. I GET I had a personality, I guess I had a QUALITY.)
Like, my old psychologist, child psychologist, even reached out to me like — almost 30 years later to say hello. I was always “charming.” So I hope I can get some of that back. Or something. I usually move through these moods, it’s going to take a second, I know, to do anything, really. I think I’ll concentrate on making my own work. I have to research that comedian who’s really big now, the man, he popped up on a magazine cover in a pink lady jacket. He’s hitting the right note, right now. So I’ll watch him.
It’s just weird, because this guru was ALL ABOUT this story, and why? SO I was in a sex scandal, who hasn’t been in one by this point? Big whoop. So my father might have raped me, whatever. I laugh, I’m sorry, at this sheer possibility, like seriously? Or molested me? I don’t know what to say, except I feel supported by the celebrities on the psycho spiritual plane that, that story is mighty crazy. The type that would make YOU feel better, which is really what I’m aiming to do, to make Brad Pitt feel better. Much much better. I’m a healer. Right? In any case, in time, I hope I’ll reach a point of clarity, I’m just not there yet.
I’m going to keep working out this short — so I think this works, the storyboard I have. I ended up wondering if my previous approach was better — as my inteview with Fat Alan and my psychological experiment into lying don’t factor into this story, but I think, that’s too long, as there’s the lying segment, the investigation into child abuse, and then, the actual story. I’m going to keep sitting with notecards. I’m going to move this text to my book blog.