And here we go again. I got off work, and I decided that I was going to stay a minute and write in that atmosphere, have a drink, when a man started talking to me, a lawyer. I thought, you know, I should probably socialize, actually, so I welcomed the invitation. He was with a woman my age, also a lawyer, and I didn’t even know that they were together until we were well into conversation. They offered to buy me another drink, we swapped travel stories, and he, the man, started feeding us both, which I thought, “okay, that’s strange, but you know…” when you go out, sometimes, you’re all friends. Except that isn’t really a friend move. I had to go home, as I didn’t really want to get roped into a night out, I worked for like hours. But still, I was trying to let go, meet people, but they were interested in making out? Wait what? They walked me out, as I wanted to leave, and I was a little drunk, so I didn’t really understand what was going on — but I saw my bosses outside, so I was walking away, where we wouldn’t be seen. So she kissed me… and then he kissed me…and I hightailed it for the Uber they called me. In the car, how did that happen?
I don’t know what to say. I’m going to pretend that didn’t happen. They texted me, but I’m just going to ignore them. If they text me, I’ll say, “look, nice to meet you, but I don’t need flirtations at my job…” I was just looking to be friendly, not to make out, but they seemed cool, actually, so I don’t have a problem, I just would prefer if it didn’t go any further. I don’t want to alert anyone at work. I’m sure it happens, but I just started, and I’m not interested in that kind of affair. I don’t even care anymore, about whether or not there was any respect in it, they’re just looking to have fun, I’m just not “their girl.” That’s not happening.
So there you go.
I tried to just sit there after work, and I get involved with an open couple looking to make out with girls… I do not know why I was that person. I wasn’t thinking, so maybe I didn’t read this situation correctly, but I need to go out, more, that I know, I’m just working nights right now, so I have no idea what to do, where to go, but I’ll see Matra again soon, and we’ll start up our going out again. I need to socialize. Who cares about meditating? In remembering the guru… suggesting throwing an invisible ball against “the fabric of reality,” which is fine, but there’s a way to get a more direct feedback loop, and it’s GOING OUT and GETTING what you want.
Why I didn’t do this in the past? Well, I suppose I had a lot to work out. That’s fair. I didn’t realize how much my past hindered my ability to do what I’m starting to do now, like, who cares? A couple wanted to make out, that’s just a funny story… that happened when you went out. This guy, too, he cracked up, “oh no, are you a lawyer?” Only because they’re always working too, and I don’t know, sometimes, I wish I never became a writer — it only brought me weird MEN. Weird older men. You’d never think, it’s practically a comedy, that BEING A WRITER would be so cryptic and serious. I am not a celebrity, it’s hard to explain. I could MAKE ITTTTT.
And, I hope I do, I just don’t know why I needed manifestation advice? Before I even started. It’s just this guru, he made me so angry, because he was such a DICK, a guy, thinking he would barge in and wave his dick around for my benefit. I just didn’t see it, which was TERRIFYING. Like, GROSS. He thought this was RESPECT? But does he respect woman? Does he have problems with women? That’s what I saw, even BEAUTIFUL WOMEN? In my life, honestly, I wish people didn’t say, “you’re beautiful,” I wish they said, “no you don’t understand, you’re going to want to be beautiful, to someone, hunny, and if you don’t think so, or if you have a problem in this regard, you might attract people who HAVE PROBLEMS with beauty.”
It was one of these, “I don’t know” problems. It was a choice, which is why I took on Barbara Harris’ profile. It’s always a choice. And, in all honesty, I didn’t want to project that story out into the world. I didn’t want to acknowledge the existence of the world, meaning, there are gender issues there, as that guy, guru, didn’t like beautiful women, he had problems. Major. I didn’t want to SEE that people could… act selfishly, I’m saying “I can’t believe he did that,” when men rape women. Do they even KNOW that they did anything wrong? Weinstein? No. My mother even — she doesn’t think she did anything wrong. My father, too.
Now, if the slytherin, even, as I got involved with a drug addict, even if he did live at the Carlyle— at this point, the SECOND someone comes up to me, I’m on guard. This is the new way of being. I was caught off guard last night, which happens when you go out, no worries, as I feel like I just got here, lol. But I think, generally, people are more on guard. I just need to go out and socialize more, so I don’t get — I had, I had a bit of a problem, or unconscious problem, where, if someone showed me attention, it could surprise me. I need to work on being at the top of the food chain.
