Word. I felt that on my feed today. I just like, hope this time that’s not what I’m doing, that’s not what I want to do. I didn’t need manifestation advice, exactly. So now I’m just trying to recover, and I hope that everything works out, because I have no idea. You know? Like, I hope this article does well, I hope — OR KNOW — to up my chances with mindset techniques — that I’ll sell a book. I hope that Miracle Mile becomes a sensation — because now, I have nothing, I was striped of ANY practical, logical, concrete direction. And I didn’t even ASK for help. But these men treated me like I needed help. I just didn’t understand WHY. Now I’m a bitch, it’s handled, as if — fuck off. That’s what Angela said I needed to learn how to say: VAI FANCULO. I got that I went through pretty years.
Anyway, I was listening to Enya nonstop today as I’m using her in Miracle Mile as we had to put on these forced displays of playing for my father, who she believed was a child molester, and he acted pretty bizarrely, guilty, standing at a wide open door. I don’t know what to do with that as he also had an illness that kept to himself. He would be diagnosed six years later though. But because it was already a theatrical conceit — “the house is yours,” Angelica Leibowitz instructed her youngest daughter and I to GO NUTS through the house—I have the license to invent. And so, I thought, make the spectacles bigger, better, more choreographed. In this case, from what I learned, though the whole story was scored to love songs, I should go for Enya to make a larger point beyond love, love love. And, yes, have her say, “love love love,” over this gorgeous cascading angelic number — “ah ah ah, if you really want to,” Jose Leibowitz is the mastermind of these soirees, the true star, engineer. “You can seize the day… ” Only If, that’s where I landed today. “if you really want to…you can find a way…” so that made me laugh. Just because people’s responses are so — odd, strange, and the journey I had, personally, to get here was — terrible, the past decade, especially, but it was — filled with psychics, gurus, and geniuses — if you really want to — claiming I was psychic, this was my problem. “Very very likely, Alice Munro was molested if only because it is so common…” ah ah ah, Enya: if you really want to…we can seize the day… we turn our hands as if wheels, stepping forward from the side, and we let it all go, sexy, moving back as if in a music video, as these Brazilian-Jewish children were born to DANCE. “Hey ho hey hai ehhhh….”
And Angelica Leibowitz is the most talented and sexiest of them all — and we’ll do a final battle dance — grand finale — with her getting so down and dirty, as the lambada was a dance born from oppression, it was so profound — in the living room, all of us dancing, having celebrated Jewish holidays too. So — was my story unbelievable? “ONLY IF YOU WANT TO!” We’re stomping. Hitting our thighs. Doing some tribal inspired dance, Jose Leibowitz leading the way. Impossible! And we’re cascading off to different locations against the wall of the foyer. We’re reading the walls like brail as if there were some secret language written that we could not access with our eyes. And stacking papers, Jose resumes normal life. In some senses, you’d hope that some message might impact the subject, because if it’s really that common, if child molestation is really that common, then you gotta address that in some capacity, I don’t know. I don’t know if I needed this to be my life, type deal, because writing a story about that AND getting into a psychedelic group left me totally bamboozled. The guru’s obsession with me being able to MAKE IT over that story, or me being able to MAKE it as A WRITER — only if you want to — before I even tried, meaning I didn’t have a problem with the idea— interestingly enough, or I suppose he represented the problem, so I’m trying to have to fun, despite my age. I went to meet total strangers so I purposefully made myself look as unattractive as possible. You never know. My friend was even scared. But yup, impossible, my story. If you really WANT TO… when danger lurks around every corner. So I went totally dressed down, even overboard. I’m basically a man…
In any case, that’s what I got this evening, wanting so badly to find my love of life… my sense of purpose, I mean, I wish I was surrounded by childrem, that I was in a house, which I could have had — regardless of the aspirations to BECOME A SUCCESSFUL WRITER to this guru. Terrible, all the wrong doors — just a succession of them this past decade. There might not be “right or wrong” except I really feel like I went through the wrong doors. Like, I met this high powered lawyer, who basically made a pass after having lunch with me, but I bet you anything, he’d feel so strange that no one in the psychedelic group informed him… of where I came from? Just because that was not your typical story, and I’m sure he would have never have approached me like he did, if he knew, but it goes to show — you don’t KNOW. But remember, “only if you want to,” everyone is getting molested… throwing pizza dough in the air… the Downtown Abbey washing the thick white linens — children running free… that’s my two cents this evening. “You should go on social media and diffuse your story…” the guru said… sure, about a sex scandal.
I hope it’s not the case with me, but typically, people don’t respond that well to that story, you know, but we’ll see. I’m giving it my best go, because I came this far, I don’t know if I needed to spin myself up with visions of the future, though, though I do have a clearer sense of where I’d like to go — but I’m karate hands around… men that I wouldn’t even have to deal with now, which hurts my feelings. I’m older now. I don’t give a shit about my looks. Was I supposed to? I’ll keep sprucing myself up, but I had to start over from nothing. Sure, money fall from the sky… you know? Man, that hurt, the loss when it was unnecessary. But that’s alright, I’ve surrendered to the course… and I don’t want to move abroad, I don’t want to not try and see if I can perform, something. I’m just so exhausted. That was a lot of MALE energy for no reason, I don’t know. Anyway, good night — remember you have only one life. It’s a gift. Be careful and mindful WHO you spend it with.