But I still feel hurt, right? So I’ll keep moving. I’m basically doing, with myself, what I wish a psychologist did for me. “It’s time to GO into the world,” not the literal world of travel, but “go out, get hit on, and lt’s deal with it…” you know? So you’re a server right now, because you can’t quite navigate. So? It’s hard, because I can’t believe I’m here, and I try not to go on social media at all, other than posting, but soon, I’ll probably rehire a community person, as I had when I went to Naples, to comment, and friend people, and engage online. I just can’t do it. Just to help me build. It worked. It works.
I just wish I had gone to therapy, right? I mean, forget therapy. I wish I went to a psychologist, someone who agrees with me, that this is a structural exercise. Forget knocking down someone’s world, which is what the guru did as a destroyer. That man was a destroyer. WHY are you living like this? WHY are you hanging out with these people? WHO the fuck is this guy? THINK Maria. Ask him, WHY are you here? "What did he say?” Who the fuck are these men looking to help you? Jesus, this is so the opposite of help. Put on a short skirt and GO to a CLUB. Try that.
That would be ME, the psychologist. In some senses, why be a writer? You know? Because you want fame? I mean, these men, they reflected that, like, I could be famous, but as a writer? What a strange couple of people to meet. Like the slytherin said, “I supported your talent,” what talent? He read like one thing, and no offense, but I wouldn’t say, in reading what I wrote for Reality Sandwich, it’s like, looking back at this guy, too, it was ALL bullshit. All. Nothing but belittling… bullshit.
Now, I wouldn’t even be there. Be real. I’d see the slytherin from far away. Sure, I might go and hang out with him, suggest we get a tea downstairs, at the Carlyle, but I’m not getting close. “Do not call me every day…” it’s a bit too fast. Like jumping into bed with someone. He LIKED me, I just don’t know what that means in his case. Same with the guru. It wasn’t that flattering. Those were not people, men, to get involved with. Even the Korean Revolutionary, I call him, my ex, like, that wasn’t a guy to get involved with… so the whole set up… was off. It sucked for me.
So i’m giving in, I’m trying to reorganize my life so I can put myself first, but I’m going to have to rebuild step by step — meaning, I take a shower, I get ready, I get nice sweats, because that’s what I like to wear in the mornings, I do my make up… I need to prioritize my basics, but I got up this morning, with a headache, and with all these thoughts I’m processing, so I’m in bed, writing this note.
What exactly was wrong with me? Yes, I could be a movie star, essentially, I got that, as a writer. Hilarious. This couple said that they met a writer for Dexter at this bar the other week, and I said, “yeah I’m not that cool.” But, Macao is in Tribeca, so it might be a good place to go, actually, but I work there right now. Maybe that doesn’t matter, I don’t know, but I need to refresh my appearance.
I just thought, oh, they’re a very social couple, or social couple of people, who were really friendly, but I needed some recreation, socializing, and then, that went in a direction I didn’t expect. But whatever, I don’t care that much. I wanted to have better adventures, as I sort of feel like I’m seventeen again, and I’m starting over, so — that happened. A funny thing happened after work. I would say, that I’m a stud or something, but I didn’t get the vibe that they were that selective. It just made me laugh, “girls don’t count,” he said, and I’m not even gay or queer or that fluid, but I had to laugh at that. I think they do. I just put myself in the shoes of someone who was gay, and hearing this man say that they “don’t count.” Kissing girls doesn’t count as real. It’s a fun extra he can partake in. I thought they were joking, to be honest, at first, walking out with them like, hm, are you serious?
So I’m in bed this morning hurting a little, hoping I won’t throw up – from the alcohol. I got a boozy drink, a good one, but it’s not the type of cocktail you can drink many of.
I really don’t want to be a server, but what am I supposed to do, at this point? I like Macao though, I like that restaurant, they’ve given me the best shifts, so I can’t complain. As I keep telling myself, I can move fast, I can’t help where I am in the immediate. I don’t know what jobs I can even get. I might want to get on Fiver, Upwork, but I sort of hate writing, so I’m trying to assess where to go next. It’s hard to explain, because sure, money can fall from the sky, you can bump into anybody. Anything can happen. But generally speaking, there’s an annoying debut, where you don’t know what the fuck is going on. That’s what entering the world is like. Again, I don’t know if I needed ethereal talk. There’s only one way you’re going to build a life, right, and that’s by doing it. But here are some benchmarks: buying a house.
Like um, sure, it’s not FAME, as these men were somewhat obsessed with, over a WRITER, like I want to meet this Dexter screenwriter and tell him what happened to me. Can you imagine? But there are basics, regardless of what you do. And I couldn’t believe what idiots I got involved with. I could have bought a house, if I hadn’t touched that money at all. Instead I gave it to the plant people? For nothing. To get farted on by the slytherin in the end. And I came from a sex scandal. You see, the more I write, the clearer — sure I visualize it in the world —that becomes. No one is going to tell me, “no, you weren’t in a sex scandal…” so I’m confident on that one. And they totally missed it. They enabled me… I’m sorry but that was ridiculous.
I really really really did not need to go down that road, the GURU, the Hollywood guru I got involved with, like, looking back, I’m so floored at myself. Why this guy was looking at my Facebook comments, or telling me “my suitors” visited him during meditations… it was bizarre and unnecessary. He made so many assumptions about me that were really wrong. He wanted to play guru— what? — what a strange desire! He thinks because he meditates and that his father was a psychologist who couldn’t keep it in his pants — obviously — that he was God’s gift to ME?
I really wish he had a heart, he doesn’t have one, it’s obvious. He’s a cold man. He’s not exactly warm. That was a weird guy. Weird rich guy, he had some success in Hollywood. But why, some girl, I mean, why would you treat someone like that, like, what his involvement in my life only disturbed me. He acted as if he thought I was Julianne Moore, but I wasn’t an actress, and he’s deciding that without reading anything, and I didn’t ASK him to, you see, HE did that, I did not ASK him to. “I read your article,” okay, I thought, I didn’t ask him too, like I’m not asking for this. His family has a bit of a HELP desire…
They should keep it in check. Buying some girl clothes every now and then is one thing as that’s what his sister does. Invites my friend, an artist, over to her house in Bel Air for a week, and she takes her out, around, and that’s nice. I did not need the “expertise.” But of course, I’m going to get the UNSAFE guy. There was nothing SAFE about the moves he made. You don’t get involved with someone psychologically, I’m sorry. That hurt me almost beyond repair. And strangely, he has no real guts, not when it comes to relationships, but he didn’t want a relationship because he’s meditating, and it’s like, DUDE, I can’t even believe you thought THIS was what I needed
EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE you can make it but everyone can — LIKE WHY WAS THIS MY PROBLEM? He just started projecting problems, yes, as someone who writes DRAMA, yes, he was obsessed with problems. I wasn’t a TV show, and if that’s what he saw, he could have made a fucking phone call. But of course, why? Why would he do that for lowly me? I couldn’t even with this guy, he was a fucking boring classic when it came to women. Like I get why “the one woman” you ever loved — moved on. Whoever she was. WHAT woman wants to be in that kind of relationship? Who wants to talk about CREATING YOUR OWN REALITY to a robotic degree? I’m telling you, he and his brother said that at least 14,000 times. Like, I get it, change the channel. “In the 15th century,” he brother said, in all seriousness, I would have been the one to SPEAK to animals. Meaning, me. When, in the 15th century hunny, you would have been Quasimodo. I don’t mean to be a bitch, but that’s what I should have been with such insults. Fuck you.
Fuck David, Adam, that whole family. Fuck you. You sick fucks.
If a trauma person were to say, “who did that remind you of?” Meaning, was it connected to my past? He seemed to be a kind of monster of “the people” I spoke to about this story. Meaning, the story itself wasn’t problematic, it was everyone else. IT was, as I ended up in these relationships, and my cousins in Italy, even, in Naples. Even they exhibited what how hard it was. There was nothing pleasant about it. I did not need to open up for the world, here. My parents were fucked up, his brother said, that we know… again, why am I here? Who the fuck are you? Telling me I’m psychic after 20 minutes. Look, these PSYCHIC men were retarded. ReTARD. I’d rather hang out with UNIQUE. I don’t have to deal with this shit. FOR MY BENEFIT.
Everything feels impossible sometimes, it just does. I’m just trying to be more open minded, generally, as, when I look at couples, I’m more or less surprised. Really? I’m trying to be more open-minded. I think the slytherin, I don’t know how that person would appear in the world… like on a TV show, how would I cast him? A slytherin, that’s the first thing Dave Chappelle is seeing, I assure you. “Is that man a slytherin?” He’s only seeing slytherins, I assure you, in this psychedelic group. “Slytherins?” He would have told me, right away. “Maria, you’re hanging out with slytherins.”
“I would exercise caution.”
"Slytherin will help you on your way to greatness"
That’s their motto.
I’m not a slytherin. That’s for sure. The guru might have been a slytherin. Nothing but slytherins. I ended up in this house to my detriment. No thanks. I know good slytherins too, two females. They are actresses, opera singers, as sometime I look at Cate Blanchett, and I go, she’s a good slytherin. She’s unbelievably beautiful and great, the Great Kate. I’m always so happy to see her get awards and be moved by George Clooney honoring her. Monica Bellucci — not a slytherin. My friend Kate, the opera singer, she’s a slytherin. She knows it. She’s even reptilian. She’s a good witch. A woman who can change the energy of a theater, the whole thing, and I could feel the room change, like “uh oh,” before she performed, and it turned out, she was going through so so much at the time… as we met up afterwards. She’s a cool friend to have. You know what I mean? I wonder if I should reach out to her, actually, see if she knows anyone in NYC that might need an assistant or something?
I need to get out there in the world, I gotta recognize my life. I deserved so much better than that! YUCK. I guess people are bored. Sure, the guru was never bored, sure, that’s not what that looked like. That looked like a BOY who needed to stop playing video games. A boy who’s mean to the girl he likes. A man who was genius and wise for reasons I can’t…. I don’t know why. I felt like I was 100% stupid. Just stupid. But my parents were of a idiocy supreme. A supreme idiocy. Unique would laugh at that, AKA Lenny Kravitz, that’s who would play him, a delightful cheeky man. So I can get smart now.
I have to keep working on my writing, regardless, because I’ve come this far. I’m giving myself a minute to find my groove at this restaurant. Honestly, as far as restaurant work goes, I feel lucky, as in, everyone is nice. I start at 3:30, I end around 10, mostly, sometimes sooner. I want to go out at night, but I can plan, I can figure out where to go. I’ll keep doing these open mics, I’ll keep trying to break into acting again, I’m meeting up with this band later on today, (this is what I mean, this is real life to me), to sing with them. I’m trying to find people I can sing with.
And, I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. So you got hit on by two people, in shitty clothes, lol, so you had a couple of DRINKS, Maria, shrugging at myself, and my emotional difficulty with what this all means, and so, yes, you’ll go meet up with a band later, you’re voice will be fine, and then maybe see that lawyer guy you met shortly, get home, because I have to work tomorrow at 5:30 AM. This is where I’m at right now. But go live. In some senses, I have to relinquish control, a bit. Let go. There’s nothing I can do this second.
I rejected hierarchy completely. I wasn’t interested in making it. I wasn’t interested in status. And now, here I am. You met THOSE GUYS. People who are power players. That was a dumb ass move. These were not people to get involved with. I’m speaking to myself right now, because I had to become a mother to myself, and that’s the thing, in my case that was imperative. So, I haven’t had a convo yet with my mother now, the Sun, the Mexican mother, as it’s easier referring to where they’re from, as everyone gets so confused, and why, I don’t know, but the EVERYTHING south of Mexico being Mexico — and these white people don’t know it — it’s just too much to get into, and only people of color are going to hear me on the levels… of… they think they know everything, white people, really. It’s amazing. And they don’t even know they’re Christian. I’ve laughed with Muslims, I really have.
“These people don’t know their Christian.”
Hilarious.
Sure sure, they’re not — wink — Christian, but they are, because religion is deep. It’s going to take time. That’s the joke, the Christians that don’t know their Christian. I’ve laughed, even, my cousins was a nun of the catacombs of Priscilla, “the Christians don’t know their Christian…” we laughed, we did.
Anyway, I haven’t done it officially yet, and would it be necessary, I don’t know, as that woman is so checked out as a human being that she might not even notice. I left that family, you see. She’s my ex-mother, just like the rest of them. She’s Señora. I’m MY mother. Not her. That was definitely not what I needed. And I most certaintly became a mother to myself — so that’s clarifying. So, “yes, you’re in the world…” now… finally… but I acted like an idiot. Look? Cate Blanchett is tuning in, tuning into all the convos I had with myself, or “my daughter” who did what I did. I’m recording this… I acted like an idiot. What are you going to do? There are idiots out there, or people who choose to live their lives in the way that they do… I wouldn’t attach, you see, because you’re in a similar place, momentarily, if that makes sense.
But I acted like an idio, in my opinion, my loving opinion because I think I’m worth more than that, all these men, truly, so-called men, okay? And as a mother, I can’t even deal with that woman, and yes, I’m sharp. I would not EMULATE her, as a mother, and neither would my sister, be real. So I became a mother to myself, and if you want me to get even bitchier, I can. I developed a maladaptive pattern, who gives a shit about trauma? In a sense. Maladaptive patterning. At least, with that term, you can recognize it. You can see it. So I’m out — and I did not find that to be clarifying, I found it to be harrowing. It’s hilarious to me, because my mother and sister now — GOSSIPING behind the scenes — what do YOU think a mental health expert is going to say about THAT family? YOU. Be real. Insane. How did I end up in a fucking other family?
I did it, that’s not the issue, I introduced her as my mother, right? We developed a relationship. It’s just — let UNIQUE say it: ya’ll need to relax, stop helping people. UNIQUE can even tell you that — it usually doesn’t work out. My sister in this family is happy, so that worked for her. For me, the brother was in love with me, giving AIDS to people for ten years, ridiculous, plus, I have hardly ever lived in LA, think. I had a totally different experience than she did…and again, WHY this was necessary, that’s my question for myself. SO PHEW, because that took my whole fucking life thus far. To get to this point, and I had to lose money… even!
I do not LIKE where I am. As an adult woman, Jesus, I have the right to say that. It will only get better, I have to keep my chin up, I have to work harder than I want to, and look, none of these people actually cared. You gotta put your hand up, because most people are guarded. Very. They know that. They know people have “routines.” They know people can act like they care. So, who knows where I might have been raped? I mean, how terrible… but with this motley crew, I agree with the sexual trauma specialist — anywhere. If anything, I’m holding myself close right now, because it broke my heart to understand how off-track I was. Like if you’re hanging with that GURU, you’re in trouble. Who wants to sit at a restaurant and repeat “paradiso” 14,000 times? He was surfing that feeling — good for you, I have cooler people to hang out with. I would never be here.
I’m going to get my cup of coffee, i’m going to work on EPIC a little bit, as I think I made some headway, and I can’t tell you how exhausting I find writing. I hope something happens there. As that hasn’t even gotten me anywhere. I feel mediocre, most days, I didn’t in the past, but that decade left me in RUINS — it’s just that, I don’t know, probably successful people feel that way, actually, so I don’t think it matters, I think it’s more that you keep reaching beyond that. I’m not a fan of correcting, as the mindset obsession is exhausting to me. It feels like bad computing. Sure, have a positive outlook, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with feeling how you feel in the moment, and being positive didn’t help me. It was a bit diluted.
So, I got into terrible relationships. Bad ideas. Now, sure, get a tea, every now and then, if you want to, I mean, the guru was so — ridiculous, so I don’t know why you would even want to hang out with that person, to be frank with you, as there wasn’t much there, except reality creation — as a blunt exercise — your life is your life. That’s first. So I’m going to keep opening up to what I can do now…
I go back and forth constantly, because I didn’t want to HARP on my life, meaning, was I supposed to be famous over a sex scandal? You goddamn idiots. But I’m here, and I don’t know what else to do. I suppose I saw that there was value in it, potentially, and that, it might make a thrilling, impactful story. So I see it as a film, Heavenly Creatures, that process took me like, I don’t know, a couple of months, versus a decade. And that GURU — I hope someone slaps him across the face. That’s the medicine I think he needs. By a woman. Now, I see that, like I see it doing well, you know? I tend to clear up and end there… like the dances to the child molester, rapist, dark, horrible, hysterical, biting — in a good way.
I think Obama, I think Obama might agree. You know? Since he helped me through this mess of slytherins spiritually. Just, if the guru could IMAGINE as he said the JOB of the president is to IMAGINE what the country could look like, IMAGINE what OBAMA would say…to all this? What would OBAMA say? A Black man. The Unsung Heroes of my Life currently. That’s the truth, and it’s such a good idea, that it’s flourishing all around me. Nothing but support, humor, acknowledgement, and kindness, basic kindness. Be real, it’s a good message. He would have laughed at the slytherins, because they were. These were slytherins. Complicated house.
I’m LESS into astrology, MORE into Harry Potter houses. That’s how I’m seeing the world now — if I see slytherins, and this couple last night might have been slytherins, and I’m seeking to find good slytherins… It’s just that, as a comedian, it’s fine. I can talk about it, my flaws, weaknesses, if you would. Imagine? The scene? You— you get off work, you’re in black leggings, you open up your computer, and a couple begins to fish you… and they want to make out with you… like that’s the direction… you get pulled in… you know what I mean? I’m laughing. Just a totally hilarious… encounter. And would someone wiser, sure, would they have been as confused as I was? Or would they have… picked up on that? I’m not sure.
I thought, oh, someone wants to talk, get to know me…lol.
But again, it’s going out.